Thursday, May 3, 2012

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (05.02.12 v the Braves)



Holy butt. I mean, like, for real--holiest. of. butts. I never saw that coming. This post is likely going to morph into a frantic game recap because last night was a Combo made with awesome and terrible rather than delicious pretzel and cheddar cheese filling.

The Phils jumped out to a 6-0 lead (wait what because that is hilarious because it literally hasn't ever happened since 2008 or something).

Roy Halladay finally gets some run support!

HLHIII is cruising along and we get to the fifth inning and all of a sudden he starts to look like this:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY GET HIM A BOTTLE OF BLUE POWERADE!!!

Heat Stroke Roy is battling, but something's wrong. It's slightly evidenced by the fact that he sweats off three pounds during the Eric Hinske at bat and his face looks like a strawberry. Braves score two... but it's still a four run game. Then the face-palmiest of face-palmy writers on the beat blasts this:

FFS, Lawrence

Fargle Bargle. Grand slam. What followed on Twitter was a spectacular sh*t show of people jumping off bridges and or being mean to each other, and what followed in the game was more runs for Atlanta (to the delight of their 13,000 floppy-haired and pastel polo wearing donkey fans).

No seriously every Braves fan looks like this I'm not even at all being irrational
Great, so now we're losing 8-6 and every single Phillies fan on earth is engaged in an argument as to whether Doc Halladay is going to die from heat exhaustion (seriously, get him a Powerade!) or because he suddenly this month turned into an untenable corpse-in-process (you people will get yours, btw) that can't throw over 72 MPH. And our offense does indeed stink (right?) so this can't be recovered may as well turn on the Caps/Rangers.

Credit: My phone, my TV, BLOGGIF.biz/net

Then mother humpin working class baller hero CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH gets 6 RBI in two innings and we're winning 12-8. Life is good again. Roy isn't taking an L! This is gonna turn everything around!

Suddenly:

Dios mio
Jimmy Rollins drops a dead double play ball.

"My swag is in permanent storage behind this $17,000 fine Italian silk curtain"
 Then:

Oy vey
Blurgh. Fast-forward: ninth inning. Down 13-12. Kimbrel is in for the Braves. What to do?

BALL. SO. SMALL.

Yup, the baseball gods troll everyone. JP Beast Mode gets on, steals, moves over on a grounder, and then scores on an infield single by SHANE VICTORINO OMG I HIT IT UP THE MIDDLE HE HAS TO RANGE FAR TO HIS LEFT I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN HAHAHAHAHA OMG I BEAT IT OUT WE'RE TIED. 

ANOTHER comeback. Free baseball!

Ohai
blah blah blah we lose 15 - 13 and then Chad Durbin's recruiting service thingy yells at me and tells me he's not running a pyramid scheme, PERHAPS protesting too much in the process (I kid, I'm sure those kids are getting their $99 worth):

Oh
Thanks, company-that-TOTALLY-GETS-social-media

Phillies hat current Indian winning pitcher of record for the Braves

11 comments:

  1. I couldn't tell last night but based on that picture I'm reasonably certain Sanches is a ghost

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  2. SOMEBODY GET ROY A BLUE POWERADE!!!

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  3. ZOMG WE SCORED 13 FARGLE BARGLING RUNS!!

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  4. Wait, now the website says Durbs is a Phillies...

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  5. Something is wrong with halladay

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  6. I'm gonna have to yell SOMEBODY GET ROY A BLUE POWERADE at the next Phils game I go to that he's pitching in.

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  7. With Blanton's performance today, I can't help but think there may have been some Cage/Travolta Face/Off experiment going on with Roy and Joe...

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  8. STOP COMMENTING AND GET ROY SOME BLUE POWERADE

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  9. Wow. This post made me smile!

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  10. Doc may need an appointment with a doctor.

    ReplyDelete

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