Wednesday, February 29, 2012

ZWR Scouting Report: Phils v. Florida State University

Baseball is here! Real (fake), intense (practice), spring training (results don’t count even towards exhibition league play) baseball! Today the Phillies take on the Florida State Seminoles, a college baseball team, at 1:05 p.m. EST.

To get everyone pumped up for the matchup, me and CK went ahead and put together the following comprehensive scouting report of Florida State’s squad:  

Paternius Lols: Top of the order speed is in abundance with Paternius. Loves to steal bags, clothing from department stores <-- Criminoles joke, boom, right off the bat.

Tank Costanza: Your classic, mashing DH, balls have been clocked off of his 30 oz composite crystal-core Demarini bat (NCAA Approved!) at speeds in excess of eleven billionty miles per hour. Tank carries a 3.7 GPA as a double major in sociology and religious studies.

JD Drew: He’s a total buttwad.

Jenn Sterger: A favorite in the clubhouse. Likes to keep things loose. Has a history of home runs in first at-bats. Rumors have persisted that her performance might be of the artificially enhanced variety, but I’m not buying it. Once drew a composite sketch of Brett Favre’s wang.

Doug Manischewitz: Buy another vowel, dorkbeak. (Sweet hat though)

Buster Posey: OMG he’s so adorable look at him! AHHHHHHH MY LEG. Splat. Watch the tramcar, please.

Deion Sanders and Charlie Ward: Elite speed and instincts. Hearing these two will stay in Clearwater - rumored to be included in a deal that will send Joe Blanton to Tallahassee. 



Cheer up ya baby there’s a Barnacle Bill’s there you’ll love it.


Sam Cassell: Expected to start the season at catcher, only because people keep putting a mask in his locker.

Chief Osceola: In the mix for a middle infield position. Suffered a setback when his horse pooped on second base.

Stephen Drew: Middle-infielder, total buttwad

Bob Sura: Injury-plagued reliever currently in the dog house. Team isn’t too happy with their closer giving up runs on purpose in non-save situations to record saves.

Chris Weinke: The 51-year old former Heisman winner is giving baseball yet another shot after a failed series of minor league baseball, NFL quarterbacking, Amway sales rep, and Applebee’s hosting careers. Not sure how exactly this works, but apparently he still has some eligibility left. No one is sure what to expect, other than bald/old/fat guy jokes.

De’Cody Fagg

Burt Reynolds: Famous Jeopardy contestant and preseason All-ACC mustache team.

Tamarick Vanover: Wait - federal authorities unsealed records showing he helped finance a marijuana trafficking ring that involved former Chiefs running back Bam Morris? That won’t bode well for a roster spot.

Donkeytus Emeritus. I don’t even know what this means but it made me laugh. 

Brayden and Ayden McOakleyface: Following in the buttwadded footsteps of the Drew boys, the middle of FSU’s order is anchored up the middle by this bro tandem. Ayden, a junior, and Brayden, a frosh, are both on the All-ACC Watch List according to And don’t look now, but younger bro Cayden, still just in middle school, is rumored to be the strongest prospect of the entire McOakleyface litter.


Go Phils.

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