Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Evan and ZWR's Bachelor Episode 2 Recap!


In which Evan from TV My Wife Watches discovers how to use Google docs, talks of horses, and Rick laments the state of his physical, human self... the fault therein of course being Sean's. 

TVMWW: Of all the ridiculous things that happened this ep (the horse hair lady sending herself home, Sven’s accent being real, the fact that my mother didn’t call me once during the show), the most mind boggling thing had to be Sean’s terrible bathing suit!

ZWR: Dude was that a Jew fro made of yarn?

Zoinks



TVMWW: If it was, that was the most disgusting yarn I’ve ever seen. (I’m also not sure if I’ve ever seen yarn.) But that candy striper suit??? C’mon, Seany! Plus, those trunks were way too long. If you wanna be the Bach, you gotta show off your pipes! (For the record, “pipes” are now legs.) I’ve recently transitioned back into the world of bathing suits that fall above the knee and I must say, it is EXHILARATING. My pipes have never felt so free. I also haven’t taken my shirt off in public since 1989. I have so many moles.

ZWR: Every time Sean took his shirt off the Nag lost her mind. It was ridiculous. Spoiler: She loved his dumb bathing suit. Apparently the length of his shorts doesn’t matter because bro has 43 abs. Also, when he took his shirt off our neighbor texted us, “MORE HOT TUB DATES!!!”

It’s not just the ladies of my cul de sac, either; the chicks on the show are shameless! He bends over to pick something up and they start hooting and whistling like construction workers I mean HAVE SOME DIGNITY ladies he’s not that hot and no I’m not at all jealous stop looking at me go screw. No, not Sean. Whatever.

TVMWW: What kinda bathing suit you rockin’ these days? I don’t know why I’m asking that question.

ZWR: I have a blue one. I bought it with Amazon Prime. Free shipping. I think it’s Speedo, but not a Speedo.

TVMWW: I’ve never worn a Speedo, but part of me really really wants to. And by part of me I mean all of me. Alllllll of me.

ZWR: Once at the WAH’s swim class one of the moms was hot and wearing a tiny bikini. No that wasn’t me getting back at the Nag for drooling over Sean all night, who I’m not jealous of and whose pecs don’t make me hate myself. (Sigh) BRB gotta go do seven pushups.

Oh go screw 

TVMWW: Up until four seconds ago, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to impregnate my wife. But now that I’ve heard that there’s a possibility of one day seeing another woman in a bikini, I’m definitely gonna start trying. Quick question: HOW DOES ONE IMPREGNATE HIS WIFE? ALSO, HOW DOES ONE GET AMAZON FREE SHIPPING? I’M TRYIN’ TO BUY ALL DAT YARN.

ZWR: The latter facilitates the former. BALLER.

Kacie B is a sad, cautionary tale. She went from being an even money favorite with Ben to an old maid with a Snookie bump way too fast, yo. The lesson? Actually, I have no idea. But it’s kind of sad.

TVMWW: She has no chance. There’s no way Captain Candy Stripes is gonna take someone else’s third place, partially because she’s a prude but mostly because now that Horse Hair McGee is gone, Kacie B has the most horse-like hair on the show. I would love to go swimming with a horse.

ZWR: YES ME TOO. Back to Kacie B Horse (who suddenly somehow looks 45 years old maybe it's the lighting)- Be honest with me in answering this important question: Do you think Ben dumped her when he saw that she was … ummm … not affluent? That’s my theory. Like, her hometown marching band was supposed to impress him but he was all, “Oh crud this place is redneck and not the cool country video kind but the scary poor kind I live in a vineyard and look like Zach Braff and have an UGGs toothbrush no way.”

Oh go screw

TVMWW: There’s one other lady who legit looks 45 years old. It might be my wife. I’M KIDDING HONEY. I’m honestly amazed that your wife lets you call her Nag on the Internet. My wife would CUT ME if I did that. I think Flaj dumped Kacie B. because of her bible thumping parents. No disrespect to people who like the bible, I’m sure it’s a very lovely book, but what’s a book? Frankly I’m waiting for the movie musical to come out. (It stars Anne Hathaway as Ruth and Liza Minelli as Liza Minelli.)

ZWR: She’s fine with it but the WAH gives me crap every time she reads a post.

Can I steal you for a minute, EvanTVMWWVM? I totally want to marry my best friend. And find love. My parents are so adorable, and I want that. Ya'know?

TVMWW: There’s really no 5 letters in the English lang that when placed next to each other look dumber than T, V, M, W and W.

ZWR: OH SNAP: Desiree nailed it. My girl was a breakout star- like Bryce Brown against Carolina. Or the crab rangoon you get because there’s a coupon for a free order if you spend $30 and even though the sesame chicken owned and your soup was awesome and you perfected the duck sauce/hot mustard ratio making your egg roll delectable and you ate way too much of your wife’s Mongolian beef that darn CRAB RANGO was the thing you look back and smile on while laying in bed with a big dumb stomachache. Good job, sweetie.

NAILED IT

TVMWW: I thought Des did quite well for herself, tonight. She gets the TV My Wurf Waptches Player of the Game, sponsored by Liza Minelli. Other key awards: Smarty Jones Horse of the Night goes to that horse from the photo shoot. THAT WAS A NICE HORSE. Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role goes to Sven, OBVIOUSLY. Most Arms on a Woman is an 18-way tie. Best Spelling of CRAB RANGO goes to Zoo With Roys. CONGRORGULATIONS!


Well that does it see you kids next week with more abject stupidity about an awful show that's basically just trolling America! Make sure to check out Evan's site... it rules.

3 comments:

  1. I'm starting to think that Sean looks like a younger version of everybody's hero, Roy Halladay.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We are never, ever, ever getting back togetherJanuary 16, 2013 at 10:39 AM

    I don't watch the Bachelor (well, not for any more than 5.6 minutes), but I love these recaps. Better than the show.

    ReplyDelete

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