Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Definitive 2012 ZWR Holiday Gift Guide

Starter Pull-Over

I know I’ve asked for jackets the last two years, but this really is the one I have to get this time. Everyone is getting it. They’re so awesome, too. Please make sure, though, that it’s a Starter, there’s a star on the sleeve and the front part over where your hands go when it’s cold (that’s a smart design feature and easier than pockets!) looks like the fold of an envelope. Acceptable teams: Miami, Florida State, Bulls, Raiders, Charlotte Hornets, anyone from Philly.

Super Mario Bros. 2

Mom, Dad, I NEED THIS. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. It has four characters you can play with!! It’s even culturally progressive because you can play as a girl character or a dude with a mushroom afro! If I don’t get this game for Christmas I’ll probably go into a deep depression and all the kids in school will make fun of me for the next three months and we’ll never have anything in common to talk about and I’ll be forced into continuously alienating social experiences that will ripple through my future and one day I’ll find myself bored and alone inside a grey cubicle on the day before Thanksgiving, typing nonsense for a bizarre website read by other quasi-social misfits that never got this game for Christmas. So this is important.

Easton Aluminum Hockey Stick

I mean you can’t even play in a real league anymore unless you have an aluminum. And don’t freak out when you see the price, because it’s actually smarter: If I break the blade taking a killer slap shot I can just take it out and put in a new one. They’re way cheaper than a new wood stick would be and all you do is slide it out and put another one in I can do it over the stove totally safely or maybe even with a blow dryer and crazy glue.

A Discman

I was at Strawberries the other day and the dude who works there told me they’re not even going to make tapes anymore. That guy’s smart, I always see him at the baseball card shop and he knows stuff like that. And I think they’re working on a wire so you can use it in your car, too, so it’s sort of like two gifts in one. Besides all of that, the music quality is so much better. And are you ready for this? YOU CAN JUST SKIP TO WHATEVER SONG ON THE ALBUM YOU WANT TO PLAY! You don’t have to fast-forward or rewind and hope to land close to the beginning. Also, I think these fit in the front pouch of a Starter pull-over perfectly just saying.

Millenium Falcon Spaceship (Original, duh)

I’m not even going to explain this. I mean just look at the joy on that kid’s face. Shouldn’t that be me?! 

Sidenote: I don’t even need all 7 Stormtroopers, so you can save money.

WWF Magazine Subscription

This magazine is awesome. It has really cool articles about, and interviews with, the wrestlers that talk about everything that’s going on inside the squared circle. Plus I can cut out pictures and posters to hang in my room. Wrestling’s a fun thing for kids to like even if it’s a little silly, just throw me a bone here.


I know cable’s expensive and this is a pay channel but please they have Flyers and Sixers HOME games and Spectrum wrestling shows PLUS movies with curse words and nudity for you guys to watch. It’s way cheaper than if you took me to a Flyers game and went out to the movies once a month, so we’re basically saving money on the deal.


  1. I like this website very much.

  2. a pair of reebok pumps, pleeeeeeeze

  3. Put me down for SMB2 and Prism. I'll stick with my wood hockey stick - when it breaks I can screw on another plastic replacement blade on the top of the stick.

  4. RIP Davey Boy. My favorite scumbag.


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