Monday, October 15, 2012

Eagles Week 6 Report Card - by Stephane “@GoingHard_inger” Hardinger

Yesterday's Eagles game had CK and I so frustrated and "over it" (Seriously, is there anything dorkier than grown men texting each other that they're "over" something? Guilty.) that we decided they don't even get a report card from us. That was fortunately coincidental, because Danger is working on a 53,000 word retrospective of "Undeclared" and Bobby Big Wheel is eating poop salad all day Monday. In our collective place is this eighteen year old donkey that kind of cracks us up on Twitter (see below TwinkCaps) and keeps bugging us to let him in on a recap.

Are you ready to go hardinger? On to it, then: 

Hey guys what’s up I’m Stephane (follow me on Twitter dot com at GoingHard_inger) I’m new here Zee
Dub Arr called me up to the bigs for the recap this week hopefully I don’t disappoint.

Quarterback: C-
I mean IDK Vick looks so good some plays and other plays he looks like butt. That TD pass to Shady was pretty simple and the TD pass to J-Mac was pretty sweet but he was so open I think Koy Detmer or Mike McMahon could’ve completed it. At least he didn’t fumble right?! But those 2 INTs were killer especially the brain-dead one down the field oh wait that was both of them. Not all his fault because the OL played terrible like they do every week (looking at you, Dallas Reynolds) but he can’t keep turning the ball over. Also, he wore this shirt (h/t @dhm) in a promo during the game and it looks like something you’d get for $9 at K-Mart so yeah.

Running Back: C+
Shady didn’t have his best game but he got in the end zone and I can’t get too mad at him because he’s the best. Shady Bounce for life y’all. Bryce Brown was on the field for a little and continued to (shockingly) not look remotely like he did in preseason against 3rd-stringers.

Wide Receivers: A
They played pretty well. J-Mac and DJacc combined for 11 catches for 204 yards and a TD, Jason Avant did the Jesus jazz hands jawn we all know and love and Riley Cooper played for the first time all year and still had that brown mane coming out of his helmet. Plus Mardy Gilyard was his normally dominant self on special teams.

Tight Ends: D-
Brent Celek was pretty subpar out there. Dropped a TD pass and had another nullified with that ticky-tack offensive PI call. I thought it was a crappy call but Mike Pereira said it was the right call and he usually knows his stuff so yeah. The Eagles also ran a designed TE-screen for Clay Harbor in the red zone where they split him out wide one-on-one vs. a CB and didn’t bring any blockers out there and the sheer comedy of it was pretty enjoyable (Editor's Note: For serious, they ran the Pinkston Pass to Clay Harbor on 2nd & Goal from the 15 yard line Andy Reid should have been forced to issue a spontaneous apology on the JumboTron). But yeah Brent those 8 points we lost because of you were kind of killer today.

Offensive Line: F-
Only because I can’t give out 2 “Butt” grades in the same report card (foreshadowing!!!). Dallas Reynolds and Demetress Bell suck and I really miss JP71 and his uncomfortable amount of sweat and Jason Kelce and his beard/hair combo. 2 center-QB snap mishaps today and I’m just going to blame those on Reynolds because they seemed like his fault. Only gave up 3 sacks but it coulda been a lot more because Vick got nailed like every play and there were a lot of hurries and scrambles. Also it seems like the other 3 OL from last year (Herremans, Watkins, Mathis) all lost the ability to play football well without Peters and Kelce and that worries me since we just gave Mathis a 5-year extension and Watkins was a 1st round pick. Also Watkins is still turning 28 this November which is crazy. What a bad 1 st-round pick.

Defensive Line: BUTT
Good golly I mean really what is there even to say about these guys. What do we need to do to get a sack out of this crew? Is it possible to make the Wide-9 even wider? Also Jason Babin needs to go after the year along with Jim Washburn. He’s such a QB KILLA HUNTER that he bites on every single bootleg/ rollout and runs himself out of run plays but yet never sacks anyone. SICK TATTOOS BRO. Also Cullen Jenkins has been invisible this year but so has everyone else even my boy Trent Cole. And Fletcher
Cox got thrown out for punching a dude after an extra point in the 4th quarter like really bro? Brandon Graham over Earl Thomas is still infuriating. Here’s a proposed Eagles DL alignment to help them get sacks after the bye week:

wait what

Linebackers: C
DeMeco had a nice game with 13 tackles and continues to be the best MLB we’ve had since Casey Matthews or Jeremiah Trotter. Kendricks was his typical fast OLB self and Akeem Jordan (I think? So hard to keep my generic linebackers straight) was solid in his return at WLB. Casey Matthews saw limited action so that was a success. But they let the Lions run for 109 yards on 23 carries by RBs even though Mikel LeShoure, Joique Bell, and Keiland Williams were doing the running and they’re all pretty
not good. But I’m no Sheil Kapadia so I don’t know whether it was butt-quality play from the DL that caused it or bad LB play. Probably Babin’s fault.

Cornerbacks: B-
Nnamdi had a nice INT and they shut down Megatron for most of the game but you just knew he was going to explode sometime and he beat them like REDACTED (Holy crap, kid, you can't say that) down the stretch and that was a big part of why they lost. But he’s Calvin Johnson like you can’t stop him you can only hope to contain him and they did that pretty well I thought. Grade would be a B or B+ without Brandon Hughes, who got torched by backup TE who has a scorpion-like tattoo on his right shoulder Tony Freaking Scheffler (who?) and Nate Burleson (he’s still playing) for the 2 key plays on the drive that got the Lions back into the game.

Safeties: D
Kurt Coleman did some Kurt Coleman things out there but Colt Anderson had to play after Nate Allen got hurt and he was terrible at actual football. Stick to special teams in the future plz. What happened to that David Sims dude we traded for after preseason from the Browns? We couldn’t have put him in instead of Colt Anderson? At least Jaiquawan Jarrett didn’t have to play.

Special Teams: D
Coverage and returns still kinda sucked especially returns since the Lions were so bad at covering kicks this year but at least they got Damaris Johnson out of there (luv u Mardy Gilyard), Alex Henery made all 3 FGs he attempted, and Mat McBriar averaged almost 57 yards per punt. Fire Bobby April though.

I hope you liked my stuff thanks for the opportunity ZWR and remember to follow me @GoingHard_inger on Twitter dot com. Also remember to ask Adam Aron (@SixersCEOAdam) to get a Naughty By Nature concert this year cause he’s definitely down with OPP.

We really do like grading things, so look for an report card report card where we assess The Hardinger in the next day or so.


  1. Stephane, great job! Call me once graduation's over so we can bang.

  2. I want to know what the redacted part said.

    also, VERY GOOD JOB STEPHANIE. I give you a B+.

    1. Hi petz big fan thanks for the compliment but it's actually Stephane not Stephanie I'm a dude and stuff Idk if you did that on purpose or not but I wanted to clear up any potential confusion thx big fan of your twitter I follow you @petzrawr and stuff

  3. Dallas Sucks!! (at playing center)


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