Thursday, May 31, 2012

An In-Depth Interview with Keith Law (@KeithLaw)

Keith Law is a straight up legit: he wrote for Baseball Prospectus back before nerd was cool, went to Harvard & Carnegie Mellon, worked in the Blue Jays front office, is currently employed by ESPN as their "lead baseball analyst for Scouts Inc." (you have to pay to read his articles!!), and he tweets about Icelandic rock bands. I'm pretty sure he'll be running some donkey team's scouting operations when the timing is right. Mr. Law is also notorious for being soulless and hating the Phillies, so I was pretty pumped when he agreed to sit down and discuss your 2012 Fightins in a hard-hitting exclusive.

(Yes, the real Keith Law. Yes, he actually answered these questions.)

Here's Your New Favorite Chooch GIF

Some guy with the presumed fake email last name of Chutley got drunk (his words, not mine) late last night and emailed me this animated .gif of Chooch. I think you'll agree it's probably the best and your new most favorite in a long line of amazing Chooch gifs. Man, it's really funny to say "Chooch gifs". CHOOCH GIFS.


See, I always knew Chooch was a superhero. Don't forget to Vote For Chooch.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

That's Not Chooch! The Carlos Ruiz Flash Card Game

The Carlos Ruiz Childrens Flash Card Game
The other day I received an awesome email from ZWR enthusiast Zach, of recent bolg engagement fame. I'll let him take it from here:
Amanda and I were watching a Phillies game last week and she noticed that Chooch wasn't playing, she brought this to my attention by stating with enthusiasm, "That's not Chooch!"  I thought this was the funniest thing, so I decided to make Chooch cards, designed to help children differentiate between what is and what is not Chooch.  Check out these Chooch cards!
The concept alone proposed by Zach made me laugh (imagining toddlers pointing at flash cards and saying, "CHOOCH!" is hilarious and adorable), but when accompanied by the photos he attached, I knew Zach was a genius:

More after the jump!

Some Reasons for Optimism Concerning Yesterday's Sad News

For illustrative purposes only. Roy's are actually much more ripped than this
Obviously, finding out that Roy is going to miss 6-8 weeks (my guess, twenty three days*) with a strained lat isn't ideal ... but it's not the end of the world, either.

Let's review the positives here:
  • Nothing's torn or ruptured.
  • No surgery, girl.
  • This may help solidify Cole Hamels' long term future as a Phillies.
  • Philadelphia is sure to become the world-leader in physical therapy and recuperative treatments, as its practitioners are about to embark on a journey/experience unlike any they could have prepared for.
  • Donkey baseball writers and amateur pitching experts everywhere can pat themselves on the back and tell everyone I Told You So for the rest of the season. Wait, that's not a positive. Nevermind.
  • Roy will soon become the first person to ever read Thomas Mann's The Magic Mountain in one sitting on a stationary bike. Upon finishing, he'll make startling insights on the author's interpretation of time.
  • Hundreds of years from now, "Roy's Lat" will have taken the place of "Achilles Heel" in popular mythology. In the new version, the "weakness" heals itself in record time and becomes indestructible immediately before Roy saves the earth from catclysmic asteroid impact.  
* Three weeks of rest and four complete game (shutout) tune-up starts in the minors over a two day span.

Monday, May 28, 2012

A Brief Memorial Day SRHPY (5.27.12)

Okay kids, there are cheeseburgers to be eaten and sunburn to get, so let's answer the pressing questions that have been coming my way:

"Is ZWR okay?"
Yup. Panic helps no one.

"Are you going to change your bolg's name to (something about doctors)?"

"Are you going to change your bolg's name to (something about Roy Halladay's rehab from a shoulder transplant)?"
No, donkey.

"Are you going to change your bolg's name to I Want to Go to the Zoo with (another player)?"
No, donkey. Srsly.

"What if Roy's too hurt to pitch this year then what? What are you going to do?!?!"
I'm going to break faces and (Ready? It's important that we all understand this... it's the key part here) keep wanting to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay.

Yes, this stinks. All we can really do though is keep our chins up and hope for the best- for Roy and the Fightins. He's a super-warrior assassin type, so if it's something that can be beaten for a return this season then he'll do just that. If it requires (gasp) something more, then imagine how insane he's going to be with a new cyborg shoulder!

Chins up.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Talk About A Runnin' Redbird (St. Louis Streaker Photoshops)

I've gotta give this guy credit, the Hakuna Matata tattoo is pretty hilarious and he resisted the urge to wear gimmicky headgear. That said, shoes would have provided much better traction.

Prepare for Photoshops, because, well, it's the Friday of a long Halladay weekend and I'm feeling pretty chipper and I want to give the peoples a little more than "ohey some bald fit dude ran across the field nekkid last night here's a screengrab".

Nice form

Dead heat, yo

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Worst Bobble Head in History Concerns Roy Halladay

Hey, do you want to own a Roy Halladay bobble head where his body is positioned such that he's throwing like a right-handed pitcher only his arms are switched around so that his glove is on his right hand and the ball is in his left (kind of like he was about to toss it like a frisbee, to second base)? Also, do you want the bobble head's face to resemble Billy Bob Thornton with a terrible line beard and even terribler gigantic, fake teeth more than it does the actual Roy Halladay?

If so, then MAN do I have the perfect link for you! Shady, licensing-ignoring Chinese toy manufacturer? Nope. This one's available directly from MLB, baby.

Thanks to Marc for bringing this complete and utter debacle to my attention.

Some people call it a cutter I call it a sling blade mmmm hmmm

/buys a dozen anyway

Special Moment - AI Returns!!!

This was a way better idea than that time they actually let him back onto the court to play and were all, "oh, huh". Kudos to the Sixers for churning out another ugly (beautiful) win in front of their awful, fake, bandwagon fans. Go get 'em on Saturday!

Click for bigness, yo. Credit: Solecollector (not "Soul") DOT com

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

This Week in Philadelphia Fans

Eight people wounded by gun shots after National Basketball Association playoff game.
The link

Man pulled from car and beaten in front of pregnant girlfriend.
The link

Security guard has portion of finger ripped off during fan altercation (Zoinks!)
The link

Female fan spit on and assaulted!
The link

Drunk, unruly visitor incites incident and then lies to security & media!
The link

Union fans hault game with barrage of tennis balls, toilet paper and tomatoes.
The link

Philadelphia assemblymen water down proposed California fan violence legislation...
The link

Punch yourself in the face with a face-punching gun

Monday, May 21, 2012

Vote For Chooch: The Movie

Some guy named Gordon--who may or may not also be Philadelphia's representative in the "MLB Fan Cave"-- just emailed this to me. I think it's pretty cool! It answers the age-old question, "What if Carlos Ruiz was a runaway cinematic locomotive hellbent on destroying everything in its path, including Harry Potter?"

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Coincidence? I think Not.

This past Friday Pat Burrell, via Danger Guerrero, on this here very bolg, offered the following sage advice to young Freddy Galvis:
Freddy Galvis: No, eberyone is breaking my house, ann no one lisson to me, ann Shase is coming back soon ann he's going to take my spot on de baseball team. 
Pat Burrell; You're on the baseball team? What are you, a freshman? Nice work. 
Freddy Galvis: Well, yeah...   
Pat Burrell: You hittin dingers?
Freddy Galvis: I hab one deenger.
Pat Burrell: Just one?
Freddy Galvis: I'ng good at fielding. 
Pat Burrell: Jesus Christ. [sits down next to Freddy] Listen, I know fielding is important to Mexicans like you and Chooch...
Freddy Galvis: I'ng Venezuelan. Chooch es frong Panama.
Pat Burrell: Whatever. Pay attention. It's all about hittin' dingers. 
Since then, this has happened:

The power of this bolg knows no bounds. Let's everyone thank Danger (by buying ZWR shirts or sending him Goonies screengrabs)!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Phils v. Red Sox Incident Report

Officers were dispatched to the scene of reported incident--Ashburn Alley at Citizens Bank Park, near Planet Hoagie--upon report from stadium security of an altercation between two large groups of males. 

Male 1, from group A summarized the encounter as follows: 
"So me and Sully and Mac and Timmy were getting a round of  Sams and we hear Mickey yell something from the hot dog line and we look over and Ryan and Sean and Connor and Patrick and Shawny and Sweeney and Seamus and 'Boots' and Timmy M. are fighting a bunch of dago guinea WOPs"
Male 2, from group B, in a separate statement claims:
"Me and 'Two-Phones' and Al were standing there minding our own f***in business when Tina sprints over and straight jaws some kid and then all of a sudden Nicky and Colangelo and Vinny Cannoli and the Santo brothers and Donger and T-Bird and Ant'ny and Tony and Anthony and Franky jump in and it blew up."
Three males were offered first aid treatment on the scene by ballpark security, but refused and fled the scene.

It was indicated by both parties that the source of altercation was a dispute over the alleged superiority of group A male 3's "Mitchell & Ness Bird / Sharktooth C's Snapback" combination or group B male 4's "Powder blue Bo Diaz with maroon Nike Dunks."

Witnesses in the vicinity were questioned thoroughly, but no accurate third-party report of the incident could be ascertained. Most witnesses appeared to be heavily intoxicated and/or refused to provide information. The most frequent reason given for the latter was the desire on behalf of the witnesses to "not wanting to be no snitch" or "I ain't no snitch." One witness was willing to go on record, however it was only to report "the smell of burnt bacon in the air"--an observation that was immaterial to Ashburn Alley investigation.

ZWR in the Wild Goes to Waikiki Beach

Here's ZWR and island enthusiast Jen showing off a design from the vintage Fall/Winter 2010 collection while frolicking about Waikiki Beach (that's in Hawaii):

Shane, what do you think?

Concur, Shane. Concur. And mahalo, Jen!

Public Notice!
Don't forget that all ZWR casual, beach and formal attire is 15% off if you spend $30 or more. All youse have to do is enter the code "VOTEFORCHOOCH" at checkout. Really. It's that easy.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Phillies High: Freddy Throws A Party

[Scene: In the kitchen of Freddy Galvis’s house. The freshman’s parents have gone away for the weekend, and he has decided to throw a party. Things are quickly getting out of hand.]  

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (5.17.12 v the Cubs (incl. FACE-BREAKING Photoshop))

Me and Danger Guerrero

HAHAHAHA dude it's the best when the Phillies win, and last night was number five in a row. It's even better when Roy Halladay's on the hill straight mowing dorks down like my neighbor's kid (who I offered a beer to the other day upon his cuttering my grass only to have him be all, "I'm only 16" and then I was all, "Ayden, that was a test- and you just failed").

AP Photo, taken with melt-proof lens

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Matt Garza Blows Up Earth (.gif)

Yeah, I don't really know either. But I just made it and I think it's pretty spectacular.

Matt Garza Blows Up Earth

Spotted--No Rest for the Weary

ZWR sources in Chicago spotted the following and dutifully captured it with their kameras for submittal to the bolg. Donkey Nation + Roy- I'm the man who loves you! You rule (pot kettle black). No worries, they were able to quickly move on to their reservations, and weren't impelled to watch HLHIII's entire work-out, which surely would have left them scrounging for some after-hours dive in the poor places (last night).

Jesus, etc.

As Last Night Reminded Us: #VOTEFORCHOOCH

Seriously donkeyface, have you voted for Chooch yet? All he did last night was hit a game-winning bomb and score eleventeen runs and get on base constantly and guide KYLE RODNEY KENDRICK (the real fifth starter don't even hate) to a startling three hit performance.

Yeah, that's right- stare in amazement at THE CHOOCH. Getty Images

Monday, May 14, 2012

ZWR Exclusive: Sixers vs. Celtics Game 2 Recap

See, the sad thing about a guy like you is, in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're going to come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life: one, don't do that, and two, you dropped 150 grand on a farglin' education you could have got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the Temple library!

Happy Birthday, Roy

Great men inspire others, strengthen a union, and lead by example. It is unquestioned that HLHIII is a commander-in-chief to his teammates. On this, the occasion of his 35th birthday, heading into the Fall of 2012, we take a moment to consider that which is likely on many minds: is there anyone that Roy could help more than just the Phillies?

Also, be sure to like my pal's new Facebook page, devoted 100% towards the goal of getting Chooch into the All-Star game. Like, seriously. Vote 20 times a day or whatever.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

This Week in Chooch GIFs

Hey gang! It's time once again for another edition of "THIS WEEK IN CHOOCH GIFs," brought to you by

ZWR enthusiast and professional meteorologist Steve sent in the following variation of a ZWR user-submitted classic.

LOL, I'll bet the ice cream is TURK-ey Hill:

Did you see Chooch's homeruns this year? Chooch has been hitting homeruns!

Oh, hello All-Star ballot, I didn't see you there: 

Chooch SWAG

Friday, May 11, 2012

The 2012 Phillies As Your Company's Softball Team

Editor's Note: Two years ago I wrote a post comparing the 2010 Phillies to your Company’s Softball Team. Looking back, there has been so much roster turnover that I figured it was time for an update. I hope you enjoy...

The 2012 Phillies as Your Company's Softball Team - A Definitive Guide

Those of you who've played rec or work league softball can attest to the myriad of characters one comes across when donning the $45 cleats purchased at Modell's the night before your first game because you forgot all about it and mesh cap. It's often a spectacle--as much sociology experiment as athletic endeavor.

Below, in all of its glory, is an updated version of what you get when I briefly observe/examine those folks in tangential relation to our hometown (currently sub-.500) heroes.

/foul pop out to first baseman

Laynce Nix
Nix came down to your office from corporate in the Spring, and the moment you saw him you knew this guy was going to do some damage. I mean, just look at him! He has muscles coming out of the muscles in his ears. Then the first informal team practice came, and he showed up in a sleeveless t-shirt and you thought to yourself, “Dude, I don’t even know if the league is going to let this guy play for us!” 

He stepped into the box- everyone backed up to the warning track- a sense of anticipation took over the field. First pitch: weak pop-up. He just got under one, no worries, bro’s trying to go yard. Next pitch: fouls it back. He's just excited, no big deal. Next pitch: weak grounder to second. Huh. Next pitch: can of corn to left field that falls in front of the donkeys shagging flies. Slowly, it sets in. Your hopes don’t sink, but the sails have significantly less wind in them. Once he gets to the dugout, he jams a wad of chew into his mouth and talks about picking up babes at B-Dubs afterward.

Pete Orr
“You guys play some ball down here, eh,” he asked in a polite but confident tone at the first meeting in the break room. “I used to play a little ball too yeah when I was in University. I think down here you call it shortstop?” He had a weird accent and you couldn’t understand why he wore two white batting gloves in the field during your first practice, but you figured he at least had SOME skills. So when you saw him draw a leadoff walk in your first scrimmage and go from first to home in less 9 seconds, you figured you had discovered a true gem. 

Sadly though, the regular season came and Orr was as spastic in the infield as that Brown kid you had last year was in the outfield. Routine grounders to shortstop became doubles. Doubles became homers, and infield dribblers became triples. This guy is a total spaz. Has absolutely no idea what he’s doing playing infield and every throw he makes is a total adventure. By the time he failed to tag up from third on that short fly ball to left and got doubled off while representing the tying run, you knew you had made a terrible mistake.

Jonathan Papelbon

With all due respect, he’s the reason they never wanted to allow alpha male BMW-driving-tight-pants-wearing smarmy sales guys onto the team. Despite easily being one of the best players on the Gators, this guy is so grating a personality that even as you’re cheering him on for getting a huge hit or making a running catch in the gap you’re half thinking to yourself, “that dude’s just a straight up tool bag.” Then you kind of feel bad for having that opinion without ever really getting to know him, for judging a book by the cover if you will, and consider that perhaps you’re the bad person here …until he pulls his dong out in the dugout and pretends to feed it a piece of Bazooka Joe and you’re all, “oh, yeah, I totally nailed it the first time.” 

Mör Sigbjörn Wertzjörg!

Hahahahahaha remember when ZWR enthusiast Mickey tipped us off that Wertzy-pooh may secretly be an Icelandic Supermodel and we were all, "zOMG yes please?" Of course you do, it was like three days ago.

At any rate, he found another outdoor ad in Reykjavik and it's even better than the first one! Checka checka checka check-a check it:

Srsly this cracks me up to no end. Looking goooood.

PHOTO SET: Chase Utley Looking Dreamy (and Walking!)

ZWR Staff Photographer @pompomflipflop was at last night's Utley Foundation All Star Casino Night. Below are some of the awesomeface pictures she took. I'm no doctor, but I have to think the fact that Chase can walk is a good sign and means he'll be saving our offense soon? At any rate, enjoy!

casino night sign outside electric factory
utley walks down the red carpet
zOMG he can walk again!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

%$#$*%$(@*$#_)@_!*@# (A Post About Kyle Kendrick)

/points wrong direction, blows up own team
0 - 3
7.32 ERA
2.034 WHIP
19.2 IP
31 H
9 BB
16 ER
2012: $3,000,000
2013: $4,500,000

And now for advanced statistical analysis:

Click for full size; analysis this deep demands closer inspection

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Charlie and the gang plan a trip to see "The Avengers"


Alright guys like well you know like everyone get together and get ready, we goin' to the theater to you know like what I like to call catch a flick



Good Grief

Jayson Werth May Secretly Be an Icelandic Supermodel

(I know you're all hurting after last night, I am too. But those games- those endings- are character building. Let's fight through it, in good part with laughter. With that in mind...)

ZWR enthusiast Mickey may have just stumbled upon something while on vacation. Here, I'll let him explain...
Hello ZWR! I love your bolg! 
I am attaching an Icelandic advertisement that is on one of the main streets here in Reykjavik, where I am on vacation (no, really.) Check out how much this guy looks like Wertz! (There is another poster somewhere else in town, I might get a pic of that one too.)
You ready for this? Because it's going to blow your mind.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

This Poor Lady Can't Believe It

And the Phillies are making the call to the bullpen. Looks like 
Chad Qualls will be coming in to try and get the Fightins out of this seventh inning.

He'll be facing David Wright

Heyyyyy, wait a minute... Ahh, that's better:

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