Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Evan and ZWR Recap Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor


Hey there, kids. Evan from TV My Wife Watches and I are back this week with another Bachelor recap, and this time we decided to go with categories because ... well ... we just wanted to. So on to it!

Moment I Almost Threw my TV out the Window

ZWR: Seven seconds into the episode, when they showed a stupid “Sean exercising shirtless montage”. Screw this show I hate it oh yeah great he’s on a treadmill now whatever.

TVMWW: Pretty sure he was using a Bowflex, which I would totally need to use for around seven straight weeks if I ever wanted to throw a television out a window. Those things are heavy!

I couldn’t handle it when Kristy started crying after her team lost the volleyball game, meaning she wouldn’t get any more time with Sean. HOW ARE YOU CRYING? YOU’VE KNOWN THE DUDE FOR TEN MINUTES. And just because you’re not gonna get more time with him does not mean he’s going to send you home. Relax, lady. Everything’s going to be okay. Trust me, I’ve been watching this show for YEARS. 


(45 minutes after I wrote this, Sean sent her home.)



Oh go screw

Lady Most Likely To Order Tomato Soup

TVMWW: Gotta be a slurper, so I’m going with the lady who did some slurpin’ and burpin’ with Sean on the group date. Great job outta her. Before tonight, she was a no-name, but after shoving her tongue down Sean’s throat on national television, she made sure that everyone knows her name: Mrs. Slurpy Lady.

ZWR: Gotta go with the blonde lady from Oregon, because she looks older than the other girls and old people like tomato soup. She’d probably eat it with some Saltines, too, in true old person fashion. Then have some ribbon candy, and watch McHale’s Navy. I may or may not be describing my mom-mom’s old neighbor by now but who cares.



OM NOM CAMPBELL'S NOM

Winner of Ep

ZWR: Holy crap Sean you brought the less-than-two-armed girl’s dog over in a limo?! Well done, you handsome devil.

TVMWW: Those two young girls. OMG that was so sad / wonderful that ABC shut down Six Flags for them. That had to be the greatest day of their pathetic, horrible, boring lives. I was touched. So much so that I have vowed to not complain about my perfectly healthy and wonderful life for at least the next 10 minutes. That being said, my wife made brownies tonight, but put some sort of weird mocha/coffee flavoring in them that was way too strong I mean c’mon why mess with brownies they’re perfectly great as is also how do we not have any lemonade in this house this is ridiculous.


Loser of Ep

ZWR: Kacie B NOBODY LIKES A TATTLE TALE!!!

TVMWW:  I’m going with the ABC camera crew. They showed us three full minutes of people kissing WITHOUT USING THEIR TONGUES and yet they completely missed that lady falling down the stairs? Unacceptable. I WANT TONGUE AND I WANT SKULL BASHING. I also want more footage of Sean on that Bowflex because A) he has a chest like a golden God and B) I need to lean how to use a Bowflex THERE’S SO MANY CABLES.

ZWR: I bought a BROFLEX at the Sports Authority in Deptford in 2003.

BALLER of Ep

ZWR: The Kournikova-looking girl. During the dumb record kiss bit she was all “oh heeeeeyyy” with her hands and then on the hotel roof she was giving him the come hither eyes and Sean had to do everything in his power not to bite her face off he was FEELING IT yo it was pretty obvi she just ballin’ like a baller do.


Heeeeeeyyyyyy

TVMWW: No brainer. The black chick who said, “Do you want a taste of chocolate?” in the scenes from the next ep. I know what my answer would be. I know what my answer would be!

MY ANSWER WOULD BE YES.

THAT’S WHAT MY ANSWER WOULD BE.

MY ANSWER WOULD BE YES BECAUSE I WOULD WANT A TASTE OF CHOCOLATE.

I’M REALLY GOOD AT ANSWERING QUESTIONS.

(Editor's Note: The Nag agrees with Evan on this one)


Biggest Donk

ZWR: Hey look at me I just fell and busted my butt ZOINKS now the ambulance is here DERP.


ZOINKS

TWMWW: Sad really that the lady with the biggest donk also happens to be the biggest nightmare. Also, kind of amazing that there’s not a reality show called “Biggest Donk” where chicks just work out on Bowflexes and try to grow their donks pretty sure it would shatter every Neilsen rating how can we make this happen I seriously think this is the best idea I’ve ever had, not like other people I know who decide to put coffee in brownies I mean c’mon why mess with perfectsh?!?!

ZWR: That actually is a good idea you should call BRAVO right now and keep the rights because I guarantee in two years they’ll be pushing “The Real Donks of Charlotte” or some poop.

Honorable mention to whichever producer thought a beach volleyball game would have been a good idea.

Lady Who Didn’t Need to Go There

ZWR: AshLee, I mean, your date was a charity thing with adorable kids at an amusement park where ABC made it impossible for you to smooch faces there was no possible way you were getting eliminated why on earth did you use the adoption story SAVE THAT FOR WHEN YOU NEED IT. Oh my goodness I sound like an awful human being but I mean for real that’s strategy, bro.

TVMWW: Kacie B, why oh why did you tattle on those other chicks? That is WITHOUT A DOUBT the dumbest thing a person can do on this show. STRATEGY, LADY, STRATEGY! The second she noticed that her ship was sinking she should’ve “accidentally” dropped her pocket book, picked it up with her teeth, and then shook her head like a dog, spilling everything in her bag all over the wet, hot, sloppy, Bachelor driveway. Then she could’ve proceeded to bend over and pick up each item one-by-one, staring back at Sean each time while saying, “whoops,” and flipping her dress up to show him her fallopian tubes. This is basic Bachelor strategy 101, people!


Later dork

Woman Who I Think Would Probably Win a Bachelorette Tennis Tournament

ZWR: Desiree because she’s cute that has nothing to do with tennis at all.

TVMWW: Gotta be the 45-year old lady who has absolutely no estrogen in her body. She’s spent a little too much time on a Bowflex, Martina Navratilova-style. For the record, I find Martina to be MUCH more attractive than 75% of the ladies on this show also I’m attracted to dudes.  

Person Who I'd Most Likely Buy Shaving Lotion From at a Mall Kiosk

ZWR: Robyn, because she scares me. I’d buy like nine bottles if she looked at me all mean even though that Nivea stuff is like $3.50 at Target.


"You best buy some lotion or I'ma cut you like this shirt."
"Yes ma'am."

TVMWW: Orphan Lady. I’m a sucker for orphans. She could sell me anything. I could see my interaction with Orphan Lady at a mall kiosk going something like this:

ORPHAN LADY:  Excuse me. Excuse me, sir? Isn’t razor burn just the worst?

ME:  Yeah, but so is chronic diarrhea, which I have. All the time. Is there a bathroom nearby?

ORPHAN LADY:  Yeah, right by the Cinnabon. But actually, I was an orphan soooo …

ME:  13 bottles, please!

ORPHAN LADY:  If you buy 14, you get a free avocado.

ME:  I’m allergic to avocados.

ORPHAN LADY: Orphan.

ME: Make it 20!

Best Dressed

ZWR: Definitely that paramedic guy did you see his t-shirt? It was blue.

TVMWW: I thought Lindsey had really nice nail polish I’m also not quite sure who Lindsey is or if there’s a lady named Lindsey.

ZWR: It’s actually spelled Lynn'd'ezeee.

Biggest Vocabulary

TVMWW: Lesley the kissing bandit referred to the rose up for grabs on her date as an “elephant in the room” which I was very impressed with. She also said that she took “lots of AP classes in high school,” which I was not impressed with I mean c’mon lady school sucks.




ZWR: When did people start bragging so much about AP classes? I hate when folks do that. I’m convinced it’s a giant scam industry.

Also, I love how Lesley was all, "oh I wasn't popular in high school all I did was study I was kind of a dork" YEAH RIGHT THAT'S BULLCRAP YOU WERE HOT AND POPULAR JUST ADMIT IT YOU DONK.

Nicest Arm

ZWR: Evan created this category.

TVMWW: One time in college when I was on my way to the dining hall, I walked by this group of kids chucking a football around. One of them was Indian and after he threw a fairly tight spiral, a white kid goes, “Wow. You’ve got a pretty nice arm for an Indian.” It was probably the strangest racist thing I’ve ever heard a person say, and yet I sort of knew exactly what he was talking about. To this day, whenever I walk by an Indian person I say in my head, “nice arm.” So I’m giving this award to the most Indian-looking chick on the show, Selma. You’re welcome, Selma.


IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST WEEK'S

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