Wednesday, September 26, 2012

An Impassioned Plea to the Phillies to Shut Roy Halladay Down for the Season

Hi there the Phillies, it's me, ZWR, of I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay, the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with your ace pitcher Roy Halladay (visit us online at

What I'm respectfully submitting this morning, spoken on behalf of Donkey Nation, baseball fans, and common sense is an appeal to do the intellectually honest and humane thing (however paradoxically unimaginable it may seem in light of HLH's heroic nature): shut Roy Halladay down for the season. End it. Seriously. There are three main arguments that have led me to this conclusion, which I'll detail below.

The first is that it's simply the right thing to do; Roy deserves better than to be thrown out there to pitch injured (BRO- he's injured) and get smacked around by a bunch of dorks like the Marlins. For serious, it is literally adding insult to injury. Not cool. This season has eaten roughly 417 butts, there's no reason to shame Roy in one last outing as butt number 418.

Second, it's not remotely worth the risk. You guys are a professional sports franchise, you presumably understand risk vs. reward analysis. The reward in finishing four games out of the second wild card spot is not worth the risk of one of your marquee players'- and an integral part of 2013's reclamation of glory- arm flying off as he throws a pitch to a September call-up in a meaningless game.

Don't you remember how awful that was when it happened to Jamie Moyer? Here, I'll remind you:

It stinks, but there's nothing left to claim this season. We need to regroup, retool, and come back fierce next year. Roy Halladay is a key component of said "fierce".

Lastly, HLHIII isn't going to sit out on his own. He's a warrior/cyborg/athletic sociopath. You don't win ZWR's prestigious Man of the Year Award twice without innate attributes normal human beings couldn't fathom being born with. Though, unfortunately, a downside of that scenario is you also don't know when to decline one battle to fight another day.

Matt Gelb resembles a Panda and his recent piece on the team's thought process on the matter notes:
If he demonstrates better mechanics and diminished pain from the spasm in his shoulder, he will start Saturday at Miami.
Wait what. Stop. DIMINISHED PAIN is inessential when you have five months of rest ahead, and SPASMS IN SHOULDER sounds scary. Seriously, dude, for real... just stop. Sit him. I can't believe we're even having this discussion.

*BRB, I'm going to smash my head against a desk.*


  1. Call Awesome Emma out for a special video plea, because it would be awesome.

  2. Motion carried? Granted. Roy is shutdown.
    (We can only hope so. It is the right thing to do)


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