Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Cole Hamels' Monday Performance "By The Numbers"

Figure 1

Here at ZWR we're well known for, if nothing else, our groundbreaking approach to objective statistical analysis. However, from time to time a performance on the field is so complete in its devastation of the opposing team that we like to have a little laugh and highlight some of the more obscure, "fun" elements of an individual performance.

So with a sly tip of the cap towards our pals at Cole Hamels Facts, ZWR now presents the August 14 edition of the Zoo With Roy Phunphacts Statpack:

ZWR editor-in-chief and lead statistician "Rick"
  • 108% of Hamels first pitches were strikes
  • According to Pitchtrax, Cole only threw one ball inside the entire game
  • You have to go back to 1974 to find the last time a team from Florida was shut out at home by a southpaw
  • One rival NL executive told me by phone after the game, “Yeah, I mean, that’s great and all, but he’s still fake tough.”

  • Never before has a left-handler with a reality TV star wife shutout a team with an aquarium behind home plate while a rover was on Mars collecting rocks while being piloted by a Phillies fan
  • So emotionally devastating was Cole Hamels’ performance last night to the Marlins’ franchise that Giancarlo Cruz-Michael Stanton couldn’t even be bothered to attend a strip club “for his knee rehab” after the game

    Figure 2

  • Moved nearly to tears by teammate Hamels’ dominance, forever-rookie Domonic Brown was quoted in the clubhouse, “Aww man.”

  • Soon-to-be Daily News beat writer Ryan Lawrence spent enough time away from making awful jokes on Twitter to see anywhere from seven to nine of Hamels’ pitches, a season high!
  • By Gamescore, last night’s was the best start ever by a non-Halladay human

    Figure 3

  • As demonstrated in Figures 1-3, Cole Hamels broke all the Fan Graphs*
  • NL East sources indicated after the game that Stephen Strasburg caught the highlights of Cole Hamels’ performance on Monday night and decided to just give up on 2012
  • Monday marked the most broken faces in one night in Dade County since that naked guy was high on bath salts. The most recent incident before that occurred on May 29, 2010
  • Phils pitching coach Rich Dubee confirmed just prior to the game that Hamels’ pitch count was “LOL”.

  • Eric Kratz became the first player to catch a complete game shutout by a former World Series MVP after having started his summer making Sizzlis at Wawa
  • Kratz is the fourth tri-state area Wawa employee who has proven to be better than Brian Schneider at baseball this year
  • One AL Scout marvelled, “I didn’t even take notes, bro.”

    so drunk

  • Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria spent the affair eating caviar-stuffed truffles (the authentic French ones, not the Chinese imports) in a 2,000 gallon scuba tank filled with imported Fijan rain water and what he called, “lots of those dumb little Nemo fish.” One economist notes that this cost Dade County taxpayers upwards of $847K, though the expense was listed in the stadium bill negotiations.

    *Exhibit B:



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