Alright you guys like everyone quiet down now. Figured I’d have everyone bring it here for like one last meeting to go over the season and talk on offseason priorities and stuff
Where are all the coaches, skip?
They’re gone. Done-so. I fired them all.
Dayyyyum, bro. Harsh.
Shouldn’t you be wearing a cast, Tittsburgh? Or still nursing an infected achilles tendon? I mean, it only took you, what--47 weeks to heal from surgery? Hey! Maybe next season you’ll be ready before we’re mathematically eliminated--assuming you don’t accidentally drop a piano on your head?
Well, um, like anyway you guys I thought we should get together and talk about some of things that went good and some of the things that like you know what I like to say didn’t go so good. Anyone got any thoughts they wanna share?
Charlie, je voudrais juste dire que les femmes chaudes de Philadelphie étaient un spectacle à voir cette saison dans mon court séjour ici. J'ai été en mesure de les ravager assez souvent et avec succès, ils ont adoré mon accent!
WHAT THE F**K DID HE JUST SAY? AMERICAN, PLEASE.
I think he just said that Romney won the debate last night, smdh
F#*IN A RIGHT HE WON THE DEBATE, BRO. #ONETERM #NOBAMA #TAXDEEZNUTS
Pardon me but why is Jason Babin here? He doesn’t even like mermaids.
He’s just trying to make a splash, that’s all. Maybe he can play left...
Didn’t I pay your cab fare yet? *throws approximately $40 worth of one and five dollars bills on the floor* Get. Out.
Golly, Mr. Amaro, Jr. if Jason Babin can play left field surely I have to feel positive about my chances?
No. Your hands are too slow and your face is too cherubic. NON-PROSPECT. Don’t you read Twitter?!
But I make no money and I hit balls really far I actually know how to play baseba--
No. How old are you, anyway? Also, your body is bad. Clean up your diet, you disgust me.
Aww man, check it- someone say body?
BRO--- want to pack on some more bulk? Text me next week, I’m expecting a delivery.
Ay yo cuz, Dom Brown’s legit
BEAST MODE REPORTING FOR DUTY. WHEN’S OUR NEXT GAME?
This is our line-up? And you didn’t want to pay me?
JP, come here, let’s have a *giggling* … fart to fart!
I DOOOOONNNNN’T KNOOOOOWWWWWW WHOOOO ANNNNNNNY OF THESE PEEEEEEOPPPPLLLLLE ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE WEEEE TRADEDDDD AWAYYYYYY ALLLLL THE FUNNY PLAYERSSSSSSS AND NOW THERE’S ONLYYYYYYY COMIC FOILLLLLLLLSSSS
Why are you always singing?
WHOOOOOOO ARE YOU? WHO WHO. WHO WHO? WHOOOOO-
I’m Erik Kratz, you dolt. I must have caught you at least a dozen times this season.
THISSSSS ISSSN’T FUNNNNY BRRRRAAAADDDLEEEEYYYYYYYY COOOOOOPER! WHEEERE ARE THEEEEEEEE PHILLLLLLIIEEES?
**phone rings in the clubhouse**
Yeah who’s this?
Winston? That you? You know I can’t understand no Spanish.
LOL NO IT’S SHANE SHANE VICTORINO REMEMBER I PLAY FOR THE DODGERS NOW ANYWAY IS PENCE THERE I NEED TO TALK TO HIM SORRY YOU GUYS DIDN’T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS WE DID IT’S AWESOME
*grabs receiver* Shane, it’s Ruben. I could hear you shouting through the phone. Hunter Pence is no longer a Phillies. We traded his contract to San Francisco the same day we shipped your spazzy face to Los Angeles for a crappy reliever. And, actually, you didn’t make the playoffs.
WHAT’S UP, GUYS?!
Patched him through, Rube.
WHAT IS GOING ON. CHARLIE IS TRYING TO HOLD A MEETING AND YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING GRAB ASS. KIND OF FITTING FOR THE END OF THIS SEASON, ACTUALLY. NEVERMIND, I GIVE UP. CARRY ON.
WE NEED WINSTON ON THE LINE BEFORE WE CAN START.
I here, Choddy!
BOOM. iPhone 5, bro. Magic.
La chèvre a un téléphone! Hahahaha, l me fait penser à une femme de la ville de Philadelphie que j'ai fait mon amant pendant trois jours!
Are we gonna like have a real meeting or what? I’ve got a 2:00 o’clock flight to Africa.
We gon’ try. Alright now like one of the things I think like you know like we need to work on before next season is the what I like to call “situational hittin’”
Hello everyone. Manager Manuel, Ryne Sandberg, hall of famer here, reporting for “bench coach duty.”
Oh. Hey, uh, Ryan. Ruben said you’d be here soo--
Ryne. Don’t add extra vowel sounds into the mix. It complicates things.
You’re tellin’ me. Well anyways Rhino we was just gettin’ to discussing some situational hittin’ for next season you know like and having a good idea when---
Yes, well it occurs to me that is a conversation that can wait until Spring Training. Mainly what I think we should focus on now is keeping everyone healthy in the offseason and training hard to get back and have a gang-busters 2013. Everyone can go home now. Charlie, a word in my office, please?
You ain’t got a office.
Hmm. Well I was told there would be an office for private conversations.
*Ruben leans in, whispers something to “bench coach Ryne Sandberg”*
I see. Nevermind, forget what I have said. Coach Manuel, continue with the meeting.
Hey guys, I’m thinking about catching next season
But Jase Oddley jew have no knees cartilages?
[via iPhone 5 speaker phone]
Yes, really, that’s quite comical, Chase.
So, can we leave our not? I have to meet Roy at an undisclosed location in the Nevada desert for our first “offseason workout.” He wants me to bring a shovel, the guy is freakin’ intense.
Aww man c’mon tell Roy to take a rest and stuff. Do some relaxin’. Go to the zoo or somethin’.
SHE SATTTT RIGHT DOWNNNN ON THE SOFAAAAA, SAID WHERE HAVE YOU BEEEEEEEENNN. I’VE BEEENNNNN WAITINNNNNNNNNNNNN FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I’LL BE HANGINNNNNNNN AROUNDDDDD THIS TOWNNNNNN IN THE CORNERRRRRRRRRRR
[through iPhone 5 speaker phone, with improved voice tone and fully dynamic noise cancellation]
OHMYGOD I LOVE THOSE GUYS THE CAMERON CROWES EINSTEIN BAGELS THE BEACH STARING IN HIS PANTS SAID EVERYWHERE WE POLICE IN IS SCRABBLE WHACHUBEERINTHEDOGINTHEKITEINTHESKEEBALLTODAAYYYYYAAYYYYYYY, AND WE ALL GET FERNS
[through iPhone speaker phone with 20% less weight than previous models]
OOOOONE MORE BUNS COMES HIIIIIDING DOWN HI GUYS!
ALL DE KINS MEN REAP THERE FEER. DE WORST THINS COME FROM HAHA I DON KNOW NO MORE WORDS
WE’LL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN?
Nebber Nebber Nebber Aggens?
These cats is singing lame ass 90’s pop rock. I think we’re better off being done here. Later, fam. See you in 2013. Piece, hit me up.
Buenos noches, 2012.