Thursday, October 11, 2012

Eagles Week 5 Report Card



Hey kids, ZWR, Danger, and the Giants loser here once again to promptly recap Tuesday night's Eagles/Steelers craptacular. Let's get right to it.

Quarterback
ZWRGrade: Butt   
As described on CSN’s Lunch Break.

DG
Grade: D

True thingy: At one point during the game I wrote a tweet that said “If Michael Vick fumbles again I am going to throw my computer out the window,” but right before I hit send he got hit and lost the ball. I am glad I did not tweet that. Computers are expensive.

Bobby Bane Wheel (Since you played the Steelers I will be trolling you in a Bane voice this week, enjoy)
Grade: BANE

Your quarterback possesses a unique inability to control the football unless he is playing a blue-clad rival.  This weakness is regrettable.





Running Back
ZWR
Grade: A+ Forever

Dude Shady’s the coolest ever did you see him on that fourth down when our worthless offensive line got no push and he was all, “FINE! I’ll do this myself” **Spin move keeps feet moving falls forward first down**

DG
Grade: A

I love that Mike Vick can’t hold on to the ball even when he tucks it away real tight, but Shady holds it three feet away from his body like it’s a stinky diaper and never loses it. (NOTE: I do not actually love this.) Also, Stanley Havili sounds like the name of a character in a children’s book.

BBW
Grade: BANE

Such a waste to have a talented young man surrounded by incompetence.  A situation that must be rectified when he is traded for draft picks in the offseason.

Wide Receiver
ZWR
Grade: Whatever

I’m sure their routes were great and all. DeSean had that one catch. That was cool. I think Maclin played. Avant in the slot heady, handsy whatever.

DG
Grade: And another thing about children’s books...

I pitched this a long time ago on Twitter, but I really feel like a children’s book titled “Aloysius Stinkybutt Goes to the Museum” would be a huge hit. You’ve got a funny name for the kids (Stinkybutt = LOLs forever), and you can sneak in some learning stuff with the whole museum angle. Huge hit. Book of the year.

Story by DG, Illustrations by ZWR. Available on Amazon.


BBW
Grade: BANE

DeSean Jackson appears unable to maintain his health over the long term.  A most disconcerting trait for a wide receiver who depends on his breakaway speed.

Offensive Line
ZWR
Grade: C

You know how people always say “you should just take a sumo wrestler and make him a hockey goalie- other team will never score”? Well, in this case, if you took a sumo wrestler, and made him a hockey goalie, and put him at center with his CCM pads and waffle board and stick and skates on he’d still be better than Dallas Reynolds and maybe Demetress Bell.

DG
Grade: C+

You could even make it a whole series. “Aloysius Stinkybutt Goes to Washington,” “Aloysius Stinkybutt Goes to the Zoo,” “Aloysius Stinkybutt Goes to Space,” and so on. The possibilities are limitless.



BBW
Grade: BANE

A cluttering mess of incompetents that could not withstand a frontal assault from an aged Steelers defence.  A good team’s strength is your Achilles heel.

Defensive Line
ZWR
Grade: 


GET YOUR SH*% TOGETHER YOU $#*%##ING BOW HUNTING, TATTOOED, TWITTERING, CRAP TALKING, WIDE NINING, $@#&*@&*#34@*% @$()#@$!*(%23f#*&. ALSO, YOU SEE THE GUY WITH HIS $@#&8578 HANDS UP THE CENTER'S $#@!? THAT'S THE $*@#(%$%$23 QUARTERBACK, YOU CAN TACKLE HIM. WITH YOUR BODY. NOT A BOW AND $@#*($ ARROW, ROBIN HOOD.

DG
Grade: B-

Once the Stinkybutt book series takes off, I’m sure we’ll be fielding TV and film offers left and right. “What’s that? Clooney on line two? Sorry, Mr. Spielberg, but I have to take this. Thank you for the kind words. I will consider your offer and get back to you in a few days.” I feel like Keanu Reeves should do the voice, but I’m open to other suggestions.

BBW
Grade: BANE

If only Jason Babin spent more time practicing his gap technique instead of controlling the Michigan deer population.  His tattoos mask a patent inability to perform his job.

Linebackers
ZWR
Grade: C

Poor Mychal Kendricks got juked something fierce on that Mendenhall TD. I don’t know who the third starter was. Well, I do, but I kind of said that to prove a point. I hereby propose we only use two linebackers and replace Jamar Akeem Clayton Chaney with a hybrid linecornerbackersafety. Maybe … oh, I don’t know … Brian Dawkins?!

DG
Grade: D

After about six or seven hit films (A Stinkybutt Production), I imagine I’ll be a pretty hot commodity in Hollywood, and eventually I’ll be offered the gig as the top banana at Nickelodeon. Will I take it? NO. I’m starting my own studio, like Disney, with Aloysius Stinkybutt as my version of Mickey Mouse. Movies, TV shows, theme parks, the whole nine.

BBW
Grade: BANE

I am able to incapacitate a man who only has the use of one leg.  I cannot fathom how you are unable to do the same.

Shoe Throwers
ZWR
Grade: Throws Shoe

Kurt Colemen threw a shoe.

DG
Grade: C

Then all the money will go to my head and I’ll live out the rest of my life as a reclusive, power-drunk sociopath -- eating nothing but candy and sitting in front of a huge video board with live security feeds from all the parks for up to 30 hours straight, like a cross between Willy Wonka and Howard Hughes. Eventually I’ll die sad and alone, and be buried with all my money during a funeral attended by only the reverend and my lawyer. The whole thing is a tragedy

BBW
Grade: BANE

Inability to cover Mike Wallace is unfortunate.  Inability to cover Antonio Brown is a calamity.

Coaching
ZWR
Grade: Fargle Bargle

DG
Grade: Stink

The Eagles are killing me.

BBWGrade: BANE
None of my intractable enemies were so easily plied with promises of pizza as Andrew Reid is.


EDITOR'S NOTE: Craney was unable to participate this week. Per his request, included below is the string of iMessages he, I, and our friend (we'll call him "DIANCE") shared during the game:












I know, right? If you have an iPhone and want to be on our group message this Sunday leave your phone number below in the comments. 

2 comments:

  1. I think the important thing to ask here is, you dont have CK in your phone as CK and use his real name? That is a VIOLATION, BROOO!

    ReplyDelete

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