Zoo With Roy: Charlie Shares the News of Ryan Howard's Return

A CK Special Report

Ryan Howard returns to the Phillies

Ok now listen up. I’m callin a players-only meetin right now. Everybody get in here.

LOL Charlie you can’t call a players-only meeting.

And why the heck not can’t I? This is a free country and like I work here and I’m the manager. I’m callin one right now.

Because players-only meetings are for the players only silly! You’re not a player. Duh Charlie!

Shut up I am too a player go ask Japan.

But you aren’t a player on this team, hence, you cannot call a players-only meeting! Sheeshmagosh, Charlie.

HAHA RIGHT I KNOW COLE TOO FUNNY HEY CHARLIE YOU CAN CALL LIKE A TEAM MEETING AND ALL AND WE CAN BE LIKE OK TEAM MEETING TIME AND THEN EVERYONE PASSES THE CONCH SHELL AROUND AND GETS TO DISCUSS HOW THEY ARE FEELING AND STUFF SEE HERE LOOK HERE’S A THE SHELL WHO WANTS TO START?

What the heck is that doin in here this is a damn baseball locker room not an aquaratarium. Put that away it stinks.

I KNOW I SMELL THAT TOO I THINK HE DIED ON OUR LAST ROAD TRIP I FORGOT TO LEAVE THE FOOD OUT HEY DID YOU EVER SEE THE MOVIE JAWS 4 WHEN THEY COLLECT ALL THE CONCH SHELLS BUT THEN JAWS SHOWS UP AND THE DAD FROM BATMAN FLIES A PLANE AND SAVES THE DAY GREAT MOVIE BRO

Hey Chane chu tink I can hear dee ochin een dat juan or es too steenky yet?

NAH MARTY LET ME BRING IT HOME AND BOIL IT IN SOME VINEGAR FIRST TO GET THE STINK OUT THEN WE CAN HEAR THE OCEAN THAT’LL BE SO AWESOME HEY DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER AND PLAY PIRATES LATER?!

Chu mean de Peetsburn Pirayte?

AY NOW THAT’S ENOUGH LIKE NO MORE TALKIN ABOUT PIRATE SHIPS AND OCEANS AND THAT GIRL WHO SELLS STUFF DOWN AT THE BEACH LIKE THIS IS IMPORTANT. PLAYERS-ONLY MEETIN TIME. GET EVERYONE IN HERE.

Seriously you guys let’s go, Charlie is calling a meeting. Everyone gather around.

Yeah except like not you Wad you can’t stay in here.

Why the heck not?

Cause it’s for players only and like and tee ball don’t count now scram this is important.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum that was cold, Chuck.

HAHA DON’T I KNOW IT JIMMY. Gimme five down top.

Um. Do what???

Shut up. Just like gimme five.

Ok Chuck come on now bring it in here for the real thing... don’t leave me hanging...

MY MAN!

HAHAHA NOOOOOOGGGGIIIIIEEEESSSS HEY I WANT A NOOGIE WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME ONE HAHA HEY WHAT ABOUT A WEDGIE ANYBODY WANT ONE OF THOSE THIS IS FUN HAHAHA PRANKS!

I’ve had one of those for those two months now bro. Something about these game pants in the heat.

I guess that explains why you’re playing like butt.

Ahaha. Butt. Nice.

You know what, Gross? You’re fired. See ya. Now are we going to have this meeting or what? I’ve got chips to move.

Mmmmm...chips. Need any help?

Actually yes. Come with me. I’m about to get the Cubs on the phone. You know those deep dish dummies are just dying to pick up an average pitcher with a bad contract. Floor is yours, Charlie.

Ok meetin time. Here goes now. I’m gonna be like real pacific and I ain’t gonna beat up any bushes. You all stink at playin baseball right now.

Me no.

Yeah no sorry not you Chooz but like everyone else. You stink.

What-evvveeerrrr. You guys don’t appreciate me. Can not WAIT to be traded.

Okay not you too. Okay but everyone else. Except Chooz and Cold. You stink.

HEEEEYYY NOWWW YOU’RE AN ALLL-STARRR GET YOUUUUURRR GAME ONNNN GOOOOO PLAYYYYYY...AHEMMMMMM.....CHARRLLLLLIEEEE....

Yeah whatever like you might be an All-Star and all but like you keep bein ascared of guys like Jordy Nelsonspin and blowin leads you’re gonna end up back in Boston sniffin glue and panhandlin.

I’M SHIPPPPPPING UP TOOOOO BOSSSSTOONNNNN OOOOOHHHH.

BER BAH BER BAHBAHBAHBAHBAHBAH BAHHHH BER BAH BER BAH BAH BAH BAH BAHHHHHHH! ACCORDIONS RULE!

ENOUGH MUSIC NOW. Ok to recap - you guys stink. But like we got good news. Our best offensive weapon is comin back tonight.

I came back last week, skip.

Not you Chutney I’m talkin about like the big man.

THE BIG MAN WAIT RUBEN JUST SAID HE WAS TRADING HIM TO THE CUBS FOR A PIZZA.

Howard you idiots. He’s playin tonight. First base and clean-up. Hittin season again boys like let’s go out there put together a streak before the break hits now.

You lie. He can’t possibly be ready yet. He rehabbed for like a day.

Swear it.

WHAAAAATTT UPPPPP?!

Oh hell yes. The band is getting back together!

Everybody is here this is so exciting!

Crap I forgot sorry.

Leave Kyle.

K bye.

So are you really playing tonight bro?

Yes sir it sure looks that way.

Yeah buddy!

Yessssss protection!

ALLLLLOW MEEEEE TOOOO REINTRODUUUCE MYYYYSEEEELLLLLLFFFFF!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG THIS IS SO EXCITING IT’S LIKE EVERYTHING IS COMING TOGETHER THIS IS GREAT WE AREN’T GOING TO STINK ANYMORE I AM SO EXCITED COME HERE RYAN I WANT TO GIVE YOU A BIG FAT SQUEEZE I AM SO HAPPY!