Friday, August 31, 2012

Awesome Emma Interviews Everyone, Live on the Red Carpet [VIDEO]

Hey kids, are you ready to see the best thing in the history of ever? If not, then BAI.


Phillie Phanatic (yes, plz)
John Mayberry Jr.
Vince Papale
Kyle Kendrick (trust me)
Ryan from the Bachelor (!)
AJ Feeley
Scott Hartnell
Michael Barkann
Todd Herremans
Cole and Heidi Hamels (Best people ever thank you so much)
Vance Worley (WORLY?) &
 J-ROLL (How can you be mad at him?!)

Yeah you should probably just start leave work after you finish watching it the for the fourteenth time because there's no better launching point into a holiday weekend than this.

You're welcome, go USA, Awesome Emma and ZWR for life baby.

The Sheriff Returns With a Few Choice Words

Seems I tried to learn you folks somethin' but none of ya wants to listen. Reckon most of you blind, deaf and dumb or somethin'. Don't have the common sense to respect the new lawman in town when you see him. Well I'm fittin to tell you again and I don't plan to repeat myself, understood? 

Things have changed, the new sheriff is here, and I ain't leavin', neither. Seems some of you folk only want to recall the between hay and grass boy I was some time ago. The Mets thought so too but ended up gettin' one in the neck just like the Nationals before them and the Brewers before them and those DEAD DAMNED FISH before them. Now any of you fittin' to throw up the sponge on this here season can just up and leave this town right the heck now. Cause K. Rodney Kendrick ain't got no quit in him. So you spread the word again. By hook or crook, nothin' stops this train. I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. My pitches won't be laid a bat on.

So are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?

Thursday, August 30, 2012

2012 ZWR (and Cranekicker) Fantasy Football Primer PREMIUM INSIDER

Things sure look to be heating up and getting intriguing as we head into the hottest part of the fantasy draft season. But you don't have to sweat, because this year ZWR has developed- on the back of tireless statistical analysis and educated projection- a melt-proof draft approach for PPR, PPRP, IDT, 2QB, WR/RB/WRB PP+, and WASP scoring systems. Further, ZWR draft strategies should see you avoid getting burned in roto, H2H, keeper, and modified keeper lockback no ball tap leagues. I’ve tested these in mock snake, auction, hybrid snake-tion, and re-draw draft scenarios, to consistent success.

If the waitress comes by get me some poppers
So here are five golden rules I suggest you follow if you want to be basking in the glow of victory:


h/t to the pals at BSG

Here's Awesome Emma and Chase Utley on Action News [VIDEO]

Hey gang, I know everyone has been eagerly anticipating the full video of Awesome Emma's interviews on the red carpet, and I'm hoping to have it soonly. I've just been having some logistical issues that hopefully will be sorted out soonlyish.
But in the meantime, here's a clip of Awesome E and Chase Utley breaking Action News' face off:

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Awesome Emma On the Red Carpet! A MEGA-AMAZING PICTURE POST

Hey there kids. ZWR, of Zoo With Roy- the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies ace Roy Halladay (you can check us out online at here. But I think it may be better to just start referring to this as the place where Awesome Emma works. I mean, she kind of is the best and in tight with the major Philadelphia-area athlete/celebrity circuit.

Case in point was last night's The Hamels Foundation Diamonds and Denim event. Actually, I'm just going to shut my big dumb face and post the pictures because they're going to asplode your brain. Note: Sources at the event, and Emma's mom, tell me that AE was everyone's favorite.

Stage = Set

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Dom Brown Hose Report, by @meechone

by Mike Meech

We interrupt your regularly scheduled nonsense...

Dom Brown Hose Report
Official over-sized intro graphic of the Dom Brown Hose Report

PHILADELPHIA, PA (MM) -- Domonic Brown, the oft-criticized outfielder for the Philadelphia Phillies, was detained at the roundhouse in Center City last night after unleashing what police believed to be "a cannon or some powerful cannon-like device" in right field at Citizens Bank Park, nearly killing backup catcher Brian Schneider, and leaving tens of thousands of fans screaming in horror.

According to reports, Dom pretended to lose a popup in the lights off the bat of Bruce, allowing him to reach third base with one out in the top of the fourth inning. Then, in what witnesses called the most blatant violation of Pennsylvania firearms laws they have ever seen, Mr. Brown caught a pop fly off the bat of Todd Frazier, drew his weapon, and fired a baseball towards home plate that left a tagging Jay Bruce out by an estimated fifteen feet.

"At first, when he dropped the popup, I was hysterically laughing," said Bruce, recalling a similar gaffe he made in Game 2 of the 2010 NLDS that cost the Reds the game. "Then, I realized afterward he was just setting me up for further embarrassment. It was completely unfair, baseballs don't travel that fast or accurately when released from the arm of another human being. I demand an investigation into the matter."

But Jay Bruce wasn't the only skeptic. "That was some Mega Man Mega Blaster [stuff]," Reds shortstop Zack Cozart told reporters after the game, referring to the popular video game character who uses an arm cannon to fire at enemies. Another eye witness, Kyle L., a self-proclaimed expert from the Main Line was also dubious of the play, "I wasn't really watching the game because I had invoices to take care of, but afterward I looked on Twitter and saw everyone talking about Dom Brown's hose and since he's a big disappointment and probably lazy, it doesn't surprise me that he'd go to these lengths to cheat and gain an advantage over the scrappy, play-the-right-way guys like Hunter Pence."

ZWR has obtained footage of the incident, which the league will surely look into after checking Dom's testosterone levels. For now, though, Domonic will be allowed to stay with the team and play in games until an investigation has been concluded. He was released from jail this morning on his own recognizance.

[Official Investigation footage, exhibit A]:


But wait, there's a bonus photoshop!!!!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

ZWR World Exclusive: John Mayberry Jr. Takes Batting Practice

ZWR has exclusively obtained the following clip of John Mayberry working hard in the cages. I swear this is totally real and not fake at all.

John Mayberry not Sarah Baicker

Fred McGriff approves:

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (8.20.12 v the Reds)

It's easy to notice that part of what makes Roy Halladay so great is his natural ability to inspire within others bursts of the fulgurant, redemptive successes. Just because it's easy to see doesn't make it any less impressive, mind you.

Getty, yo

With the cutter's sails full and its bow aimed directly at third place, it was a breathtaking journey for the entire crew last night. Scott Rolen was booed loudly. Wilson Valdez was cheered wildly. And Roy sparked our heroes to a 15 hit, 12 run performance that included a mammoth Ryan Howard homerun and a Domonic Brown go-ahead 2-run double. Of particular note was the impact that catching HLHIII had on catcher Eric Kratz. As if each pitch was a transfer of brilliance, Kratz absorbed enough to go 2-2 with a walk, a home run, and two runs batted in. After the game, he noted "I love Roy Halladay's face so much".

"Yeah but what was the line, ZWR?!"

What's in a line? He won the game. He excelled. He raised spirits! He brought joy! None of these is captured in a line.


P'Shaw, indeed.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Positional Breakdown: Tonight's Eagles v. Patriots Battle

Hey there folks, internet message board pretend football scout here to dig deep and analyze the trench battles (and aerial warfare) on hand tonight in a rematch of every time we’ve lost to the Patriots for the last eight years.

Quarterback: If you’re like me, you were very intrigued when the Eagles brought in Trent Edwards to compete with Mike Kafka for a spot behind Mike Vick. Then things went even more haywire when they drafted Nick Foles (who I think has a little Tom Brady in him). With Edwards, you have elite mechanics and a veteran presence. Kafka is wise beyond his years and knows the game. Foles, well, is special. He’s locked into a spot. So let’s see what the decorated Edwards can do to try and wrestle a spot from Kafka. This is a heck of a predicament for the Eagles to be in, and a tribute to Howie Roseman. I expect big things from the Birds’ passers tonight against a questionable NE secondary.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Look on the Bright Side

The Definitive Stance On This J-Roll Situation

 After watching this, you'll never doubt whether Jimmy Rollins' has capital-h Hustle ever again.



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Roy Halladay's Candid Thoughts on Greg Dobbs

I can't say I disagree.

There's a New Sheriff in Town

I'm gonna tell you something, Cholly, and I want you to listen tight. May sound like I'm talkin' about me. But I'm not. I'm talkin' about you. Might be, I'm talkin' about all people everywhere. When I came down here to this town, I was lookin' for somethin'. I didn't know what. Seems like you added up my life and I spent it all either stompin' other men or, in some cases, gettin' stomped. Had me some money and had me some medals. But none of it seemed a lifetime worth of the pain of the mother that bore me. It was like I was empty.

Well, I ain't anymore. That's what's important, to feel useful in this old world, to hit a lick against what's wrong or to say a word for what's right even though you get walloped for sayin' that word. Now I may sound like a Bible beater yellin' up a revival at a river crossing camp meeting, but that don't change the truth none. 

There's right and there's wrong. You got to do one or the other. You do the one and you're livin'. You do the other and you may be walkin' around, but you're dead as a beaver hat. I don't intend to be no beaver hat, understood? There's a new lawman in town, so you spread that word far and you spread it wide. You spread it to every whisky hall and every storekeep and to every man, woman and God-fearing child in this hopeless town. Tell 'em things have changed.

Tell 'em Sheriff K. Rodney Kendrick sent you.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Cole Hamels' Monday Performance "By The Numbers"

Figure 1

Here at ZWR we're well known for, if nothing else, our groundbreaking approach to objective statistical analysis. However, from time to time a performance on the field is so complete in its devastation of the opposing team that we like to have a little laugh and highlight some of the more obscure, "fun" elements of an individual performance.

So with a sly tip of the cap towards our pals at Cole Hamels Facts, ZWR now presents the August 14 edition of the Zoo With Roy Phunphacts Statpack:

ZWR editor-in-chief and lead statistician "Rick"
  • 108% of Hamels first pitches were strikes
  • According to Pitchtrax, Cole only threw one ball inside the entire game
  • You have to go back to 1974 to find the last time a team from Florida was shut out at home by a southpaw
  • One rival NL executive told me by phone after the game, “Yeah, I mean, that’s great and all, but he’s still fake tough.”

  • Never before has a left-handler with a reality TV star wife shutout a team with an aquarium behind home plate while a rover was on Mars collecting rocks while being piloted by a Phillies fan
  • So emotionally devastating was Cole Hamels’ performance last night to the Marlins’ franchise that Giancarlo Cruz-Michael Stanton couldn’t even be bothered to attend a strip club “for his knee rehab” after the game

    Figure 2

  • Moved nearly to tears by teammate Hamels’ dominance, forever-rookie Domonic Brown was quoted in the clubhouse, “Aww man.”

  • Soon-to-be Daily News beat writer Ryan Lawrence spent enough time away from making awful jokes on Twitter to see anywhere from seven to nine of Hamels’ pitches, a season high!
  • By Gamescore, last night’s was the best start ever by a non-Halladay human

    Figure 3

  • As demonstrated in Figures 1-3, Cole Hamels broke all the Fan Graphs*
  • NL East sources indicated after the game that Stephen Strasburg caught the highlights of Cole Hamels’ performance on Monday night and decided to just give up on 2012
  • Monday marked the most broken faces in one night in Dade County since that naked guy was high on bath salts. The most recent incident before that occurred on May 29, 2010
  • Phils pitching coach Rich Dubee confirmed just prior to the game that Hamels’ pitch count was “LOL”.

  • Eric Kratz became the first player to catch a complete game shutout by a former World Series MVP after having started his summer making Sizzlis at Wawa
  • Kratz is the fourth tri-state area Wawa employee who has proven to be better than Brian Schneider at baseball this year
  • One AL Scout marvelled, “I didn’t even take notes, bro.”

    so drunk

  • Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria spent the affair eating caviar-stuffed truffles (the authentic French ones, not the Chinese imports) in a 2,000 gallon scuba tank filled with imported Fijan rain water and what he called, “lots of those dumb little Nemo fish.” One economist notes that this cost Dade County taxpayers upwards of $847K, though the expense was listed in the stadium bill negotiations.

    *Exhibit B:


Monday, August 13, 2012

Roy Dominates the Olympics- Closing Ceremony Edition

Underscore Matt is back with one final installment of his photopictoralimagegraphic series chronicling Roy's dominance of the XXXth Summer Olympiad. Frankly, the work speaks for itself (also, I didn't watch any of the gibberish last night so I don't really have any helpful commentary to add I mean I love the Olympics but never can get into the closing ceremonies it is what it is don't judge).



Saturday, August 11, 2012

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (8.10.12 v. Carlos Beltran)

Executive Summary
Roy Halladay dominated for eight innings and allowed only two hits while the Phillies won in exciting fashion thanks to a longgggg eighth inning homerun from Chase Utley and Papelbon did his dancing bear highwire routine for the save. Roy is back to being Roy, everyone, just like we knew he would be.

Here's the line, donkeys:
8 ip, 2 hits, 1 earned run, 8 strikeouts, zero fargling walks. Is there any doubt that Roy will now probably finish the season with a however-many-starts-he-has-left complete game shutout streak? Nope.

Perhaps more importantly though, we developed a new catchphrase:

99 pitches but a something something blah blah unh hit me

Bonus Blogger-Bolger Nonsense
Also, it was pretty great when the Cardinals didn't have any other hits off of Roy after Mayor Burnsy's foolish tweet below and then I threw it back in his face after Roy threw 8 one-run innings, and then LOLOLOL--best of all!--Carlos Beltran went and LOLOLOLOL got picked off by the old "fake to throw to third throw back to first move" that literally no one in the history of baseball has ever been fooled by in order to make the third out in the ninth and seal the Phillies victory. LOL what a space cadet. Thanks, Burnsy!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


With dozens of NASA employees looking on and online viewers tuning in from across the country, engineer Allen Chen delivered two words ­Sunday night he won’t soon forget. 
“Touchdown confirmed,” Chen announced shortly after 10:30 p.m. West Coast time, as those gathered in a Pasadena, Calif., control room burst into celebration.
Curiosity, the space program’s $2.6 billion rover, had landed on Mars.

The touchdown capped an eight-month flight and a decade of work for Chen, a graduate of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who led the team responsible for landing the rover.

Wow, Allen Chen must be pretty awesome, huh? OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA:

HAHAHAHAHA THAT'S RIGHT! The Flight Dynamics and Operations Lead for the Mars Science Laboratory Entry, Descent, and Landing team- the donkey who announced Curiosity's successful landing ON FARGLING MARS- is a member of Donkey Nation!

brb high-fiving myself for the next five hours.

More, Astonishing Curiosity Imagery

If you're anything at all like me you've been fascinated by the stuff coming from the Curiosity Rover. Super cool, right?! True story: When I was in the seventh grade my yearbook bio said that I was going to be an astronomer. If only I knew celebrity bolgger was in the cards... but I digress.

If you're even more like me (congrats!), you have a keen interest in anything Phillies/Roy Halladay related. True story: I run the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay (check it out online at These interests intersect upon close inspection of one of the rover's recent captures (which, it warrants noting, came on an HLHIII off-day):

Always working

Monday, August 6, 2012

Curiosity Lands on Mars - August 6, 2012

The LA Times has the story:

"Curiosity, the largest and most advanced spacecraft ever sent to another planet, stuck its extraordinary landing Sunday night in triumphant and flawless fashion, and is poised to begin its pioneering, two-year hunt for the building blocks of life — signs that Earth's creatures may not be not alone in the universe.

NASA's $2.5-billion mission involved the work of more than 5,000 people from 37 states, some of whom had labored for 10 years to hear the two words that Al Chen, a Jet Propulsion Laboratory engineer, said inside mission control at 10:32 p.m.: “Touchdown confirmed.”
Chen reported that Curiosity was in a “nice flat place,” and as icing on the cake, the spacecraft sent home thumbnail photographs of itself. Officials had said earlier in the day that photographs were possible but unlikely.
Curiosity responded by immediately delivering a series of images."

Roy Halladay & Chase Utley Dominate the Olympics, Version Whatever

This weekend's excitement was too much for Matt, so he fired up the old Photoshop machine and sent in these gems. YAY MATT!

It looks like Roy had him...

So Chase doesn't care about sharing lanes. He just chases dudes down. Like a gazelle. On stilts. He's friends* with Roy, so I felt he could be included.

zOMG yes please

In case you missed them (dude srsly?):
First installment.

*I'd like to think that they are all friends. Hugs for you. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (8.4.12 v the Coyotes)

Good morning, sunshine. Beautiful morning down there at the shore, isn't it? You managed to pick up the breakfast sandwiches without hearing anyone talking in passing about last night's game; it is pretty early. You didn't even see the Inquirer. That's okay, though, because now you're settled in on the front deck with your pork roll, egg & cheese and cup of coffee. And I've got the news for you: 


Yes, it was beautiful. Roy dissecting fools, painting corners, and straight breaking faces. CLINICAL. He is, after all, Doc. (Sorry about that- it was awful but I'm leaving it in case some lazy, vanilla twelvity billion dollar national media entity finds it endearing and wants to buy the bolg because it thinks me clever. Don't judge, cherries are expensive.) 


I smiled. Here you go: 7 IP, 3 H, 1 BB (ump was being a butt), 5 K (1C, 4SC), W. Roy also delivered via video a pep talk to the US Olympic swimming team that led directly to Michael Phelps winning his 18th gold medal and the women setting a new world record in the medley relay.

Speaking of hard work and dedication, I see you're about to attack that half a sandwich the boy didn't want. Get some, baby. You need fuel for bodysurfing later. BEACH BOD. 

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