Monday, July 9, 2012

Phillies Mid-Season Report Cards

Wow... quite the first half, huh? As we head into break let's see how our heroes graded out in the Spring semester.

Carlos ("Cot For Choice") Ruiz
.350 AVG, .412 OBP, .584 SLG, 13 HR, 3 SB. If this isn't the A++++++-iest A++++++ in the history of A++++++++s I don't know what is. A+++++++++++++++++++. Love you Chooch.

Cole Hamels
10 wins, 3.20 ERA, 1.10 WHIP, and he did THIS. Duh- A

No serious we can't trade him or let him leave can we? 

Roy Halladay
With the way he battled injuries, led by example, and trained relentlessly Roy definitely gets a well-deserved A+ here. Can't wait to see what he does once he returns.


Hunter Pence
Here's the deal: you're a total spazz-face, but it makes me laugh. I also love how you annoy everyone- it hasn't gone unnoticed. Let's go with a B. Most of that's for the amusement provided, though I guess your numbers kind of aren't that bad but feel like they're not great and you often don't catch the baseball when it's hit at you?

Juan Pierre
Dude you annoy more people than Pence does. Here, watch this: Juan Pierre has proven so far in 2012 that he really does just know how to hit and utilize his speed. As is seemingly always the case, the fleet-footed OF is hitting over .300 and is at or above 20 stolen bases as we head into the All-Star Break. Forty billion heads just exploded with rage. Yes, please. You get a B+ for BEAST MODE.

Freddy Galvis
Incomplete. You were really impressing with your deft, almost magical work in the field and timely hitting, but then you broke your back swinging at a pitch and got busted for steroids so let's just see how things go.

Jimmy Rollins
Started like butt, picked it up of late, had a healthy baby (congrats on that). You get a "BALLA FLOW", but if you keep on this track could be at full-fledged "SWAG" by the close of the season. Know that despite our frustrations, deep down we love you.

Cliff Lee
Grades? Whatever.

Our Entire Offense Besides Those Guys
You can't spell "FART" without an F. But look on the bright side, you're one letter away from being art.

Our Entire Bullpen Besides Papelbon
Dude F I mean seriously too many Jewish guys and Quallses (no offense Jewish people I love you).

Kyle Kendrick
Listen I hate your big dumb face get out of my class.

Syllabus Change
"Celebrate Making Playoffs" class exercise moved from w/e Sept. 7 to TBD.

Reminder to us fans: We follow for entertainment... and that entitles us nothing more than the joy we derive from the game. Even when things get tough, don't lose sight of those precious opportunities for escape and happiness.


  1. I think Chase gets a B- for at least showing up. Same with Ryan, even if he hobbles down the line...

  2. Isn't it Carlos "Choice" Ruiz?

  3. "...but then you broke your back swinging at a pitch and got busted for steroids so let's just see how things go."

    LOL. Love it.

  4. >Roy Halladay

  5. Papelbarn might deserve higher than an F. I would also give Polly a D (D is for defense?) for his defense and for not being put on the 60 day DL. Otherwise solid grading.

  6. IF you read the whole thing- PAPELBON didnt get an F. It says bullpen BESIDes him.

    1. I did read the whole thing. I suppose I should have capitalized "might" to draw more attention to it, because he's been solid, but I kinda still wanna give him an F for his blown saves and because of his contract. I'm torn.


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