Monday, October 31, 2011

Eagles Week 8 Report Card, Featuring Mike Vick and a Parrot



 Hey kids, you know the deal. But before we get to the report card, and because we’re five years old, here’s a video of Tony Romo summarizing his team’s performance on Sunday Night Football Week in America:



Quarterback
ZWR: Michael Vick did everything right. He adjusted calls at the line of scrimmage, threw the ball accurately, fixed busted plays, and didn’t needlessly concuss himself. I contend that if the Eagles had synthetic turf (our field looks like crap btw) Vick would have put up at least 1400 yards last night. A+


CK: Mike Vick was throwing darts all night. Laser beams even. Darts with laser beams attached to them. Darts with laser beams attached to them that were laser beam guided by a giant dart made of all lasers. AND HE BOUGHT A FRIGGIN PARROT LAST WEEK. IN A PET STORE. This transformation continues to amaze. A+

DG: Michael Vick was great. Elsewhere, Kevin Kolb went 10-21 for 150 yards and Donovan McNabb sat on the bench behind a rookie whose name is actually and for seriously “Christian Ponder.” A+++++++++

<<< CLICK TO SEE A PICTURE OF MIKE VICK AND A PARROT AFTER THE JUMP >>>>

BREAKING: Andy Reid is Wearing a Jason Mask


Live on the Eagles website:



ZWR #1 MOST TRUSTED FOR BREAKING NEWS

URGENT: Pumpkin Roy Halladay Needs Your Votes


Reader Sam sent this in over the weekend, and I thank her (I say "her" because it was signed "love" and while I'm as socially progressive as they come still prefer to take that as being from a girl because girls are nicer) for it. Let's show how awesome Phillies fans are and win Sam an iPad or something by destroying a bunch of Patriots and Angry Birds (srsly, Angry Birds?) carvings.Voting closes at noon today, so go vote for #64 **NOW**!!!

Here's the link, donkeys.


Good job. Eagles Week 8 Report Card coming later today.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

ANNOUNCEMENT: DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN, WIN STUFF


Winner: Delicious and/or Adorable Division

ATTENTION ZWR READERS


Hey donkeys, Danger Guerrero here. Do you like Halloween? Do you like dressing up for Halloween? Do you like dressing up as something SUPER CREATIVE AND/OR AWESOME AND/OR SEXY (sup, ladies) FOR HALLOWEEN? Do you also have THINGS TO SAY, possibly in ALL CAPS? Well, I have good news for you!

This year, I Want to Go to the Zoo With Roy Halladay (the world's foremost bolg about doing... something) is holding its First Annual Halloween Costume Contest! We'll post some of the best submissions, with first prize being the opportunity to do a guest post on this very bolg on any topic you want. WHAT? I KNOW! Even if you're a stupid M_ts fan!

To enter, simply send a picture of yourself (or your kids or your pets or whatever) in costume to either me (dangerguerrero [at] gmail) or ZWR (zoowithroy [at] gmail). Your submission will then be compiled with the others and a winner will be selected by a very impressive and prestigious committee of international fashion experts (me, ZWR, and Cranekicker, natch... maybe Vince the Brewer).

Now, I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Well, I have a great costume that would definitely win, but I don't want a picture of me in a doofy or scandalous outfit posted on such a popular website for everyone to see." Fear not, hypothetical person! At your request, I, Danger Guerrero, will happily draw an MS Paint face over your actual face to protect your anonymity. For example:

Lookin' good, you two.

So when you go to your fancy Halloween parties this weekend, in addition to drinking a ton of pumpkin beer (adults only) and eating a bunch of candy, snap a picture of your costume and send it on in. You too could have a chance to litter this bolg with dated pop culture references and cockamamie theories about your favorite sports teams or breakfast items. The American Dream, indeed. Who knows, maybe we can even get Meech to throw in a free Fightins shirt. Also The American Dream. For some Americans. Probably.

Look, what's important here is this: Get an awesome costume and start writing down good ideas for guest posts. It's goin' down. Sing it, Michael.






NOTE: Members of the ZWR staff and their immediate families are ineligible for this contest. Which sucks, because I was gonna be a Chompasaurus. Once I figure out what that is.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Eagles Week Seven Report Card


I was going to post this yesterday, but wanted to hold off and see if the Jacksonville Jaguars would wear teal-ish jerseys with hypercolor helmets while starting a quarterback with Creed hair.


Continued success.

On to it, then. You know who's up in this piece: CK, DG, and me.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

ZWR In the Wild (and the Pumpkin)


Jason carved a dual Flyers/ZWR pumpkin, to which I say "omg yes please":


Facebroke, yo

Sorry for the Delay
Okay here's the deal: I got this email the night of Game Four, so I couldn't post it right away. Then there were all of the pump-up videos and whatnot (worked like a charm!), then Game Five, then me being a miserable crybaby for a few days where I didn't post anything. But I loved it, and appreciate Becky and Carolyn's awesomeness, so here it finally is:

Dear Head Donkey:

As two best friends who met and bonded over a shared love of the Phils while in a foreign country, it is our collective dream to

1.) celebrate a(nother) World Series championship together and
2.) appear on our most favoritest phils bolg EVER: ZWR.

As faithful readers, twitter followers, shirt buyers, annoying nuisances (one of us made you draw her an MS paint portrait of chooch and a lion once, #ZOMGit'sBECKY!), and Philly natives, we feel we qualify for the honor that is ZWR in the Wild. We even roadtripped it from Delaware and Northern Virginia up to the North Wales Iron Hill Brewery (one of our hometowns!) to sample your fine Doctoberfest Brew (see picture) only to be told it was sold out :( We subsequently got smashed (Editor's Note: Way to be) on a variety of other beers, but nothing quenched our thirst quite as well as that rare craft beverage would have... except maybe a face-breaking win from Roy himself tomorrow.

Bottom line... can our picture count for being In The Wild? If you say no, i'm pretty sure there's a chompasaurusrex that will be knocking down your door for vengeance. #aloha. #chane.

resPectfully yours,

Carolyn and Becky

ohai

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ryan Howard Limited Edition Offseason Action Figure


Just announced today, by Kenner or whatever:

This Week in Penguin News (TWIPN) - October 20, 2011


The official TWIPN signal

Parks and Recreation References ZWR in 'Best Penguin Blog (sic)' Scene

So like 100 people sent me a tweet about this, but thanks to @Rev215, a bootlegged DVR video of the scene will forever be memorialized on ZWR. I see you, Parks and Rec producers: 




Penguins Need Sweaters
Apparently some donkey company or whatever spilled oil off the coast of New Zealand and now tons of penguins are in danger unless they wear a sweater. So, ladies, you know what to do 


Read more about it on Gawker





BONUS RED PANDA UPDATE:

For those of you asking what Sir Perfect has been up to, well...

Monday, October 17, 2011

Eagles Week Six Report Card


Yeah yeah yeah you know who writes these...

Quarterback
ZWR: Remember that time Chase Utley was being way too intense against the Reds last year and launched himself face-first at second base and broke his thumb and everyone was all, “Dude what are you doing we don’t need you to get hurt?!?!”? That’s basically how I feel every time Michael Vick does a “falling skier” into a gaggle of linebackers and safeties rather than slide feet first. Discretion is the better part of valor, my man. Also, your backup (yesterday) is (was) a butt tard emptyhead, so you can’t get hurt. Which brings us to Vince Young. Nice throw, bro. Good idea. Second smartest thing you’ve done all year. Vick: B+, Young: K

DG: I am not a wealthy man. I grew up middle class, and was taught the value of money and not to waste it on things that were unimportant. That said, I swear I would give Michael Vick $100 cash if he promised to never dive headfirst into a linebacker’s knee ever again. Also, we should all set aside $15-20 and get Rex Grossman a gift certificate to Spencer’s Gifts. He earned it. Vick: B. Grossman: A++++++++++++


CK: At first they were like “OMG he’s woozy again” and I was all “uh oh here we go all over” and they were all “and here comes Vince Young” and I was all “hey sweetie watch this guy he is terrible” and they were all “INTERCEPTION” and she was all “wow he stinks” and I was all “I KNOW” and then they were all “It was only dirt in his face he’s fine!” and I was all “Praise the lord” and then Andy was all “632 off tackle run block schematic 26 times plz” and I was all “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON” and then Mike Vick was all “Hey cheerleaders let’s play kickball” and then Sam Rosen’s nose was like “Eagles win!” A

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Eagles Call in a Consultant


 
Interior, La Quinta Inn conference center
  

Andy Reid, Jeffrey Lurie and Howie Roseman sit around a cheap wooden conference table. Andy attempts to eat a Dunkin Donuts Big N Toasty breakfast sandwich, but it falls apart as he takes the first bite.



ANDY: I’ve got to do a better job of putting the bacon and egg in a position to succeed. I’m going to work on that. We’re gonna get this thing turned around.

He turns the sandwich around. When he takes a bite, the contents fall out the other end again.


ROSEMAN (on his cell, conceivably talking to a scout, loudly): …so anyway, there’s this kid at Hofstra, total fastball. Plays at about 210 but I’m certain he can be a backer. SAM. What? No, a SAM. His name’s not Sam, it’s I think it’s actually Will. But I’m not sure, I’ve never seen him play- he tore his ACL and is redshirting. What? No—his name is Will but he’ll play SAM. Or maybe MIKE, it depends. Huh?! No! Will is his name, not Mike-- he’s a—nevermind!! All I want you to know is that he could drop to us! Yeah, yeah. I know! We need to be ready to strike, possibly even trade up.


LURIE (under his breath): I hate both of you.

ROSEMAN (hanging up cell): What was that, boss?

LURIE: Nothing. Let’s get to it, guys. The reason we’re here is I want to just get away from NovaCare and talk about, well, this is tough… our defense.


ANDY: Jeff, we’ve got that under control. We’re gonna get that thing fixed and play it one game at--

LURIE: --Andy. Andy. Stop. It’s okay--we all make mistakes. Look, we’re here because I think the defense needs some help. In fact, I’m sorry I had to do this. But, for the first time in my tenure I’m pulling rank and calling in a consultant.


ROSEMAN: What, like McKinsey? My college buddy Jake works at McKinsey– you want me to call him? He’s great with numbers and stuff. Best flip cup anchor ever, too!

LURIE: What...? No, I’m calling in a consultant--for the defense.

Andy Reid inhales a large chunk of egg and bacon and chokes for a moment. A swift punch to the chest from Roseman dislodges the blockage, and Reid’s life is once-again saved.

LURIE: Jesus. Are you okay?

ANDY: Yeah--*clears throat* *coughs* *clears throat* *coughs* I just gotta *clears throat*do a better job of chewing, that’s my responsibility.

LURIE: The consultant should be here any minute. Now look, it took a lot of work to get the press off our tail on this, so it goes without saying that I need your utmost discretion on this...

/conference room door swings open

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Friday, October 7, 2011

Volume Up, Face to Screen the Anthology - IT'S GAME FIVE





2010:


NLDS Game 5 Pump-up Video Montage of Video Montages




hat/tip @ryandwalsh for the idea
This guy don't just wanna win, you know, he wants to bury ya, he wants to humiliate ya, he wants to prove to the whole world that you was nothin but some kind of a freak the first time out. He said you were a one time lucky bum!

Maybe the only thing I can do is just take everything he's got. But to beat me, he's going to have to kill me. And to kill me, he's gonna have to have the heart to stand in front of me. And to do that, he's got to be willing to die himself. I don't know if he's ready to do that. I don't know.

We're gonna punch his lungs out!

You're gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you've ever dreamed. But when it's over, I know you'll be the one standing. You know what you have to do. Do it.

You're the Man. You're number one. The Champ, the best of all time. Girls love you - Men, old people love you. Young people love you. You're the best. You're the Man, and he's yours. He's yours, he's yours. This bum shouldn't be in the same ring with you. I want you to show him who you are tonight. Show him who you are tonight. Stick him!

We always have to be in the middle of the action 'cause we're the warriors. And without some challenge, without some damn war to fight then the warriors might as well be dead, Stallion. Now I'm asking you - as a friend - stand by my side this one last time.  

All your strength, all your power, all your love. Everything you've got. Right now!

Take her to the zoo… I hear retards like the zoo!

WHAT ARE WE WAITIN FOR?

"Win."
Everyone, it's Game 5. In Philadelphia. With Roy on the mound. Versus his good friend. This called for a montage. And not only a montage, but a video montage of video montages. And not only a montage of montages, but a montage of a montage of quotes to introduce the video montage of video montages. Hearts on fire, getting stronger, gonna fly now. Let's do this. Roy's got this. 

Enjoy:

Oh We Got the 215 Up in Here


As a rule I am generally opposed to wearing caps to work if for it you have to dress up. Since my office is formal (penguin in a tux, duhhh), I never wear one. This morning--of course--was an exception.

So I'm sitting there on the commuter train that takes me into the city listening to music and sending some gibberish email to my buddy when the conductor stops after checking my ticket and sternly motions for me to take off my headphones. (Note: All of the following is made a billionty times more awesome by the fact that he looks almost exactly like the Gimbels store manager from Elf)


I take the headphones off; he gestures towards my hat.

"How are they going to do tonight?"

"Oh dude they're gonna win."

A humongous smile breaks across his face.

"Hahahaha... Doc Halladay!"

I nod, and crack a proud smile. We break into a conversation about where in Philly we're from and when another donkey overhears it he awkwardly blurts out, "I'm from the Northeast... Go Phils!" But we're okay with that.

As the conductor moves on back to work he turns his head over his shoulder and boasts, "Oh we got the 215 up in here!"

My anxiety dipped some after that interlude, largely because it reminded me of how much more these games allow us than we may realize on the surface (face it, we're spoiled of late): the chance for one Philadelphia "expat" to connect with another on his way to work, the small parties or bar gatherings with friends, imagining how we'll explain these series to our kids when they're old enough to understand, silly superstitions, phone calls that may not have otherwise happened... whatever. From the sappy to the stupid, it's all still ours.

Even letting your guard down and wearing a cap with your dork clothes. It's small, but it means something and is part of something bigger much more significant. Enjoy it-- all of it. 

-Z

P.S.
AP Photo of Roy doing what Roy do, at 3:41 a.m.

Here's Shane Victorino Slipping on Horse Poo


Thanks to Erin for the gif, which arrived via @DangerGuerrero Express:

Shane Victorino Horse Poo
"There was horse poo everywhere." -- Shane Victorino

Check out more Shane Victorino GIFs over at The Fightins


AND IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, CLICK HERE FOR TODAY'S NLDS GAME 5 PUMP-UP VIDEO MONTAGE OF VIDEO MONTAGES: 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Roy Halladay Has a Reassuring Conversation with the Fan Base


"Oh my god Doc OMG this is so nerve wracking we might lose we could lose are we going to lose?!?!?!"


"No I mean I'm just saying they've got Pujols and Doctor Freeze he's on fire and the Red Birds are battle-tested it's an elimination game you never know anything can happen!!!"


"What if it's too cold to grip the ball or their BAPIB is high again and we get blooped to death and Ryan Howard's contract makes him miss the game I hear it's way too much and Chris Carpenter's pitching and some guys might be nervous what then?!"


"Was winning so many games and having such an awesome team a bad thing did we clinch too early why'd we beat the Braves oh man and can you believe Utley got caught at third I can't and these umpires are intimidated and Dick Stockley and Bob Brennaman are biased that probably didn't help and here we are at a do-or-die loser goes home no tomorrow situation my agida!"


"Oh. So you got this?"





Oh thank god.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

SWEEP THE LEG (It's time for NLDS Game 4)


CSI St. Louis Part Four


JUST UNDER THE WIRE!!! FROM MIKE!!!

CSI: St. Louis, Part 3


From reader Eric...

Did someone say arch?

CSI: St. Louis, Part 2


Reader "Tags" submits the following:


Well done, Tags. Well done. Love it

Bullhorn Kid and Billy Ocean Discuss Today's Pitching Matchup


Hey baby! Who's pitching today for the Cardinals tonight?!

DUDE DON'T YOU PAY ANY $#&%ING ATTENTION
IT'S EDWIN $#*ING JACKSON!

WOOO! Is he any good, baby?!

FFS. You remember this you nitwit?



Joe Blanton has a license to chill, baby! WOOOO! Pulled that one out!

Whatever Billy Idol we're gonna smack the sh*% out of that donkey. If fat @$^ Joe Blanton's hitting bombs off you son what's going to happen when high socks Hunter and Chase Mother F$#*ing Utley and Ryan Howard and the Rauuuuuuuuuul and Chooooooooooch and even that space cadet Vicdorito (h/t Crane Kicker) step to the plate? I want blood! Jackson's going to be crying like that little $&@(#*! Braves kid I had to smack around last week!

I'm sorry Miss Jackson, WOOOOOO, Bullhorn's for real. WOOO!

Roy Oswalt in CSI: St. Louis


Reader Ben sent this to me like 2 minutes ago and it was so awesome I had to post it immediately.

If you don't get it, or for some reason haven't ever used the internet until just now today for the first time, go here.

*Meet the new boss, same as the old boss*

AND IF YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR OWN, BEN WAS NICE ENOUGH TO INCLUDE THE BLANK TEMPLATE. 5 hours till first pitch, go nuts

Click below to download the full-size version:

A Comprehensive Preview of NLDS Game 4 (Oswalt vs. Jackson)


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

WE WON (Eleventy Pictures and Random Excited Talk)


We won we won we won hahahahahaha suck it LaRussa we won that double play was pretty fargling sweet wasn't it did you see Ryan Howard's fist pump damn straight you did how about that Benny Francisco huh I'm sure you were excited when you saw Brad Lidge Lidgey Pooh in there and remembered when Pujols broke his spirit and it was oh so close only it didn't happen but it's not that you lost it's that we won we won we won because the Phillies win that's what they do and it's what we'll keep doing baby CHOOCH.

AP

AP

Also, here are some sweet pictures from Game One by staff photographer pompomflipflop they're all artsy and full of aperture and she's amazing and I was going to post yesterday but the whole photojob thing happened then the interview with the Pulitzer Prize winner I mean you know but anyway she also just watched us win game three of the NLDS because we motherducking rule click and go to her Flickr set and just be amazed at how talented she is.

halladay winds up


fans on their feet


let's go phillies


Yeah I'm totally amped up right now.

Editor's Note:

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