Monday, December 31, 2012

Jeffrey Lurie Presents Andy Reid with One Final Game Ball



The Philadelphia Inquirer was there to capture what had to be an incredibly touching moment:

Desean looks pretty pumped about it, actually

The O'Nine Factor: FanSince09 Interviews a Guy Who Got "Fire Andy" Tattooed on His Butt



WARNING: The following contains extremely graphic images of a recently tattoed butt. Younger bolg readers should be advised. EDITOR'S NOTE: FanSince09's views do not necessarily reflect those of the Zoo With Roy bolg network. 


[THE O'NINE FACTOR INTRO MUSIC]

 

Tattoos!

In the bible, God says, “You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks upon you.”  But Holland, PA’s Dylan B. said “YOLO” to God, and answered to a higher power: Twitter.  

It was a single tweet that set things into motion, with Dylan claiming he’d obtain a rather specific  tattoo if 500 people retweeted him:

[Ominous music plays]

Well, soon enough he shattered that 500 retweet milestone, and the rest is history.

Is this an act of a true fan trying to send a pointed message, or someone looking for attention?  I’ll find out right now, as Dylan steps into the No Hammels Zone!



O’Nine: Dylan, thanks for joining us today.  Let me start off by saying how not surprised I am that you’re white. 

Dylan: Thanks?

O’Nine:  You’re welcome. Now, The first question that’s on everyone’s mind right now is WHY? 

Dylan: At the time I was pretty bored and this seemed to be a rather entertaining idea that backfired… like usual.

O’Nine:  I notice you went to Penn State.  What do you think Couch Paterno, who past away, would say about your tattoo?

Dylan:  “#FTK”

O’Nine:  Hasn’t the school suffered enough?

Dylan:  I think all the birds fans at Penn State will feel pride.

O’Nine: How much money did this cost you?

Dylan:  $150, including tip.

O’Nine:  Seems perfectly reasonable, especially in this economy.

Let’s get a picture of the final result up here now:

 
 
O’Nine: How's sitting?


Dylan: I’m not a doctor, but the amount blood doesn’t seem healthy.

O’Nine:  Do you think your Tattoo artist needed to do a better job?

Dylan:  I was actually shocked with how well it came out.

O’Nine:  In the grand scheme of poor life decisions you’ve made, where does this rank?

Dylan:  Easily third, and if you knew why you’d definitely agree.

O’Nine:  Hey! This is the No Hammels Zone, you can’t give that kind of answer here!  What’s your biggest regret?  Do I need to bring your mans on and have them snitch?

Dylan: OK, OK, fine! I [REDACTED] a fat chick….twice. “Diesel” was her name. Good enough?

O’Nine: SMH.

 

O’Nine:   I'm wondering about your decision to put this on your butt and not a more visible area such as the center of your forehead. I question your commitment. 

Dylan: Well I feel like the idea of an ass tattoo is right in my ballpark of humor. I’ve always considered a sarcastic forehead tattoo, but the few moral fibers I had prevented me.

O’Nine:  Well, with the hidden tattoo, I’m questioning whether or not you REALLY want them to fire Andy?

Dylan:  I think Andy’s time is done, but not like one of those crazy [BUTTHOLE] fans that don’t recognize what he did for this team.

O’Nine:  Yes, of course we should recognize all he’s done for the team: drafting Low Throw McBlow, losing 4 NFC Championship Games, 14 years without a parade.

I’m more bothered by you saying he’s accomplished anything than your trysts with Diesel.

 


O’Nine: In 60 years when your grandkids ask you who Andy is, what will you say? 

Dylan:  I really hope my grandkids don’t have to ever see my butt.

O’Nine:   Thanks for joining us, Dylan.  

When we return on the O'Nine Factor: Bumonic Clown--sleeper agent for the Mets?  I say yes.  
More after this...

[Music Plays as we go to commercial break]




Sunday, December 30, 2012

ZWR's Top 12 Posts from 2012



I'm told that people on the internet love information presented to them in easily digestible lists, so here are the 12 "best" ZWR posts from 2012, as voted by you, the primates of donkey nation. Click any of the links below to check out the original posts. 

In all seriousness, thanks to everyone for a really great 2012 here on the bolg. Thanks for reading, and look for lots more cool stuff planned in the new year. See you in MMXIII.

12. Awesome Emma Live on the Red Carpet 
Check it out for the awkward Vance (you'll be missed) Worley interaction and Awesome E's overall facebreaking adorableness. Stay for the J-Roll high five.

ohai Chase Utley

Friday, December 28, 2012

Phillies Set to Introduce New Year's Eve Tradition


Odds are you'll spend the final seconds of Monday night- and 2012- with your eyes set on a television, watching the ball drop at Times Square (and if you're a reader of this bolg you'll also be holding a super fine hottie that's dying to be kissed by someone so good looking at bay so as to soak in the sentiment).

Those of you in the Philadelphia area, though, now have the option of taking part in a new tradition. ZWR sources were able to get their hands on an artist's rendering of an actual photograph depicting the scene they anticipate taking place on Pattison Ave as we welcome in the new year. That's right, our Fightins are unveiling something bigger than the 12 foot, 11,875 pound crystal orb those dorks in New York roll out ... a scaled-down version of Placido Polanco's head! See for yourself!

And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Friday, December 21, 2012

Roy Halladay Named I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay's 2012 Man of the Year




 
One of my favorite television shows of all time is The Wonder Years. In one episode, Kevin becomes friends (of sorts) with his school's star basketball player, Bobby Riddle. It's a bit of a one-sided relationship, tinged with admiration. When the team loses the big game and Kevin offers consolation afterward to the dejected hoopster, Bobby- for all intents and purposes- tells him to buzz off. Watching the scene leaves one more sympathetic to Riddle than that summary may, but it is the narrative nonetheless.

Later, Kevin sits at a diner with his dad, Jack. The former is being a dejected teen, and the latter--as he was prone to do--delivers a killer line: "Let me tell ya something, Kev... it's not easy being a hero."

Roy Halladay's heroism wasn't as easy in 2012. There was no division crown, no playoffs at all. None of his starts were perfect. No hitter? No. The injury to insult was ... injury. Suddenly, a fan base--nay, a nation--was faced with a frightening proposition: our hero seemed human, just like us. Men like Roy Halladay aren't supposed to be just like us.

In spite of the collective unrest, Halladay persevered. He fought through injury and returned to make his final starts of the season, however disappointing it all may have been. Halladay knew he wasn't where he wanted or needed to be to dominate, that each hit led to more whispers, more questions, more judgement from those who (truth be told) would give up every last bit of their 140 character snark to get their grubby hands on but a drop of the potion that concocts a career like the one Roy's had. He didn't care. Roy Halladay fought on, he worked harder than everyone else, and he pitched his heart out. Let me tell you something, donkey... it's not easy being a hero.

Roy Halladay is, and that's why he's ZWR's 2012 Man of the Year.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Michael Young: Serial Killer or True Professional?



I'm not sure if anyone heard about this, but the Phillies announced Michael Young to the world the other day during a press conference. I didn't really follow it at the time, but later I did come across this picture of Michael Young with incredible serial-killery-murder-eyes. It's glorious:

PICTURE COURTESY OF PHILLY.COM/YONG KIM

And soon as I saw it, I knew what had to be done. So I present to you, Donkey Nation, my favorite meme as of this very moment:

Michael Young, Serial Killer




Oh of course I already made a bazillion more, after the "jump". Feel free to make your own and send them to the ZMail address linked on the menu bar.

Roy Halladay Agrees With The Mayans




Friday, December 14, 2012

We could all use a smile



Today was pretty terrible. So here's Twitter's @smoore1117's 1-year-old giggling while clowning the family dog in a Roy Halladay t-shirt.

The Eagles, In One Sentence


Mat MacBriar had his punt blocked when he kicked the ball directly into Marvin McNutt's armpit.

 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Letter to Pete Ciarrocchi, Chairman and CEO of Chickie’s and Pete’s



WHAT.

Dear Mr. Chairman,

It has come to this bolg’s attention that one of the Philadelphia Phillies' most recent acquisitions, stud future all-star outfielder and dog-lover Ben Revere, came to your establishment recently with the hopes of enjoying his FIRST EVER Philadelphia cheesesteak. While I understand that as an executive you cannot literally be down in the weeds tending to each individual transaction taking place under the umbrella of your company, it is nonetheless reasonable to expect that those carrying out the operations of your organization maintain a sense of personal responsibility concerning the customer experience. Moreover, the notion of what your product represents (beyond the soggy roll) cannot be obscured. 

WHAT.

I'll be brief, Mr. Ciarrocchi: In providing the above sandwich to Mr. Revere, under the guises noted, your organization failed the entire city of Philadelphia, the Phillies organization, and Mr. Revere. Further, you cheated a young man of an experience he can never get back: his first time. You were given the honor of delivering this man's first cheesesteak experience, he selected you from a large field of competitors, and you failed.

This so-called representation of a "cheesesteak" is an outright abomination:
  1. FIRST, while some inconsistencies in quality can be explained away given the quality of the mobile phone picture, this "cheesesteak" does not actually appear to be made of beef. How will Ben Revere ever develop the gap-to-gap power we need him to in order to properly win this trade if you can't give him good old (and proper) red meat? Whether or not Ben Revere intended to have a chicken cheesesteak as his first cheesesteak experience, all efforts should have been made to deliver as genuine a Philadelphia experience as possible to first-timer. A chicken cheesesteak is not a "cheesesteak". On this matter, your franchise has failed considerably.
  2. SECOND, Lettuce and Tomato. LETTUCE AND FARGLING TOMATO. No, just no. No. Absolutely not, never, under no circumstances, should a "cheesesteak hoagie" be delivered to a guest as his or her first "cheesteak" experience. Utterly shameful.
We sincerely hope your franchise will take the above under advisement, and deliver a sincere and well-crafted apology to Mr. Ben Revere, the future of the Philadelphia Phillies organization. Please make it up to this young man. He deserves better, your franchise's reputation deserves better, and the City deserves better.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I Had A Dream. We Should Sign Josh Hamilton.




I had a dream last night that the Phillies signed Josh Hamilton, but the Nashville Predators matched the offer and we lost him. Then, at his introductory press conference, he was wearing the face-breaking Shea Weber shirt I had set to launch once he was a Flyers. The audacity!

I was so angry I threw a Hot Pocket at the television, and then the Nag yelled at me, and then I told her not to worry because it was a stupid ham & cheese one not pepperoni or meatball or anything, and then she yelled at me for thinking she was mad at wasting a Hot Pocket as opposed to launching it at a pricey household electronic device.

But yes, the dream, what does it mean? As far as I can tell, two things:

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

TURBOBIRD


My internet friend Cranekicker is a HUGH-GE Hugh Douglas fan, so you can imagine his delight when he was able to get the entire bar to quiet down for him to record Dan Baker announcing a tackle from old number 53 by his trademark nickname on his Samsung Galaxy Note II smartphone. I'm posting it here on the bolg because Douglas blocked CK on Twitter and hates his face.


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Michael Young Once Won Tiniest, See-Throughiest "Trophy" Ever


Baseball folks like to describe potentially soon-to-be Phillies third baseman Michael Young as a "winner". The below is seemingly evidence to that. I mean, seriously, MLB/All-Star Game donkeys, you gave that thing out? It's smaller than his hands.

Dude what is that a perfect attendance award?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Ryan Petzar's Ode to Ed Wade


ZWR.com (unpaid) senior staffer and Philly.com (paid) Social Media Czar Ryan "PETZRAWR" Petzar was so excited about the discovery of Ed Wade's terrorist arms dealers novel that he... well... wrote a story of his own, in the fashion of Mr. Wade. It's below the jump, donkey face. Enjoy!






Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Christmas Memories: Roy and Bing





The Holiday season is known for surprises. One of the biggest came in 1977 when, during a broadcast of Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas television special, a fresh-faced young pitcher named H. Leroy Halladay popped up on screen to sing a duet with the crooner. The contrast was striking: the wholesome, white-haired, White Christmas icon of yesteryear and the face-breaking man in red who dashes the spirits of nine men each start. Despite the odd pairing, it would be an understatement to simply say that it worked. As with everything Roy Halladay touches, it was a masterpiece... and the performance, like all, lives on for generations.

Monday, December 3, 2012

zOMG Ed Wade's Novel



This one's courtesy of the donkeys at Astros County, who are probably taking solace in the notion that Ed Wade was at least writing a novel about terrorists while destroying their franchise. I mean, it's just too rich so I'm going to excerpt the Amazon description:
Steve Laun returns home to attend the funeral of a father he hasn't seen in years, only to learn that his father's "accidental" death is cloaked in mystery. With the help of neighbors and a burning desire to correct wrongs on a number of fronts, Laun sets out to get to the bottom of his father's death, and, in the process, uncovers and thwarts the efforts of a local arms dealer with worldwide terrorist connections. While following Laun's quest for justice, we learn that there is more to Steve Laun than meets the eye.

"Local arms dealer with worldwide terrorist connections" = YES, PLEASE!!!! 


This is Not a Joke:

Wade, a 1977 Journalism graduate of Temple University, has made his living as a Major League Baseball executive, including 12 years as a General Manager; 1998-2005 with the Philadelphia Phillies and 2008-11 with the Houston Astros. Wade incorporates his interests in skydiving and the military in this non-sports endeavor.
omg

AND BECAUSE I'M A LOVABLE IDIOT
You'll notice on the right a link where you can buy Wade's book about arms dealers with terrorist ties and I'll get $0.40 each or something. Then send in your reviews and I'll post each and every one ASAP.

It Was Perfect


Click for hugeness

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