Monday, July 16, 2012

Charlie Gathers the Troops to Discuss the Big Weekend



Interior, Dodgers Stadium Clubhouse...


Alright you guys like bring it in here I wanna talk about some of the good things that happened over the weekend.


Le sigh another players-only meeting, Charlie?


What? No like I just thought you know like since we won a series for the first time since like Jesus was a boy I thought we should all get together and like bond or somethin.


Sorry, I can’t today Charlie, Heidi and I are window shopping for house--I mean, looking for new fancy clothes on Rodeo Drive--today. Later, muchachos.


Try not to pick out anything too garish. But make sure it has a pool and a grotto.



GROSS. Don’t make me fire you again. Now everyone get the hell in here and pay attention to Charlie. God knows you clowns could use some clubhouse chemistry.


OMG SPEAKING OF CHEMISTRY DID YOU GUYS SEE BREAKING BAD LAST NIGHT IT WAS SO FREAKIN AWESOME MAN FIRST MR. WHITE WAS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE WITH A BEARD AND A WIG AND THEN HE PAID LIKE 100 DOLLARS FOR HIS GRAND SLAM AT DENNY’S LOL CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT IT’S SO FUNNY BECAUSE IT ONLY COSTS LIKE FIVE BUCKS AND THE LADY EVEN TOLD HIM HE COULD HAVE IT FOR FREE BECAUSE IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY ANYWAY AND HE STILL LIKE WAY WAY WAY OVERPAID FOR IT--


Sounds familiar, ha.




--WELL ANYWAY THEN HE BUYS THIS HUGEEEEEEEEEE MACHINE GUN FROM THE GUY THAT SOLD HIM THAT OTHER GUN THAT ONE TIME AND ’M NOT TALKING ABOUT NO UZI EITHER IT WAS LIKE AN M80 OR SOMETHING I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT HE’S GOING TO USE IT FOR I HOPE IT’S TO BATTLE THE CARTEL OR THE DOA OR MIKE OR WHATEVER MAN IT’S GOING TO BE SO GREAT KIND OF LIKE US IN THE SECOND HALF TAKING ON ALL COMERS, (*ducks behind clubhouse sofa, pops up and mimics machine gun fire*) PFFFT, PFFFFT FFFFFFFFF PFFFFFFFT RATA-TAT-TAT-AT-ATATTA-AT-ATT-TAT I AM THE DANGER, NATIONALS RATA-TAT-TAT-PFFFFFT PFFFT PFFFF ACK ACK


Oh man, you guys talking about Breakin Bad? LOVE that show, bro. Like how bout when my man Hank is inside the burnt down chemical lab and he’s in that suit that he barely fits in and he’s breathing all heavy and walking around with a huge limp but it’s like, you still KNOW this guy believes he is the shiznit, you know? That’s cray!


Sup bros.


Piece! Hey, we were... um... huh. Nevermind.


DUDDDDDDDDDEEEEE, THAT SCENE WITH THE MAGNET.


LOL I KNOW IT WAS LIKE THAT WEB VIDEO WITH THE RAPPING MIMES-- EFFIN MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK? BUT MR. WHITE KNEW, AND THEY SUCKED ALL THE EVIDENCE OUT OF THE POLICE STATION BUT BROKE GUSTAVO’S PICTURE OF HIM AND HIS CHICKEN BROTHER BOYFRIEND EFFIN MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK? EFFIN MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK???? LOL SCENE WAS SICKKKKKKKK HEY RUBEN CAN I GET A NEW CONTRACT I NEED TO GET A BANK ACCOUNT IN THE CAYMANS


If you can find the Caymans on the map, MAYBE. But probably not, no.


More like “Cray-mans” … LOL$


YEAH, MAGNETS B*TCH!


Clearly someone used a magnet to erase both your brains.


Maybe we could use them to erase some bad contracts, hmm.


Not cool, GG.


Are you guys talking about that show where Malcolm’s dad plays a cancer victim?


Leave, Kyle.


K bye.


So anyway, Skip. What did you actually want to talk about?


Shoot I don’t remember now I forgot to write it down like Roy taught me but like I think it was something inspiring about kickin open the door and starting off the second season with what I like to call a winner’s attitude or somethin like that.


That’s right. WE ARE THE DANGER.


Who the fug is that guy?!


…?


DUDES THAT’S SO NOT COOL THAT’S LAyNCE NIX HE’S BEEN WITH US SINCE SPRING TRAINING REMEMBER HE SHOWED UP AND HE WAS ALL BIG AND MUSCLEY AND STUFF AND HIM AND GALVIS USED TO GO WORK OUT TOGETHER IN THE SECRET WEIGHT ROOM DOWN IN CLEARWATER BUT EVERYONE WAS LIKE WAIT WHAT THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE NIX IS HUGE AND FREDDY CAN’T EVEN LIFT THE BENCH BAR. WHAT’S UP, NIXXY, I’M FEELIN THE BEARD MAN.


I’m Jason Pridie.


LOL, KNOCK IT OFF LAYNCE


Dude seriously what position do you play?


I’m an outfielder.


Not buying it. Should have said you were one of the Jewish relievers or something. I’m gonna fart-bomb you now.

(Wigginton farts into his hands, throws it at Pridie)


UGH. I’ve been here for weeks, actually. But I heard you guys talking about THE BEST SHOW IN TELEVISION HISTORY--


TOP CHEF DESSERTS


No way, man. The Wire is the Beast Mode stuff my man Bunk cracks me up!


Funny you should say that. What do you know about Baltimore...?


PIT BEEF YES PLEASE.


Wait, no! He’s the dentist from Seinfeld, right?!


I said to get the F#*K out of here, Japandroid!


*swoon* I love it when you use swear words and make references I’m too old to understand. It’s great in the clubhouse.


--ummm, no. Breaking Bad? You guys just were talking about it for like 10 minutes but didn’t even manage to discuss any of the moral and ethical table-setting presented in the show’s first episode. To say nothing of its brilliantly tense cold open, incredibly complex and detailed dramatic archetypes, or the layers of subtext presented by Vince Gilligan and his crew. You should really check out the podcast.


YEAH, MAGNETS B*TCH!


WATERRR, FIREEE, AIR AND DIRTTTTTT, EFFFINGGGGG MAGNETSSSSSS, HOWWWW DO THEY WORKKKKKKKKKK?


You know like sometimes I don’t even know why I bother. 

13 comments:

  1. 10/10. Your best one yet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post. Why? Because I say so.

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  3. I'm dying. This was fantastic.

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  4. I can't breathe. Holy crap.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm pretty sure bolg post don't get any better than this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the best since 'chu know my naym'

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  7. Interwebz = Wonned.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jo Jo says "deserving of an Oscar"

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  9. The best in a long time. Very good. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. WOOOOO, good 'un!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I consider any use of "fart-bomb" genius.

    ReplyDelete

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