Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Phillies Take a New Approach



Inspired by a gutsy, physical, and dynamic Game 6 series victory by the Flyers over the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Philadelphia Phillies today announced a new approach to mending their offensive by modeling their play after their neighbor franchise. 

Using advanced futuristic technology, ZooWithRoy.com has exclusively obtained a top secret copy of the holographic simulation (you can do anything with holograms these days) of the plan in action.


While some of the data is missing and/or the beta algorithms lead to slight inaccuracy (as is to be expected with next generation holographic simulations), most of the basic script below falls within a reasonable margin of error and passes confidence interval testing. 

And now for a glimpse of your new look, Future Phillies:

 
Juan Pierre approaches Jimmy Rollins in the dugout, pre-game… “Make sure you watch this first at bat. It's time to make a statement.” Rollins obliges.

**Pierre proceeds to pop up a first pitch bunt attempt to catcher.



Placido Polanco stands at the dugout steps, glaring at Ryan Howard, who sits on the bench crippled and infected. “Make sure you watch the first inning, Piece. Big things going down. Muy grande, mi amigo.” 

**Polanco flails wildly at a first pitch slider 18 inches off the plate and rolls an infield practice ground ball to the second baseman. 


Cole Hamels converses with Hunter Pence in the locker room before a critical April affair with the Chicago Cubs. “Hey, Hunter, like maybe you should tell Zolecki you’re afraid of bears or something…”

Shane Victorino: “BEARS WHERE BRO I HATE BEARS THAT’S NOT FUNNY I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT TEDDY RUXPIN THAT’S NOT FUNNY HE HAD A MACHETE OR WAIT A MENUDO WHAT’S IT CALLED THE BIG KNIFE AND HE WAS CHASING ME BACK INTO DEEBO'S PIGEON COUP AND ALL I WAS WEARING WAS A PINEAPPLE AND A COON SKIN CAP SERIOUSLY MAN NOT COOL."

Hunter Pence: “I am afraid of bears too now I’m more scared I don’t like knives man I don’t want to get stabbed or eaten!!!”

Jimmy Rollins: “No, GUYS-- Cole was just trying to…”

Shane Victorino: “EVERYBODY RUN RUN EVERYBODY THERE ARE BEARS HERE THEY’RE ARE BEARS THEY'RE GOING TO EAT YOU IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU HAVE HONEY OR NOT THEY’RE CRAZZZZZYYYYYYYY”

Hunter Pence: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!”

**More than half of the roster sprints from the locker room and out of the stadium, causing the Phillies to forfeit a game and fall further behind the Washington Natinals in the loss column. Kyle Kendrick sprints out of the shower naked, trips over chair and face-plants in the middle of clubhouse.


Ruben Amaro (to Peter Laviolette): "So tell me, Paul, what do you do to get some juice out of these older oranges?"

Laviolette: "Well, actually, our best player is only 24, and we have anywhere from three to five other young players contributing major minutes any given moment."

Amaro: *Bursts out laughing* "Well that’s just stupid. Young and cheap never won anything. Between you and me, you should probably go out and get Gary Roberts and Owen Nolan."

 

Amaro (to Paul Holmgren): “Trust me, just tell everyone Pronger will be back for the start of the next season. No one will ever notice.”

Laynce Nix approaches the team in the top of the second inning. “If this cheesed*ck comes high and tight I’m charging the mound, everyone. Someone needs to step up and be a physical leader for this orga-ni-zation.”

Jimmy Rollins: “Ummm… what? I’m not sure that’s the best idea, dude…”

Greg Gross: "Just make sure it hits you before you charge. It's your only hope of getting on base.”

Nix: “That’s it, I’m not even waiting for my at bat, I’m charging this punk NOW.”

Jimmy Rollins: “During his warm-up tosses?”

**Nix begins to sprint out of the dugout, but slips rounding the corner up the stairs and collides spikes-first with Michael Martinez, who has just entered the dugout for the first time since March. Martinez instantly dies for the second time this season.


**Ty Wigginton stands at first base after reaching on an error against the Mets. Mike Pelfrey makes a perfunctory pick-off attempt to see if Freddy Galvis will show bunt (LOL). After returning the ball to Pelfrey, Ike Davis calls time-out and ties his shoe. Wigginton kicks Davis'glove into the Phillies dug-out and is immediately ejected from the game, leaving Jim Thome as the pinch runner. After the game, Wigginton is quoted: “What was I supposed to do? I don't like the Mets.”

Jimmy Rollins interjects, “That was the Penguins that did that, you moron."


**John Mayberry approaches Ilya Bryzgalov at a restaurant. “Hey, Bryz, big fan. Um, question -- and this is kind of different--but, have you ever thought about getting a mermaid painted onto your mask?” “I'm just saying.” “Um, they’re pretty cool.” Bryzgalov shakes his head and begins to get up from the table as if to leave. "You are a total weirdo, my friend."





11 comments:

  1. "Kyle Kendrick sprints out of the shower naked, trips over chair and face-plants in the middle of clubhouse"

    DERP

    ReplyDelete
  2. One critique of an otherwise briliant bolg entry:

    Not so sure Rollins should be the voice of reason in the clubhouse this time around. Shouldn't it be...

    Halladay?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meg has a point. You should give her credit for noticing this error.

      Delete
    2. Halladay almost never appears in these skits.

      Delete
    3. Would Halladay hang out with these guys given how little support the pitchers have gotten?

      Plus, wouldn't he be busy running stairs?

      Delete
    4. Well, Cole was involved in the discussion, so why not another pitcher like Halladay? Especially since the name of this blog mentions Halladay. Roy can still lead while exercising. I'm with Meg on this one.

      Delete
    5. Meg - Roy is off working out/running stairs/climbing mountains/doing chin-ups off the nearest major bridge.

      Delete
  3. Is MEG actually ZWR? Methinks not, wrong 3 lettered name. Roy may have even been at the batting cages, learning how to provide his own run support.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So, ZWR, if Roy is indeed off being the man and working out and such, then is he not part of the team? I think he is. He needs to be the voice of reason here. If nothing else, he needs to give them the Death Stare and say "How come we only win when I am pitching? What a bunch of donkeys! I am going to the Zoo to blow off some steam!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHAH MEG that's hilarious!

      Delete

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