Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Evaluating the Eagles Coaching Options

It has been a crazy few days in the NFL world, highlighted locally by the Eagles relieving iconic head coach Andy Reid of his duties. Much has been said and written of Big Red's legacy; we'll leave that for others. What I propose to do here is perform a thorough, detailed analysis (what else would one expect of ZWR Gridiron Analytics?) of the primary targets in the organization's head coaching search.

Chip Kelly (Oregon, Head Coach)

I'm not going to lie, I'm intrigued. How couldn't you be? This donkey gets off eight hundred snaps a game and his offense is more about tempo, spacing, and match-ups than it is some stupid college rushing attack. It's so exciting! Have you watched Oregon play? zOMG would Nike make us super cool disco ball helmets and dope Kelly Green unis? Is that another factor to consider?! BRAIN ASPLODE.

But still, it just leaves me a little ... anxious.

Bill O'Brien (Penn State, Head Coach)

Oh my goodness, this is tough. Hiring "BOB" comes at a great price: Approximately $18M in buyouts plus all of the lunatics at Penn State will want to kill Jeff Lurie. Tom Corbett might even sue the Eagles. O'Brien showed that he's an incredibly bright offensive mind last season, turned Matt McGloin from an impending turnover into one of the Big Ten's best quarterbacks, and displayed tremendous leadership ability. The butt chin would rule in Philadelphia, but it's really really complicated. I can't even.

Mike McCoy (Denver, Offensive Coordinator)

This dude has no shoulders no way later dork go buy a calculator.

Doug Marrone (Syracuse, Head Coach)

Remember in A Charlie Brown Christmas when Lucy and Schroeder are by the piano and they discuss Beethoven? She eventually blurts out, "He never got his picture on bubblegum cards, did he? Have you ever seen his picture on a bubblegum card? Hmmm? How can you say someone is great who's never had his picture on bubblegum cards?" I'm applying the bubblegum card theory to Marrone. Sure, he did well at Syracuse and has NFL experience and all, but I've never seen his picture on any bubblegum cards. PASS.

Which leaves us with ... 

All of these guys have sizzle, but is there enough steak? There's style, but how much substance? Reid's history casts a sizable shadow, who can step out into the light? This is as pivotal a moment Jeff Lurie has faced since hiring the portly assistant from Green Bay during the Clinton presidency. It's a crucial fork in the road for the franchise, a decision whose impacts will be felt for years to come. The Eagles cannot miss.

Therefore, formally nominates Roy Halladay:

Roy Halladay, Bolg Muse, Two-time Cy Young Award Winner and Threepeat ZWR Man of the Year
On the roooooaaad to victorrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy


  1. LeSean McCoy would benefit. SO CUTBACKED!

  2. He's a decent pitcher, but would probably suck as a football coach.

    1. ahem. Decent?

    2. Yeah, decent. His last win was what like three months ago? Can't believe we kept him on the roster.

    3. You are out of your mind if you truly believe he is only decent. News Flash: The Phillies last game was like three month ago so it would be hard to win in the offseason...

  3. Uh, excuse me, ZWR. I don't mean to be insulting, since this is your bolg and all. But may we, if only for a brief moment, harken back to a day of the Player/Coach?

    Therefore I proposed that Roy Halladay immediately assumes duties of Quarterback and Head Coach.

    The best part about that would be then Chooch could be the slot receiver since he's the only one allowed to catch it when Roy throws. Plus Chooch could be the Offensive Coordinator (mental image of Chooch with his mask on calling "ZX right, pass pro, on three" and Roy slowly shaking him off). Dubee could just be the QB Coach (if only to make Roy happy and get him crustables).

    1. I like this. Is adderall legal in the NFL?

    2. Hi, it's me again.

      Chooch would just say, "Saaaan Paytone may me tayyke eeet."

      Case dismissed.


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