Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Awesome Emma Receives Recognition for Her Awesomeness


Hey kids, hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and nomming-turkey-sandwiches-while-watching-football weekend. While Thanksgiving's coming to an end could conceivably be sad, it really isn't all that bad because it leads us right into Christmastime!

HEY SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS, remember the First Annual ZWR Halloween Costume Contest? I bet you do, because that's when Awesome Emma broke everyone's faces off with her Buddy the Elf (see, I did tie it all back together) get-up.

It turned out, though, that one small bit of her guest post stuck with the ZWR staff. Here, check it:
P.S.S. I never won anything in my entire life and have always wanted a trophy. Is there any way you can give me a trophy, please?
Dude we're donkeys, but we're not donkeys. Ace designer and logistics manager Crane Kicker went straight to work, and recently our favorite little girl received THIS:

(OMG YES PLEASE I LOVE HER)

YAY!  And Congrats again to Emma, who rules and is awesome.

Stay tuned to the bolg for more Christmas stuff that's in the works. Who knows!

Friday, November 25, 2011

COMANCHE


I have no idea what this is but it's on the television in front of me right now. I'm in Texas for the holiday.



Terrified. Send help. And by help I mean stromboli, and beer. No wait nevermind there's plenty of beer here.

Happy Black Friday

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

GOBBLE: The ZWR Thanksgiving Order of Importance Nom Continuum (A Definitive Guide)



What was intended to serve as a helpful, definitive guide to Thanksgiving dining- collaboratively developed by my crack staff and esteemed colleagues- devolved (not surprisingly) into complete and unbridled absurdity. Frankly, I'm shocked. Or the opposite. Anyway, it's the offseason and I'm posting this from the airport and it rules, so enjoy:

ZWR: Pumpkin Pie > Stuffing > Dark Meat > Biscuits > Cranberry Sauce (Whole Berry) > Green Bean Casserole > Yams (w/ marshmallows) > White Meat > Apple Pie > Mashed Potatoes > Cranberry Sauce (Jelly) > Yams (w/o marshmallows) > Food Coma > Brussel Sprouts > Lions Game

Petz Razor: This whole list is bull(poop) because yams and sweet potatoes aren’t the same thing. Yams suck (things) and Sweet Pots rule. I’m doing this under protest.

Stuffing > Pumpkin Pie > White Meat > Cranberry Sauce (Whole Berry) > SWEET POTATOES > SWEET POTATOES (w. marshmallows) > Dark Meat > Mashed Potatoes > Biscuits > Green Bean Casserole > Food Coma > Lions Game > Brussel Sprouts > Cranberry Sauce (Jelly) > Apple Pie > Yams ((darn) YAMS.)



Sweet potatoes are SERIOUS BUSINESS.


Alex Reardon: I just wanted to type in pink font. But the thing is I just have a list of things I like and don’t like. HOW can you choose between Sweet Potatoes and Cranberry Sauce?? This is the hardest thing I’ve done all semester. I’ve never had Green Bean Casserole too.. And who are the Lions?? Like do you cuddle up with a stuffed one during the Food Coma? Or is it some sort of sports team?? Oh nevermind... they play football.

CK: WHY AM I PINK SON OF BITCHES FIX PLZ LOLOL HI ALEX

ZWR: Because you’re a sissy lol stereotypes

CK: So are you Pinkston you turkey

ZWR: Girl you Tryptophaning

CK: BRB busy with panini

Vince: CK, you’re Mr. Pink. Just like him, you don’t tip.

CK: That’s a boldfaced lie. Everyone knows I’m an excellent tipper.

Reardon: You boys are weird.

DG: HI ZWR AND CRANKY AND PEZRAW AND VINCE THE BREWERS AND REARDONK!

ZWR: This is devolving beautifully

Vince: Petz, why are you so angry at a vegetable?

Reardon: Sweet Potatoes are a million times better.

Vince: It’s a US law that anything labeled Yams also has to have sweet potatoes on it. > David Bell.

Reardon: You’re full of it.

Vince: Im serious, that’s true.

CK: You’re all idiots. No one has gravy on their list. Do you put gravy on top of pretty much all of that stuff you listed? Of course you do. Unless you’re some kind of anti-gravy terrorism apologist weirdo. Boobs.

GRAVY > Stuffing (omg my mom makes two types of stuffing and one has sausage in it) > turkey any color I don’t discriminate > mashed potatoes > ravioli (on Thanksgiving? YUP) > biscuits > string beans in olive oil > candied yams > cranberry sauce > pumpkin pie > belt hole adjustment > wine > sofa > the way the house smells when you walk in > Lions throwbacks > no elbow room at the table > pass the pepper > don’t feed the dog any turkey he’ll get the runs > High school Turkey Bowl > go move grandmom’s car she parked in the middle of the street > Leon Lett




PS - Homemade gobblers + college football on Friday in sweatpants > all of it.

DG: I just want to point out that mashed potatoes are dumb because you can have them any time. Stuffing (like, REAL stuffing) is an absolute treasure and should be treated as such. Also, once Thanksgiving dinner is over, that means Christmas is starting and I will watch the Muppet Christmas Carol movie 100 times.

HEY SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS, in the song “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree,” when Brenda Lee says “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie, and we’ll do some caroling,” it totally sounds like “Later we’ll have some f*ckin’ pie.” Go ahead, listen to it now. I'll wait.




Right? You’ll never unhear that now.

In conclusion, here is the final definitive list:

Stuffing > biscuits > wine > lasers > pumpkin pie > turkey > Barry Sanders highlights on Youtube > naps > leftovers for days > songs with secret swear words in them > gravy > James Bond and/or Godfather marathons on cable > cranberry sauce > vegetables > mashed potatoes > “How’s the job hunt going? Are you really making enough money blogging to get by? What do you mean ‘For now’? You aren’t thinking of doing that as a real job, are you? What about your law degree?! And where is this blog? Can we read it?”

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Eagles Week Vince Young Report Card


Eagles Week Vince Young Report Card - Now with 9% more WORDS!



“Quarterback”
ZWR: I hate Vince Young as much Vince Young loves Patron Silver. F.

Five Pete: HOOK ‘EM TEXAS TECH BABY GO AGGIES!

CK: Oh great. Five Pete’s back. Lotta good you did the Phillies. Take your voodoo shaman Boone’s Farm drinking Pall Mall smoking self back to Wildwood before you jinx Thanksgiving and the turkey gets burnt. Vince Young eight minute 4th quarter drive ftw dream team omg wait what Vince Young put a shirt on bro. C



DG: I missed the whole game because I was sick and I fell asleep at like 8pm with the covers pulled all the way up over my head like a 6-year-old. D.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Eagles Week TEN (?) Report Card Whatever Who Cares


Noooooooo, not the wheel route!!!
Everyone gets an F we’re just going to post whatever we want. Time’s yours.

DG: Hi. I hate the Eagles so I’m just gonna post insane music videos. Ok? Ok.

Quarterback
ZWR: Danger, this is stupid stuff:
You see Mike Vick is fast enough;
Though each pass amiss, ’tis clear,
Accelerates how you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the D Juan makes,
Gives fat red chaps the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well, the horned head:
He poor lads, Steve Smith’s turn turn now
Twas shot- killed! right before the first down.
Pretty friendship ’tis to rhyme
Wait where’s DeSean he’s not on time?
Moping melancholy mad:
Come, read this post then, lad.

CK: Spinach is disgusting. F

DG:Jam” by Michael Jackson. A+. Starting around the 3:00 mark, it features Michael Jordan playing 1-on-1 against Michael Jackson in an empty warehouse, a guest verse by Heavy D (RIP), a cameo by Kriss Kross, and Michael Jackson teaching Michael Jordan how to dance. This is how you make a music video.

Running Back
ZWR: LeSean McCoy rules good thing they’re saving his legs for the playoffs. He touched the ball less in the fourth quarter than the Cardinals’ defensive backs.

DG:Gravel Pit” by Wu-Tang. A+. I’ve said this many times, but not enough music videos feature dinosaurs, sexy cave ladies, Ghostface Killah wearing head-to-to white fur in a rock quarry, AND end with a 90 second ninja battle. Something to work on, directors.

CK: Lady Gaga is hot in a weird way. C

MEECH*: ay yo cuz these pretzels are makin me thirsty?

*not really Meech

Wide Receiver
ZWR: Riley Cooper had a real big game, with one crucial dropped pass and a false start penalty. Seriously, a false start penalty. He plays wide receiver. His hair looked gorgeous though--downright Matthewsesque, I dare say. Also, he and Colt Anderson should have to line up next to each other on every kickoff. Also also, penalty on Colt Anderson for not wearing number 45.

And it should be clear to everyone by now that Steve Smith is a mole for the New York Giants, sent to Philadelphia to sabotage our Eagles. The guy was running towards a first down late in the game, and decided to lay down about 2 yards short. For what reason?! There’s only one explanation. I rest my case.

Even the other other Steve Smith is rendered speechless

DG:Volcano Girls” by Veruca Salt. A-. I like to imagine the treatment for this video was just a cocktail napkin with the word “BUUNNGGGEEEEEEEEEE!” written on it in red crayon.

CK: That new sausage jawn at Dunkin Donuts was surprisingly not terrible. B-

Red Skelton
ZWR: Fordham’s Finest. A+, future Hall of Famer. Had 100 yards passing on one single drive against Juan Castillo’s vaunted “Nobody Cares” defense.


CK: John Skelton looks like a thinner version of High Pitch Eric. F


DG: I used to have a crush on She-Ra. Just throwin’ that out there.

"She-Ra?" "Yes, Dan-Ger?" "You can have my hearted breast plate." "Oh neat, thanks."

John Lynch
“BOY I TELL YA MICHAEL VICK LOOKED PHENOMENAL IN PRACTICE ON FRIDAY, I SWEAR TO GOD HE DIDN’T THROW A SINGLE INCOMPLETION IT WAS INCREDIBLE BASICALLY THE EAGLES ARE GONNA ROLL THE CARDINALS THEY HAVE NO SHOT MIKE VICK IS YOUR NEW PRACTICE GOD EAGLES SHOULD WIN BY 40, SAY, ANYONE WANT TO BUY SOME AVOCADOS?” F+

CK: Dick Stockton was the drunkest man in the stadium. A

This came out in like 1989.
DG: I watched the game on mute again. A.

Offensive Line
ZWR: When I saw the dude from Survivor starting to sing Eye of the Tiger during the fight on Saturday night I immediately wondered how many times Pacquiao’s people had to call him back before he accepted that they weren’t prank calls.

DG:Holding out for a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler. B+. This video is like one of those clubs Stefon describes on SNL. It’s got: creepy ghost angels singing backing vocals, a man with a glow in the dark whip, bad guys wearing wearing black who want to kidnap you but will let you finish singing first, a cowboy in all white on a white horse, and scenic landscapes of the American southwest. The 80s were super weird.

CK: The Eagles player introductions were to "In the air tonight" by Phil Collins. That really gets your blood going for a 1 o'clock game. F

Defensive Line
ZWR: I was playing cornhole on Saturday and a guy on the other team yelled out “I’M THE ANSWER” after sinking a shot and then right after I did too and blurted, “WELL I’M THE REBUTTAL!” and started doing the butt (I won the battle but lost the war).

DG:She’s Gone” by Hall and Oates. B+. At about the 2:45 mark, a man in a devil costume walks onto the set and helps Oates put on an extra long tuxedo jacket (with what appear to be flippers at the end of the sleeves) over his sleeveless dress shirt so he can shred his guitar solo. The 70s were also super weird.

ZWR: Excellent sleeper pick there by DG! TRUE STORY: Hall and Oates played at halftime of the Eagles/Niners Monday Night Football game when the donkey shot the flare gun and we wore all green uniforms. I un-burned that from my memory.

CK: I'm doing this from my iPhone and it's really annoying. F

Linebacker

DG: “Sky is the Limit” by Notorious B.I.G. A+++++++. Anyone who doesn’t like this video should be disenfranchised.

ZWR: Remember Calbert Cheaney?


CK: I’ll see your Calbert Cheaney and raise you a Damon Bailey.

DG: Eric Mayberry and Todd Day = MayDay

CK: 40 minutes of hell ftw.


Cornerback
DG: Non-music video note: The Eagles paying Nnamdi millions and putting him in dumb zones is like buying a 60-inch flat screen, laying it on its side, and using it as your dinner table.

ZWR: Or using it as a ping pong table (actually that’s the opposite because playing ping pong on “Saved by the Bell the College Years” is straight up ALL-PRO).


CK: Or taking your O-line coach and making him the D-coordinator? I know lol. Frig this.

Safety
DG:My Prerogative” by Britney Spears. The original version by Bobby Brown is a better song, but Bobby Brown does not look nearly as good rolling around on a bed in white lingerie.

ZWR: Dude, this is a family bolg! Winner of the week - Bobby Brown’s socks in the “Every Little Step” video.

DG: Related Bobby Brown GIF from my Tumblr thingy.

CK: I was obsessed with B. Brown’s smash hit from Ghostbuster’s II “On Our Own”. A+ Too hot to handle to cold to hold.

DG: Donald Trump cameo FTW.

ZWR: One friday in grade school our teacher put Q102 on for art class and that came on and we all started rapping best moment of my life no child left behind.

Special Teams
ZWR: Pierogies are the jam, though I think we’re about ready for some with pepper jack inside. A pepper jack and hash brown pierogie. zOMG. And I’ll use a little pierogie branding iron to put my initials on it. Then I’ll watch the Clue movie.

DG:Hey Ladies” by the Beastie Boys. You guys, if this blogging thing doesn’t pan out, we should be the new hot white guy rap trio.

CK: A grilled cheese with pepper jack and hash brown pierogies inside and everything is topped with melted cheese and salsa.

Coaching
DG: I said something like this on Twitter, but the Eagles are so comically inept at this point that their only hope is for a hotshot lawyer to get a DUI and have a judge order him to coach the team as part of his community service.

ZWR: Wayne Gretzky had 92 goals and 120 assists in 1981.

CK: Go Raiders.

FIN.

Friday, November 11, 2011

A Note: RAINN


Hey kids, what's to follow is a note from a close friend (and neighbor). I thank you for taking the time to read it, and hope that in some form it resonates that we can help toward creating some sort of good from a situation truly awful. -ZWR- 


I grew up Penn State.  I was 7 years old when I traveled with my father and brother to University Park for my first football game. Penn State vs Notre Dame and our seats were next to the Blue Band. Perfect! It was incredible and I knew it was a special place. The people, the faculty and staff at Penn State made a huge difference in my life and I am thankful for the opportunities presented to me because I’m a Nittany Lion. I will always consider Penn State my home and my community.
With that said, none of my happy memories matter as we confront and deal with the horrible crimes that took place on our campus and in our community. My husband, who is also an alum, and I are devastated. It is though we have experienced a death and we don’t know what to do with the pain, anger and sadness.  Our hearts are with the victims and their families. We are with you in your fight for justice.
I realize that we all share different opinions about the Board of Trustees, the administration and coaches involved in this situation.  However, I know that We Are united in supporting the victims of these horrible crimes and making a collective statement that this can’t happen again. Not at Penn State, not anywhere in the world.
We can come together as a community to make a difference. A group of wonderful PSU alums have partnered with the Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN) to create Proud PSU for RAINN to raise dollars and awareness to end sexual and interpersonal violence in our communities.
I can imagine that the thought of donating to a non-profit may seem unthinkable right now knowing what happened at the 2nd Mile Foundation. I have dedicated my career to ending sexual assault and interpersonal violence as an educator and activist and have worked with RAINN for many years. They are doing incredible work to help survivors! Here are a few updates on the Proud PSU for RAINN campaign:
-Since #ProudPSUforRAINN launched, RAINN has seen a 20% increase in demand for the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline, which is a popular resources for younger victims who feel more comfortable seeking help online.

-Donations from the #ProudPSUforRAINN campaign directly benefit RAINN's prevention initiatives and provide support to for those affected by this crime through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines. Since 1994, RAINN's hotlines have provided free, confidential support to help more than 1.5 million survivors take the first steps towards recovery.
I encourage you to learn more about RAINN and support the Proud PSU for RAINN campaign. We can make a difference. We Are…Penn State.
For the Glory,

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Eagles Week Nine Report Card - with CK, DG, and ZWR


PREFACE: I was going to post this yesterday but was too miserable and then my stupid boss made me do stuff at work so I let it be but earlier today Danger sent me an impassioned plea to pull everyone out of the doldrums created with the Penn State mess (by reminding them of the Eagles season-crippling loss) so here goes. ENJOY!

Quarterback
ZWR: Oh screw everything I don’t give a crap anymore Vick should have thrown about nine interceptions and hits defensive linemen in the face with 50% of his screen passes. Okay that’s a lie, I do care... and it’s more like 60% of his screen passes. C- Oh, and go bite yourself Vince Young. FU

DG: I’m glad Mike Vick has adopted the McNabbian strategy of being awesome most of the time and then, every once in a while, playing like a pile of poop with a frowny face drawn on it. D

CK: Mike Vick looked great in the intros with Brian Urlacher. His confident wink gave me hope. His throws this week were not lasers. Or darts. More like cooked linguini. Also there’s a rumor floating he sent out dong shots to a sidepiece. C-

Sunday, November 6, 2011

JASON KELCE HAMCUZZI


Hi guys - CK checking in for a quick Sunday morning post. Late last week, Eagles rookie center and mustache farmer Jason Kelce was taking suggestions via Twitter for things to add to his bucket list. Being the adventurous type, I suggested to Jason that he should probably eat a ham and cheese sandwich in a hot tub.

Here's what happened today:



Yep. New favorite player*.




*favorite player not named LeSean - sorry JK he's really awesome but you are right up there now plus he couldn't do it without your blocking so really you've been there all along kick the Bears in the butt please do it for Emma.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Costume Contest Prize Guest Post, by AWESOME EMMA (Must read)


So I had a Halloween costume contest for which the winner was awarded a guest post on this very here bolg. As you recall, the winner of the contest turned out to be Emma dressed as Buddy the Elf.  And according to her mom, Emma was so excited to win that she started working on her guest post immediately. And thanks to a fortuitous day off from school, Emma's guest post was kind of like a field trip. I don't want to spoil anything--and I implore you to read everything below in its glorious entirety--but I think we can all agree that Emma is going places in life. Because this is incredible. I'd say that we may have to introduce Emma to the Future Governor of Ohio, but frankly I'm not sure even he's cool enough.

Please read this. --Z

Enter Emma:

I WONNED!!! Thank YOU for picking me as the 2011 winner of the First Annual ZWR Costume Contest! This is the most special thing that ever happened to me in my WHOLE entire life. ZWR has inspired me to write about things that I’ve always wanted to do and now I can inspire others to do the same. I am the BIGGEST fan of the movie Elf. Ever since I saw the movie for the very first time I wanted to do THIS and ZWR gave me the inspiration. NOTE: Don’t try this at home kids.

Editor's note: O.M.G. Yes Please
After my super fun ride up the escalator, I wanted to go to the bookstore because I LOVE books and they are really GOOD for your brain. Once I got inside, I thought THIS would be fun.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I’m in a stooore and I’m siiinging.” NOTE: People look at you kinda funny but I think you should give it a try. The last thing on my list of things that I have been wanting to do is THIS:

Emma hereby officially awarded Coolest Kid Ever award in perpetuity.
THE DOUGIE!!! Teach me how to Dougie, (teach me), teach me how to Dougie. Note: It’s A LOT easier than I thought. You should try it too!

I’d also really like talk about my FAVORITE TEAM in the whole wide WORLD, the PHILLIES. My mom has been taking me to games since I was only a little kid. My favorite player is Chase Utley. He makes me warm inside and my tongue starts to swell. Oh yeah, don’t forget about Ben Francisco. That’s fun to say, Francisco, Francisco. Most importantly, we MUST not forget the BEST pitcher in all of baseball, including this side of the Wild West AND the other side too, the one who inspired this bolg, ROY HALLADAY! My mom took THIS photo of him at a game we went to:

Emma knows her audience
Taa-Daaa!! I think he is the BOMB. He pitches like a SUPERSTAR and it takes a lot of COURAGE to do that while everyone is watching. When he pitched his perfect game, I think it brought THOUGHTS to the other player’s BRAINS that you should NEVER MESS WITH ROY HALLADAY.

Buddy had a Code of the Elves so I’d like to start a Code of the Phillies:

1.) Treat EVERY game like the World Series.
2.) There is room for everyone on the NICE LIST, except the M_ts fans.
3.) The BEST way to spread Phillies cheer is by singing High Hopes for all to hear.

Thanks again to the really fabulous panel of judges who picked me as the winner, ZWR, Craney, Danger Guerrero, Vince the Brewer and the supermodel guy, Alex Reardon. You have the best bolg ever in the history of bolgs. I hope I inspired someone else to try the things you’ve always wanted to do, like ZWR inspired me (Ed. note: *breaths on finger nails, rubs them on shoulder*). I ‘m so appreciative of this prestigious award and I hope I made you proud.

I’d like to tell the other contestants: you really did a good job. Please don’t be sad. Your costumes were lovely.

P.S. JAYSON WERTZ IS A COTTON-BEARDED-NINNY-MUGGINS

P.S.S. I never won anything in my entire life and have always wanted a trophy. Is there any way you can give me a trophy, please? (Emma, we'll see what we can do. --Z)

Sincerely,
Awesome Emma

Frankly, this made me happier than anything ever. Emma (and her Mom, Bridget) totally rule. I don't really know what else to say. My work here is done. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: First Annual ZWR Halloween Costume Contest Winner!


Wow, you donkeys rule! The submissions we received this year for the First Annual ZWR Halloween Costume Contest were, by-and-large, awesome. I mean, when a dog dressed like Mr. T doesn’t win you know the field was stacked.

What we’re going to do now is unprecedented (Vince the Brewer: duh- this is the first contest, Hammer!): an open look into the thought process of our distinguished panel- me, Craney, Danger Guerrero, ZWR Supermodel Alex Reardon, and Vince the Brewer. Hopefully you’ll gain from this insight into how this whole thing shook out, background on the decision-making process, and an understanding of our appreciation for the entries. That and/or random, stupid jokes.

The most important element of all, though, is who wonned! {Drum roll, please}

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