Friday, July 27, 2012

The 2012 Phillies as Summer Olympic Events

Cliff Lee = Archery
Almost always deadly accurate, but unfortunately many of his best pitches end up right in the middle of his intended target  :(

Laynce Nix = Weightlifting


Juan Pierre = Badminton
Both are lightning fast and can be as equally fun to watch as they are frustrating. Even when Juan swings as hard as he can, the ball doesn't really go very far.

Cole Hamels = Beach Volleyball, brah
Hollywood, Southern California, lots of fancy sunglasses. And, because you can’t skate on the beach.

Kyle Kendrick = Rhythmic Gymnastics
Dude, they have to be straight up trolling us right now how is this part of the same rotation as the uneven bars and the vault? I mean, how can you even explain what's going on out there? HOLD UP, WAIT--IS THAT A RIBBON, WTF?! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?

It's the Photoshop I've waited my whole life for

Hunter Pence and Shane Victorino = Canoe Slalom
I don't know anything about this, but it really makes me laugh thinking of these two trying to work in tandem to navigate a freakin canoe through an obstacle course atop rapidly flowing water. Spazziest sporting event of all time.

John Mayberry = Water Polo
Upon first glance, it would appear that this is going to be awesome. There’s raw athleticism, speed, power- you have to be a boss to do this, of an athletic pedigree. But then it goes into action and you’re all, “huh”. Just doesn’t match the expectation. Also, mermaids.

Ryan Howard = Boxing
When he connects, it’s awesome and invigorating. Only sport where there’s a chance you’ll sustain a major, possibly career threatening injury. Professional boxers can easily make $125 million in their career without really doing all that much.

Kevin Frandsen = Equestrian
You’ll tolerate this event but you won’t really pay it much attention because you know it’ll just be back in the Lehigh Valley countryside where it belongs soon enough.

Pete Orr = Speed Skating
Decidedly Canadian, fast, and not a part of this.

Ty Wigginton = Handball
*cups fart, throws it at you*

*grabs crotch*


Michael Martinez = Jeu De Paume
It’s dead, yo.

Jonathan Papelbon = Canoe Sprint
It’s not a sport you really get to see that often, yet when it does make an appearance, it’s an all-out, explosive burst of energy that leaves all viewers and participants mentally and physically exhausted.

Jayson Werth = Trampoline
Wait what. No but seriously there’s an Olympic event called trampoline.

Mike Fontenot = Mountain Biking
At first you’re like, wait what where did this even come from I totally forgot all about this isn't it kind of useless? But then after a while you actually watch it for a minute and decide you’re not going to totally hate it.

Domonic Brown = Rugby Sevens
I keep hearing about it, how awesome it is, how it’s a huge sport for the future. Only it’s still not in the Olympics. Ohwellz, maybe in four more years.

Jimmy Rollins = Sailing
Smooth and silky, J-Roll often looks as though he’s coasting on the wind, even when he’s not running full speed. Plus you know he would look dope as hell in a sweater vest and boat shoes.

Placido Polanco = Fencing
Giant heads, light slap hitting, and way more frail than a profession athlete should be.

Carlos Ruiz = Swimming’s 200M individual medley
Hear me out, this is a sport that requires you to be good at everything if you’re going to medal. Who better personifies that than Chooch? Our hero is a master of all disciplines (hitting, fielding, calling a game, leading his teammates), and there’s a breathlessness to the performance.

Chase Utley = Tennis
His strokes are powerful and compact. And like most grunting tennis players, his onfield attitude often contradicts his polished and professional offield demeanor. Sadly, too many years of all-out effort have left his knees hollow on the inside.

Roy Halladay = Pentathlon + Triathlon + Entire team of people that carry the torch across the entire globe
Hero, legend. Athletic competitor for the ages. Probably a descendant of Zeus.


  1. And do you remember angry Ryan Howard in that extra inning game when he almost charged the third base upmire for saying he swung? Boxing, definitely.

  2. This is absolute win.

  3. August 24, 2010. Oswalt had to play left field for two innings.

  4. I think the Kyle Kendrick photoshop Is the one we have all been waiting for our entire lives.

  5. You can't skate on the beach. Love it. So I ran into Roy yesterday at the ALS event..I literally almost ran into him...I had my head down. I looked up at him and I must have looked so stupid - he looked me in the eyes and flashed that brilliant smile at me. So cuttered.

  6. Canoe Slalom, lol!

  7. Thanks, I needed that

  8. These are hilarious!! Especially love the faces on Vic and Pence. BTW, I didn't think I could love Roy any more than I already did until I met him on Photo Day! Brilliant smile, indeed! What an incredibly nice, humble guy! Swoon! He and Ryan were THE BEST!!

  9. I just lost it at the Dominic Brown one, freaking gold there. Awesome work

  10. OMG... the giant helmet on Polanco made me laugh so hard.

  11. 200M Individual Medley...In Major League, wasn't that the event that Rene Russo was an alternate for in the 1980 Olympics?

  12. See, it's even funnier now because it's like Victorino and Pence took their canoe and left. Which also makes it sad.


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