Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A Thorough Pittsburgh Penguins Scouting Report

As you all know by now, in addition to running the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay I'm basically a hockey expert. Going back to the grade school days when I used to sprint to the get the most recent edition of Hockey Digest on "Library Fridays", through the moment of genius when my friends and I wrapped tin foil around a traffic barrel to make a Stanley Cup and marched outside the Society Hill Sheraton in an effort to keep the Detroit Red Wings awake all night prior to Game 1 of the 1997 Finals (totally worked, btw), to right now this very morning... I have been building a library of knowledge and experience to employ in the pursuit of dignified understanding of the game. 

With that, I called upon my good friends Danger Guerrero and Crane Kicker (also experts) to join me in putting together a comprehensive scouting report of the Flyers round one opponent, The Gary Bettman Penguins. Hope you like it!

Dan Bylsma: Finished reading A People’s History of the United States of America and immediately pulled his kids out of school. Called the principle “an unrepentant imperialist.”

Tony Granato: World-class board stander.

Evgeni Malkin:  Confuses Watch the Throne and Game of Thrones. Walks around the locker room rapping about dragons. What a tardface.

Mark-Andre Fleury: He has flowers painted onto his helmet. He is a professional hockey player. He has flowers painted onto his helmet.  

Matt Cooke: When he was 12 years old, Cooke was notorious in his neighborhood for being the kid who would pop the air pockets in people’s new Nikes. Inevitably the pop-ee would be like, “Dude you’re such an #%& why would you do that it’s not my fault your family’s poor and ugly and you wear Ponys,” to which young Matt would shrivel up his stupid face and laugh a pointless, miserable chuckle.

Pascal Dupuis: Asks if they can watch House Hunters on the team bus.

Tyler Kennedy: Doesn’t wipe off the seat of the exercise bike when he’s done using it.

Aaron Asham: Still uses aluminum trash cans at his home. Refuses to bring them back up to the house (despite walking past them) and lets the wind blow them down the street at all hours, waking his neighbors.

Chris Kunitz: Thinks it’s funny to remove the “i” from the nameplate on his sweater when hosting hockey camps for troubled inner-city youth.

Deryk Engelland: Lists “Edmontton, Albertta, Canadda” as his hometown.

Sidney Crosby: Was once kicked out of a Chuck E. Cheese for throwing a fit and accusing people of cheating at Whac-A-Mole. This happened last Saturday.

Kris Letang: Shouts, “Le-TANNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!” from the bench whenever someone hits the post.

Jordan Staal: When telling people where he is from, he uses the line “Thunder Bay, if you know what I mean...” but when they don’t know what he means he just starts naming all of his brothers.

Craig Adams: Orders at Chipotle in Spanish and genuinely thinks the employees appreciate it when he does so.  

James Neal: Asked the equipment manager to paint lightning bolts and turbo boosters onto his skates.

Richard Park: His name is Dick Park.

Joe Vitale: Leaves his shopping cart parallel to the meat container and right in front of the boneless skinless chicken breasts while he goes off to look for other items at the grocery store.

Dustin Jeffrey: Lists his favorite celebrity as Staind.

Brent Johnson: Giggles whenever the lady at KFC asks if he wants white meat or dark meat.

Zbynek Michalek: Has been banned from using an iPhone after getting into numerous public arguments with Siri over her attitude.

Zbynek Michalek (2): Gets all pissy when people call him “Spynet Mike n’ Ikes”.

Zbynek Michalek (3): “I get a step, he must get step!”

Joe Vitale (2): Once peed on his skate laces because he “wanted to have cool looking ones like Jagr has.”

Steve Sullivan: Never heard of him.

Ben Lovejoy: Does not see the humor in calling Emilio Bonifacio “Emilio Bonerface-io.” Considers it crass.

Paul Martin: You ever see a dog try to eat his own fart? He learned that by watching Paul Martin.

Brian Strait: Plays in a Brian Setzer cover band called “The Strait Cats,” and always suggests swing dancing lessons as a team building exercise.

Brooks Orpik: N/A. Suspended for intentional knee-on-knee hit in attempt to injure player from opposing team.

Eric Tangradi: Spoils TV shows on Facebook and Twitter like a total dingus, then tells people it’s their fault because they should have read the graphic novels.

Matt Niskanen: Drives down the shoulder of the highway during traffic jams, then when he realizes he has to get back in the right lane because the shoulder is ending, he forces his way in front of you in a way that essentially makes you choose between getting in an accident or letting him in, and when you decide to be the bigger person and let him in even though he’s being a goon, he does that super insufferable little smile and wave thing that makes you want to just rip him through the driver side window of his car and scream “THIS IS NOT HOW MEMBERS OF A SOCIETY BEHAVE! YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!” right into his big stupid face, potential jail time be damned.


  1. This is amazing. LET'S GO FLYERS

  2. "Sidney Crosby: Was once kicked out of a Chuck E. Cheese for throwing a fit and accusing people of cheating at Whac-A-Mole. This happened last Saturday." - I personally witnessed this from the ball pit

  3. pissed my fackin pants, bros

  4. Clicked the Pens logo - NICE!

  5. Why is Chrs offensive to inner city kids? Otherwise well done.

  6. malkin's locker has flypaper in it. it's stipulated in every other pens' contract.

  7. Ghost of LindberghApril 11, 2012 at 1:48 PM

    Sorry, that was beyond lame. As a Flyers fan, I am ashamed.

  8. I am a Pens fan and I found it quite funny!

    Should be a great series!

    Say Hi to Talbot for me.... miss him. he is a playoff freak!

  9. I wish you all the best of luck in this upcoming contest. May both teams enjoy the journey and come away richer for the experience.

  10. hey donkey. awesome face pitched today! where are your priorities?

  11. These are all amazing: my favorite? Sidney Crosby: Was once kicked out of a Chuck E. Cheese for throwing a fit and accusing people of cheating at Whac-A-Mole. This happened last Saturday. HAH! What a douche.


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