Friday, June 15, 2012

The Philadelphia Phillies As Classic Video Game Characters

Man I love doing these

Carlos Ruiz is Yoshi
This lovable stalwart is a fiercely loyal and sometimes overlooked member of the team. Chooch is unquestionably there to support others and doesn't mind carrying people if need be. Oh and he eats (other) reptiles. 

Backpack dog, the gif that keeps on giffing
Cole Hamels is Link from Zelda
He looks a little too pretty and un-intimidating, but this protagonist really does have awesome super-powers.

“Should of picked Metroid... because he’s actually a girl!” -- Future tweet from @FanSince09

Hunter Pence is Invincibility Star Mario

Totally effective when under control, but more often than not totally out of it and sometimes dangerous to himself and those around him.


Kyle Kendrick is the Princess Peach from Super Mario 2
Completely useless character whose main (only) talent is his ability “float” pitches right over the heart of the plate. Given a million chances to play the game, you’d never pick either of them.


Placido Polanco is Dig Dug
He is slow (but never walks), wields his weapon like a professional, is good in the field … and has a giant head. (BOOM)

Shane Victorino is Pac-Man
Literally never stops running his mouth, or moving, and may or may not need to constantly consume pills to survive. He’s yet to see a pretzel float across the sky without immediately chasing after it, come what may.

Jonathan Papelbon is Bayou Billy from The Adventures of Bayou Billy
An obscure choice, but it’s all there: the accent, the charisma, the crazy. Maybe it’s just me, but I could totally see Papelbon fighting alligators with a stick and owning a Jeep with a machine gun attached. My recollection of this game also that I didn’t really play it that much.

Juan Pierre is the Skinny Guy from Ice Hockey
His helmet doesn't fit, he's comically tiny, and, while acknowledging the assets inherent in his speed, you're not sure if it makes up for his inability to take a simple wrist shot.

Jim Thome is Tanooki Suit Mario
An already incredibly talented, iconic figure, made even more lovable and heroic by a warm, huggable exterior.

Joe Blanton is King Hippo

MOP MOP. MOP MOP MOP. MOP. Knock him down once and he won’t be able to get back up. But before you think I’m just making a fat joke, hear me out. King Hippo, like Blanton, was capable of providing dominating moments (god forbid you miss that first block). But once you learned his pattern, it was typically game over for the Lord of Hippo Island. 

Ruben Amaro is Donkey Kong
The literal and figurative 800 pound gorilla in the room, no matter what room he’s in. Like Donkey Kong’s barrels, Amaro has nearly unlimited currency to work with, and throw it at/in your face. And while Ruben is Type-A alpha primate all the way, he’s not without his recognizable patterns (signing old guys to long contracts) that ultimately prove as his fatal flaw. Chances are he probably stole your girlfriend at some point.

8-bit swag
Jimmy Rollins is Sonic the Hedgehog
Previously the fastest, most pimpinest kids on their respective blocks, both Jimmy and Sonic have lost their swag since obtaining gold ring(s).


Freddy Galvis is Star Man
Fans don't know how old he is or where he came from, but they certainly are amazed by his high-flying acrobatics and exhilarating agility. Also prone to back-breakers :-(

Cliff Lee is Ryu from Ninja Gaiden
Seemingly devoid of emotion, he is a relentless, systematic killer of men. There’s little-to-no reaction when the deed is done which, actually, is more intimidating than the alternative. Neither has won a major league baseball game this season. Whatever.

Roy Halladay is Mega Man
This cyborg legend was designed specifically to conquer all and any enemies he would ever encounter. An epic hero whose impact is sure to last generations (if not longer), it’s no irony that his primary implement of destruction is the cannon found where a human arm normally resides.


  1. Brilliant! I always kicked the crap out of Super Mario 2 with Peach though. Floated over all their asses.

  2. clap! clap! clap! clap! well done

  3. Star man was the greatest wrestling character ever.

  4. AGREED-- Princess Peach was da shizznit in SMB2.
    I beat the piss out of that game with her... and Luigi (once you got used to his weird jumping, it was actually pretty cool.)


  5. Then when Megaman beat Cutman he gained Cutter ability

  6. So rolling cuttered.

  7. With Chad Qualls as Glass Joe!

  8. Juan Pierre as Skinny "Ice Hockey" comp ever! I usually went with Team Finland and took 2 Fatties, and medium, and a skinny guy as my assist man.

  9. Jim Thome, also like Tanooki Mario, has the ability to turn into a statue, although unlike Mario, that's not really a positive trait

  10. well done! Who could Charlie Manuel be? Utley could be one of the Bad Dudes or one of the guys from Contra.

    1. I think Charlie has to be something so old it's barely a video game--like Pong or the guy from Pitfall (Atari 2600, shut up, I know I'm old).

    2. Pitfall Harry?

  11. Right now they are all those stupid turtles you jump on Super Mario and they just go back and forth between the bricks with no real purpose!

  12. C'mon, Polanco is so obviously Bonk from the Turbografx 16 system.


  13. That you even found a way to reference The Adventures of Bayou Billy is a testament to the greatness of this bolg

  14. What about Ty Wigginton?


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