Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Eagles Week Four Report Card



Hey kids, what a win! Big Baby Jesus, Craney, Danger, and the Penguin are super excited to get to this week's grades.

"Yo ZWR, what happened to the Week 3 Report Card you lazy dummy?!"

Ummmm, here's the thing- that game ate so many butts we got halfway through and decided to mail it in ... just like the Eagles did in Arizona. *SICK BURN ROASTED* (That was motivation. Apparently, it worked.) Note: CK is using cars as grades this week, and BBW is going to be miserable because he's a Giants fan. Everyone laugh at him.


Throws monitor from desk, pours hot coffee over head, dropkicks the systems engineering guy.

Quarterback

ZWR
Grade: Ummmm... B?

To be fair to Mike Vick, the Eagles offensive line featured a Mormon guy they found on Twitter before the game, a guy who cited his Canadian firefighting station during his NBC intro, and that guy from the Bills who--and I haven’t seen all the tape--might be the worst offensive lineman in the history of football. No turnovers and another game-winning fourth quarter drive so good job I guess.

DG
Grade: B
Here is my impression of Mike Vick on Sunday night: "Down...set...blue42...huthuhutHUT...[takes snap]...ohcrapohcrapohcrapHOLYCRAPohcrapohcrap...First down!" It's like watching Brad Lidge that one year when he was perfect on saves but still walked the bases loaded like twice a week. The whole thing gives me agita.

CK
Grade: Subaru Impreza
In the first quarter Vick was in all out “blow the whistle” mode but that was really the line’s fault. Or the protection scheme. Either way some coaching adjustments (WAT?) were made and Vick was very reliable from that point on when given some time. Great throw to Desean on the TD and no interceptions or fumbles and another 4th Q winning drive and 1st place suck it Bobby Big Wheez.

BBW
Grade: B
The f*ck? I thought this was the guy that threw interceptions.  Why didn’t he throw any interceptions?  I WAS COUNTING ON INTERCEPTIONS.

Running Backs

ZWR
Grade: A
Dude Shady may have literally broken a guy’s leg with a move that’s the best thing ever. Thank goodness this didn’t happen at the Vet, because then everyone would be blaming the turf like when that guy from the Bears broke both knees trying to jump. Come to think of it, that was the turf’s fault. And kind of awful. Ohwellz.

Also, I like the Hawaiian Mormon Cecil Martin guy they introduced last night, and that he seems to be more than just the usual token Mormon from the South Pacific stealing snaps from more talented players.


DG
Grade:A
Shady juked Kenny Phillips’ whole leg out of socket. THAT'S GOOD JUKIN'.

CK
Grade: Ferrari F12
You know what if Shady was a video game he would be Frogger but the best Frogger that ever crossed the road because OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THE TRUCK and then whoop whoop pull ova that a$$ too fat juke move hop back left bounce left again up up up right jump on a turtle over the log high score.

BBW
Grade: A

Gotta tip my cap to Shady, who figured out the Giants D at halftime.  Also thanks for exposing Osi Umenyiora as a terrible run defender in Week 4.  Can’t wait for the Dolphins to give him a $30 million contract this offseason.

Wide Receivers

ZWR
Grade: B+
I would have given them a B, but then I saw that Mardy Gilyard was wearing eye black on the sidelines and that’s just awesome. Can’t wait until Jeremy Maclin’s back.

DG
Grade: B
The second -- the very instant -- that DeSean Jackson loses a step, he will become a totally useless football player. He'll try to run one of those crossing patterns where he blazes through the intermediate area between the linebackers and safeties, but instead of getting a ton of separation and room to run he'll jump up to catch the ball and immediately be planted in the ground up to his neck like a carrot.


Still love you, AI

CK
Grade: BMW 3 series (was hoping for the 5 series; face it we’re not getting the 7)
Don’t you dare talk crap about Mardy Gilyard dude saved like 6 touchdowns on kickoff team. MVP. Mardy Very imPortant. (Editor’s Note: I IMPROVED their grade due to Gilyard you buttface. I’m not Tardy to the Mardy.) (CK’s Note: YOU MOCKED SIDELINE EYEBLACK HE WAS A SPECIAL TEAMS DEMON THE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT)

BBW
Grade: B-
I was really hoping this whole DeSean Jackson thing would be over by now.  A fad like pogs or Freddie Mitchell.  See you on the Millionaire Matchmaker in 5 years, DeSean.

Editor's note: 



Tight End

ZWR
Grade: C(elek)
I think there was a point during his second catch when Celek was running with the ball and briefly considered attempting another hurdle and was all, “Nah, gotta let that marinate.”

DG
Grade: A-
MORE LIKE SMELL-EK, RIGHT GUYS? Seriously, though, nice game.

CK
Grade: This Jeep
You see that Jeep? That bro will go wherever he wants. Or at least try to. Kinda like Bernt Celek. Fear this! Lol. Remember those boardwalk t-shirts? I bet he would wear one of those.


If you drove in a Jeep with this sticker while wearing a "Co-Ed Naked" shirt you might be my cousin


BBW
Grade: B
Brent Celek always kills the Giants.  I don’t have proof on this but the Perry Fewell defense is particularly weak against Cro-Magnon tight ends. (Editor's Note: More like BRO-MAGNON you hatter)

Offensive Line

ZWR
Grade: YouTube Link (Warning: F WORD!)
I talked about it earlier, but yeah, not too good at pass protection. Which I think is kind of important?

DG
Grade: Poop
You know that scary Terminator-looking dummy in the Kevlar vest that they kept showing? We should roll five of those out at o-line next week. They probably still wouldn't block anyone, but it'd be pretty cool if one of them came to life and started shooting people with lasers and stuff. Like Last Boy Scout meets Robocop.

CK
Grade: Hyundai Sonata
I owe this crew an apology and here’s why. Much like the Hyundai brand, they were a piece of crap to start. I tweeted about it. It went national when Mike Freeman RT’d it, although I’m not sure if he likes the term I used or he just actually likes doo doo beans. Anyway - they really pulled together and gave MV some time and also ran the ball down (and around) the heart of the Giants defense. So with that I will say, I am sorry for calling you guys doo doo beans.


Craney tried to screencap his living room, too, but couldn't. iMessaged me this pic. SMDH

BBW
Grade: Navy Beans
Nobody likes navy beans and they suck but ultimately they get the job done.  Still, these guys could really benefit from some Juan Castillo coachin’.

Defensive Line

ZWR
Grade: B
Here’s how Jason Babin lines up on every play:




DG
Grade: A
You guys get a pizza party. No one else can come.

CK
Grade: Liebherr T284
You ever see how wide those things are? They’re wide. Washburn has naughty dreams about how wide they are. Seriously Google that truck I am tired of doing all the work for you lazos.

BBW
Grade: A-

FUN FACT: Jason Babin went to high school with one of my friends and he was a total jerk. (Editor's Question: Your friend went to Fear This! BOSS Tribal Academy?!)

Linebackers

ZWR: 
Grade: C?
I just want to take this opportunity to talk not about the real linebackers, but rather the fact that Clay Effing Matthews, who was out of position on every kickoff cover team, allowing David No More Tears Wilson to run to the 50 yard line everytime. WHOA, WAIT, CRAP. Did I just call him Clay? I meant Casey. Jesus... wow. Ugh. See, this is how this guy got drafted in the first place.

DG
Grade.: B-
Soup isn't a meal. Clam chowder? Maybe. Chili? Sure. But your standard chicken broth with some rice and vegetables? Nooooope. Get the hell out of here with that. At least give me some crusty bread or something, you know? Otherwise I'm gonna eat your house out of pretzels in about an hour. You better have sourdough.

CK
Grade: Range Rover Sport
I’m gonna pretend that one drive that went 90 yards in .08 seconds didn’t happen because DeMeco Ryans was doing the electric football spin-in-place move on the touchdown. Yeah but other than than they looked good. Kyle Mychal Kendricks is really solid. Nice game other guy too.

BBW
Grade:  C+
Pho is totally a meal, though.  It’s like Vietnamese spaghetti and meat sauce except instead of sauce there’s yummy broth.  Also, sriracha really takes that sh*t up a level.  GO PHO.

Secondary

ZWR
Grade: A-
Dude when they said Nnamdi went to the hospital but then like five minutes later the cameras showed him on the field I immediately thought of when players ran out of the hospital in their full uniforms with the nurses and stuff waving bye-bye to them in Tecmo Super Bowl and imagined him running down Broad Street with his helmet on and cracked up for like twenty minutes.


TECMO NEWS FLASH: The homeless guy 
who ran w/ Nnamdi actually got four yards
behind him

DG
Grade: A
I like that DRC tried to bring the ball out of the end zone. I hope he shows up to the next game with five gold chains, a bandana under his helmet, and a record contract. I like my corners SHOWY.

ZWR: Oh no doubt! If you want selfless dorks watch hockey. I want my corners to take that pick TO THE HOUSE.

CK
Grade: Batmobile
Yup. #Nachos


Best picture ever? Best picture ever.

BBW
Grade: B+
But I’m with you on other types of soup.  Pea soup?  I don’t care how many bacon bits you put in there, that stuff isn’t a meal.  Plus, pea soup is kinda gross.  I’d rather have tomato soup.

Special Teams

ZWR
Grade: ???
Dude remember when the NFL moved the kickoffs up and everyone started kicking the ball through the goalposts and we were all “LOL THAT SHOULD BE THREE POINTS HAHAHA” I guess they moved it back again because the Giants third string rookie running back had like 500 yards in returns.

DG
Grade: C
Just kick it to one of the big fat guys and hope he falls down or fumbles it. You may lose a little field position, but there is a 100% chance something hilarious will happen.

CK
Grade: Ford Pinto
Seriously Bobby April get your stuffing together before you get replaced by a parking cone with a mustache painted on it.

BBW
Grade: D
Seriously, David Wilson is worthless.  You guys really need to work on your kick coverage because I’m pretty sure Coughlin demoted him to water boy after the opener against the Cowboys.

Editor's note: Don't say things you don't mean. Your words hurt, Big Bobby...


Coaching

ZWR
Grade: A-
They don’t get a full A because the special teams were butt squared. I’m appreciating Juan Castillo more as time goes by, yo.

DG
Grade: A
ANDY REID LISTENED TO DESEAN JACKSON AND THEY WON A CHALLENGE. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

CK
Grade: Mercedes G-Wagon
Coaching Smoaching I am taking this opportunity to give a shoutout to Brian Dawkins #20 forever. (I saw B-Dawk at CVS once and he had a total beast all-black G-Wagon and he zipped it around the corner like a wild man and I was like “DUDE YOU RULE!” and people looked at me weird and I ran away)

ZWR GOOGLE DOC HIJACK: Craney, do you think they should fire April and hire B-DAWK come on now they owe it to him and he EFFING rules right?
CK: Yes. Player-coach please.
ZWR: He has to still run faster than Kurt Coleman. Just saying.
CK: He ran out of the tunnel on all fours faster than Kurt Coleman sprints downhill.
ZWR: You mean, “He ran out of the tunnel on all fours faster than Kurt Coleman sprints downhill with a ROCKET FART attached to his back!”
CK: Yes that is exactly what I meant and I am glad to have a friend like you who can make sure my message gets across when I forget the details sometimes.
ZWR: I love you.
CK: #TeamSpaek
ZWR: SPAEK
DG: [waves]

BBW
Grade: D
HOW THE F*CK ARE WE STILL LOSING TO THESE GUYS?  Here’s what I think about all of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO3QOF0pNj4  (Warning: F WORD!)







NBC Touchdown Music Celebrations
CK, DG, ZWR
Grade: NBC es un montón de BURROS ESTÚPIDO

BBW: Au contraire.  NBC is going hard after the Latin demo.  They gotta go hard because CBS really speaks to them through the hit comedy ¡Rob!

We’re going to regret posting this because it’s totally bad karma and after the next Giants game Bobby Big Wheel will probably post a gif of Jean Luc Richard Pierre Paul Lemiuex dancing around the new Meadowlands stupid NFL midfield logo (butt kissers) with Michael Vick’s ribcage in one hand and the fumbled football in the other but still I can’t help it so here goes: 

CLICK ME  (Steve made that gif, yo.)

Eagles record: 3-1
Giants record: MUCH WORSE than 3-1; Tied with the Redskins and Cowboys for last!

2 comments:

  1. I think it's nice that you guys are all friends.

    ReplyDelete

Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...