Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ryan Howard and Chase Utley Use Their Stools to Compete in Winter Sports


I'm pretty great and everything, but my boy Matt (go to Twitter and follow him right now) is a bona fide Photojob expert. That's why I reached out to him with the formal freelance bolg graphics assignment of "Dude put Chase Utley and Ryan Howard on their stools into Winter Olympics events!"

Yeah ... you're welcome. Thanks, Matt! Wait what.

Mirror ice ftw

Eat ice chips, Antonio Apollo Creed Ohnoez

Four man stool-sled wFc

If you'd like to jump into the free content fray and have your own submissions featured on the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with 2012 Cy Young Award Winner and NL MVP Roy Halladay feel free to send them along via ZMail. I'd recommend putting a name thingy on there somewhere because that's just the prudent thing to do (plus I'm easily confused).

Friday, March 23, 2012

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: #ZWRBEER


Our favorite Great American Beer Festival medal winning craft brew virtuoso (and all-around BFF of the bolg) Vince has some exciting news for us. I don't want to give it away, so here's a small hint: So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat is back!!! #ZWRBEER!!! Holy butt!!!



Thursday, March 22, 2012

Heartbreak Abounds in Donkey Nation


It turns out ZWR's hottest bachelor isn't a bachelor at all. All may not be lost, though. Jim's donkey friends (I'll call each Giancarlo) might just be available to sit next to while you steal- under the cover of your oversized, designer sunglasses- recondite glances at the Buster Posey of Donkey Nation as he sips half price domestic pints. Here, I'll let Jim explain:

To the lovely ladies of ZWR,


Let me start by saying that I am so totally flattered by your invitations to rendezvous at business establishments that serve food and drink. I was surprised when I saw ZWR's matchmaking post, and all of your compliments have made me feel blush in the face and warm in the heart (Editor's Note: SMOOTH). You're the best female fan base in the MLB, and you've been making baseball beautiful in Philadelphia since 1883…. You gals rock! However, I am currently going steady with a wonderful (and smokin' hot) (Editor's Note: Not as smooth) young lady. But be not saddened! I have many male friends who are more handsome than I, and (almost) as big of Phillies fans. We'd totally be down for double-dating, Phillies tailgating, riding tandem bikes, playing team charades, buying you ZWR shirts, baking cookies together, etc… So let me know!


Sincerely,
Jim

Sad face. I'm here for you girls, nonetheless. If you want to go out with the friend of a guy whose picture you saw on a (preeminent) bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay just let me know and I'll dial up one of the Giancarlos!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Rich Dubee (Rightfully) Tells Everyone To Go Screw (SRHPY-ish)


Here's a good article by Matt Gelb on Roy Halladay's outing yesterday. The highlight is Phils pitching coach Rich Dubee speaking his mind loosely about HLHIII and firmly in response to the inane  panic/speculation/gleeful loser franchise chiding/whatever-you-want-to-call-it in reaction to a few practice game performances. GET EM, DUBES:
"People can say whatever," pitching coach Rich Dubee said. "We're talking about a guy who is 188-92 in his career. He should have won 20 last year. He pitched to one of his lowest ERAs last year. What's the panic? It's what spring training is about. That's Roy Halladay right there. What, six innings and 72 pitches? Maybe a couple of misfires here and there? Cutter was accelerating through the strike zone again. Sinker was going the other way. Split was back. Everything was in place."
Concur.

David Warren

Notes
Also, Michael Martinez is dead:

Also David Warren

ZWR In The Wild (featuring AMAZING Wheels photo!)


I love looking at pictures of you donkeys in ZWR shirts- it makes me so happy. And since today's Monday, which is butt^squared, I can use all the happies I can get. Let's do this thing!

Sheri and her family enjoying Clearwooder action:


Jose the awesome architect didn't even tell me his wife's name in introducing this picture. What a bubblehead. I'm gonna guess and say it's Michelle (There's a lot of stuff in this post so I'm going to use one of those "after the jump things" now so it doesn't take up the whole screen. Trust me, it's going to be worth it.)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Chase Utley's Knees in Animated MS Paint


Why Work Should Let You Wear Jeans on Monday


19 March, 2012

ZWR Consulting (HR/Organizational Leadership Division) industry study results indicate data that may be of use to policy makers and/or business unit leadership at client sites. Surveys and detailed follow-up sessions with non-senior management band employees suggest that Jeans Friday is wasted on the last- and best- day of the work week. Said one junior accounting staff member, "dude, I don't do anything on Fridays anyway except play on the internet... they already rule. Plus, that's when we get donuts and go to B-Dubs (Note: Buffalo Wild Wings; BWLD (NASDAQ)) for lunch." His supervisor, a woman in the role of Segment Lead, Project Cost Division/Small Projects added, "It's true. Total overkill."

Friday, March 16, 2012

Ryan Howard Crafts a Byronesque Verse


When Jimmy Rollins, upon hearing word of Ryan Howard's infection, surmised rather candidly that the slugger may miss an extended portion of the coming season spirits understandably dipped. In Philadelphia, amongst the global fan base of the National League's benchmark franchise, and- it seems- in the locker room.

Shortly after the team's 6-4 win over the Atlanta Braves, an inconsolably somber Howard gathered his teammates around a lone chair in the center of the clubhouse. He then mounted it, towering above the others literally as he once did symbolically, and recited with words heavy and dampened by sadness the following:

SO, we'll go no more popo-ing
So late into the night,
Though the bell be still as glowing,
And the moon be still as bright.


For the sprint outwears its burst,
And the wounds wear out the Phillies,
And batters spring toward first,
And asplode their poor achilles.


Though the game was made for loving,
As the summer skies turn dark,
Yet we'll go no more popo-ing
By Citizens Bank Park.

Howard's leg then slipped and he fell off the chair and everybody laughed. He got up,  felt fine, and said, "Bro I'm back in April don't worry." Catharsis achieved, moving-on commenced.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

ZWR.Com's Official Response to Those Panicking Over Yesterday's Outing


The One Where ZWR is Matchmaking


It should come as no surprise that the fashion-forward ZWR apparel sported in last week’s In the Wild (featuring amazing photos of Roy) is stirring up all kinds of happy feelings. And while it should also be of no great shock that donning a So Cuttered or Let's Go Eat jawn would improve upon your appeal to others, it's been rather ... fun ... for me to witness the reaction to submitter Jim. Put summarily, the ladies love Jim. I mean, I can see it, he's a good looking donkey:


Right?

(Turns to Jim) So here's the deal, yo- girls are emailing me asking if you would, indeed, like to go eat with them. I imagine you'd have to hit up a movie or flash mob or Quizzo or whatever you kids do anymore, but still. What's the story? Is that possible? Or did I just majorly tick off your girlfriend? If so, my bust (but seriously she should be flattered just saying).

ZWR FEMALE FAN BASE: STAY TUNED ...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

ZWR Exclusive: Washington Natinals 2012 Marketing Plan


Yep
I'll give credit where it's due--the Natinals' "Forget You, Philly" / "Take Back the Park" campaign was adorable. While it didn't really work or anything (it's hard to fight an infinity of apathy), our little cousins in the District definitely showed themselves to be scrappers. I appreciate that. I mean, it's better than the self-pitying submission in Queens or garish aquarium building in Florida.

With all of that said (one might call it an introduction), ZWR sources were able to obtain from the Nats fan development offices (they love me down here, HA!) a detailed listing of other marketing campaigns/in-park promotions slated for 2012. Here, take a peek:

Saturday, March 10, 2012

ZWR In The Wild


It's that time of year again, when donkey nation heads down to Clearwooder en masse to enjoy our heroes and get stupidface drunk whilst NOMMING blackened grouper sammies on the Gulf side. I hope you're enjoying yourselves, kids. On to the pics (now complete with twitter links and bios just because).

Joseph looking fashion-forward in his classic So Cuttered and matching slouch fit cap, yo:


Dan "taking the 610 to the 717" (he's basically a gangster):

Born thuggin' and raw ... with Mimosas!
Washington celebrity media personality (second only in my heart in terms of DC radio donkeys to Liz Drabick) Roche showing us what we already knew- that the District really is incapable of ever forgetting Philly:

PLAY FREEBIRD!

Darn right you do.

Friendly (duh) reminder: that can be you up there with goofy captions underneath pictures of your glorious mug on the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay. Just send in your photos from the 'Wooder or Lot K or CBP or CBP South or wherever. 

Friday, March 9, 2012

zOMG CHOLLY BALLER


Some donkey named Jeff posted this on my facebook group thingy I don't know where it's from but it is beyond awesome and needed to be posted IMMEDIATELY. Charlie is the best ever.

Salami Wrap, indeed

Roy in His Natural Habitat, ZWR in the Wild(!!!)


Yes, yes, yes sir, yes please, yes I like everything about this, yu-huh, I want to go there, yay, this is so awesome. ZWR enthusiast Jimmy sent the pics your eyes are about to look at and your brain is about to process and your heart is about to cherish from Clearwooder. IJELLY. Admitted. He even wrote stuff. I'll share that now as well:

Hello friend! (Editor's note: Awwwwww)

SO I just got back from the beautiful baseball preseason paradise that is Clearwater, Fl and was fortunate to snag a couple photos of HLHIII working hard. First, I spotted him on the practice field doing repeat warning tracks (I had to wait until he stopped because every other photo only showed a red blur…weird).

Workout was so intense the cone fainted


After that I encountered him on the phone (with who I can only imagine is his wife as they discuss how the great weather would make for a good trip to, perhaps, the zoo).

Hello, recycling pant? No worries, I'll run it all over. 


Finally, the last pic is not actually Roy, just me wearing one of my favorite shirts standing in front of the sign that displays just EXACTLY how far I traveled to see the Fightins…. Enjoy!

Making the ladies swoon

Dude I know right? ZWR in the Wild - from Spring Training - with dope pictures of HLHIII. AND it's (basically) the freakin weekend! I love the Phillies and everything life is awesome brb hugging.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

MLB 2K12 Commercial Features Stunning Likeness of Roy Halladay


Totally relevant to kids who happen to like baseball AND play video games in 2012

Oh, wait, that's not Roy Halladay. It's Jim Bunning, the extremely conservative former Senator from the state of Kentucky. Huh. That's weird. I would have sworn that Roy was on the cover of the same game last year and in 2010 actually threw a perfec--

Wait, nevermind.

FIXED IT:

Much better

Here's the full commercial featuring Kate Upton (naturally, duh):

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Lenny Dykstra: Grand Theft Auto 4






As I'm sure you all know by now, Lenny Dysktra was sentenced to three years in federal prison yesterday for basically being an all-around fraudulent scumbag with a weak throwing arm. I made that last part up--having a noodle arm is not actually an imprison-able offense in the United States. Anyway,  the charges include falsifying financial information and, obviously, Grand Theft Auto.

As is the case when any well-known athlete gets in legal trouble, the puns come out. Here's the judge in the case, Cynthia Ulfig:
"Mr. Dykstra might not believe he is a criminal, but his actions have been criminal," she said, invoking baseball terminology such as "strikes" and "home run" to underscore her point.
Derp.

But hey! Even if it turns out that the heroes of our youth are criminal, narcissistic scumbags, at least we have Photoshop to unite us. And for that, today, we have @_magowan to thank.

Monday, March 5, 2012

A Roy Halladay Anaconda Rap Song ("HE BREAKS SNAKES")


So there I was, just minding my own business on a Sunday morning eating some waffles, when all of a sudden I get an email that contained a link to the following. Apparently, some absolutely facebreaking creative rap genius named Flula recorded this short ditty* about Roy Halladay breaking snakes faces.

Okay, I've typed too much already - just listen and then retweet and share this because the world needs to hear this too:

 
Link here if the embedded audio doesn't work for you. Thanks to Doug for the link.

We'll forgive Flula for not mentioning Roy's cutter and just assume it was for the sake of creative license/convenience. DOC DOC DOC HALLADAY, HE BREAK SNAKES AND HAS A LOW ERA


* apparently this existed 10 days ago but I'm just now finding out about it. WTH, people?!

So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday - 2012! (3.4.12 v the Yankees)


Yet another familiarity revisited that leaves us cheerful with the knowledge that baseball is back: our first SRHPY of 2012! It wasn't the most eventful outing ever for our heroes, but HLHIII looked (to these unbiased, purely analytic eyes) to be in midseason form yesterday in [wherever the donkey Yankees play] with three punch-outs in two innings.

The Yankees did plate a run when Alex Rodriguez lofted a lazy pop up to right that caught a favorable gust which deposited it just over the graciously short porch in right. I was okay with that, though, as Rodriguez just strikes me as the type of likable overachiever you can't help but root for.

"But ZWR, what was the line?!?!??!" Fair question: 2 IP, 2 H, 1 ER (noted above), 0 BB (duh), 3 K (1 Cuttered / 2 So Cuttered), infinite happies.

Credit: Yong Kim. Yong Kim is the only person in Florida with a camera.

And then when you needed more reason to love everything there's this:

7:43 AM. Alone. A day after starting. The best pitcher in baseball doing this. Think about that.
So that's about it, kids.

Oh actually no it's not I also have a rap song about Roy Halladay that some British guy (or at least I think he's British) sent me that I'm going to post later that is 100% certain to break your face off so be sure to put on your goalie mask or Saran Wrap your head.

No, I mean it.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

LOL Phillies, Spring Training 2012 Edition Hunter Pence


Original photos by awesomeface Yong Kim of Philly.com



By the way, who pitches today?

Friday, March 2, 2012

ZWR in the Wild: Logan Morrison Reality Show Edition



Here's a video clip from Logan "@LoMoMarlins" Morrison and Bryan Petersen's (he's a Marlins player, I think) new reality bro show. Anywho, this is totally relevant for two reasons 1) because in the trailer for the show you'll notice LoMo wearing a ZWR shirt (2010 vintage "Facebroke"), and 2) he's holding a zoo animal!

And HEY, SPEAKING OF T-SHIRTS, SARGE: ZWR t-shirts are 15% off (only until March 5, so hurry!) if you spend $30 or more. Just use the code "CLEARWOODER" at checkout.

OH HAI
If you're wondering how LoMo got that t-shirt in the first place, it's because I mailed it to him two seasons ago after he literally broke his face. It's totally not shocking that he's still wearing it out in public almost two years later, because as we all know, ZWR threads are timeless treasures of the highest quality.

 .

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Oh, hello NL East, good to see you again


Getty Images

More photo day pics here and here.

ALSO:

 Photobucket

The Annotated Bibliography for Next Year's Roy Halladay Term Paper




Lawrence, R. (2013). Roy Halladay and My 150 Free Lunches & Per Diem Checks. Philadelphia: Delco Publishing, Inc.

Phillies beat writer Ryan Lawrence’s method differs slightly from his peers, and this is evidenced most notably by his decision to focus in-depth on each component of the buffet dinner he ate in the press box on the night of Halladay’s third perfect game of the 2012 season. 


Quite the character, Lawrence’s tone is captured perfectly by his book’s dedication: “This book is dedicated to ZWR – now maybe I can get that shirt, donkey?! LOLOLOL. But for real, I wear a large, American Apparel please.”



Meech, M. (N/A). Letters to a Roy Halladay Nation. Philadelphia: Fishtown Boxworks.

Meech’s haunting meditation on Roy Halladay as Christ figure to a post 9-11, war wary and economically downtrodden homeland was approaching completion in late-2012. The author was rumored to have been hard at work on his opus for years, in the seclusion of Philadelphia’s fabled “Jetro” cash and carry parking lot

Unfortunately for this Salinger figure's fans, however, the project soon ran out of funding under mysterious circumstances. Despite the author’s popularity and a built-in audience’s ravenous demand for the product, the book never made it to press. I obtained my copy through back-alley connections that cannot be revealed.


Murphy, D. (2013). Rebel Cuttered: The Tale of Roy Halladay’s Perfect Season (by a F***ing Stud). Philadelphia: Petzrawr Publishing.

In this account--a beat writer’s experiential narrative--Murphy attempts to capture and relay all happenings surrounding Halladay’s 2012 season. Road trips, clubhouse interactions, and personal conversations convey the book’s message throughout.

A young and “fresh” reporter, Murphy is able to meld his affable ways with the impact of the subject matter. His tone is crisp and his vocabulary sprawling, yet less-pointed at times than counterparts found in the research literature. One could say that the author is, in fact, the rebel in question. It is admittedly odd how often he refers to himself and personal grooming in great detail considering that it’s not pertinent to the story at hand.


Rovell, D. (2013). Halladay’s Dollars per Pitch per Strike per Minute per Second; The Business of Being an Ace. New York: LCD Publishing.

Frankly, I don’t understand the author’s fascination with simply using the protagonist’s salary as the numerator in a ceaseless series of inane calculations. This made no sense to me and was utterly useless in my studies. Clearly, Rovell is not a “Division Champ” (Get it?).


Scott, K. (2013). It’s Hard Now: Dropping Knowledge with Roy as he goes HAM in the Illadelph. Villanova: Pageview Press.

The most read book of any (and by far the most irreverent) in the field, famed-blogger Scott’s account is littered throughout with phallic imagery, alcoholic references and in-jokes for the TMZ-crowd. Yet somehow despite its banality, the work resonates deeply. It’s Hard Now outsold all other books published on the subject matter, and communes the season’s tale with both stunning starkness and impenetrable vagueness. In the words of the author, “it spits truth that the haters don’t want to hear about.”


Zolecki, T (2012). How to NOT Buy Face-Breaking Bolggers Funnel Cake. Beloit: Zo-Zone House.

Fargle Bargle I'm done.
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