Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Eagles Week One Report Card


Starring: Zoo With Roy, Danger Guerrero, Cranekicker and Bobby Big Wheel

This never happens!

It’s another season of totally hilarious and frustrating Eagles football! Back this season (they never left our hearts) to pick apart each week's efforts are Danger Guerrero and Crane Kicker. In addition, please give a warm (cold) welcome to Bobby Big Wheel, who will be playing the role of humourous outside commentator and Giants heel this season. Yeah, he's a stupid Giants fan. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Quarterback
ZWR
Grade: D
Good news: Eagles win and Mike Vick drives the length of the field to win in the fourth quarter, so I can’t go F, even if I kind of want to go F? Bad news: It looks like it might basically be 2011 all over again! At least six of Vick’s 56 (!!) beautiful pass attempts (no seriously--56!! He’s on pace for 896 this season) should have been intercepted and he generally looked like he’d never played the position professionally before. That is, when he wasn’t throwing frozen ropes for touchdowns. Argh, the whole thing is too maddening to even talk about. Let’s move on and pretend our next opponent isn’t the Baltimore Ravens.

Totally unrelated to this post, but you should still buy it


Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: Chopping Yourself In Half With a Samurai Sword
It was a very heartening performance from Michael Vick because he returned to his old habit of throwing perfect spirals to people wearing the other uniform. Oh, and he’s still taking open field hits, defying a presidential order. He should be arrested, again. Also, I could provide a counter to ZWR by noting that the distinction between a run and a pass has blurred as teams rely on increasingly accurate quarterbacks to throw short passes to their most explosive players in space, but instead LOL you suck.

CK
Grade: Tarvaris Jackson
The Cleveland Browns should cut that guy who dropped the interception in the end zone because if he knew how to catch a football with his hands the Browns would’ve won and the Eagles would’ve lost and I would’ve been eliminated in my suicide pool. LOL suck it, Saints fans. But seriously Mike Vick would do so bad at one of those Army training facilities where they storm the warehouse and then the bad guy targets pop out and then OH NO A LADY HOLDING A BABY DON’T SHOOT WHAT too late the entire warehouse is on fire now.


DG 
Grade: Butt 
YO MAYBE IF YOU’RE A QUARTERBACK WHO IS LIKE SIX FEET TALL MAX YOU SHOULDN’T THROW SIDEARM ALL THE TIME BECAUSE LINEMEN ARE GENERALLY HECKA TALL AND THEREFORE YOUR PASSES WILL EITHER DONK OFF THEIR FACES OR ZOOM UPWARDS TOWARDS THE MOON JUST A THOUGHT HERE TO HELP.

Running Back 
ZWR
Grade: A
Lesean McCoy should have run the ball at least 20 times yesterday. Wait, what, he did? No way, I refuse to believe that’s true. Well, whatever. Shady rules and should be given the ball a lot more than he was. Or something. I think?

Bobby Big Wheel 
Grade: Getting A Paper Cut From Your Acceptance Letter To Penn (you send your valedictorians to Penn and your meth heads to Villanova right?) (Editors note: ugh, wtf, who hired this donkey?)
Yeah McCoy looked shifty and shady and whatever else you call him but he still coughed up a fumble so trust me that will come back to haunt you, remember when Tiki Barber fumbled 3 times against you guys? I can’t believe we lost that game after David Akers hit a game winning kick. (Editors note: Bro he fumbled once last year, clearly you’re too haunted by your sickening Giants fandom)

CK 
Grade: B 
Not getting to see the Shady Touchdown Bounce leaves a lot to be desired but he still okie-doked a bunch of fools and also Bryce Brown got tackled for no gain at the goal line but he did not try to skyhook the ball into the end zone like Ronnie Brown so clearly we've upgraded at the backup position.


DG 
Grade: A 
One of my favorite Andy Reid things is when the Pass/Run ratio is like 80/20 and he keeps calling play action passes anyway, and all the linebackers just look at Mike Vick the way you looked at your dumb wiener neighbor when you were a kid and he told you he went to New York City and crawled into the sewer and met all the Ninja Turtles. You were full of sh-t, Adam. Everybody knew it.

Receivers 
ZWR
Grade: B
Maclin had a really good day despite leaving the field for injury at least 7 times just in the first half alone. After that I lost track. Desean had some catches, but honestly I’m too lazy to even look up the stats for this game. Clay Harbor caught ‘THE GAME WINNER’ and Brent Celek had some big catches in the second half. Demerit Thomas didn’t catch a huge bomb, which made me sad.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: Starting A Butts Tumblr Where You Post Pictures Of Butts
Your receivers did a really good job of catching balls, especially Jeremy Maclin: FBI Agent. Also, you had those receivers wearing Browns uniforms and playing on the Browns defense catching balls too. Innovative!

CK 
Grade: A 
I’m giving this group an A only because I made pulled pork tacos for the game and while I was eating my 4th or 5th one I looked up and saw Jason Avant doing the Jesus Jazz Hands and I said “Here we go with the jazz hands on a three yard gain” and then I took a bite out of the taco and the back fell out all over my lap.


DG 
Grade: B 
I miss FredEx. There. I said it.

Punter 
ZWR
Grade: Chris Kluwe
Chas Henry was probably the team MVP yesterday, but it probably wasn’t even good enough for best performance by a punter in the NFC this past week. No seriously click that Chris Kluwe if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: Having To Ice Your Elbow From Making a Wanking Motion Too Often 
Do you get credit for Michael Vick’s armpunts here? If so I’d grade you even higher. Also, yes, you should click on that Chris Kluwe piece because he burns his enemies to the ground and salts the earth so nothing may live there again.

CK 
Grade: Whatever 
I don’t care about Chris Kluwe or Chas Henry just kick the ball high and then go sit in the corner with a jacket on.

Whoa, Google Image Search, take it easy

DG 
Grade: B 
I don't think all the other players should be mean to punters because (a) Punters are human beings with feelings; (b) They are part of the team, too; (c) They are doing the best they can; and (d) I bet if a punter kicked you in the groin your nuts would end up stuck in your nostrils. All things to consider. (p.s. That Chris Kluwe thing is the bomb.)

Cornerbacks 
ZWR
Grade: B 

Normally I’d go A because they looked really good now that they’re actually playing the positions they like to play the way they like to play them, but I mean, it was the Cleveland Browns and that’s kind of like Usain Bolt celebrating his victory at an Ursinus track meet by doing the worm.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: Beating Your Niece In Chutes And Ladders
Congrats, held a noodle-armed septuagenarian in check for most of the game. And while we’re on the subject of your defense, nice job being the wall to Trent Richardson’s Juggernaut on that play, Kurt Coleman. (Editor’s note: Suck a butt, Trent Richardson had 39 yards rushing and at least our players don’t cry on the sideline) 



CK 
Grade: DRC 
I don’t want to be picky but I can’t be sure if Nnombi Awesomewah even played. I didn’t hear his name once. Is that a good thing? Maybe it is. It was when he was on the Raiders but that was because quarterbacks wouldn't even look at him since the rest of that team stunk. Sexy Bologna on the other hand was getting his Oscar Meyer on. My man was hot doggin all damn day.

DG 
Grade: B 
The Cardinals gave us DRC for Kevin Kolb. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL [deep breath] LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. (It's funny because Kevin Kolb isn't good at football.)

Coaching
ZWR
Grade: Incomplete 
Have you heard? We threw the ball A LOT on Sunday. Andy Reid and Marty Morningwigs REALLY like to throw the football, everyone. Even when protecting a lead in the second half against a team that can’t move the ball and basically will only score if your quarterback makes a dumb turnover. However, I suppose Juan Castillo could take some credit for a solid performance yesterday, as it appears he gave Demeco Ryans really good notes and also our defensive line is pretty good and the, huh, I don’t know, maybe it was talent, not coaching. Who can tell?!  



Bobby Big Wheel 
Grade: Almost Getting Beat By Your Niece In Chutes and Ladders 
[REDACTED] 

CK 
Grade: P 
P is for Pass because you already know. But Big Red and crew escaped with a win. That’s like getting a C in your “Coaching Soccer” elective in your last semester in college just because the teacher doesn’t feel like hearing you whine about not graduating even though you never went to the class ever. I feel like if Colt McCoy played, the Browns would’ve won. Is he even on the Browns anymore? I dunno. But if he played they would’ve beat the Eagles. Or if that guy would’ve picked off Vick in the end zone. Seriously Tom Heckert you should’ve cut that guy before postgame handshakes were even over with. 


For the Nag

DG 
Grade: BOX OFFICE GOLD 
Movie Pitch: A team builds a robot coach in the offseason, and puts him in charge. At first he's super analytical -- you know, like a robot -- and is all "BLEEP BLORP BASED ON THE PROBABILITIES WE SHOULD RUN A DRAW BLEEP BLORP," and the players hate it, because the robot doesn't manage their personalities at all. He just spits out plays and signs/cuts players week-to-week based on the algorithms for that particular game. But then, as the season goes on, he does that thing robots do in movies where they start to develop feelings. 

Big montage of him, like, consoling players who get injured, or showing up at a player's house with a hilarious onesie when one of them has a baby. The players see this and have a change of heart. Unfortunately, the robot coach's new softer approach has resulted in the team losing a bunch of games, and the owner wants to replace him with the new and improved model. 

The team bands together to save their coach, and they go on a winning streak that sees them eek into the playoffs, then run straight through to the Super Bowl. During the Super Bowl, they fall behind early. At halftime the robot coach delivers a stirring speech about winning and learning to love. (Think Pacino in Any Given Sunday.) The team storms out of the locker room and turns the tables, staging a dramatic comeback to become Super Bowl champions. Everyone is ecstatic, even the jerk owner who wanted to replace him. Then someone forgets he's a robot and dumps Gatorade on him and it fries all his circuits and he dies. The End. It's a sad movie. 

Team Records: 
Eagles: 1-0 
Giants 0-1

7 comments:

  1. So glad this is back this season. Thanks for making my morning!

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  2. An Ursinus reference? Those are few and far between... well played ZWR.

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  3. I like how I have to prove I'm not a robot to comment on an article that mentions people loving a robot coach.

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  4. Our players don't cry on the sidelines.

    Also: Bravo, Chris Kluwe. In football, and in life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'd pay $3 to see that movie. I totally would.

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  6. As an Ursinus Track and Field Alum I take offense to this. The only human (or creature rather) that can beat our track team in the worm is Scotty 2 Hotty.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Kwi_OLO9Sg

    ReplyDelete

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