Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Eagles Week Two Report Card


Another week, another win! And the only thing that can make basking in the glow of victory almost two days after it happened on a miserably rainy day better is reading Craney, Danger, that Giants dork, and the penguin's report card. Right, Papz? (Here's last week's)

thnx bro

Quarterback
ZWR
Grade: When throwing the ball to the other team: wtF; When throwing to Eagles: A++
I don’t know how else to assess this. Mike Vick was amazing both passing and running, leading the Birds on another late game-winning drive. Amazing, of course, except for the six or seven times he tried to give the ball to the Ravens. Omitting the turnovers and near turnovers (each game-winning drive featured what could- and last year would- have been a game-ending turnover), he was dynamite. Also, he gets an extra “+” for not being a whining tardbutt like Joe Flacco.




Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: י
In honor of the Jewish holiday, I’ll be using Hebrew characters to hand out grades to the Eagles. (Editor’s Note: We’ll see if those characters work in blogger, homeslice) (Editor's Note: They do) Michael Vick gets a yod because of that stupid fumblepass he had that almost cost the team the game. Though, I think you Philadelphia jabronies and us New York superstars can agree, these scab refs are a big pile o’ poop, right?



DG
Grade: B
I like Mike Vick. I do. But that interception he threw on the first drive seriously almost killed me. He was rolling right at damn near a sprint, then when he reached the sideline, he tried to sling a left-handed pass sidearm through traffic back across like 1/3 of the field. It honestly may have been the single worst pass I've ever seen an NFL quarterback throw.

But that pass to Ya Boi down the sideline was dope, and his fist-pump game was tight on the sideline at the end of the game, so I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt.

CK
Grade: Tim Tebow
Flashes of greatness mixed in with bad playing and then boom: we win? That interception in the end zone was buttbeak but that teardrop to Desean was about a nice as you can throw a ball. But seriously, two games, two game-winning drives. He’s getting there. That’s what people have been saying for 13 years right? I’m going with it. Next week let’s try not to get hit on every play including handoffs, k Mike?

Stanley Havilis
ZWR
Grade: B
You know what I’ve never thought in the history of my life? “Man, Shady looked good those last two carries- now let’s get the ball to Bryce Brown since we’re in the red zone.” Shady rules, but there were fumbles so they get a B. Also, he leads the league "jukes so good tacklers torpedo your starting center and asplode his knee"... which I guess isn't necessarily a positive?

UPDATE: One of the scab refs had Shady on his fantasy team!

Bobby Big Wheel is yelling at his television because the guy from Rutgers just tried to cause miracle at the Meadowlands 2 on Eli's ankle *brb*

DG
Grade: A
Did you see that 4th down run where Shady was going down and stumbling behind the line but then he somehow wiggled his way across the yellow line anyway? I don't know how that happened. I liked it. Go Birds.

CK
Grade: B+
SHADY BOUNCE! I like how this time he was like “WAIT - Ok NOW Shady Bounce” like he had a longer pause than usual because up yours Ray Lewis. Bryce Brown you get the Darnell Jefferson treatment. Football in your hands at all times including shower and bed and even knockin’ boots.

Receivers



ZWR
Grade: A-
Jeremy Maclin had an odd one, in that unless you were told he was playing you would have assumed he was out hurt but then all of a sudden out of nowhere he caught a touchdown and maybe the Ravens thought he wasn’t playing because he was standing in the end zone completely alone I mean, like, there wasn’t anyone within 20 yards of him and the play started at about the fifteen I think and then later he (of course) left the game injured and you were like “that was the Jeremy Maclinest game ever.” Desean was feeling chipper. He got into a few scrums, which is always hilarious since he’s the size of the WAH’s daycare teacher. Brent Celek (see above) was the star of the show.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: א
Brent Celek’s sweet jump there gets the team’s receiving crops a lofty aleph. Also, when the Eagles do their team intros on Sunday Night Football and say their alma maters Celek always sounds like a caveman when he barks out “University of Cincinnati.”

(Editor's Note: Yes, Brent Celek's Twitter background still rules in case you were wondering.)

DG
Grade: A-
Never forget:



CK
Grade: A
Damaris Johnson making plays! Mardy Gilyard with a big tackle on kickoff in the 4th quarter! Oh yeah and the other guys too. Maclin hurt, Maclin carted off and left for dead, Maclin sneaks back in, Maclin scores. It’s basically designed in the gameplan that way at this point. Desean Jackson went Scrappy Doo. Brent Celek went Beef Mode.

Offensive Line
ZWR
Grade: A
You know how intimidating it is to have to block a murderer? Think on that. Dallas Reynolds was solid in replacing Jason Kelce (RIP), and that guy from the Bills who was supposed to be a key free agent signing didn’t stink in replacing the giant guy that everyone thinks stinks but may not. Separate thought: we need to pick more guys late in the draft from Cincinnati. Trent Cole, Brent Celek, Jason Kelce - do you need more proof than that?

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade:  ג
This ragtag crew of Canadian firefighters and former knife salesmen is doing a heck of a job considering they have to protect Michael Vick, who needs to be sacked to get an erection.

DG
Grade: I like to think the offensive line all goes out to IHOP after each game and when they walk in the hostess is like “Oh brother, better wheel in some more batter” and then someone goes out back to the pancake batter well and fills up a wheelbarrow-full to feed the table full of big fat linemen. (Pancake batter comes from a well, yes?)

CK:
Grade: B+
Pour one out for my man Hamcuzzi. You will not be forgotten. Also: Our new center Mr. Reynolds needs a nickname because his real name is Dallas and the Cowboys stink so I am going to call him Burt.

Defensive Line
We all agreed they get an A- and no we totally didn't forget to write about them.

Linebackers
ZWR
Grade: A
Dude DeMeco Ryans and Mychal Kendricks straight up rule. Ryans had a sack, an INT, and was second on the team in tackles. For frame of reference, in week 2 last year Casey Matthews had to change his jersey four times because there were so many grass stains on the back the officials couldn’t read his number. Whoever got the start at the third LB slot did a great job, too. I think it was Keenan Chaney.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: ה
It’s about time your loser linebackers finally came through. Kudos for ruining the week of everyone with Ray Rice on his fantasy team. I hate the people who get top-5 picks in the draft, what a bunch of donkeys.

DG
Grade: KABOOM
The other day on Twitter I posted a bunch of good fake linebacker names (Mike Fist, Duke Steel, etc). My favorite one, by a lot, was Tank Violence. I think whatever dork we end up lining up next to Ryans and Kendricks should change his name to that, because if you can't be as awesome as the other guys, you can at least pretend and have a hilarious name.

CK:
Grade: A
I like yelling DeMeco. DEMEEEECOOOOOOOOOO. DEMEEEEEEEEEECOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Secondary
ZWR
Grade: A-
You hear that? Do you hear that off in the distance? It’s the entire world gasping at how dope Brandon Boykin is! As for Nachos Cromartie & Nnnnnnnnamdi, I’ll leave it at this: Boldin, Smith, and Jacoby Jones combined for five catches, yo. This unit’s going to have to keep it up next week with Kevin Ko.... HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA I couldn’t say it with a straight face.

Hey speaking of IHOP! Major props to Kurt Coleman for keeping his “getting TRUCKED by running backs” streak alive.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: ו
Does Juan Castillo still move Nnamdi Asomugha all around the field instead of using him to lock down a sideline? Then yeah, have fun with that. (Editor’s note: see above, butt-sniffer)

DG
Grade: B+
I would enjoy our secondary more if they all wore bandanas under their helmets and big jangly cross earrings. It would also help if one of them learned that weird neck dance that Merton Hanks used to do.



CK
Grade: B
My man Sexy Bologna aka Nachos aka DRC aka we got this guy for Kenny Kolb plus my man Boykin what?! I don’t even know if that made sense but those guys are my dudes. Sorry Nnombi it’s not me it’s you. You’re still pretty decent I guess. Nachos is going to be All-Pro though. And Boykin...BOY CAN HE JUMP! Eh? Ehhhhhhh? Been using that one all day. No one liked it.

This Guy



ZWR
Grade: 99

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: ש
I like this guy because he probably lost 100 pounds on that Chris Berman diet.

DG
Grade: A
I like that we live in a world where someone that weird and awkward can still score hecka good seats to a football game. It shows how far we've come as a nation.

CK
Grade: A
Little known fact: That guy is Koy Detmer.



Coaching
ZWR
Grade: Whatever
Dude he’s going to make you scratch your head but whatevs on half our plays dudes were wide open so I guess that's something besides we wonned.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: עִ
Andy Reid gets a silent letter for his grade because it does a nice job of summing up his two-minute drill.

DG
Grade: C
It would honestly be OK with me if someone ate Andy Reid's challenge flag before every game.

CK
Grade: I dunno
I am still baffled by declining a penalty on 3rd down to push a team back in the hopes of getting another stop followed by a longer FG attempt when a.) The dude already kicked a 70-yarder earlier in the game and b.) YOU STOPPED THEM ON 3RD DOWN TAKE THE PENALTY AND GET OFF THE FIELD DOOFUS.

1 comment:

  1. andy reid's moves at the end of the first half almost cost the eagles the game.

    call a timeout with over a minute left, take the punt. run three straight running plays, still 18 second left, baltimore gets a FG.

    /fart noise

    ReplyDelete

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