Friday, April 27, 2012

An Exhaustive Scouting Report of the New Jersey Devils

Well, it certainly worked for round one. Team sources confirm that Flyers scouts scoured over our extensive report in preparation for the jerk-wads from Pittsburgh, and the results speak for themselves. Meech, Danger, Craney, and I can only hope that this latest scouting endeavor yields similarly fruitful rewards. 

Also, here's a picture of the Legion of Doom:

These guys *always* beat Jersey in the playoffs...

Ilya Kovalchuk
- Hangs around with Andrew Bogut, David Wright, and Peyton Hillis in what they like to call “The Worst Best Players Club”. 

Patrik Elias
- The A on his jersey stands for “A Poophead”.

David Clarkson
- Once wrote a sincere letter to Aqua Fresh asking them to add jelly to their toothpaste. Also a top-notch fighter: 

Ryan Carter
- Always asks to put the armrest down as soon as he takes his seat on the team plane.

Steve Bernier
- Throws a “Weekend at Bernier’s” party every summer. Nobody enjoys it.

Travis Zajac
- Tries too hard to diffuse Pat Sajak jokes by immediately launching into Jeopardy schtick, which then just confuses people and they say “whatever you’re some nobody hockey player.”

Alexei Ponikarovski
- Hometown: Liberty, Missouri.

Andy Greene
- Orders salads at McDonalds.

Anton Volchenkov
- Tears up every time Drago stands up, turns to the Prime Minister, and yells “Я бороться с победить!" "Для меня!" "Для меня!”

“Я бороться с победить!" "Для меня!" "Для меня!”

Zach Parise
- I don’t want to say that he’s looking forward to getting out of New Jersey after this year or anything, but it was awfully suspicious when he told Lou Lamoriello, “Ummmm... I lost my iPhone. And … so did my agent. Don’t want to get new ones because we’ll have to extend our contract. No, totally, we’ll call you once we’re eligible for the upgrade. Psyched about the 5.”

Johan Hedberg
- Hey yo cuz, this kid wishes he could play junior hockey now because he’d “kick some f*cking ass.” (Editor's Note: This was Meech's!!!)

Adam Henrique
- Half American name. Half French name. ALL DORK.

Martin Brodeur
- Once--okay probably a lot more than once, actually--he banged his sister-in-law.

Petr Sykora
- Sometimes he just forgets, says things he might regret. It breaks his heart to see you crying. He doesn’t want to lose you, he could never make it alone.

Alexei Ponikarovsky
(Pt. 2) - Current world junior champion runner-up for the title of “Most Russianest-Sounding Ukranian Name Ever”

I Googled "Slava" - seems about right
Slava Kutzhiznutzov - This isn’t even a real NHL player but if a person with this name did exist he’d probably be a defensive forward for the New Jersey Devils.

Cam Janssen
- I mean, this guy stinks. Seriously. CAM JANSSEN. According to Wikipedia (who the heck took the time to make him a page?), “Janssen is also known as an enforcer and 'tough guy' for his physical play and frequent fights,” but really his name just makes him sound like a character in the Swedish version of Cars 3.

Dainius Zubrus
- Remember when the Flyers drafted him in the first round and everyone was all, “Dude this kid made the big club right out of juniors he’s going to be a solid two-way player forever what a find!” and then he scored like six goals a year and made Chris Gratton look fluid and we traded him and you thought he was still in the league but never knew with what team and he’d pop up and you’d be like “Oh yeah, I remember Zubrus” then the same thing would happen two years later and you were like “Dude, he’s still around? That kind of makes sense.” Yeah, that’s his career.

Bryce Salvador
- Draws a dong on each of his sticks and laughs like a moron whenever he cross-checks people with it.

Jacon Josefson
- This exciting rookie was giving Devils fans reason to be excited ... until he was eaten by Governor Chris Christie. (See, Christie is obese)

Marek Zidlicky
- This donkey annoys me, because his last name is so not pronounced “Zid-lick-eeee”. Just watch.

Mark Fayne
- Spills water on your computer and then insists he knows how to fix it (“BRO! PUT IT IN A BAG OF RICE!”), but his tips never work and he tells you to just give it a day to dry out (“TRUST ME, BRO. MY BOY STEEZ DID THIS ONCE.”) and it still doesn’t work and then when you point out that it’s his fault that you have to go buy a new computer now, he just says “Sorry, bro” instead of offering any money.

Stephen Gionta
- Throws water balloons at people even though it’s 50 degrees outside and no one else wants to play.

Peter Harrold
- Always tries to tell you about what happened on “Big Bang Theory.” Wears a “BAZINGA!” shirt under his sweater during road games, “for good luck.” His teammates mostly ignore him.

Ryan Carter (Pt. 2)
- Offers to buy a round of shots and then comes back to the table with the Banker’s Club.

Henrik Tallinder
- Is currently on injured reserve because he tried to change a light bulb in his kitchen using a swivel chair on wheels


  1. Для меняяяяяяя!

  2. Hit the one in the middle

  3. Hedberg, Meech you are a genious

  4. I knew I saw Sykora last time I was in Okinawa!

  5. The Dainius Zubrus made me snort laugh at work!


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