Thursday, June 21, 2012

ZWR, Craney, & Danger's Authoritative 2012 NBA Mock Draft (feat. Rocket Farts)

I'm under the impression that most mock draft sites are just donkeys making stuff up, and I know that CK, Danger, and I are essentially sports geniuses, so what we decided to do was provide you- the beautiful ZWR readership- with the most comprehensive, well-researched, and entertaining 2012 NBA Mock Draft 2012 on the whole internet. I think the real draft is next week or something. Enjoy.

ZWR - No. 1 – New Orleans Hornets -  Jambalaya. It’s yummy and geographically relevant! Make sure to use Gulf crawdads, yo. Everybody wins. omnomnomnomnom

DG - No. 2 – Charlotte Bobcats - Anthony Davis. I really want Charlotte to draft him because he looks like the Shawn Bradley Monstar from Space Jam, and I could totally see Michael Jordan showing up at practice and having PTSD flashbacks where he screams “YOU’RE NOT TAKING ME TO MORON MOUNTAIN, ALIEN” and demanding to play Davis one-on-one for his freedom.

CK - No. 3 – Washington Wizards - I want to go Michael Kidd-Gilchrist here but I think he’s the best player in the draft and the Wizards will never be good so it doesn’t make sense for them to make that move so I am going to draft Miles Plumlee because I know that guy is going to stink.

Miles returns to DC!

CK - No. 4 – Cleveland Cavaliers - Hot Sauce Williams Polish Boy. This team has been desperate for a local face of the franchise after you know who took his forehead to South Beach. They just landed it.

DG - No. 5 – Sacramento Kings - $1 billion. Cash. It would solve the Kings’ money problems and set a truly delightful precedent.

ZWR - No. 6 - Portland Trail Blazers -  (via Brooklyn Nets) Since I’m the Trail Blazers I’m totally gonna screw this up and the next team will get an epic, all-timer pick. As such, we choose Tori from Saved by the Bell. Thanks Jay-Z!!!

ZWR - No. 7 - Golden State Warriors -  KELLY KAPOWSKI, G, BAYSIDE HIGH

OMG this hurts worse than missing out on Jordan or Durant

DG - No. 8 – Toronto Raptors - Once you get outside the top five or six picks, it’s probably wise to just take the best overall instead of drafting for need. Utilizing this philosophy, I predict the Toronto Raptors will select “outdoor beers.”

CK - No. 9 – Detroit Pistons - This Ferrari poster:

Motor City, Amirite?!

CK - No. 10 – New Orleans Hornets - (from Minnesota Timberwolves via L.A. Clippers) - I’m trading this pick back to the Clippers with the promise they will again trade it to the Timberwolves as a joke and everyone will laugh except for Timberwolves fans because the Timberwolves will trade this pick and Kevin Love to Boston in exchange for Kevin Garnett. Boston will then flip the pick back to New Orleans who will draft Kostas Papanikolaou via Olympiakos (from Boston via Minnesota via Los Angeles via New Orleans from Minnesota via Los Angeles)

DG - No. 11 – Portland Trail Blazers - After selecting Tori with their first pick, I see the Blazers picking up Jesse’s d-bag stepbrother Eric to give them a dynamic leather jacket-wearing combination for years to come.

ZWR - No. 12 – Milwaukee Bucks - I’m going to play it safe and pick a “Button Your Fly” t-shirt here.

HEY SPEAKING OF T-SHIRTS, Spreadshirt is offering free shipping on all shirts today (June 21) with the code T-DAY2012 (no minimum orders or anything)! Check out our fine fashion-forward ZWR apparel HERE

ZWR - No. 13 – Phoenix Suns - Picking With the 13th pick in the NBA Draft, the Phoenix Suns select this video of Tom Chambers and Cotton Fitzsimmons on the Arsenio Hall show.

DG - No. 14 – Houston Rockets - This drawing I made of a shark. BUY SHIRT. Real smooth, Rick.

Editor's Note: zOMG yes, please <3

CK - No. 15 – Philadelphia 76ers - I was googling pictures of Ron Anderson with all intentions of drafting his mustache when I came across this picture of Charles Barkley, Mike Gminski and the two dudes from the show Thirtysomething.

CK - No. 16 – Houston Rockets - This old logo that has a dude ripping off a rocket fart.

Rocket Fart

DG - No. 17 – Dallas Mavericks - Bismack Biyambo. I know he was technically drafted by Charlotte last year, but this is the kind of outside-the-box thinking that rebel entrepreneurs like Mark Cuban are famous for. Also, effective immediately, the Dallas Mavericks are now the Dallas Rebel Entrepreneurs.

ZWR - No. 18 – Minnesota Timberwolves (via Utah Jazz) - Fab Melo, C, Syracuse. *Begins printing “Melo Love” posters immediately.

ZWR - No. 19 – Orlando Magic -  The most annoying rich frat bro you went to college with, to be paired in the backcourt immediately with JJ Redick.

43% from three

DG - No. 20 – Denver Nuggets - Dude. DUUUUDDEEE. Nuggets. Get it? Like, nuggets. Nugs, bro. Sticky, stinky, green ones. Do you think that’s why they named the team that? Because of weed? I bet NBA players blaze so hard, dude. What? I’m on the clock. WHOA. HARSH. Five seconds?! I … uh … I … oh man, this is hard … uh … BROWNIES.

CK - No. 21 – Boston Celtics - Maria Menounos.


CK - No. 22 – Boston Celtics (from Los Angeles Clippers, via OKC Thunder) - Tyler Zeller. Bos-ton white-guy clap clap clapclapclap. KNAUK HIS FRICKIN HEAD AHFF TYLUH!

DG - No. 23 – Atlanta Hawks - The music video for the Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy” remix, featuring ODB. Start it at power forward and slide Al Horford to center. It’s good for 20 and 10, every night.

ZWR - No. 24 – Cleveland Cavaliers (via Los Angeles Lakers) - An act of magic that makes Dan Gilbert's comic sans letter disappear from ever happening in the history of ever forever.

ZWR - No. 25 – Memphis Grizzlies - Wait, I thought they were in Vancouver? Memphis? Huh. We’re drafting us some barbecue sauce. Side note: I like when BBQ places serve up their grub on paper plates with white bread. Shows character. And also that they could give a crap what you think, you stupid touristface.

DG - No. 26 – Indiana Pacers - Harrison Barnes. A real steal at 26.

CK - No. 27 – Miami Heat - A trophy case.
(Editor's Note: As commissioner of the 2012 NBA Mock Draft 2012 I have no choice but to veto this pick of Mr. Kicker and replace it with a photo of a cool kid in a sunblock t-shirt and star shades celebrating Tupac's birthday)

CK - No. 28 – Chicago Bulls - Zelda’s health potion. The red one.

DG - No. 29 – Oklahoma City Thunder - A trident for James Harden to carry around with him everywhere like Poseidon.

ZWR - No. 30 – Golden State Warriors (via San Antonio Spurs) - *Puts five foreign names in a hat. Draws one* Furkan Aldemir. We’re the Furkan Warriors, yo!

Well that was fun! See you again next year, kids. Oh and here's that picture of Kelly Kapowski again:


  1. Fantastic as always

  2. Blue potion > Red potion.

  3. Dude... I have zero interest in basketball so I was totally going to skip this post. But the picture on facebook was driving me nuts! I was going crazy trying to figure out who that guy was. How do you even manage to pull out a Murphy Brown reference??? When is the last time anyone thought of that show??? LMAO


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