[Scene: In the kitchen of Freddy Galvis’s house. The freshman’s parents have gone away for the weekend, and he has decided to throw a party. Things are quickly getting out of hand.]
Freddy Galvis: [grabbing a vase out of an anonymous partier’s hands] No no, poot de base down. Ees esspenive! Whass de matter with joo people?!
Jimmy Rollins: Relax Freddy, this is just how we do. We roll hard, you know? Your parents are cool, they won’t mind.
Freddy Galvis: NO! MY PARENSS ARE GOING TO KEEL ME.
Jimmy Rollins: Nah, it’ll be cool, man. We’ll totally help you clean up. Whoawhoahoa, watch it. You almost got Sprite on the Louis! That stuff’s corrosive.
Freddy Galvis: Dee Loo-ee?
Jimmy Rollins: [sighs] The Louis Vuitton, playboy. The coat. I bought this to match the shoes to match the hat to match the glasses to match the car interior to match the drawers to match my whole aura. I’m all swag from head to toe at all times. For the honeys. You could learn a little something from me, youngin’.
[The Peffercorn twins, Mandy and Candy, enter. All male heads snap towards the door except Jimmy’s, who is too deep in explaining swag to young Freddy to notice. Freddy is no longer paying attention. He is staring longingly at Mandy Peffercorn.]
Jimmy Rollins: … you see, that’s the key. Watches. LOTS OF WATCHES. A watch for every day of the week, and more watches for special occasions. Then, just when they think they’ve seen all your watches … BOOM, even more watches. With BIG FACES. Sometimes I wear four or five watches at a time…
Freddy Galvis: [still daydreaming about Mandy Peffercorn, heart fluttering]
Shane Victorino: [enters kitchen singing] HeyIJustMetYouAndThisisCrazyButHere’sMyNumberSoCallMeMaybe. AndAllTheOtherBoysTryToChaaaaaaaaaseMeButHere’sMyHeyFreddyDoYouHaveAnyButter?
Freddy Galvis: Why do joo wann bodder?
Shane Victorino: MeAndHunterHaveAnIdeaButI’mNotSupposedToTellAnyoneWe’reGoingToGoSleddingDownTheStairs!
Freddy Galvis: WHA? Joo can no go sledding down de stairs!
Shane Victorino: YeahIKnowThey’reNotSlippyEnoughToSledOnThat’sWhyWeNeedTheButter. HeyHereItIsNevermindThanksFreddyIt’sHardToLookRightAtYouBaaaaaaaaaaby. ButHere’sMyNumberSoCallMeMaybe… [rushes out of kitchen carrying butter]
Freddy Galvis: THIS EES A DEESAASSTOR! Joo guys are ruining my house!
Jimmy Rollins: Come on, baby. Relax. You’re rollin’ with the big boys now. Besides, it’s just a little butter.
[Front door slams, everyone in living room cheers]
Jonathan Papelbon: YOU BROSKIS ORDER SOME BEERSKIS?
Jimmy Rollins: Oh snap, the kegs are here!
Freddy Galvis: What? Kaigs?!
Jimmy Rollins: Yeah, this party is about to get CRAY.
Freddy Galvis: No! No cray! Cray es malo!
[Carlos Ruiz, Cliff Lee, and Jonathan Papelbon enter the kitchen with two kegs and bags of ice]
Jonathan Papelbon: Yo yo yo, PAPEL-BRO COMES THROUGH AGAIN. Hey, where are Chase and Roy? I though they were coming.
Jimmy Rollins: I swung by the crib to pick them up, but they said they have plans. Something about Chase fielding grounders all night while Roy stares at his knees until they heal themselves out of fear.
Jonathan Papelbon: Whatever. HEY, did you bros see the Peffercorn twins tonight? Those dresses look painted on. They want it. They want it BAD.
Carlos Ruiz: [cupping hands in front of chest] Si. Ba-ba-boom.
Jimmy Rollins: Oh, Mandy and Candy are here? Time to accessorize. Or should I say, "accSWAGerize." [pulls three watches out of pocket, puts them all on]
Cliff Lee: [chews gum]
Freddy Galvis: CHOOCH. What are joo doing? I thought we were friends!
Chooch: Ees OK, Freddy. Ees no that much beer. We'll help joo clean.
Freddy Galvis: No, no the beer. Well, yes de beer, but ... De OTHER theeng. [whispers] De Mandy theeng.
Jimmy Rollins: Uh oh, young buck's got a crush.
Freddy Galvis: [embarrassed] No, I donn have a crush.
Carlos Ruiz: Chure joo do. Joo tell me yesserday that Mandy is de prettiess and sweetess girl joo eber meet.
Freddy Galvis: SHUT UP, CHOOCH.
Jonathan Papelbon: Bro, that girl's like the town bicycle. Everyone's boned her.
Cliff Lee: [chews gum knowingly]
Jonathan Papelbon: All right, let's tap these kegs. All my old brosephs from Red Sox High will be here soon and those dudes LOVE to party.
Freddy Galvis: WHAT? MORE PEOPLE? Joo guys say thees was going to be a small party?!
Jimmy Rollins: How many times do we have to tell you, playboy? It's under control. Don't worry.
Shane Victorino and Hunter Pence: [from upstairs] GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[A loud crash is heard in the living room followed by raucous laughter]
Freddy Galvis: What was that?!
Shane Victorino: [enters kitchen holding the house's front door] HeyFreddyHunterAndIWereGoingReallyFastAndWeCouldn'tStopSoNowThisIsBroken. ItWasFunYouShouldTryItNowYouCanSledAllTheWayToTheYard.
Jimmy Rollins: CLASSIC!
Freddy Galvis: THEES IS DE WORSS NIGHT EBER! JOO GUYS ARE JORKS!
[Freddy sulks. He walks out of the party and plops into a lawn chair in his backyard. He stays there, alone, for almost 10 minutes, until a tall muscular figure wearing a tattered letterman’s jacket approaches carrying a six-pack of beer. The mysterious figure sees Freddy and speaks.]
Pat Burrell: What’s up your a$$, Chooch? I thought this was supposed to be a party.
Freddy Galvis: I’ng not Chooch. I’ng Freddy. Who are joo?
Pat Burrell: I'm Pat Burrell.
Freddy Galvis: Pat de Bat?
Pat Burrell: You got it, Fredo.
Freddy Galvis: Wow. Joo are a legenn. What are joo doing at my party?
Pat Burrell: I came back for some award bullsh-t and that p*ssy Hamels told me this was gonna be a rager. It looks like a sick party. What are you so mopey about?
Freddy Galvis: [sighs] I'ng just trying to fit in ann get de cool kids to like me ann now eberything is terrible.
Pat Burrell: What do you mean, "Eberything is terrible"? We got beer, bros, babes ... it's all good.
Freddy Galvis: No, eberyone is breaking my house, ann no one lisson to me, ann Shase is coming back soon ann he's going to take my spot on de baseball team.
Pat Burrell; You're on the baseball team? What are you, a freshman? Nice work.
Freddy Galvis: Well, yeah...
Pat Burrell: You hittin dingers?
Freddy Galvis: I hab one deenger.
Pat Burrell: Just one?
Freddy Galvis: I'ng good at fielding.
Pat Burrell: Jesus Christ. [sits down next to Freddy] Listen, I know fielding is important to Mexicans like you and Chooch...
Freddy Galvis: I'ng Venezuelan. Chooch es frong Panama.
Pat Burrell: Whatever. Pay attention. It's all about hittin' dingers. That's how you get your hangdown sticky, bro. You are gettin girls, right?
Freddy Galvis: Not really. I mean, uh, there is one girl... Mandy Peffercorn...
Pat Burrell: Peffercorn? Brandy's little sister? One of the twins?
Freddy Galvis: I guess.
Pat Burrell: Oh MAN, bro. Brandy Peffercorn. That brings back some memories. I took her to the prom junior year. We f-cked twice in the limo on the way over, then she gave me a handy under the table during dinner. She was the one that got away, man.
Freddy Galvis: What happon?
Pat Burrell: We got in a big fight after the prom. She was all "I can't believe you f-cked my mom in my bed blah blah blah." Typical girl stuff.
Freddy Galvis: JOO SLEEP WITH HER MOM?
Pat Burrell: Dude. Sandy Peffercorn is a tiger. You don't say no to her. Now what's the problem here? You like Mandy but she won't put out?
Freddy Galvis: No, ees juss ... I like her. Like, a lot. Chee's so pretty and nice, but chee's always ronning arounn with de older guys ann chee neber pay attention to me.
Pat Burrell: All right, muchacho. Buckle in. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I'm gonna impart a little Pat the Bat wisdom on you. Cut the sadsack sh-t. You think girls respond to this "Oh waa I like you oh waa look at me" crap? No way. You walk into the room and act like you've got a two-foot c-ck and if anyone has a problem with it you'll wrap it around their neck and choke them out with it. Own sh-t. You're a star. Hit the gym, hit some dingers, hit some a$$. That's how you do it. You feel me?
Freddy Galvis: Wow, thanks Pat de Bat. I can do that!
Pat Burrell: [pats Freddy on the back] Good talk. See you inside.
Freddy Galvis: Hey wait, where are joo going? I hab more questions!
Pat Burrell: Dude, where do you think I'm going? I'm gonna go f-ck Mandy and Candy Peffercorn. I've never pulled off a family sweep before. Bucket list, kid.
Freddy Galvis: But ... but ... but ... my Mandy ...
Pat Burrell: [no longer listening] Later, bro.
[Cut to the next morning. Freddy Galvis is cleaning up the house by himself. All of the older kids have bailed on him. He opens the door to his parents' bedroom.]