Friday, December 9, 2011

Phillies Players (and Alums) as Classic Holiday Films, by ZWR and Crane Kicker

Ross Gload is Jingle All the Way
Terrible, stiff, and pretty much painful to watch every time. No matter how many times you throw it up there, this isn’t going to come through in a pinch.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. is Scrooged
RAJ, aka The Ghost of Smuggies Past, is seemingly cold-hearted and ruthless, but there is a spirited, kind soul buried deep down in there. Probably. Maybe.

This photoshop freaks me out

Chase Utley is It’s a Wonderful Life
At points surprisingly gruff, and never a big award winner, but wholly redemptive and uplifting. Like the Jimmy Stewart classic, Chase continues to reassure us of his greatness, even as his body continues to fall apart like a newel post.

And I'm not even gonna photoshop this because they kind of already resemble the Utleys in this picture. Just replace that kid with a homeless dog:

Burt Meyer is Bad Santa
I mean, I don’t have to explain this one to you, Seabiscuit, do I?

Hunter Pence is Elf
A slam dunk. A tall, goofy, lovable character with skills that belie his physical appearance comes from a remote land where nothing much is expected of him to a snarling city, only to fall in love with all that it has to offer and win everyone over with his enduring cheerfulness. In fact, it’s almost frightening how much Buddy the Elf reminds me of Hunter Pence. Wow. (Also “hi” Awesome Emma!)

Shane Victorino is A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas
Wait what this movie hasn't even been relased yet, hahaha. I know right! Oh, um, anyways, this film has short attention span, non-stop dialogue, and high potential for mind-altering interactions. What we were talking about oh yes Santa!!! I loveeeee Santa. SANTA SANTA SANTA SANTA SANTA DID YOU KNOW IN HAWAII WE CALL HIM ST. NICK LOL THAT’S SO WEIRD RIGHT B/C I DON’T EVEN THINK HE’S CATHOLIC AND HE HAS FLYING RAINBEER DANCER AND PRANCER AND FROSTY AND JINGLE AND TINSEL I’M THE FLYIN HAWAIIWAN MAYBE I CAN DRIVE HIS SLEIGH OR MAKE COOKIES FOR HIM I LIKE CANDYCANES DON’T THROW AT MY HEAD BRO NOT THE EGG NOGGIN.

Bobby Abreu is I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
It’s because his fiance cheated on him on TV lol

Ugueth Urbina is Silent Night, Deadly Night
He tried to kill people with a crude melee weapon.

Michael Schwimmer is The Hebrew Hammer
I’ve never seen this but it’s about a Jewish hero saving Hannukah from Santa’s evil son by punching people out.

Joe Blanton is The Man Who Came To Dinner

Jonathan Papelbon is Prancer
I’ve never seen this movie either but it’s about a prancing reindeer that is mistakenly sold to the highest bidder. Probably some Scrooge. So there you go.

Jayson Werth is Trading Places
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but there’s absurdly good money to be made in orange juice futures.

Brad Lidge is One Magic Christmas
We’ll always have 2008.

Roy Oswalt is Ernest Saves Christmas
Well, ummm, because he’s kinda sorta a hick? (This would be perfect if they won anything. Maybe next Christmas.)

Cliff Lee is Miracle on 34th Street
People thought he was crazy when his lack of materialism ticked off a whole bunch of people in New York. Whatever, he’s a classic.

Jimmy Rollins is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Shameless, hilarious, and you’re cracking up every other line while also shaking your head in confusion. You’ve seen it every year for what seems like forever, but you still want it to play again next year (you just can’t commit to the next five years). Plus there’s that whole thing about the Christmas bonus that may or may not show up.

Cole Hamels is A Christmas Story
A sentimental favorite, he was great before the flashier movies/specials came around and even he himself became a marketable enough commodity to warrant marathon showings and retail chotchky. Pushed around by fans and the media but he always has the last laugh, and when he curses, you know it comes out like “fuuuuuudge.” Plus he probably has a pink bunny suit. And definitely cries.

Placido Polanco is Shrek the Halls
He’s got a thick accent and a huge head. I mean yeah we’ve used Polanco as Shrek before, but if the size 11 ¾ hat fits...


Placido Polanco is Jack Frost
His return seemed like a good idea, but he can’t last the whole season. And his head is disproportionately large for his body. (Editor’s note: dude both of those ftw)

Jamie Moyer is Die Hard
Ok Jamie, we get it. Yippie Kiy Yay

Domonic Brown is Four Christmases
The raw talent’s there in plain sight for the whole world to see, but it just isn’t happening. Bad on both Blu Ray and DVD. Maybe it’ll click one day soon.

Ryan Howard is How the Grinch Stole Chrismas
There are times he flashes super-human strength, and others he’s frustratingly meek. Though instead of his heart growing three sizes at the end his Achilles asploded.

Charlie Manuel is Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
I know--I used this last year in “Phillies as Beloved Christmas Special Characters”. But it works for the movie, too. Cholly absolutely sets the tone for the whole season with his unapologetic … “unique” … style that seems as if it shouldn’t really peak to anyone--yet resonates. You can’t help but love and look up to him, flaws and all.

Wilson Valdez is Love Actually
You ever see this? It’s like eleventy movies rolled into one, and such dynamism calls to mind a certain goat-toting jack-of-all-trades who can also win games as a pitcher.

A Christmas Carol
A classic with such depths of character- introspection, selflessness, the weights of our all-too-human burdens, charm - that it’s invariably set apart from contemporaries. Others tales are flashier, funnier, sadder, or better-received... but A Christmas Carol has an undeniable gravitas and legitimacy. In short, it’s Michael Martinez.

Roy Halladay is Home Alone
Timeless, consistently awesome, at times perfect. Roy--like Kevin--devises plans that are sure to break faces and more often than not has to save the day all by himself.

Kyle Kendrick is Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Desperately tries to emulate the original’s formula, but the results fall woefully and hilariously short.


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