Tuesday, October 30, 2012

More Angry Booing Eagles Fan

From ZWR enthusiast "B Rad" via ZMail, who apparently had electricity all day yesterday.

Monday, October 29, 2012

@_mattmac Owns It with Booing Eagles Fan Pics

Hey kids, ZWR of I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay- the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies ace Roy Halladay (visit us online at zoowithroy.com)- here. I hinted in this morning's report card at the immense potential of Booing Eagles Fan, and ZWR staff Photoshopper Matt is already on the job. Thanks Matt!

Today is kind of scary and sad (love you no matter what, the Jersey shore), so we hope these cheer you up some.

Eagles Week 8 Post Bye Week Report Card

Thanks to @petzrawr for the perfect picture to sum things up, and saving us the hassle of having to write all those words about a game that doesn't deserve to have words written about it. 

Also, feel free to photoshop that guy into, like, everything ever and email it to me or send via twitter.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Greatest Roy-O-Lantern in the World Concerns Roy Halladay

ZWR enthusiast Renee sent in the following, which she graciously found for me on the the Phillies' website (check them out online at www.Phillies.com).

She cheekily inquired if I submitted this pumpkin myself to Phillies' pumpkin carving photo "contest" but, I, of course, did not. According to the Phillies website (www.Phillies.com), it was some incredibly artistic (and most likely handsome, charming and successful with the ladies) donkey named Nate. Well done, Nate.

p.s. first person to carve a pumpkin of Roy wrestling an anaconda wins all the internet points and a free t-shirt

Friday, October 19, 2012

Second Annual ZWR Halloween Costume Contest

So about this time last year we announced the First Annual ZWR Halloween Costume Contest, which was eventually won by the coolest person on earth, Awesome Emma. You know what followed after that:

It probably wouldn't be a good idea to expect all of that to happen to you should you win this thing, but you never know. And you can't win it if you don't enter. The details are basically the same, so I'll copy/paste from last year's post:

To enter, simply send a picture of yourself (or your kids or your pets or whatever) in costume to either ZWR (zoowithroy [at] gmail) or Danger Guerrero (dangerguerrero [at] gmail). Your submission will then be compiled with the others and a winner will be selected by a very impressive and prestigious committee of international fashion experts (me, Awesome Emma, Danger, and Cranekicker, natch... maybe Vince the Brewer).

Now, I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Well, I have a great costume that would definitely win, but I don't want a picture of me in a doofy or scandalous outfit posted on the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay for everyone to see." Fear not, hypothetical donkey! At your request, Danger Guerrero will happily draw an MS Paint face over your actual face to protect your anonymity. For example:

Photo Credit: Danger Guerrero

So when you go to your fancy young people or mildly boring old people/company Halloween parties these next few weekends, in addition to drinking a ton of pumpkin beer and nomming infinity bite-size Butterfingers, snap a picture of your costume (dude, your smartphone takes, edits, and emails the photo, you do essentially no work don't be a lazy doof) and send it on in. You too could have a chance to litter this bolg with dated pop culture references and cockamamie theories about your favorite sports teams or breakfast items. And then you'll be a celebrity. Probably. Maybe.


"This sounds awesome!"
 That's not even a question, but I agree.

"What's the deadline?"
Halloween, dummy.

"Hey ZWR I know you're a family bolg but my costume is kind of ... ummmm ... tastefully risque. Now what?"
Oh, send those pics to zwrafterdark [at] gmail dot-- Wait what. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Esotericky Bottalico Weighs in on the Phillies' Latest Coaching Change

Esotericky is back and he's pretty pumped about having a new former professional hitter on board to assistantly coach the gang in 2013.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Let's Talk About Sacks

Yo, I don't think we should talk about this

Come on, why not?

People might misunderstand what we're tryin' to say, you know?

No, but that's a part of life

Let's talk about sacks for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sacks on the radio and post-game shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be
Those who think it's dirty have a choice
Pick up the remote, press pause, or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Les? I doubt it
All right then, come on, Ike.




All the ladies.

Louder now, help me out, come on...

All the ladies


In Memoriam


A July 2010 piece entitled "The Endless Debate, with Arthur Schopenhauer" misquoted a portion of one of Mr. Schopenhauer's replies to the author. His full statement was, "Ahhhhh, yes, of it I know all too well. I mean, I did live a spell in Weimar!" The staff apologizes for this error.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Eagles Week 6 Report Card - by Stephane “@GoingHard_inger” Hardinger

Yesterday's Eagles game had CK and I so frustrated and "over it" (Seriously, is there anything dorkier than grown men texting each other that they're "over" something? Guilty.) that we decided they don't even get a report card from us. That was fortunately coincidental, because Danger is working on a 53,000 word retrospective of "Undeclared" and Bobby Big Wheel is eating poop salad all day Monday. In our collective place is this eighteen year old donkey that kind of cracks us up on Twitter (see below TwinkCaps) and keeps bugging us to let him in on a recap.

Are you ready to go hardinger? On to it, then: 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Eagles Week 5 Report Card

Hey kids, ZWR, Danger, and the Giants loser here once again to promptly recap Tuesday night's Eagles/Steelers craptacular. Let's get right to it.

ZWRGrade: Butt   
As described on CSN’s Lunch Break.

Grade: D

True thingy: At one point during the game I wrote a tweet that said “If Michael Vick fumbles again I am going to throw my computer out the window,” but right before I hit send he got hit and lost the ball. I am glad I did not tweet that. Computers are expensive.

Bobby Bane Wheel (Since you played the Steelers I will be trolling you in a Bane voice this week, enjoy)
Grade: BANE

Your quarterback possesses a unique inability to control the football unless he is playing a blue-clad rival.  This weakness is regrettable.


That's just a sampling of the dozens of tweets I received just last night from concerned members of Donkey Nation upon seeing a recently-released commercial from the scab pig debt factory known as Visa.

Here, check it out for yourself.

AWWWWWW! Isn't that cute? The adorable little girl with pigtails at an event for credentialed press members asked Ray Lewis what his bed time was! I mean, I've never seen an darling little girl ask a famous pro athlete about his bed time or favorite foods before.

***  OH WAIT- YES I DID ***

That's Awesome Emma's game, yo! You donkey butts didn't even hide it! Visa (who probably took bailout money funded by HARD WORKING TAX PAYING AMERICANS, I don't have time to look it up) should be ashamed of themselves.

Look at this face:

Does it scream, "Steal from me, you multinational predatory lending vultures, in a commercial featuring a convicted obstructioner of justice and suspected murderer?!" NO. No it does not. 

My demands are simple, Visa: I want a written apology (note: Tweets don't count). I also want you to mail Awesome Emma (care of her mom) a check in the amount of one full, four-year education (inclusive of tuition, room/board, books, meal plans, and miscellaneous fees) factored for the time value of money to one of the below institutions:

Stanford University
Northwestern University
Williams College
University of Chicago
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
ETH Zurich (Swiss Federal Institute of Technology)

It's the least you can do for this sweet, innocent little girl whose glory you stole by thieving her intellectual property! We all do things we regret. It's how we own up to it that measures our character. Do the right thing, Visa. Don't even make me yell about this on Twitter. You don't want that kind of heat from Donkey Nation. TRUST ME.

Monday, October 8, 2012

I Was On "Lunch Break" Again Today

Last time I asked for a signed photo of Neil Hartman with "Thug Life" written on his stomach in magic marker, this time I explained what a butt is.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Charlie Gathers the Team for a Meeting

Alright you guys like everyone quiet down now. Figured I’d have everyone bring it here for like one last meeting to go over the season and talk on offseason priorities and stuff 

Where are all the coaches, skip?

… …

They’re gone. Done-so. I fired them all. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Eagles Week Four Report Card

Hey kids, what a win! Big Baby Jesus, Craney, Danger, and the Penguin are super excited to get to this week's grades.

"Yo ZWR, what happened to the Week 3 Report Card you lazy dummy?!"

Ummmm, here's the thing- that game ate so many butts we got halfway through and decided to mail it in ... just like the Eagles did in Arizona. *SICK BURN ROASTED* (That was motivation. Apparently, it worked.) Note: CK is using cars as grades this week, and BBW is going to be miserable because he's a Giants fan. Everyone laugh at him.

Throws monitor from desk, pours hot coffee over head, dropkicks the systems engineering guy.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Boo at the Zoo (2012, Y'all!!!)

Hey kids, it's finally October! And since the Phillies ... ugh, nevermind. Enjoy!

Click for Bigness

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