Tuesday, July 31, 2012


9:43 AM UPDATE: No Update

10:22 AM UPDATE: No Update

12:00 noon-ish: Shane Victorino traded to LA Dodgers of Los Angeles for some guy named Lindblom and a guy named Ethan Ca$h Martin. I think they're both pitchers. 

It has begun. I've blockaded my cubicle with empty copy paper boxes and taken shelter beneath its poorly made desk. May leave soon to scavenge for supplies. This could be a long day. Hanging in, for now. 

12:29 PM Update: Hunter Pence traded to the San Francisco Giants for what reporters are calling, "nothing good." No names yet on the scrubs we got, but Matt Gelb is calling it a "fire sale." This is great. 

I'm now huddling on the floor covered in fax cover sheets. So cold. Scared. Hoping these new guys have funny names that make for funny t-shirts. Not saying goodbye, but

Roy Halladay Dominates the Olympics, Day 3

Underscore Matt is back at it, and man did he potentially earn a bronze based on this effort!

Day Three
Roy doesn't like 2nd place, Ryan

"Sorry brah"

This just isn't even a good photoshop jawn. So enjoy!
(Editor's Note: It's ArcheROY!)

"I love you."
"No, I love you more."
Roy has not time for this nonsense.


Paps loves a good snatch.

Wait what how'd he get here?


Needs better physique


Hey what up girl? This morning stinks, right? What to do? How on earth to distract yourself from the soul-crushing despondency of your work day? OH THAT'S RIGHT, today's the Major League Baseball trade deadline!!! (Except I think people can still get traded if they pass through waivers but frankly I don't even know what waivers means even in fantasy football I don't get it all I know is that I tried to add Toby Gerhart and the commissioner cheated)

So, yeah, I've got the hook-up for you kids. Forget about real life, forget about stopping at Target after work to get a card for your niece and zip-lock bags, forget the bullet points for your 10 AM call. Sail away mentally, and check in every few minutes to see what time it is (metaphor, yo) on the ...


tick tick ti- hey yo man nice swatch wanna trade

ZWR has its eye on the ball like George McFly and Mick Billmeyer at a billiards tournament:

Keep it locked here for late breaking trade news, Roy Halladay Olympic updates and other pointless nonsense all day long

Monday, July 30, 2012

Roy Halladay Dominates the Olympics, Days 1 and 2

It's common knowledge that Harry Leroy Halladay III represents everything that is virtuous, noble, and true about modern athletes and the glory of athletic pursuit in general. Therefore it's natural to see the ties between those qualities and the now-underway games of the XXXth Olympiad (you've read my Phillies as Olympic Events post by now, right?!).

ZWR staff illustrator Mattmac has taken to chronicling Roy's achievements in London (which also may explain how tired he's been on the mound of late, just saying), and I'm thrilled to share those with you now.

SO after parachuting in as the Queen's stunt double, Roy outswam (outswum, outswimmed, whatevs) an anaconda to beat Phelps in the 400 IM.

No big deal.

lol that's silly

Saturday, July 28, 2012

ZWR In The Wild (Dudes w/ the Ladies Edition)

ZWR enthusiast Aiden wrote:
Hey Zoo, 
Wanted to send along a pic of the girl and I at a recent game (actually not so recent, like a month ago or so). Any who I had sent in a pic around this time last summer showing off my new ZWR threads that she had purchased me and I believe the advice given was "dude, don't screw this up". Well, I haven't screwed it up (yet!). Just wanted to say thank you for making sure my relationship continues, what with your fun bolg posts, "we wonned" updates, and "still dead" Michael Martinez updates that give me and the girl a reason to converse on a daily basis (Editor's Note: shaking my darn head)
No but for serious- don't screw it up dummy.

Dave tweeted this to (at? (@?)) me:

I believe that's a towel skirt

Here's a really rich guy in the super fancy seats wearing a fashion-forward "Hi" shirt. GET YOURS TODAY!

James made this at the beach. I like.

Friday, July 27, 2012

The 2012 Phillies as Summer Olympic Events

Cliff Lee = Archery
Almost always deadly accurate, but unfortunately many of his best pitches end up right in the middle of his intended target  :(

Laynce Nix = Weightlifting


Juan Pierre = Badminton
Both are lightning fast and can be as equally fun to watch as they are frustrating. Even when Juan swings as hard as he can, the ball doesn't really go very far.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

James Calvin Rollins Swag-O-Meter Update (7.26.12)

Zoo With Friends at Iron Hill North Wales

Love Yes, Please

I've gotten tremendous feedback on last night's "Zoo With Friends" shindig at Iron Hill North Wales. That, of course, makes me smile. And also the fact that Vince saved a surprise keg of So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat for last night's beer lovers is also pretty rad.

The stars of the show, though (duh), were the delicious creations of Vince and... well... our friends
  • Philly.com producer, 97.3  ESPN Radio Phillies beat reporter, and- MOST IMPORTANTLY- unpaid ZWR contributor Ryan Petzar's Petzrawr Pilsner
  • ZWR Supermodel and 97.5 The Fanatic's Alex Reardon's Reardon the Instigator
  • BFF4LIFE and TEAM SPAEK founder, creator of the hilarious "Cholly" series here on the bolg, and co-host of the podcast we swear we're going to make one day CK's Aka-Oni (The Red Devil)
Were you there last night? Which ones did you try? Did you drink them all in giant glasses or those lame samplers? Which did you like best? Do you like questions? Will you answer them in the comments? Okay, sounds great!

Here's Aka-Oni, Craney's jawn. Says Vince, "It's like a Japanese pale ale." By all accounts, it was delicious:


And here's Vince after drinking eleventeen of them:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz hammer zzzzz

Vince informs me that he'll be announcing the winner of the competition today, so stay tuned for that. From my side of things, I want to quickly thank him, and Iron Hill North Wales, for being so gracious and fun since we started doing this beer thing with our baby So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat. It's one of my more proud outcomes of the bolg (will be in the top three when all is said and done, right up there with going to the zoo with Roy Halladay), and it wouldn't have happened without them. Thanks also to Alex, CK, and Ryan.

Finally, thanks to all of you donkeys for joining in on the fun with things like this. It is so, so, so, so appreciated.


POSTSCRIPT: Yo whoever wins the StubHub gift card take me to the Keith Sweat concert 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Awesome Emma Interviews Cole Hamels, Part 2 (Awesome Outtakes)

Since today is HOLY BUTT COLE HAMELS day AND Christmas in July, I figured it was the perfect time to unveil some bonus footage from Awesome Emma's interview with our newest ace billionaire.

Consider this is the deep cut b-side of the facebreaking original. Thanks to @gtori_anderson for putting this together.


Christmas in July, by Cole Hamels and Ruben Amaro Jr.


Here's 144 Million Photoshops and GIFs of Cole Hamels!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha zOMG yes please yes please best news ever this morning!

How to celebrate, donkeys? How about 144 million absurdly charming and hilariously best-ever amazingly well crafted photojobs and pics and gifs from the bolg and the face-breakingness that is donkey nation? Yu-huh.


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (7.23.12 v the Brewers)

Roy Halladay, in only his second game back from a serious injury to his latimus dorsimus maximus magnifico, managed last night's affair such that the Phils were able to pull out a sure-to-be-memorable win. Some might even say HLHIII willed the team to late-inning victory. I'm not sure if we need to go that route, but only out of respect for Halladay's selfless nature.

Man, he's so great.

But equally awesome in the context of the individual game: K-ROD BABY!!!!!


Friday, July 20, 2012

I Was on @CSNPhilly's Lunch Break Program Today With @RheaHughes

Thanks to everyone at CSN Philly for this, I had a great time. So yeah. Um. I don't really know what else to say, so I guess just watch this:

Important Poll Question Re: Your Phillies

"Get John Boggs on the phone. It is time."

Despite your utter lack of experience in managing a big league roster, inadequate understanding of league collective bargaining rules, unfamiliarity with the Philadelphia Phillies' financial structuring (particularly with respect to the impacts of rostered player salaries), your propensity to read a website called I Want to Go to the Zoo With Roy Halladay, and general donkey-like nature, could you have assembled a more effective bullpen for the 2012 Phillies than the one put together by Ruben Amaro Junior?

Jonathan Papelbon

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Phils Blow Late Lead, Lose to Dodgers in Extras


Beer, Bocce, and Attractive People

Hey kids, you're probably wondering what that endearing banner ad up at the top of the bolg is all about. Well I'll tell you what it's about you big dork- it's awesomeface bocce in Philadelphia!!! Holy butt. I know. Here's the scoop from the official organizational literature I was kindly asked to share:

Major League Bocce, the nation’s largest organized bocce league, has found its way to the City of Brotherly Love bringing with it a fresh take on a sport steeped in tradition and heritage. Long thought of as a game only played by older, Italian men, Major League Bocce has revamped bocce’s image, attracting thousands of young adult players in their 20s and 30s to the sport. 
Major League Bocce is currently registering players for its Summer 2012 season. Games are played every Wednesday at 7:00 pm in Penn Park (University City) starting the week of July 25th. Teams play once a week for 8 weeks, and at the end of the season winners are awarded sizable donations to a charity of their choosing.

Peer-reviewed demographic research:
  • Average age is 27 years
  • Drinking is encouraged
  • This is a great way to spend a relaxing time after work to meet people, engage in some friendly competition, and drink in public
  • Players get a team shirt, exclusive food and beer discounts at the bar after games, and a free party at the end of the season
  • You can sign up by creating a new team, joining an existing team, or individually and we'll place you on a team
  • ZWR Enthusiasts get $5 off of their summer registration fee with the code ZOOBOCCE 
In case you're still not getting it: 
Dude, this is what the hot young cool kids do these days- a means to be somewhat competitive while getting drunked/hanging out/hooking up. 

Bocce nights make for great stories at the food trucks the next day or come Quizzo. It's fun. Here's a quick scene representing what's guaranteed likely to happen to YOU any given week:

[Attractive person approaches you post-game]

Attractive Person: Hey there, these (domestic microbrews with ironic names) sure are great, aren't they?

You: I'll say!

Attractive Person (flirtatiously): Hi, I'm Riley.

You: I'm donkeyface. Nice to meet you.

[Awkward pause]

Attractive Person: So what do you do?

You: Oh, I'm in SEO for a cool little company. It's pretty relaxed, but intense, you know. How about you?

Attractive Person: I go to law school.

You: Cool. Hey, you wanna get drinks sometime?

[Attractive Person looks down to her beer bottle with a charming smirk. You laugh.]

You: I'm such an idiot. You know what I mean.

Attractive Person: I'd love to.

[You exchange Twitter handles, Facebooks, Tumblrs, and iPhone numbers. Then you rejoin your BROs and you all give each other high fives and blow up some fist bumps and everyone agrees bocce is the best thing ever.]

So dude, if you live in or near the city of Philadelphia, there's really no reason you shouldn't be playing bocce in Penn Park every week. 

Zoo With Roy's 2012 Line Graph of Eternal Optimism (H/T 4-game win streak)

Hey kids, are you feeling it? That's right ... we're streaking, baby! Our heroes, with all face-breakers now intact, are four games into a historic surge. For the sake of projection, scale, and some sort of tangibility, I'll employ the Line Graph of Eternal Optimism (proprietary) to document what we're experiencing in "time-now" and should be expecting for the near-term future.

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (7.17.12 v the Dodgers)

So excited!
ZWR staff member reacting to Brian Sanches' demotion
The heavens smiled upon the vast expanses from Chavez Ravine to each of our donkey enclaves last night, casting a spirit that could only come to mean one thing. Yes yes yes yes yes, Roy Halladay (whom I want to go to the zoo with, as you might have heard) was back on the mound for your surging Philadelphia Phillies.

AP; So very, very cuttered
I'm so excited, sitting here at my stupid cubicle blasting my 2Pac / Camera Obscura "PUMPED UP" playlist thinking back on last night's game. First, a rehashing of events in a loosely time-phased fashion:
  • First Inning: Dude, the ump was on point, with a keen eye for Roy's masterful painting of the corners. Excellent work on all parts:

    Bobby Abreu Has a Sad
    Wally Bell umpires Very Well.
    GIF by Dan McQuade
  • Second Inning: I may have fallen asleep. From what I hear, HLHIII got blooped to death and everyone was freaking out.
  • Third Through Fifth Innings: Oh that's just Roy being Roy. Our hero's on a tight pitch count and he's all like, "Oh okay, lemme just get you through five without walking anyone or allowing any more runs my bad I was just simulating giving those up earlier like when I sat through half-innings from the bullpen during my minor-league rehab don't I rule? Oh, don't make me blush."

"But ZWR what's the line? We need to know, we need to know, tell us ZEE-DUB-ARR 'cause we need to know!!!!!"

5 IP, 5 H, 0 BB (duh), 6 K (4 C, 2 SC), 2 ER, 1.00 WHIP, 80 pitches

It's so great to have Roy back. I'm thinking so long as we keep plenty of blue Powerade on hand all should be fine the rest of the way.


World of Spazcraft
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