Thursday, November 29, 2012

Charlie Meets the New Relief Pitcher



[Interior, General Manager’s suite, Citizen’s Bank Ballpark]

[Ruben Amaro impatiently presses a button on his office’s futuristic telecom system, opening up a line to his assistant]

FROCKER! Get Charlie in here, I want him to meet the new guy we got from Ed Wade and the Astros this...

[Charlie Manuel breathlessly bursts through the doors, wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt, team shorts, and sandals, coming to a stop directly on top of the Stanford University crest that hallmarks Amaro’s office.]

WINSTON!!!

Wait what.

Winston, yo, I heard like we got Winston and stuff I’m so excited.

Oh, so you’ve already heard that I PWN3D Houston? 

Listen like I don’t care bout no P90X or kettle bears...

P90X?

I don’t know- you said it.

Nooo- PWNED. Hunter Pence taught me that. You ever see Urban Dictionary?


The 3’s an E … NEVERMIND. Anyway, let’s get back to why I brought you here. We’ve potentially completed a trade with the Disastros... but you can’t talk about this publicly yet because technically he didn’t pass his physic--

[Uproarious laughter explodes from the futuristic telecom system]

BAHAHAHAHA, DISASTROS!!!! Good one, Ruben!

FROCKER! Hang up! [To Manuel] A trade that brings to our ballclub a bullpen arm we’re very excited to add. 

WINSTON!!!

It’s Wilton.

No it ain’t, like I coached him for year his name’s Winston, and it was dumb to ever get rid of him if I’m like going to be candor about it for real.

Charlie, his name is Wilton Lopez.

YEAH WINSTON. HE WAS AN ALL-STAR AND HAS A GOAT AND HE ONLY PITCHED THAT ONE TIME SO DON’T GO TRYING TO TAKE HIM FROM MY LINE-UP AGAIN.

Oh sweet Jesus you think we got Wilson Valdez back.

SURRRRRRRPPPPPPPPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSEEEE!

???

Yeah big RUUUUUUUUUUBE I like it, baby, getting the old gang back together.

???

IT’S A SURPRISE PARTY RUBEN! OHMYGOSH WE’RE ALL SO EXCITED TO SAY ALOHA TO WILSON WE HATED SAYING ALOHA TO HIM THE FIRST TIME THAT’S FUNNY IT’S THE SAME WORD. HEY WHAT IF THE BEATLES WERE FROM HAWAII THAT SONG WOULD BE “ALOHA ALOHA, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU SAY ALOHA I SAY ALOHA” HAHAHA LOVE THAT JOKE OH HEY WHERE’S CHOOCH HE BORROWED A BACKPACK FROM ME AND I GOTTA GET IT BACK 

DON’T WANNA TANGLE WITH YOUUUU, I’D RATHER TANGLE WITH HIMMMM

I hate this team. Which, I might note, Shane, you’re not even on.

HAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S FUNNY I’M DONE WITH THE DODGERS SO I JUST CAME BACK WAITING TO HEAR MY AGENT SAYS WE MIGHT BE GOING TO PLAY IN RUSSIA LIKE THE HOCKEY PLAYERS DID YOU KNOW IT’S COLD THERE.

Ruben took my locker away so I’m just standing here in the middle of the floor.

You know, we probably would be better off if we kept our core together, Ruben.

Good point. If only I weren’t paying a hundred and fifty million dollars to a wounded hippopotamus.

Not cool, bro.

Hey ebbrywon I here!

...offfff course you are...

It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Valdez. I look forward to being your teammate and learning from you. And if you don’t mind my saying, that’s a swell looking goat you’ve got there. 

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYY

La chèvre magnifique! Cela me rappelle les grandes aventures nombreuses que j'ai eues ici, dans la ville de l'amour fraternel, depuis mon arrivée. Les femmes de cette ville, ils crient comme des animaux quand tu fais l'amour à eux!

It is a nice goat. I just sent 50 to a village in Africa and none were as sound-looking as Wilson’s. It definitely has good birthing hips.

Wait a minute like if Winston’s here and also there’s this other Winston here then like who’s this new Winston?



Hello Manager Manuel, I’m Wilton Lopez.

What in the…

Is okay Choddy we used to dis types of things

Check his papers, skip. There’s a reason they don’t let these guys play in the Arizona Fall League, you know. #NOBAMA #TAXEDTODEATH #TWOTERMSONLY

Sweet Christ on a cracker, Jason Babin you don’t play our sport and you don’t even live in Philadelphia anymore. GTFO.

[Chews gum]

[Spits out gum onto Mitch IXX]

What’s going on in here? Wait a minute, my mind is racing, why is there a goat and a guy with tattoos and a bunch of other minorities in here my heart is pounding I can’t comprehend all of this. My senses are being assaulted, I CAN’T FOCUSSSSSSSSS.

[Legally snorts Adderall]

Whatever.
SMDH AT CLIFF HEY RUBEN WHO IS THE NEW GUY WHEN CAN WE MEET HIM I’D LOVE TO MEET HIM I HEAR HE’S COOL DO YOU THINK HE’S ANY GOOD AT BLACK OPS 2 OR LIKES THE SANTA CLAUSE TIM THE TOOLMAN CRACKS ME UP!

EVERRRRY NEW BEGINNING COMES FROM SOME OTHER BEGINNINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGS ENNNNNND!

While I admire the level of commitment exhibited by the members and non-members of the roster currently occupying the clubhouse in the middle of the offseason, I must say the accompanying level of grab-assery therein leaves this “Bench” coach less than optimistic about our prospects in the NL East come 2013.

Yeah, you suck. BJ UPTON is salivating about facing this roster of nobodies and can’t-be-identifieds.

[/blogs about foie gras tartlets]

[/posts snarky tweet]

[/argues with sports talk radio host]

[/tweets obscure indie music reference]
Well, anyway, it was nice to meet you all.

...

Nice to mee chu, Wilton

So like if the one with the five cent goatee and the livestock is Winston, who’s this other guy again?

WILTON. LOPEZ. WIL-TON. LO-PEZ. HE’S A PITCHER. AND THE OTHER GUY ISN’T WINSTON, IT’S WILSON-- WILSON VALDEZ. HE WAS A UTLITY SCRUB FOR YOU. WIL-SON. VAL-DEZ. WILTON, PITCHER. WILSON, NOT A PITCHER. NEITHER ARE WINSTON. SAY IT WITH ME, WILTON....WILSSSSSON. WILLLLLTONNNN, WILLLLLSSSOOONNN.

Winston.

Wilton, Winston, Wilson, it’s like the Latin Tony! Toni! Toné!

IFFFFFFFFF THE RHTYHM FEELS GOOD TO YOU BABY LET ME HEAR YOU SAYYYYY

Unh, uhn, baby.

IFFFFFFFFF THE RHTYHM FEELS GOOD TO YOU BABY LET ME HEAR YOU SAYYYY

Unh, unhhhhhhh bébé

IFFFF THE RYTHM FEELS GOOD TO YOU BABY LEMME TAKE YOU AWAAAAAYYYYY


-30-

10 comments:

  1. If someone can come pick up my dead body from laughing so hard, please do it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Don't wanna tangle with him... ZOMG, trying not to burst out laughing in the middle of the workplace.

    ReplyDelete
  3. On The Threshold of Fire (a new Jefferson Starship tune) goes very nice with this

    ReplyDelete
  4. La chèvre magnifique!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good thing I was wearing a Depends undergarment when I read this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Phillippe marche parfaitement avec les autres, et c'est encore mieux si on comprend ce qu'il dit!

    ReplyDelete
  7. We must have a translation of Aumont's comments, PLEASE!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The magnificent goat! That reminds me the big numerous adventures that I had here, in the city of brotherly love, since my arrival. The women of this city, they scream as animals when you do the love to them!

      Delete
  8. Too premature Zee, Wilton is staying with the disastros

    ReplyDelete

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