by Danger Guerrero, aka Hazard Rodriguez
[Scene: Outside Phillies High, as the students are hanging around and filtering in for the first day of school]
Jimmy Rollins: … yeah I got that allowance raised and I spent all summer at the pool and it was straight swag. White Gucci trunks, white Louis Vuitton flip flops, clear towel so everybody saw my white on white even when I was wrapped up, thick-rimmed glasses so the honeys knew I was stylin'. Classic JRoll.
Cole Hamels: I went to the pool, t-
Jimmy Rollins: Don’t get me wrong, though, I never went in the water. Can’t mess up the threads. Nuh uh. Can’t have it. Straight profilin’ to and from the snack bar all day, buyin' the girlies some Twizzlers, mackin’ like a boss. Swag.
Cole Hamels: The lifeguards let me go in the pool during adult swim because splashing aggravates my ashtm-
Jimmy Rollins: Yo shut up. What’s that? Oh, hold up. It’s the crew.
[The low hum of two speeding mopeds comes to a screeching halt as Shane Victorino and Hunter Pence pull up in front of the school.]
Shane Victorino: [removes helmet] HeyJimmyHeyColeIt’sMeShaneIGotAMopedAndIt’sFastITookItOffRampsAllSummer. GuessWhatIWentToHawaiiTooBecauseI’mFromHawaiiAndIMetADolphin. INamedHimPepsiHeWasWet.
Hunter Pence: YeahAndIGotAMopedTooButIDidn’tMeetADolphin. IfIWouldHaveIWouldHaveNamedHimDexRocketblasterOrMaybeSteve.
Jimmy Rollins: Oh snap. A dolphin? Did you try to ride him? I woulda stood up on his back and surfed into shore lookin' fly. Young Jeezy. Yeezy. RAWSE.
Shane Victorino: OKIThinkYou'reJustNamingRappersNowButAnywayNoYouCan’tRideDolphins. They’reTooSlipperySoInsteadWeBecameBestFriends. IWroteHimALetterAndEmailedItToPepsiAtTheOceanDotComIBetHeGotIt.
Cole Hamels: They don’t have computers in the ocean Sha-
Hunter Pence: OhNoHolyCrapLookAtThat!
[The short bus pulls up. With assistance from Carlos Ruiz and Cliff Lee, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley exit the bus on crutches and in a wheelchair, respectively. Chase Utley is furious.]
Hunter Pence: WhatHappenedToYouGuysDidYouFallOffYourMopeds?
Carlos Ruiz: No they no fall off they mopess. Ryan tear his A-keel-ees tennon, ann Shase has big prollems with his kneece.
Shane Victorino: YouKilledHisTendon? IThoughtYouGuysWereFriends!
Jimmy Rollins: Hey, and what’s the matter with Chase’s niece? Is she pregnant? I thought she was like 9 years old. Kids these days, man…
Carlos Ruiz: [frustrated] No, no his niece. His KNEECE. You asplain it, Cleef.
Cliff Lee: [chews gum]
Carlos Ruiz: Cleef!
Cliff Lee: They’re hurt.
Chase Utley: I’m fine.
Shane Victorino: ChaseIDon’tThinkYou’reFineIfYouWereFineYouWouldn’tBeInAWheelchair. HeyMyGrandpaIsInAWheelchairDoYouKnowHimHisNameIsGrandpa.
Chase Utley: I said I'm fine. Wheel me to the batting cage, Chooch.
Carlos Ruiz: Joo can no hit in jour condeechon, Shase. I'm taking joo to de norse.
Ryan Howard: [eats five Honey Buns, does not do rehab]
[The secretary's voice rings out over the intercom. "Will the following students please report to the football field immediately: Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Shane Victorino, Hunter Pence, Cliff Lee, and Cole Hamels."]
Jimmy Rollins: Yo, the football field? That sh-t cray.
[The students all make their way to the Phillies High football field, except for Carlos Ruiz, who goes to the soccer field, because futbol means soccer and this is therefore hilarious. Eventually they all get to the right place, where they find Superintendent Amaro standing with Principal Manuel and another student, hitting golf balls with his tie tucked into his dress shirt.]
Superintendent Amaro: [looks at watch] Took you long enough.
Shane Victorino: SorrySuperNintendoAmaroItTookUsAWhileBecauseChaseAndRyanAreHurt. ChoochGotLostBecauseOfSpanish.
Superintendent Amaro: Whatever. No more talking, just listen. BALL!
Principal Manuel: Um, like, sure thing boss. Comin', ya know, right up.
[Principal Manuel places a golf ball on a tee in front of Superintendent Amaro, who proceeds to launch it 320 yards, straight as an arrow. A muffled "Ouch" is heard in the distance.]
All students except Cliff Lee: (in unison) Whoaaaa.
Cliff Lee: [chews gum]
Superintendent Amaro: [motions to new student] This is Johnny Papelbon. I gave him a Nissan and now he goes to school here.
Jonathan Papelbon: Actually bro, I prefer Jonath-
Superintendent Amaro: [stares at Jonathan Papelbon]
Jonathan Papelbon: Johnny's fine.
Superintendent Amaro: This is how it's gonna be. Last year? Unacceptable. Sure you guys did fine during the year, but you really crapped the bed during finals. And no school of mine craps the bed during finals. Do you know why? ANSWER ME, PANAMA!
Carlos Ruiz: But joo say no talki-
Superintendent Amaro: Because I win, that's why! I. WIN. All the time. Even when I lose I win. GOT IT? BALL!
[Principal Manuel places down another golf ball, which Superintendent Amaro again hits 320 yards into the distance. A faint "Come on!" echoes back towards the group.]
Hunter Pence: HeyWhat'sThatSoundItSoundsLikeThere'sAPersonOutThere.
Superintendent Amaro: [cracks terrifying smile] Oh, that? Why don't you take a look?
[Superintendent Amaro hands binoculars to the group of students. As they each take a turn peering through the lenses, they see fellow student Kyle Kendrick tied to a pole, surrounded by golf balls and covered in bruises.]
Ryan Howard: JESUS!
Superintendent Amaro: Kyle disappointed me. This is what happens when you disappoint me.
Carlos Ruiz: Ass no legal, Suporintendee Omoro.
Superintendent Amaro: I AM THE LAW. Now quit your sniveling. Oo, I'm hurt. Oo, I have a degenerative knee conditions. ZIP IT. You will get it together, and you will get it together NOW. I don't care how you do it, but you are going finish strong this year, and get the top grades in the state. If it means I have to RIDE each one of you until you wet your Pull-Ups every time you think of this big beautiful face, so be it. You will produce, or I will MAKE YOU produce. Because I WIN. Comprende?
All students, even Cliff Lee: (in unison) Yes, sir.
Superintendent Amaro: WHAT?!
All students, even Cliff Lee: (in unison) YES SIR.
Superintendent Amaro: See? That wasn't so hard. CHUCKLES, MY BAG! VAMOS.
[Superintendent Amaro puts on his suit jacket and briskly walks away. Principal Manuel grabs Amaro's golf bag, and begins to chase after him. The students stand together in silence for a full minute, with only the steady clanging of Roy Halladay in his third hour of running the bleacher steps filling the air. Eventually Jimmy Rollins speaks up.]
Danger Guerrero used to write these at TheFightins.com, but he writes them here now. You can read more of his writing at the TV blog Warming Glow.