Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Phillies sign Dontrelle Willis


A Cranekicker Hot Stove Special




Okay everyone listen up - I have an announcement to make. We just signed Dontrelle Willis. I feel like he will add a nice piece to our pitching staff and will completely out-perform the contract that I just had him agree to without really talking to him. Stick around for a bit, we're going to send him a little warm Philly welcome over the webcam.


So you want us to boo him?


Oh please. Don't start already with that. Get to rehab before I decide to sign Prince Fielder and ship you off to Pittsburgh.




WAIT NO DON'T I'M SORRY. Going now.


Anyone else have jokes? And what the hell is taking so long here let's get this chat going I have a suit fitting at Boyd's in an hour.


Sorry, Mr. Amaro. Not sure what is happening but the Skype signal seems to have gotten crossed up with someone other than Mr. Willis's stream. I'm trying to untangle the signals but it appears we're stuck at the moment.


How is our feed getting crossed up with the wrong person? This is a professional baseball organization and we can't even link up with the right person? Who the heck are we linked up with???


Not sure sir... hang on... the feed is starting to come in clearer...


WHAAAASSSSSSSAAAAAPPPPPPPPP


Oh what the hell is this crap?


LOL what's up guys?! Ruben.........


James......


Heard you signed my boy Dontrelle? Must be nice, people having jobs and all.


Your time will come.


It sure will. Where... now that's the million dollar question. LOL get it?


HAHAHAHAHAHA MILLIONDOLLARQUESTION THATIS SO AWESOME LIKE WWF TEDDIBIASE HEY WAIT JIMMY WHATDOYOUMEANBYTHAT PLEASE DONT LEAVE HAHAHAHA HIJIMMY!


Hey Shane. I'd love to stay in Philly and all... but baby it's cold outside. Daddy needs a new fur coat.


PAYHIM RUBEN HEISGOINGTO FREEZE TODEATH GIVEHIMTHELOOTGIVEHIMTHELOOT!


Imma bad man....


CUT THAT FEED RIGHT NOW. THIS IS ABSURD I AM RUBEN FLIPPIN AMARO YOU DON'T CRASH MY SKYPE PARTY I CRASH YOURS.


Ok sir I reset the server and I think I have fixed the problem. Should have on Mr. Willis any moment. I apologize for the mix up.


Apology accepted. You're fired. Bye.


But...


Get out. I can turn on a damn computer myself. Someone go get Charlie so he can say hello to Dontrelle.


On it.


Hey Ruben what's goin on so like Dubee just said you got us like another pitcher again and I gotta say hi where is he.


Yeah I did. We are going to chat with him in a minute on Skype.


What the hell is a skype?


Just watch the computer screen over there and when Dontrelle Willis appears start talking.


You want me to talk to the computer? What is this like virtual realty or somethin?


Yes. Exactly.


Hello?


Dontrelle. Good afternoon, it's Ruben. We are really excited to have you on board. I've gathered some of the guys to welcome you.


Awesome! I am really excited to be joining such a great organization. I really appreciate the opportunity.


HI DONTRELLE WELCOME TO PHILLY WELLNOTTOPHILLYBUT SORT OF IMEAN WELCOMETO BEING ONA COMPUTER IN PHILLY ONTHEPHILLIES HAHA


Thanks bro! Who else is over there?


Say hello Kyle.


HMMMMPF.


KYLE....


Hi Dontrelle Willis.


Hi. Who is this?


FIFTH STARTER KYLE KENDRICK DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.


Fifth starter?


YOU ARE NOT I AM.


What dude?


Gentleman...relax. It's December. Everyone is the fifth starter at this point. Except for Roy. And Cliff. Oh and Cole too. But everyone else = fifth starter.


Ha. Kendrick over there is the fifth starter every month.


Oh shut up all of you. I'm out of here. Have a meeting for local spouses of Survivor alumni.


HEY WAIT KYLE I'M COMING TOO! Hi Dontrelle. See ya later Dontrelle. Dontrelle. I like to say that.


Anyone else over there?


LAAAAA LALALALALALALALA LA LAAAAAAAA! HELLLLLOOOOO DONTRELLLLE WILLISSS ANNNND WELCOMMMMMME TO THE TEAMMMMMMM!


What in the hell?


I'M SOOOOOO EXCITED FOR YOU TO BE JOINING THIS TEAAAAAMMMM THAT I JUST CANNOT HIDDDDDDE IT! LAAAAA LALALALALALALALA LA LAAAAAAA!


WILL YOU STOP SINGING ALL THE TIME PLEASE!?


BUT I LOOOOOOVE LALALALALALALALA LA LOOOOOVE PHILADELPHIAAAA. I AM OFF TO DANCE IN FRONT OF THE LIBERTY BELLLLLL WITH A CHEESESTEAK IN EACH HANNNNNND! LAAAAAA LALALALALALALALA LA LIBERRRRRTYYYY!


You guys are all insane. This will either be a lot of fun or I am going to retire in May due to mental exhaustion.


Or a dead arm.


What?


Now look here Donatello I just like wanna say hello and you know like welcome to the team and like we hope you can be an interpol part of this locker room.


Interpol??? Do you mean integral?


I MEAN INTERPOL I KNOW WHAT I MEAN IT MEANS LIKE IMPORTANT.


Interpol stands for International Criminal Police Organization.


Whatchu talkin about Willis?


Wow. Hilarious. Congrats on being the one millionth person to say that to me.


Well maybe if you like didn't make up word definitions about other words all the time then people wouldn't be always askin you that.


OHMYGOD CHARLIE THATISASAYING FROM GARY COLEMAN FROM DIFFRENTSTROKES HAHAHAHAHAHA WHATAREYOUTALKING ABOUT CHARLIE EVERYONEKNOWSTHAT


I'm talkin about like team chemistry. Not about that guy who used to steal bases for St. Louis all the time. But you know like it's not good to hear that you said he had a stroke like I'm sorry.


Wow.... Vince Coleman... he did not have a stroke.
Forget it.
Interpol.
I'm in.
See you boys soon.

6 comments:

  1. Dontrelle, you're so well spoken

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm really hoping you saw this:
    http://deadspin.com/5867604/phillies-sign-dontrelle-willis-reports-some-guy-who-says-he-accidentally-got-forwarded-an-email-from-ruben-amaro

    CAN YOU BELIEVE RUBEN HAS AN IPHONE!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This..... This was EPIC!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. "DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW."

    I just died. Amazing

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm going to start an interpol section at CBP. We need Tee shirts! We can be just like Citizens 7.

    ReplyDelete

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