Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Phillies High: Shane Moves to California

by Danger Guerrero

[Scene: In the Phillies High cafeteria, where Chase Utley, Carlos Ruiz, Cole Hamels, and Jimmy Rollins are eating lunch]


Jimmy Rollins: ... oh man, Cole, now that your family hit the lottery, we are going to do BIG THINGS, playa. Bouncin' in the club when the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn...

Chase Utley: Stop singing.

Jimmy Rollins: Me and Cole are going to Miami, beep beep boop beep a Miami. Hey Chooch, what does that part mean, anyway?

Carlos Ruiz: They say "Bienvenido a Miami." It mean "Welconn to Miami."

Jimmy Rollins: Aw snap, SOUTH BEACH SWAG.

Cole Hamels: We're not going to Miami, Jimmy. My parents have invested the money sensibly in a number of long-term, low-risk annuiti-

Jimmy Rollins: [undeterred] And the honeys? OH THE HONEYS. Two words, Cole: Yacht party, Diddy style.

Cole Hamels: That's four wor-

Jimmy Rollins: [excitedly throwing his arm around Carlos Ruiz] Just think about it, Chooch. You and me in a hot tub on Cole's yacht with Mandy and Candy Peffercorn, butlers bringing us fancy snacks, matching Versace trunks and swimmies, THE LIFE.

Carlos Ruiz: Si. DE LIFE.

Chase Utley: Will you idiots stop it? Can't you see this whole school is falling apart right in front of our faces? [picks up Geometry book, Geometry book turns to dust in hands] Maybe Cole's family should think about putting some of that money back into the community before you start planning a yacht party.

Cole Hamels: We're not having a yacht par-

Chase Utley: And Chooch, you're the school's best student. I expect more from you.

Carlos Ruiz: ... But Shase ... de honeys...

Jimmy Rollins: [slaps Chooch on the back] MY MAN. YACHTS.

Chase Utley: [grunts disappointedly, continues eating lunch] [is wearing batting gloves for no apparent reason]

[Shane Victorino walks up to the table holding his tray and singing quietly]

Shane Victorino: ...andi'lltakewithmethememoriestobemysunshineaftertheraaaaaaaaaaHeyGuys.

Carlos Ruiz: Ay Chane, why do you look so sad?

Shane Victorino: [sighs]

Jimmy Rollins: Yeah playboy, what's the matter? Your parents confiscate your Fun Dip again?

Shane Victorino: NoIt'sWorseWayWorse... ... ... MyParentsAreSendingMeToBoardingSchoolInCalifornia.

[Everyone drops their sporks and looks at Shane in disbelief]

Shane Victorino: YeahTheySaidThisSchoolIsn'tGoodEnoughAnymoreSoIHaveToGoToDodgersPrep.

Cole Hamels: Oh no, when are you leaving? At the end of the year?

Shane Victorino: NoMyParentsAreSuperPissedSoIHaveToLeaveTonight.

All: [in unison] TONIGHT?

Shane Victorino: YeahI'mSoSadIDon'tWannaGoI'mGonnaMissYouGuys. IHaveToGetOnAPlaneByMyselfAndEverythingI'mKindaScaredWhatAmIGonnaDo?

Chase Utley: You're gonna pull it together, that's what you're gonna do.

Shane Victorino: ButHowIDon'tWannaGoHeyLookAWolfWaitNoIt'sJustMyBackpack.

Jimmy Rollins: [sniffling] Oh man, this is not swag. This is not swag. Oh man.

Chase Utley: Everyone relax. Shane, we knew this coming. Your parents have been talking about this for a while.

Shane Victorino: YeahButIDidn'tThinkTheyWereSerious...

Chase Utley: Look, it sucks. It sucks a lot. But we can dwell on the bad and mope around the rest of the day, or we can choose to remember the good times we all had together.

Carlos Ruiz: Oh man, like de time we won de state title

Chase Utley: Exactly. How bout this? Let's all meet at Cole's house after school today -- the whole gang -- and watch the state title video again. We'll make it a party.

Cole Hamels: I dunno, Chase. I don't think my parents will like having all those people over on such short notic-

Jimmy Rollins: A party? AW YEAH.

Chase Utley: Yeah, we'll all get together one last time, then Chooch and I will drive you to the airport to send you off. Sound good?

Shane Victorino: OhManYouGuysAreTheBestLet'sDoIt.

[After an afternoon full of laughs and memories, the time comes to leave. Chase and Chooch drive Shane to the airport. Shane is so scared that he has brought his Chompasaurus stuffed animal with him, and is clutching it tightly in the passenger seat for the whole ride.They pull up to the tarmac where the plane Dodgers Prep has chartered for Shane is located, and exit the car.]

Steward: May I take your bags, sir.

Shane Victorino: YesYouMayTakeMyBagsTheyAreTheOnesInTheTrunkWithRocketshipsDrawnOnThem.

Steward: May I take your toy, as well?

Shane Victorino: [clutches Chompasaurus tighter] ThisIsNotAToyThisIsAChompasaurusHeIsMeanAndViciousAndYouCan'tHaveHim.

Chase Utley: Shane... what did we talk about?

Shane Victorino: [sheepishly, kicking dirt] NotBeingAF-ckingP-ssy.

Chase Utley: And what are you doing right now?

Shane Victorino: [still not making eye contact] BeingAF-ckingP-ssy?

Chase Utley: So what are you going to do?

Shane Victorino: [mumbling] GiveTheManMyChompasaurus... 

Chase Utley: [nods, raises eyebrows]

[Shane Victorino hands the steward his Chompasaurus while Chase Utley makes sure all the flight information is correct. Twenty minutes pass, and the time for departure arrives. Shane Victorino begins protesting.]

Shane Victorino: WhatIfIDon'tGo? WhatIfIStayHereWithYouGuysAndWeAllGoFishingEverySaturdayAndEatIceCreamAndStayFriendsForever?

Chase Utley: Shane...

Shane Victorino: ICouldLiveOnCole'sYachtAndInviteEveryoneOverForKaraokeAndEverything.

Chase Utley: That's not going to happen.

Shane Victorino: Why? 

Chase Utley: Because you're getting on that plane

Shane Victorino: ButChaseIDon'tUnderstandWhatAboutYouGuys?

Chase Utley: Chooch and I are staying here. And you're getting on that plane with your Chompasaurus, where you belong.

Shane Victorino: ButChaseNo...I...I...

Chase Utley: You've got to listen to me. Do you have any idea what you'd be looking forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten we'd all end up going to community college. Isn't that true, Chooch? 

Carlos Ruiz: Si.

Shane Victorino: You'reOnlySayingThatToMakeMeGo.

Chase Utley: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us we both know you belong with your Chompasaurus. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.

Shane Victorino: No.

Chase Utley: Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Shane Victorino: ButWhatAboutPhilliesHigh?

Chase Utley: We'll always have the state title. We didn't have it, we'd lost it until the party at Cole's house. We got it back this afternoon.

Shane Victorino: ButISaidIWouldNeverLeaveYouGuys...

Chase Utley: And you never will. But we've got a job to do, too. Where we're going, you can't follow. What we've got to do, you can't be any part of. Shane, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two high school students and a stuffed Chompasaurus don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Not now.

Shane Victorino: [eyes well up with tears, looks down]

Chase Utley: [lifts Shane's chin] Here's lookin' at you, Hawaiian.

[Shane Victorino boards plane, and waves goodbye from his window seat as it speeds down the runway]

Carlos Ruiz: Wha now, Shase? With Chane gone, what are we going to do? We haff no owfielders leff...

Chase Utley: I don't know, pal. I really don't know.

Carlos Ruiz: [long pause] You wann me to heet you grounders?

Chase Utley: Chooch, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

[Hours later, Shane's plane lands in sunny Southern California. He is greeted at the airport by Headmaster Mattingly of Dodgers Prep.]

Headmaster Mattingly: Hi Shane, I'm Headmaster Mattingly. It's a pleasure to meet you. We're all looking forward to having you join us at Dodgers Prep.

Shane Victorino: HiHeadmasterMattinglyHeyGuessWhatPlanesAreWeirdDoesYourSchoolHaveMonkeyBars?

Headmaster Mattingly: What? Uh, yes. There's a large playground adjacent to the school.

Shane Victorino: [hands bags to Headmaster Mattingly] OkayCoolLet'sGoIWannaDoFlips.


  1. Here's lookin' at you, Hawaiian.


  2. Ugh, got to Chompasaurus and had to stop reading due to tears.

    1. Chompasaurus killed me too :(

    2. Okay, I finished it. And then I went back and read the one where Hunter Pence arrives at Phillies High and cried some more. Might as well wallow once I've got the tissues handy.

  3. Not the least bit ashamed to say I teared up a bit. Gonna miss that goofball.

  4. This is sooo how it would've actually happened...Shane...what did we talk about? NotbeingA...hilarious and so sad.

  5. Well done. Phillies High is ZWR's best segment

  6. Is wearing batting gloves for no apparent reason...OMG!

  7. "...I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two high school students and a stuffed Chompasaurus don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world."
    Wiser words were never spoken....

  8. Casablanca theme is BRILLIANT.

  9. *slow clap*
    Bravo Sir.

  10. Well done. Bittersweet.

  11. I wish I could give the poor guy a noogie.

  12. Whoever said there was no crying in baseball clearly did not see this coming...

  13. This was exactly how I hoped Shane's goodbye would go. It's the goodbye Shane deserves, not the one he needs.

  14. Damn you for making it dusty in my office.

  15. Unbelievable. Tears from reading a comedy segment. Well done Danger. Well done.

  16. Hunter Pence doesn't get a post. Classic.

  17. Oh Shane...this was fitting send off...missing our ADD Hawaiian already :(

  18. Snif...sniff...Whhhhhaaaaaaah. Sure will miss you Shane ;(

  19. Bring it in here everybody... I could sure use a hug...

  20. ...sob...I want a do-over on this trade.

  21. OhShaneIWillMissYouAndChompasaurusSoMuchIAmSadNowHaveFunOnTheMonkeyBarsAtDodgersPrep.

  22. Awwww...Come back, Shane!!!

  23. Tears welled up... :(

  24. I have sellers remorse. COME BACK, SHANE! WE WERE ONLY FUNNIN' WITH YA! *sobbing uncontrollably*

  25. I am literally crying. And i am not trolling right now.


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