Friday, December 2, 2011

Eagles Week F Report Card F


eDITOR'S NOTE: this is going to be totally half-butted and useless, and I'm not even goign to bother adding more pictures, proofreading or formatting any of it corre



Quarterback
ZWR: Dude when quarterbacks and offensive lineman get to the line of scrimmage and start pointing at the different linebackers and yelling things like “MIKE” and “JOLLYRANCHER” or whatever I kind of thought it was showing off, like how the kids in Latin class would say the Pater Noster instead of the Our Father, but then last night I literally said to myself as the fifteenth interception unfolded "Wow, Shady's covered well" and stupidface just turns without looking and beer pongs the ball blindly into the flat and it registered that that's maybe why they call all that stuff out before the play. You know, so morons are reminded where the opponent is expected to be. And then, after the game, Vince Young was all, “I think we played alright. Just have to get rid of the turnovers and stuff.” WHY YES, MR. AND MRS. LINCOLN, BESIDES THAT I’M SURE YOU HAD A LOVELY EVENING OUT AT THE THEATRE LAST NIGHT.


Reassuring: Mike Kafka is seemingly worse than Vince Young? Looking good, birds!  F


DG: Because of my fancy new gig getting paid to write about TV, I skipped the game and watched “Community,” “Parks & Rec,” about 40 minutes of “Bones,” “It’s Always Sunny,” and “The League.” I was very pleased with my decision. A.



Donovan McNabb’s Interview, Hairline
ZWR: Low Throw McRogaine looked like a tired, defeated (and inflated) shell of his former above-averageness. B+ out of sadness


DG: I think his hair is scared of his beard, so it’s running away from it.

Running Back

ZWR: Shady should quit for the year. Save his legs for when the other idiots feel like trying. A


DG: I don’t like the nickname Shady. Sounds nefarious and untrustworthy. I vote we change it to Velociraptor.



Wide Receiver
ZWR:  (blankly stares ahead, ignoring everyone) F

Steve L. Smith: I think the receivers are doing a great job and really busting it. A- (cause you always gotta leave yourself room for improvement, LOL)



DG: Having somewhat talented wide receivers on the field with Vince Young at QB is like ordering a HD cable package and hooking it up to one of those old 3-inch portable TVs.

Offensive Line

ZWR: I think I’m ordering pizza tonight. The Nag’s flying home from a business trip and the baby was really good and has like eight teeth so why not? GO TEAM!  A


DG: BABBYS FISRT STROMBOLLI



Defensive Line
ZWR: If Jason Babin were Bobby Abreu and sacks were doubles in 9-4 losses … I don’t even know where I’m going with that I actually liked Bobby Abreu but yeah they have a billionty sacks but are part of the worst defense ever so who cares. C  Brandon Graham A


DG: [wide 9 joke] LOL, RIGHT?



Linebacker
I asked the Metro guy if I could drive the train this morning. He said no. That’s what Andy Reid should have told everyone who isn’t Brian Rolle this season. Z


DG: I like to watch Miami Vice in the mornings. It kills me because Sonny always get to go undercover as a bigtime businessman and/or drug lord, but the lady cops always have to be prostitutes or risque lounge singers. GET YO POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RIGHT, OLD TV SHOWS.



CB
Hey look Nnamdi’s hurt. I’m fascinated by Joselio Hanson. He’s the new Al Harris, only he doesn’t have crazy hair, can’t tackle, isn’t good in coverage, and doesn’t take two hilariously violent penalties a game.  F


DG: Was Joselio Hanson the guy who accidentally showed everyone his ding dong on TV? If so, I like that guy. Accidental peen makes up for the double standards I was just talking about in Miami Vice. Equality achieved.



Safety
HEY SPEAKING OF INEFFECTIVE VIOLENCE, Kurt Coleman (who is unquestionably terrible) sure seems to be making a lot of tackles 8-20 yards down-field while holding onto a guy’s shoulder pads for dear life. Hey wait didn’t we draft safeties in the second round each of the last two years? Are we incapable of picking good ones or developing them? Can I try it?  F


DG: Let’s just sign a safety named Bazooka Sanders. Couldn’t hurt.

Coaching

ZWR: Andy Reid’s press conferences are suddenly reminiscent of that scene in The Shining where Shelly Duvall approaches Jack Nicholson’s typewriter, only to find that he’s typed the same thing over and over and over and over again for weeks on end, to the tune of hundreds if not thousands of horrifying pages of repetitive text. Maybe someone will bring an axe to next week’s presser. My money is Les Bowen.


Grade: Redrum


DG: He looks more and more like Monterey Jack from “Rescue Rangers” every day. “SCREE-EEE-EEEENS.”




This was a sad and pathetic exercise. Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for next week when just post pictures of a variety of animals pooping.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...