Wednesday, September 26, 2012

An Impassioned Plea to the Phillies to Shut Roy Halladay Down for the Season

Hi there the Phillies, it's me, ZWR, of I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay, the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with your ace pitcher Roy Halladay (visit us online at

What I'm respectfully submitting this morning, spoken on behalf of Donkey Nation, baseball fans, and common sense is an appeal to do the intellectually honest and humane thing (however paradoxically unimaginable it may seem in light of HLH's heroic nature): shut Roy Halladay down for the season. End it. Seriously. There are three main arguments that have led me to this conclusion, which I'll detail below.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Fun with Dan Baker, a @cranekicker Exclusive

Hello fans.

If you follow my Twitter you already know that I like to post random stuff sometimes (a lot) and well sometimes it's pretty much out of left field (outer space). If you don't follow my Twitter please start living right.

So anyway this exchange happened today...

 ...and then I got an email from the best dude Dan Roche and well I'll let "Dan Baker" take it from here.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Saturday, September 22, 2012

ZWR In the Wild, Beardface Edition

ZWR enthusiast Gabi is avante-garde. As his Twitter profile details, the G-Man enjoys thinking, designing, developing, and creating. But yeah more importantly this donkey was at last night's Phillies victory with the coolest person* in the ballpark! Yup, that's Mrs. Gabi's wife (whose name he thinkingly creatively didn't tell me (smdh)) in the ever-adorable "Hi" tee.

Wow, that layers perfectly and even goes with retro caps. What a great shirt, ZWR!


* Besides Roy Halladay ... and Chooch

Friday, September 21, 2012

The Phillies Honor Chipper Jones

WHEREAS, baseball is a sport imbued with pursuit of athletic excellence

WHEREAS, said excellence shall not be disrupted by adventures otherwise

WHEREAS, the balance of achievement is no balance, merely unmatched victory in varied venues (be they sport or sports bar)

WHEREAS, we as an organization operating within and serving a like-minded society value opportunities to reflect upon instances of greatness

WHEREAS, boobies

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Ruben Amaro, Jr., do hereby recognize September 21, CHIPPER JONES APPRECIATION DAY in our CITY OF PHILADELPHIA, and I call this observance to the attention of all our citizens

Before/Bephore, by Lee Porter

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: “A man walks into a bar …” You’ve heard that one? How about this one: “A man walks into a bar … in Philadelphia on Sunday, September 21, 2008.”

The bar’s walls are covered with a good dozen large flat screen televisions and Eagles and Flyers memorabilia. It’s a Sunday in the fall, so, of course, football is of interest to Philly and non-Philly fans alike. A man (who we’ll call “The Phan”) purposefully arrives early, around three o’clock, to save a table with a good view of a television.

“Which television is the Phillies game going to be on?” The Phan asks.

“The Phillies?” The bartender looks The Phan up and down. “Are you serious?”

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Best Jurassic Park/Tom McCarthy Mashup Video You'll See Today

You guys should watch this video and admire it because it's pretty awesome.

Thanks to Nick on the Twitters via Lindsey? I dunno. But thanks, guys!

You might also love! 

Esotericky Bottalico on Last Night's Thrilling Victory

Wow, what an ending! The Big Piece came through with a two out "BOMB DOT COM" (Fieri, 2008)  to sink the M_ts and, let's face it, it's always infinity more fun to beat them in ways sure to agonize. I mean, did you see how distraught all seventeen (that's 34 jort legs, yo) of the fans in attendance were?

You know who else enjoyed the festivities? ZWR's resident philosopher Esotericky Bottalico, who sent via bike messenger the following insights for inclusion on the popular website

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

ZWR In The Wild - #hartnelldown Edition

As was publicized last week on Zoo With Roy- the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies ace Roy Halladay (visit us online at the Hartnell Down foundation headed out to Iron Hill North Wales this past Saturday to pal around with the fine folks there... most importantly, of course, being my main squeeze Vince the Brewer.

Vince sent in the following picture, which gloriously places a classic, fashion-forward (wait is that possible?) ZWR tee right next to our boy Hartsy! Last time a penguin got that close to him he broke his face, mind you.

Wait but ZWR why is there some guy dressed like a monk or something wearing a bottle opener in place of a crucifix in this picture with an all-star NHL professional hockey player? 

Duh- they're also celebrating the bottling of Vince's award winning beer!!!

Mitka, Ivan, Alyosha, the Inquisitor

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Eagles Week Two Report Card

Another week, another win! And the only thing that can make basking in the glow of victory almost two days after it happened on a miserably rainy day better is reading Craney, Danger, that Giants dork, and the penguin's report card. Right, Papz? (Here's last week's)

thnx bro

Grade: When throwing the ball to the other team: wtF; When throwing to Eagles: A++
I don’t know how else to assess this. Mike Vick was amazing both passing and running, leading the Birds on another late game-winning drive. Amazing, of course, except for the six or seven times he tried to give the ball to the Ravens. Omitting the turnovers and near turnovers (each game-winning drive featured what could- and last year would- have been a game-ending turnover), he was dynamite. Also, he gets an extra “+” for not being a whining tardbutt like Joe Flacco.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Baking Tips with Ryne Sandberg

Happy Friday, donkeys! Ryne Sandberg is many things-a baseball legend as a player, a successful MiLB manager, a future Major League skipper, and ... a dessert master? Bet you didn't know that last one, but it's true! 

So you can imagine my delight when the Lehigh Valley IronPigs' "Top Chef" decided to share with us all some of his most prized baking tips: 

"Often folks will ask me if it's okay to use a boxed cake mix in preparing a dessert. The short answer is yes. There's more to it, though. You see, the mark of a good baker is being able to then think outside of that box. Going strictly on what you're told to do by some recipe book--what you've always been told to do--by what essentially amounts to a re-packaged relic is a recipe for failure. Taste, change, adapt. It's a simple process, but one that many older bakers (God love them) are afraid to adopt. Mix it up, for heaven's sake! You don't HAVE TO put the eggs in before the milk just because the book says so. The batter won't explode if you switch the order up, as long as what you're doing makes sound strategic sense. You know, for baking."

"And look, I'm not saying everyone doesn't love a good muffin, muffins are great! But the problem is that far too often the best muffin chefs want to be everyone's pal. I've got news for you! Baked goods don't need a best friend, they need an artiste. Far too many times I've seen a muffin chef go on a nice streak, whipping up batch after batch of delicious muffins, only to then ruin it all by leaving the next batch of muffins IN THE OVEN TOO LONG. And there's nothing that pains me more than watching a baker GO TO THE WELL WITH BLUEBERRY too often. You've got to use your brain!

That's why I've always said that cupcakes are where it's at for the true dessert craftsmen. More original, more pure. Far more skill is needed to properly manage a cupcake. It demands you demonstrate the craft you've committed your whole life to, and not just regurgitate directions from a book or box, slopping the same old ingredients in a baking tin night after night! You have to know just when to take cupcakes out so they're not too dry, AND how to properly decorate them so they perform at their optimal taste level."

"I love a good cookie. Who doesn't? Cookies are charming, old school, and have the ability to warm your heart. They provide comfort to the spoiled and undeserving alike because they're accessible and affable. But for real, folks, let's have a little pride in ourselves and just admit that a cookie is way too simple for the sophisticated palate of world's most deserving dessert fans!"


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Phils v. Astros Series Preview

LOL sike.

I can't even name a single player on the Astros. So here's a GIF of what you can expect from them (NO JINX). Actually, I have no idea if any of the dudes in this gif are even still Astros. But who cares! We're on the WILDCARD train, baby. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Go Phillies!

Leading the league in attempted punt blocks by a third baseman on a throw to first base
Mesmerizing, isn't it?

Heavier than expected turnout for Ed Wade bobblehead night

Esotericky Bottalico's Thoughts On Yesterday's Win

There's no shortage of baseball voices out there--some are even attached to minds. Yet still, here at Zoo With Roy--the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies ace and 2010 Cy Young Award winner Roy Halladay (check us out online at editorial staff stops at nothing to find for its audience the best and brightest study of the game.

It's a point of pride, frankly, and a nod to the readers that no matter how far outside the mainstream or challenging the purchase of understanding may be, I want it on these pages for donkey nation to digest. Like a stromboli. As such, introduced-ish, I give to you ...


Wednesday, September 12, 2012


It's gametime. CLIFF LEE is on the mound. The Phillies are in hail mary, hair-on-fire, desperate push for the playoffs high wire mode. Feels good, right?

This clip sent in by ZWR enthusiast Nicole sums it up:

We got this. Ain't that right, Kratzy?

See, told ya.

#HartnellDown Event at Iron Hill North Wales. Meet @Hartsy19 and @VinceTheBrewer!

ohai Scott Hartnell!

Best pal of the bolg Vince the Brewer is at it again. This Saturday, September 15, he's hosting Scott Hartnell at Iron Hill North Wales. They'll be bottling some of Vince's award-winning Grand Inquisitor beer and generally hanging out, mingling, and being the awesome dudes that they are. Word on the streets is that Vince bet Hartnell he couldn't eat fourteen orders of cheese steak egg rolls.

Most importantly, 19% of all sales at Iron Hill North Wales that day will be donated towards Scott's Hartnell Down Foundation.

If you can swing it, please stop by and support Vince, Hartnell Down, and Iron Hill Brewery! If you can't, your life must rock because hanging out with Flyers while drinking beer sounds pretty fargling great to me.

Via Philly Foobooz here 
and Beer Advocate here

And not that you actually needed additional motivation, but Vince has also put up the stromboli signal!!

(Also, and I don't want to brag or anything, but I've had said beer back in the super-secret bolg celebrity brewing/tasting lounge and it's awesome) 

Bonus GIF of Scott breaking Sean Avery's face!!


Last night I tweeted this:

So then this donkey replied

And thus was born the majesty that is...

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Eagles Week One Report Card

Starring: Zoo With Roy, Danger Guerrero, Cranekicker and Bobby Big Wheel

This never happens!

It’s another season of totally hilarious and frustrating Eagles football! Back this season (they never left our hearts) to pick apart each week's efforts are Danger Guerrero and Crane Kicker. In addition, please give a warm (cold) welcome to Bobby Big Wheel, who will be playing the role of humourous outside commentator and Giants heel this season. Yeah, he's a stupid Giants fan. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Grade: D
Good news: Eagles win and Mike Vick drives the length of the field to win in the fourth quarter, so I can’t go F, even if I kind of want to go F? Bad news: It looks like it might basically be 2011 all over again! At least six of Vick’s 56 (!!) beautiful pass attempts (no seriously--56!! He’s on pace for 896 this season) should have been intercepted and he generally looked like he’d never played the position professionally before. That is, when he wasn’t throwing frozen ropes for touchdowns. Argh, the whole thing is too maddening to even talk about. Let’s move on and pretend our next opponent isn’t the Baltimore Ravens.

Totally unrelated to this post, but you should still buy it

The Sheriff's Back ... With Perspective

K. Rodney Kendrick: I ain't like that no more. I ain't the same, Mike. Dubee, he straightened me up, cleared me of throwin' soft ones and all and now the only soft ones I throw are the ones that fake them other guys out, make 'em swing early. Just 'cause we're goin' on this killing, that don't mean I'm gonna go back to bein' the way I was. I just need the change-up, get a new start for them teammates. Mike, you remember that fella from Arizona I shot through the mouth and his teeth came out the back of his head? I think about him now and again. He didn't do anything to deserve to get shot, at least nothin' I could remember when I sobered up.

Michael Martinez: You were crazy, Kyle.

K. Rodney Kendrick: Yeah, no one liked me.

Eagles Week One Report Card, with Craney, Danger, and a surprise addition to our football staff.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Yahoo! Confirms What We Already Have Known About Roy Halladay

"Ryan Lawrence? Never heard of him."

In their groundbreaking investigative journalistic and no doubt soon-to-be-award-winning piece, "People Who Derp Worked Incredibly Hard to Succeed Derp", Yahoo! (or is it Business Insider? Or Yahoo! Finance? Who can tell.) goes about the painstaking task of listing the 10 hardest working people that ever lived.

And, needless to say, our muse is right near the top of the list (although there's no way Roy shouldn't ranked at least second if ask me, and I know you wanted to) along with other well known athletes and over-stressed/paid and greedy business executives. 

Lazy block quote! 
His former pitching coach told SI that when other pitchers attempted one of his workouts, none of them could complete half of it.

Well yeah, duh. Way to go, Yahoo! Business Insider Finance SEO content mill. Even if your top 10 list that requires me to view 11 pages just to see it all is bland and unoriginal, at least you got one thing right. Michael Jordan, pffft.

Thanks to Vince the Brewer for the tip.

"LOL we're going to change the connector on the iPhone 5 because we don't have all the money yet. Magic!"

Thursday, September 6, 2012

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (9.5.12 v the Reds)


Remember when everyone was all "omg Roy's cooked I mean look at him Blue Powerade won't even help his fastballs topping out at like 73 at this rate I expect his arm to fall off mid-August at the latest poor guy it was a nice run and all but..."? I do. That was adorable. Funny thing, though, about Roy Halladay when he's not trying to pitch with an injury: He breaks faces.

And he broke some more yesterday. The best offense in baseball's, to be specific.


Here you go: 7.1 IP, 1 (one) ER, ...


You presume correctly. Continuing: ... 1 BB, 5 K (3C, 2SC), **WIN**, 104 Pitches / 0 arms fallen off.

ZWR Stats dug into the season numbers, and if you remove the Atlanta and Milwaukee debacles the data point to HLH's basically being perfect in 2012. So take heart, dorks.

Awesome Emma Jimmy Rollins

Here's an Airborne gif I tweeted yesterday. Basically I do this every time they play in Cincinnati because I love this movie and have seen it roughly infinitytwelve times and it's perfect in every way look at Snake being all understanding and moving on!

Learn something, brah: 

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