Charlie and the Gang Say Goodbye to Wilson Valdez

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by ZWR and Cranekicker
 

 

Charlie are you okay baby? Your Twitter is blowing up.

Not now Jimmy I told you I ain’t got time for that twinkies stuff I just need to get a dial tone here so I can call up Winston and let him know I’m here for him and his family I loved them being around the 

clubhouse man this one hurts me.

 

His family was around the clubhouse?

Yeah man all them goats and stuff with the beards. So much love and we never had like extra food and junk leftover in the locker room and they were always goin like “Meehhhh” makin that sound it would crack me up good. Love those guys.

You thought the goats were his family?

Man’s best friend ain’t you read Mutley and Me? Come on. Why you think they have like human names like everyone names their goat Billy sometimes. 

Dogs really are a part of the family’s soul, Jimmy. We bring ours everywhere. 

I KNOW RIGHT COLE I LOVE DOGS THEY ARE SO AWESOME AND HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY AND ARE ALWAYS RUNNING AROUND AND JUMPING AND BARKING AND PANTING AND PLAYING FRISBEE GOLF AND LOVE GOING TO THE PARK I LOVE THE PARK IT’S GREAT THERE ARE TREES THERE AND LOTS OF GRASS SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET DOGGIES SHOES AND SWEATERS AND STUFF IT’S FUNNY I’M LIKE MAN THAT POOCH HAS STYLE!

Bro I got a story about doggy style...

 They were goats!

Enough! Winston was an All-Star show some respect we just lost an intergrill part of the team case closed.

Sounds to me like you’re barking up the wrong tree, J-Roll. Ha ha ha ha...

AAAAAAND I’LLLL TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE WIIIIITTTTH ME THE MEMMMMMORRRRIIIIIEEEEEEES TO BEEEEE MYYY SUNSHINNNNNE AFTERRRR THE RAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN

Is okay Choddy and Joan Pampelbong I be happy in Thincinoddy they seem vedy nice dees are no goobye is jus mor like “I weel see you nes tie”

WINSTON! You’re still here!!!

Yeas I ham still here jus wading for Rooben to get my hairplayn tickee to Iowa.

Hahaha Cincinnati is in Ohio man, not Iowa.

OHIO? DAIS NO FUN WUT ABOW MEECHTWO AND HIS BRADDERS? DEY WAS ALL CITED TO EAT ALL DE CORN IN IOWA NOW WUT HAYM SAPOST TO TELL THEM?

TINNNN SOLDIERS AND NIXXXONS COMMMING WEEEE’RE FINALLY ON OURRR OWNNNN. THISSSS SUMMER I HEARRR THE DRUMMMING FOUUUUURRRRR DEAD IN OHIOOOOOOOOOO.

 

PAMPELBONG CHU HAR SCURRING ME. I WAN TO GO TO IOWA.

Take er easy now Winston Cincinnati ain’t so bad like you may get more playin time on the mound even plus when I was younger we used to run moonshine over the Kentucky border and get blotto so you could probably have fun doin that too.

 

Heef I gaint caught de weel deport.

True. Maybe you like should go to Iowa. Less temptasting in the plains. I think the Cubs have a midget league team there in AAA. They like fix your car and stuff too. And there’s goats all over the place in Iowa it’s like a goat convention you guys will love it. AY RUBEN YOU HERE YET CANCEL THE REDS TRADE WINSTON WANTS TO GO TO IOWA AND I SAY HE SHOULD.

I TALKED TO A CAAAT FROM DES MOIIINES HE SAID HE RANNN A CLEANING PLANNNNT THAT CAT WAS CLANKING WITH COIIIIIIIN WELL HE MUST HAVE HADDD A GENIEEEE IN A LAMMPPPPP.

Joni Mitchell never lied....

Yeah yeah skip, I’ll be with you in a minute. (mumbles under breath) …. Calling Gillick to see if he wants the job back....

EDDIE!! Get in here and handle this.

You rang, Mr. Amaro? 

ED WADE?! Great to see you... um, when did you come back?

You’re looking... good?

I was hired in December as a special consultant to Mr. Amaro, Jr..

Thanks... 

No lie those Texas girls will take years off your life, bro.

Ed - Winston here says he wants to go to Iowa, not Cincy. Somethin

‘bout corn on his hot dogs insteada chili

I’m afraid that’s impossible. We’ve already sent his contract to Cincinnati in exchange for the contract of a fungible reliever. It felt great to be back on the horse again. I’m sorry, Wilson, someone had to be the sacrificial lamb to fulfill my blood lust for middle relievers. 

?????

TOOOO EVERYTHINGGGGG TURRNNNN, TURRRNNNN, TURRRNNNNN

But I thaunt I wus funniess releeber? De eenternaint asplode when I peetch. Undefeeted I mayt add....

I said fungible, not funniest. Beside we already have a funny reliever in Papelbon. Look at that shirt...my goodness. Pure comedy. The blogs should have a field day with that.

EWWWW FUNGUS IS GROSS HAHA MAKE SURE YOU GUYS WEAR SHOWER SHOES ALTHOUGH I DO LIKE MUSHROOMS YOU EVER HAVE THE ONES FROM HOULIHAN’S HOLY CRAP THOSE ARE GOOD.

 

Me and Iverson used to shish-ka-bob the whole staff at Houlihan’s on City Ave. Called ourselves the Black n’ Tan.

Hey Pat. It’s funny to see you here. Brings back some great memories.

Like what? NEVER WINNING ANYTHING EVER?

I built the foundation of this winning franchise. Everyone knows it.

PFFFFFT. Hahaha. Oh man. I... I can’t.....hahahah....I’m gonna choke. Someone bring me a Panna Water.

 I BUILT IT! YOU KNOW IT!

WEEEE BUILLLTTTT THIS CITTTTYYY ON ROCKKKKK AND ROLLLLLLLLLLLL OHHHHHHHH!

OH MAN I LOVE THAT SONG “BONGO PLAY THE RADIO LISTEN TO THE STEREO CAN’T YOU REMEMBER THEY BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL” DIOMIOBIOBIOBEEEUUUUMEEEEEEEE

Dait wus guna be my wonk up musik dis seasawn..... :(

Don’t worry Wilson, I’ll be there with you. Don’t stop believin....

I can chuse dat song for my wonk up song in Thincinoddy Maidsawn?

*Familiar piano chords start to fade in to the locker room, slowly catching everyone’s attention*

*starts bobbing head, pantomimes piano playing*

DENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEDENEWEEEEEE

BOMP BOMP!

Just a city boy...

BORN AND RAISED IN SOUTHH DETROIIIIIT...

HEEE TOOK THE MIDNIGGGHT TRAINNN GOIN ANNNNYWWWHHHHHEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE...

A singer in a smokey room...

Ewwwwww smoking is gross!

The smell of swine and cheap perfume...

I think the lyric is wine, man

Nah he’s talking about slampigs, bro

FOR A SMILLLLEEEE THEY CAN SHARE THE NIGHT

IT GOES ONNNN AND ONNNNNN AND ONNNN AND OHHHHH

Strangers... waiting....

Up and down the boullevvarrdddd...

:( Their shadows searching in the night.... :(

Something something, streetlights, running through them, mumble mumble, something whatever...?

HIDING. SOMEWHERE...

IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHT

Well this has been quite the Journey, huh fellas?

How about we cut to the damn chorus already before the lights go down in the city...

DOOONNNN’T STOP...BELIEVING......

Hone don to de feeeeeelennn.....

 

DON’T STOP--