Friday, November 30, 2012

Philadelphia Athletes as Santa's Reindeer

I'm all swept up with Holiday cheer so why not think athletes as Santa's reindeer?












Oh yeah don't forget...



Thursday, November 29, 2012

Charlie Meets the New Relief Pitcher

[Interior, General Manager’s suite, Citizen’s Bank Ballpark]

[Ruben Amaro impatiently presses a button on his office’s futuristic telecom system, opening up a line to his assistant]

FROCKER! Get Charlie in here, I want him to meet the new guy we got from Ed Wade and the Astros this...

[Charlie Manuel breathlessly bursts through the doors, wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt, team shorts, and sandals, coming to a stop directly on top of the Stanford University crest that hallmarks Amaro’s office.]


Wait what.

Winston, yo, I heard like we got Winston and stuff I’m so excited.

Oh, so you’ve already heard that I PWN3D Houston? 

Listen like I don’t care bout no P90X or kettle bears...


I don’t know- you said it.

Nooo- PWNED. Hunter Pence taught me that. You ever see Urban Dictionary?

The 3’s an E … NEVERMIND. Anyway, let’s get back to why I brought you here. We’ve potentially completed a trade with the Disastros... but you can’t talk about this publicly yet because technically he didn’t pass his physic--

[Uproarious laughter explodes from the futuristic telecom system]

BAHAHAHAHA, DISASTROS!!!! Good one, Ruben!

FROCKER! Hang up! [To Manuel] A trade that brings to our ballclub a bullpen arm we’re very excited to add. 


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Definitive 2012 ZWR Holiday Gift Guide

Starter Pull-Over

I know I’ve asked for jackets the last two years, but this really is the one I have to get this time. Everyone is getting it. They’re so awesome, too. Please make sure, though, that it’s a Starter, there’s a star on the sleeve and the front part over where your hands go when it’s cold (that’s a smart design feature and easier than pockets!) looks like the fold of an envelope. Acceptable teams: Miami, Florida State, Bulls, Raiders, Charlotte Hornets, anyone from Philly.

Super Mario Bros. 2

Mom, Dad, I NEED THIS. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. It has four characters you can play with!! It’s even culturally progressive because you can play as a girl character or a dude with a mushroom afro! If I don’t get this game for Christmas I’ll probably go into a deep depression and all the kids in school will make fun of me for the next three months and we’ll never have anything in common to talk about and I’ll be forced into continuously alienating social experiences that will ripple through my future and one day I’ll find myself bored and alone inside a grey cubicle on the day before Thanksgiving, typing nonsense for a bizarre website read by other quasi-social misfits that never got this game for Christmas. So this is important.

Easton Aluminum Hockey Stick

I mean you can’t even play in a real league anymore unless you have an aluminum. And don’t freak out when you see the price, because it’s actually smarter: If I break the blade taking a killer slap shot I can just take it out and put in a new one. They’re way cheaper than a new wood stick would be and all you do is slide it out and put another one in I can do it over the stove totally safely or maybe even with a blow dryer and crazy glue.

A Discman

I was at Strawberries the other day and the dude who works there told me they’re not even going to make tapes anymore. That guy’s smart, I always see him at the baseball card shop and he knows stuff like that. And I think they’re working on a wire so you can use it in your car, too, so it’s sort of like two gifts in one. Besides all of that, the music quality is so much better. And are you ready for this? YOU CAN JUST SKIP TO WHATEVER SONG ON THE ALBUM YOU WANT TO PLAY! You don’t have to fast-forward or rewind and hope to land close to the beginning. Also, I think these fit in the front pouch of a Starter pull-over perfectly just saying.

Millenium Falcon Spaceship (Original, duh)

I’m not even going to explain this. I mean just look at the joy on that kid’s face. Shouldn’t that be me?! 

Sidenote: I don’t even need all 7 Stormtroopers, so you can save money.

WWF Magazine Subscription

This magazine is awesome. It has really cool articles about, and interviews with, the wrestlers that talk about everything that’s going on inside the squared circle. Plus I can cut out pictures and posters to hang in my room. Wrestling’s a fun thing for kids to like even if it’s a little silly, just throw me a bone here.


I know cable’s expensive and this is a pay channel but please they have Flyers and Sixers HOME games and Spectrum wrestling shows PLUS movies with curse words and nudity for you guys to watch. It’s way cheaper than if you took me to a Flyers game and went out to the movies once a month, so we’re basically saving money on the deal.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Eagles Week 11 Report Card

Zoo With Roy           8:22 AM (4 hours ago)
to Crane Kicker, Bobby Big Wheel, Danger Guerrero

ummmmmmm... do you guys want to do a report card?

Danger Guerrero         8:35 AM (4 hours ago)
to me, Crane Kicker, Bobby Big Wheel

Just post the music video for Ganstas Paradise and call it a day.

CK           12:16 PM (51 minutes ago)
to Danger Guerrero, me, Bobby Big Wheel

Post Tha Crossroads for me.
Sent from my iPhone

(Editor's Note: Well then I want IMBRUGLIA!)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Eagles, In One Sentence

Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III had one incomplete pass and four touchdowns on Sunday.

AP Photo, FFS

Friday, November 16, 2012

John Gonzalez Gets to the Bottom of FanSince09?

(Editor's Note: This arrived today. John Gonzalez pitched to me the idea of interviewing FanSince09 months ago, though the time spent between planning and carrying out the assignment turned into an empty space. I didn't know if it would ever happen. It did. I haven't touched a word of this.)

I meet the man known to the Twitter universe as FanSince09 at a box company in Fishtown. We meet inside the lobby, if you can call it that. The afternoon sky isn’t so much a color as it is a stench. “Gonzalez”, he says, as he extends his hand toward mine. I nod and shake. “Should of sent Hartman. Whatever.” I give him a glare that’s meant to convey a message, but it’s lost on him. That only deepens my respect. 

Somehow we start to make small talk about politics, amazingly, and then for one reason or another I’m suddenly aware that there doesn’t seem to be anyone else in the building. We stand, nonetheless. Despite being three stories high with roughly several thousand square feet on each floor, no one has passed through the lobby. Is this a lobby? The hat that FanSince09 wore was telling. It was a neon green and emblazoned with “YOLO.” 

Esotericky Bottalico With Some Thoughts on Free Agency

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Roy Halladay Shamefully Robbed of NL Cy Young for Second Consecutive Year


Though not yet through with their self-aggrandizing public dispute over the role of advanced metrics and the weight carried by nontraditional statistics (what is this, 2003?), the BBaseball Writers Association of America took a respite from their Fumbling Towards Eckstein-sy to bow to the alter of public opinion and name the "winner" of the National League Cy Young Award.

And before you try to get all geekface on me Keith Law, yes, I know that's from a Wilfred Owen poem so go screw your face.

Your guys' vote stinks. All of you, go screw.

True, deserving winner.

Even More Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy!!!

ZWR Enthusiast "B-RAD" was so swept up in the euphoria of laughing at the Marlins/loving Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy that he went and ZMailed me seven of his own creations. Thanks, B-RAD! You're ... rad.

The Gambler (Know When to Foles 'Em)

On a warm Sunday eve, on a season bound for nowhere,
Andy met up with the gambler; the boos too loud to sleep.
So they took turns a starin' from the sidelines at the darkness
'Til concussion overtook ‘em, and he began to speak.

He said, "Coach, I've made my life out of readin' safety's faces,
And knowin' what their blitzes were, besides--dude--Vick just died.
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a stroke of your mustache I'll give you some advice."

So Andy leaned in all the quicker and he tickled all them whiskers.
Then he bummed a challenge flag and threw down his playbook.
And the Linc got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play the rook.”

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to Foles 'em,
Know how to call a play, and for the love of God when to run.
You never rest your Shady when you're startin’ ol' King Dunlap.
There'll be time enough for restin’ when the season's done.

"Now every head coach knows that Mike Vick ain’t survivin'
He never learned to throw away, and gets killed on every keep.
But every draft’s a winner, and every draft’s a loser,
And the best that you can hope for … is your third-rounder makes the leap."

So when he'd finished speakin', Andy turned back towards the benches,
Threw down his headset and bellowed walrus deep.
And somewhere in the darkness, the Foles stood tall and ready,
As Desean danced like a moron we found an ace that we could keep.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to Foles 'em,
Know how to call a play, and for fu**s sake when to run.
You never rest your Shady when you're startin’ Dennis Kelly.
There'll be time enough for restin’ when the season's done.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to Foles 'em,
Know how to fade away, and when your reign is done.
You never rest your Shady when you're startin’ a guy named Dallas.
There'll be time enough for restin’ when the season's done.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy Meme: DERPbuster Trade Edition (Taxpayer Funded)

You donkeys all remember, and love, Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy. We had some fun at his expense last year, then he became our Twitter buddy, and he's actually good people. So it's kind of with sadness (like, less than half a percent if that) that we MEME IT THE MEME UP are after last night's "trade"!

zOMG yes please I love these will probably post eleventy billion today send in yours click to embiggen...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Halloween Costume Contest Guest Post - Part II

PART ONE (in all of its glory) HERE


Dorothy and the toy Phanatic walk the stick-straight blacktop of the Broad Street Road for quite some time, before finally coming to a fork in the road. In the crook of the fork is a field of delicious golden wheat, no doubt for use in hearty Amoroso's Rolls! And in the center of the field, City Hall. And in this field stands a scarecrow. Dorothy and the Phanatic aren't sure which way to go...

Report: Eagles to Redshirt Curry

ZWR sources indicate that the Eagles have formally decided to redshirt rookie defensive end Vinny Curry this season.

Drafted in the second round out of Marshall, Curry initially impressed team officials in offseason workouts and training camp. It wasn't a complete shock- the defensive end finished his career at Marshall with 26 sacks and was named Conference USA Defensive Player of the Year in 2011.

A personnel executive quoted on the condition of anonymity noted, "It's just a numbers game, frankly. You've got Tapp and Hunt as the depth guys, Graham's a first round pedigree, plus all-pro studs like Babin and Cole in there. Where's this kid gonna play? And with so much on the line, it's kind of a no-brainer." Beyond depth, the organization also sees this season as a prime opportunity for Curry to acclimate himself to a winning environment and become accustomed to the rigors and structure of a professional coaching staff.

With the decision made, Curry's eligibility will commence with the 2013 season. We expect big things from the redshirt rookie.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Remembering Andy Reid

When he first came to Philadelphia, Andy Reid was a fresh-faced quarterbacking guru taking on his first head coaching assignment in the National Football League. Filled with big ideas and a flair for offensive creativity, Reid may just have been the ripest and most filling of all the fruits on Mike Holmgren's vaunted coaching tree. He nurtured the Eagles, through difficult harvests and bountiful seasons alike.

Fatefully paired with a rocket-armed youngster from Syracuse many didn't want, "Big Red" presided over the most enduring period of success in the franchise's history. That times seems now over. A lack of winning the big one, a penchant for ego-driven decision making on the field and in the board room, and general unsteadiness at the wheel have hastily tossed the red flag on Reid's tenure.

But to focus on the negative is to set one's course in darkness. Andy Reid was to Philadelphia a light. And so today let's remember the youngster from California that foolishly challenged his way into our hearts, undaunted by reason or fear--but with the good sense to thoughtfully waste a timeout--before making sure we knew the time was ours. For it is in that famous and often-mocked catch phrase that Reid truly spoke his genius. Time is short, he seemed to warn. Beware! Let us share in it, embrace it. The time was mine. But now it's yours. The time is ours.

Kudos, Andy. And Godspeed.

The Eagles, In One Sentence (w/ Accompanying GIF)

Jason Avant injured his hamstring while getting hit in the face by a pass from Nick Foles.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Halloween Costume Contest Prize Guest Post, by Matt and Jill

Srsly, Prince is working it in this photo

Oh, my readers. Last year we held the inaugural costume contest, Awesome Emma won, and history was made. This year we had another strong showing, with the eventual victors (as you already know, religious ZWR reader) being a group dressed as characters from the Wizard of Oz ... with Prince. So when I emailed the team spokesman Matt to share the news and offer a guest post I assumed it would be all:

ZWR:  "Oh you hey bro congrats good job send something over." 
Matt: "Sweet, that's cool and funny here's a quick little post where we say gracias and make a joke and some Prince song title puns (google doc)."

Nope. Instead, donkeyface was all "hahaha thanks Rick here's PART ONE (Editor's Note: Yes, part one) of a somewhat screenplay formatted project that Jill and I penned and it's ostensibly the Wizard of Oz story but set in Kensington and Phillies-themed I'm pretty sure this was L. Frank Baum's initial vision and we introduce Prince in part two plz publish serially kthnxbai." 

YES PLEASE. True story, if you click the "Read More" and hit play on Purple Rain at the same time they sync up perfectly...

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Eagles Wide Nine Week Nine Report Card

wtf ffs srsly lol

Grade: Alive
Mike Vick’s not all that great, but I can’t blame him for this one. Surviving behind that offensive line- literally, not dying- is an achievement. Also not his fault Brent Celek can’t catch a football anymore and that they’re calling up plays for Clay Harbor.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: D
My favorite part is where Vick lines up, can tell the blitz is coming, and figures out exactly where in the backfield he wants to take a 10-yard sack.

Grade: B

Just so we’re clear, here is the argument for replacing Mike Vick with Nick Foles: The quarterback we have now turns the ball over too much because he is playing behind a terrible line and is usually running for his life, so let’s put a less mobile guy back there and see how that works out. Oooooooooooooooooookay.

Grade: ICU
Mike Vick is taking a beating. But he is also still diving head first all the time and not throwing a hot route when the line is stacked. So is he dumb or punchdrunk? Both probably. Still smarter than his brother. And tougher than all of us.

Monday, November 5, 2012


I DON'T SEE HIM!!!!!!!!

POLL: Best Hockey Movie Goalie

I posed the question on Twitter this morning and it got a metric butt ton of response, so now I'm bringing the topic over to the bolg for a comprehensive, scientific polling exercise to get us a definitive answer. The candidates are introduced below, with a few pertinent notes on each.

Darren McCord (Sudden Death)

Do you remember this debacle? The Vice President gets taken hostage at a Penguins Stanley Cup Finals game and Jean-Claude Van Damme not only saves the day and blows up the Igloo and gets into a death match with their mascot (who tries to jam McCord's face into a lunch meat slicer) but also takes the ice as the goalie and stops a penalty shot? Yeah. 

Also, this flick was part of one of my favorite things ever- Sarah Baicker and Dan McQuade's Lockout Movie Night
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