Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Comprehensive Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

Yeah whatever, I'm not embarrassed. On occasion (which may or may not be basically every Monday night) I watch and further my expertise in The Bachelor(ette).

"Srsly Rick?"

Hey, I could be a stereotype right now and sheepishly kid that Nag makes me or cheese it up with the "happy wife happy life" banalities, but you dorks deserve better. The truth is that the show- despite being everything that's wrong with life and America and the human condition- is quite captivating in a totally non-captivating, shallowly addictive sense. Oh good lord I've over-explained things again. Pretend that didn't happen. Or did, but better. Just read on.

A little to your right

Huh. No offense intended, Croatia, but color me surprised by this pick. Maybe it's my American ignorance or tendency to clump all of Eastern Europe (Croatia's in Eastern Europe, right?) into a listless gray block of billionty-year-old castles and frightening people and stray cats ... but a dope beach would totally be better. Well at least there won't be shameless hot body scenes for a half hour while I sit on the couch eating Fruity Pebbles.

Yup- kilts and sleeveless shirts

Oh FFS cool, thanks. Right after this a Magic Mike commercial came on and the Nag left the room for 25 minutes. More Bachelorette for me!!!

What Happened
+500 Points to Arie for his super-aggressive, grabbing a rebound with both hands and elbows up macho kiss. I think he ate Emily's brain.

+325 Points to the sketchy dude with the weird beard for his blue shoes, and for cracking me up, and for almost talking Emily back into keeping him despite the fact that a future together would likely include his trying to bone her mom and sell the house while she was at work and mow his name into the lawn as a joke a second time where the joke itself is that he did it a second time while recognizing it wasn't very funny the first and all kinds of just shady, odd things that get less cute and more sad as you age ... all of which was clear as day to everyone and in no way obscured.

+900000 Points to that shirt.

-200 Points to the dude who looks like Beaker for getting clobbered in every competition (wait why was there a Scottish thingy in Croatia?) and then puffing out his already-proven-meager chest upon receipt of the pity rose. Didn't you see Lucas? She's not your real girlfriend.

Photo Credit: Pop Tower (yeah, that's right) / MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP

-17 Points to the other dude that got eliminated I don't even remember who you were.

+200 Points to The Wolf (not using that name well enough, bro) for waiting until the last possible moment to pull out the dead relatives card. Literally. Doing so scored you a free trip to ... Croatia (no offense, Croatia).

-350 Points to Doug for being a sissy I expected better.

+Infinity points to mortality for ensuring that an existence where three men can sit in a hotel room together with the hoods on their designer, lightweight sweatshirts delicately feathered up and over the back halves of their heads such that their styled locks still show can't last in perpetuity.

-150 Points to Arie for his corny "I have your back" moment. PFFFFFFFFT

I have no opinion on the whole rose ceremony thing where she gave sissy Doug and Wolf Wolf roses. I do have an opinion on Chris Harrison. He has the single greatest job on Earth. He does nothing but travel the world with these morons getting paid major network coin to officiate this competition only, it seems, there aren't even any rules.

"Wait what you don't want to eliminate anyone tonight? Yeah sure do whatever toots I'm looking up bars in Fiji with this cute little intern. Her name's Krysta with a KY." Think about it. They get to wherever they're going, he's all, "Oh hey we're in Bermuda big week of dates ahead everyone have fun and good luck", then a week later he pops in and is all, "Gentlemen, this is the last rose", AND now he has no apparent duty to see to the integrity of the whole affair! Kudos to you, sir.

Okay, I think that's it.

To the Phillies
Please win tonight.


  1. Is it just me or does Doug kinda sorta look like Cliff Lee?

    Nag wants to know...not me. OK, I want to know.

  2. Ryan was disgusting ... but still kind of hilarious? I'm conflicted.

  3. Didn't you see Lucas? She's not your real girlfriend.

  4. -Eleventy points for none of them being able to flip a caber that wasn't even big enough for ladies' competition.

  5. Dude Sean broke his log!


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