by Mike Meech
We interrupt your regularly scheduled nonsense...
![]() |
Official over-sized intro graphic of the Dom Brown Hose Report |
PHILADELPHIA, PA (MM) -- Domonic Brown, the oft-criticized outfielder
for the Philadelphia Phillies, was detained at the roundhouse in Center
City last night after unleashing what police believed to be "a cannon or
some powerful cannon-like device" in right field at Citizens Bank Park,
nearly killing backup catcher Brian Schneider, and leaving tens of
thousands of fans screaming in horror.
According to reports, Dom pretended to lose a popup in the lights
off the bat of Bruce, allowing him to reach third base with one out in
the top of the fourth inning. Then, in what witnesses called the most
blatant violation of Pennsylvania firearms laws they have ever seen, Mr.
Brown caught a pop fly off the bat of Todd Frazier, drew his weapon,
and fired a baseball towards home plate that left a tagging Jay Bruce
out by an estimated fifteen feet.
"At first, when he dropped the popup, I was hysterically laughing,"
said Bruce, recalling a similar gaffe he made in Game 2 of the 2010 NLDS
that cost the Reds the game. "Then, I realized afterward he was just
setting me up for further embarrassment. It was completely unfair,
baseballs don't travel that fast or accurately when released from the
arm of another human being. I demand an investigation into the matter."
But Jay Bruce wasn't the only skeptic. "That was some Mega Man Mega
Blaster [stuff]," Reds shortstop Zack Cozart told reporters after the
game, referring to the popular video game character who uses an arm
cannon to fire at enemies. Another eye witness, Kyle L., a
self-proclaimed expert from the Main Line was also dubious of the play,
"I wasn't really watching the game because I had invoices to take care
of, but afterward I looked on Twitter and saw everyone talking about Dom
Brown's hose and since he's a big disappointment and probably lazy, it
doesn't surprise me that he'd go to these lengths to cheat and gain an
advantage over the scrappy, play-the-right-way guys like Hunter Pence."
ZWR has obtained footage of the incident, which the league will
surely look into after checking Dom's testosterone levels. For now,
though, Domonic will be allowed to stay with the team and play in games
until an investigation has been concluded. He was released from jail
this morning on his own recognizance.
[Official Investigation footage, exhibit A]:
![]() |
Jay Bruce: CANNON HOSED |
But wait, there's a bonus photoshop!!!!
Get the door, it's Domin-hose
ReplyDeleteOf course the Kyle jab. Love.
ReplyDeleteAs Schneider makes the tag: http://www.mmhp.net/Sounds/MM2Death.wav
ReplyDeleteThat Kyle L fellow sure sounds like a reasonable and high-minded individual.
ReplyDeleteDo you think he has any tips on how to speak to and interact with women?
This Meech guy is pretty funny. He should start a blog.
ReplyDeleteI agree unfortunatley I don't think he is that motivated...
DeleteListen, Mega Man ain't got nutin on my hose, ya hurd? Holla back son..
ReplyDeleteMeech is so jealous of Kyle it's unbelievable. He can't even write a silly blog post without mentioning his name.
ReplyDeleteThe jab at Kyle was pretty accurate and funny. Almost reads-his-blog accurate...
ReplyDelete