Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A Very Special Phillies High

by Danger Guerrero 

[Scene: In the Phillies High library, where some of the students have gathered to study for Mr. Samuel’s big Physics exam]

Cole Hamels: Darn it, Jimmy. Will you please take this seriously? Everyone says Mr. Samuel’s exams are the hardest. And it’s in two days!

Jimmy Rollins: Yo, check me out...

[Jimmy Rollins pulls two baseballs out of his backpack and sticks them up his shirt.]

Jimmy Rollins: … I have boobs now. Yo, Cliff. See how I got boobs now?

Cliff Lee: [chews gum]

Jimmy Rollins: Yo, Jon. JON. Pretty funny, right? My boobs? Jon...

Jonathan Papelbon: [continues listening to P.O.D. while air-drumming on the library table]

Jimmy Rollins: [does high-pitched girl voice in attempt to get attention] Oo-OO-oo, I’m a lady! Don’t you like my booooooooobs, Ryan? Oo-OO-oo.

Ryan Howard: [swings at slider in dirt]

Chase Utley: [angrily looking up from book] Knock it off, Jimmy..

Jimmy Rollins: Maaaaan, you guys don’t know anything about comedy.

Carlos Ruiz: I like it, Yimmy. Es fonny because joo hab boos, but joo are a boy, and boys do no hab boos. Bot we really need to stody. Between beisbol and de Physics test, there’s no enough time to be fooling aro-

Jimmy Rollins: I know, right?! These guys just don’t get good jokes. HEY! I KNOW! Chooch, gimme your bag. I need more baseballs so I can have, like, SIX BOOBS. That’ll be funnier because six is more than two.

[Jimmy and Carlos both grab Carlos’s backpack and begin fighting over it in a furious tug-of-war]

Carlos Ruiz: No … joo can no hab it … es private...

Jimmy Rollins: I … need … it … for … boobs...

Carlos Ruiz: Let … go … Yimmy...

[Carlos’s backpack bursts open. Baseballs, books, and pencils go flying everywhere. Amid the chaos, only Chase Utley notices Carlos hurriedly scooping up a small white container of pills and shoving it in his pocket.]


[Carlos grabs his school stuff and rushes out of the library. Chase Utley excuses himself by announcing “I’m leaving” and follows him into the hallway. As they are leaving, the faint sounds of Jimmy Rollins announcing that he has six boobs now echo throughout the library.]

Chase Utley: Chooch. CHOOCH!

Carlos Ruiz: I can no stay and talk, Shase. I hab to go stody before practice.

Chase Utley: Is everything all right?

Carlos Ruiz: Es fine. I just so busy. I hab to focus.

Chase Utley: Is that what the pills are for?

Carlos Ruiz: Wha peels?

Chase Utley: The ones I saw you stuff in your pocket in the library.

Carlos Ruiz: Oh, dose. Dose are nothing. Chane gabe them to me before he leff for Los Angeles. He say his mom gib them to him to help him relax and stay focus. They really work. I juss taking them ontil de tess is ober.

Chase Utley: You need to be careful with those, Chooch. They’re not good for you if your body doesn’t need them, and they can be really addictive.

Carlos Ruiz: Donn worry. I’ll be fine. I being bery careful.

Chase Utley: I’m serious, Chooch. I don’t think you should be taking them.

Carlos Ruiz: Bot de tess...

Chase Utley: [serious face]

Carlos Ruiz: OGH. Okay, fine Shase. Joo win.

[Carlos Ruiz reaches into his pocket and hands Chase the pills. Chase turns around and throws them in the trash, and the two head off to the quad to review their notes before practice. Chase shows up at Carlos Ruiz’s house the following night -- T-minus 14 hours until test time --  to see if Chooch will hit him some night grounders to get his mind off Physics.]

Carlos Ruiz: OhHiShaseWhatAreJooDoingHereDoYouWannPlayEssBogs? IHabLossObGameForEssBogsLessPlayAssassinCree!

Chase Utley: No. I'm stressed out. I need someone to hit me night grounders.

Carlos Ruiz: ChureWeCanDoNighGroundorHeyLookICanMakeAFonnyFaceLetsTalkAboutAnything!

Chase Utley: Are you feeling OK, Chooch? You seem ... different?

Carlos Ruiz: IFeelGreatImSoFocusLikeALazorPewPewLetsPlayAstronaut!

Chase Utley: Focused? Wait a second. Did you take more of those pills?

Carlos Ruiz: Si.

Chase Utley: I thought I threw those out.

Carlos Ruiz: IWennBackAndGotThemOutOfDeTrash. TheyWereRighOnTopItWasNoEbenHarrToFindThemHEYLookAnElephannWaitNoIssAMiniban.

Chase Utley: Jesus, how many of them did you take?

Carlos Ruiz: WellITakeOneWhenIStarrStodying. BotItDidntHelpSoITookAnotherAndAnotherAndAnother. NowIFeelGreatBotAlsoLikeIGoingToDieBecauseMyHeartIsGoingBompBompBompBomp.

Chase Utley: That's not good. We need to get you to the hospital.

Carlos Ruiz: There'sNoTimeToGoToDeHospital. WeHabToStodyAnnPlayEssBoggsAnd... UhOhIDonnFeelSoGreatShaseWhassGoingOn?

Chase Utley: Chooch? CHOOCH?!

Carlos Ruiz: MyHeartGoingTooFassShaseISoScareHELP...

[Carlos Ruiz passes out on his porch. Chase Utley dials 911, and rides with him to the hospital in the ambulance. After a very nerve-wracking night, doctors are able to stabilize Carlos, and Chase comes back to visit hit after school.]

Chase Utley: Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Carlos Ruiz: I doing okay, I guess. Kind of tire. How was de tess?

Chase Utley: It was rough. Really rough.

Carlos Ruiz: Yeah, I figure.

Chase Utley:  Look, Chooch, I just ... I'm not good with feelings and emotions...

Carlos Ruiz: I know, me neither...

Chase Utley: You really scared me last night.

Carlos Ruiz: I scare myself, too.

Chase Utley: I ... I can't lose you, Chooch. Not after this year. I just can't.

Carlos Ruiz: Donn worry. I done with those pills for good. From now on, I just get high on beisbol.

Chase Utley: [fighting back unfamiliar human emotions] Good. Good.

[A long, awkward silence is broken by a commotion in the hallway and a knock at the door.]

Jimmy Rollins: [stuffing two oranges he has stolen from other patients' dinner trays up his shirt] I hear sooooomeone needs cheering up... 


  1. This ABC After School Special was brought to you by ZWR.

  2. ZOMG. That might be the best Phillies High yet. BOOBS. LOL. My day is made.

  3. lol i like when there were boobs

  4. With all the talk about overdosing on Adderall and boobs, the first thing that came to my mind was Annie Edison.

  5. OMG!! Chooch as Jessie Spano!! Sheer genius, my friend!

  6. That gif is the best ever.

  7. um, this is racist. and stupid.


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