Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Eagles Wide Nine Week Nine Report Card


wtf ffs srsly lol

Quarterback
ZWR
Grade: Alive
Mike Vick’s not all that great, but I can’t blame him for this one. Surviving behind that offensive line- literally, not dying- is an achievement. Also not his fault Brent Celek can’t catch a football anymore and that they’re calling up plays for Clay Harbor.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: D
My favorite part is where Vick lines up, can tell the blitz is coming, and figures out exactly where in the backfield he wants to take a 10-yard sack.

DG
Grade: B

Just so we’re clear, here is the argument for replacing Mike Vick with Nick Foles: The quarterback we have now turns the ball over too much because he is playing behind a terrible line and is usually running for his life, so let’s put a less mobile guy back there and see how that works out. Oooooooooooooooooookay.

CK
Grade: ICU
Mike Vick is taking a beating. But he is also still diving head first all the time and not throwing a hot route when the line is stacked. So is he dumb or punchdrunk? Both probably. Still smarter than his brother. And tougher than all of us.




Running Back
ZWR
Grade: A+ forever
Shady’s the best, even with this unconscionably bad offensive line. It wouldn’t be the most macho thing ever, and the fantasy impacts would be monumental, but I think the organization should come up with a pretend injury and sit him for the rest of the year so that he’ll be healthy when Jason Peters and Jason Kelce come back.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: Incomplete
I’m sorry, I didn’t see if you guys had any running backs.

DG
Grade: A

I vote we just start giving him weapons-grade amounts of HGH so he can carry the ball on every play without getting tired. Admittedly this is a short-term solution.

CK
Grade: A
Shady is so good and Bryce Brown ran far and didn’t even fumble but let’s not use those guys inside the ten. Seriously I can’t take it. I don’t even want to write this. Rest of my grades will be one word answers that begin with vowels.

Wide Receiver
ZWR
Grade: C
Bro a couple years ago I thought we had two perennial Pro Bowl receivers but instead it’s just a goofy midget and some dude I forget is on the team half the game. Jason Avant’s got good hands and all but I just checked Elias and he has 38 career yards after the catch. 


oh, okay

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: C-
Your wide receivers get docked points for not being 10 feet tall with 20 foot wingspans so they can catch Michael Vick’s errant throws.

DG
Grade: C
The other day I thought about how funny it would be if the Freddie Mitchell experiment had worked out, and he and DeSean Jackson were our starting receivers. I bet they would have had secret handshakes that took a solid 20 minutes to complete.

CK
Grade: C
Average.

Offensive Line
ZWR
Grade: Negative F minus
I understand that the Jasons are hurt. That said, you’ll never ever ever ever ever ever EVER convince me that Dallas Reynolds, Dennis Kelly, and Demetress Bell were part of a good plan for offensive line depth. All three stink. 

Mike Vick should seriously line up in the shotgun with like 20 seconds left on the play clock and then walk up and kick each of them as hard as he can in the butt. And oh wait look at this! Howie Roseman- the guy who also used a first round pick on a 26 year old Canadian firefighter- paid Demetress Bell $3.25M this year. Think on that. That’s like spending $70k on a diesel Kia.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: FFFFFF
Wikipedia says the offensive line is primarily responsible for blocking. During normal play, offensive linemen do not handle the ball, unless the ball is fumbled by a ball carrier, or when a player who is normally an offensive lineman takes a different position on the field  Now you know what an offensive line is.

DG
Grade: A Friggin M
“But DG, an M isn’t even a grade. Grades only go from A to F. I know you’re trying to make a funny point by saying they were so bad that their grade is a full seven letters below the lowest possible grade, but don’t you think it would be better to just give them the F grade that is typically associated with failure?”

No. Bite me. They get an M.

CK
Grade: F
Underqualified. 


wait what

Defensive Line
ZWR
Grade: Go Screw

DG
Grade: C+
At halftime I switched to “Castle” so I could avoid Berman’s interviews with the candidates. That show is a complete ripoff of “Murder, She Wrote.” A mystery writer who helps the police solve murders? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE? What’s next? A knockoff of “Columbo” starring one of the dudes from “Lost”? We don’t have to put up with this, America.

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: C
I need one of you guys to tell me which overdrafted first rounder is which because I have a hard time keeping track.

CK
Grade: F
Invisible.

Linebackers
ZWR
Grade: D
Pretty sure at one point the Saints put a backup safety at running back just for fun and he ripped off an eight yard gain for a first down and farted on Akeem Jordan's head at the bottom of the pile.

DG
Grade: C-
I went to a diner for dinner the other night, and I swear to god I was the youngest person in there by 30 years. Being surrounded by elderly, creaky people eating soup for dinner made me feel so alive. “I will have the cheeseburger, which I will chew with my own teeth.” [audible gasps from nearby tables] It’s the little things, you know?

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: D+
Casey Matthews is one of your defensive captains?  Is this like in elementary school where everyone gets to be team captain no matter how bad they were?  I was a piece of [poop] soccer player but I still got to win a coin flip once.  It was BAWSE.

CK
Grade: D
Irrelevant.

Secondary
ZWR
Grade: Who the F is Sims?
No for real they stink. I still like DRC, but the rest of the secondary can eat a butt. 

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: C
You’d think Nnamdi Asomugha would play better for a guy with “awesome” in his name.

DG
Grade: D
BRING BACK BOBBY TAYLOR.

Hey look a safety tackled someone!

CK
Grade: D-
Enfeebled.

Special Teams
ZWR
Grade: Laying down hiding in the end zone



Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: Illegal forward pass



DG
Grade: D

Now I’m just grumpy.

CK
Grade: D
Unindustrious.

Coaching
ZWR
Grade(s): Bobby April: A+ for inspired, trollish play-calling, and for presumably having the following actual meeting take place:

“Okay gang, if they do XYZ in their kickoff coverage, or we’re down by a buttload of points, we’re going to try a new gadget play.”
“Cool. What’s the play, coach?”
“Alright, look, hear me out. First, Boykins is gonna catch the ball like 5 yards deep in the end zone...”
“Uh huh.”
“And then, unbeknownst to the other team, Riley Cooper will be incognito on the other side of the field, laying prone on his belly but totally CAMOUFLAGED to the Saints and the millions watching at home. Ideally, he’ll be curled up to form the shape of first “S” in “Saints, so as to take the natural form of his surroundings and sell the ruse.”
“Wait what.”
“THEN, when Boykin catches the ball he’s going to run straight ahead, then suddenly chuck a pass 30 yards across the field to Riley, who will have suddenly emerged from his artifice like Patrick Swayze from a foxhole in Red Dawn yelling WOLVERINNNNNNEEEES. He will catch the ball and run that sumbitch 90-some yards for a touchdown.”
“Oh.”
“Casey Matthews will also be involved.”
“... … …”
*Coach Reid walks in the room, noticing the silence*
“Coach April, how are things looking on special teams?”
“Special as always, Coach!”
*Andy Reid playfully punches Bobby April in the arm*
“Hahahahaha, MY MANNNNN.”

/SCENE

Others: F

Bobby Big Wheel
Grade: A+
I mean, to me it was an A+.

DG
Grade: F

Sick of this.

CK
Grade: F
Abomination.


2 comments:

  1. “Casey Matthews will also be involved.”

    ReplyDelete
  2. We need Sinbad and Billy Bob on our butt OL

    ReplyDelete

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