Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Evster and Not Me Recap Last Night's "The Bachelor"

Hey everybodys, The Evster here. Zoo With Roy asked me to fly solo this week while he’s on vacashe in sunny Florida.  But I kinda liked the whole back and forth collabo thing we had going on, so even though he’s not around, I’m still gonna write this week’s Bachcap in that format – and I’m just gonna make up what I think the penguin would say. Sound good, Roy?

NOTZWR: I love hockey! Fargle bargle! 

TVMWW:  Great. So it’s 6am here in Philly and I have no idea why I agreed to do this. I don’t even like this show!* (*not true) I think I’m still fired up from last night – and the fact that Sean gave a pity rose to that crazy lady. He’s such a sucker! I mean, yeah, he’s a nice guy, and he’s got a bod like a total jackhammer, and I’d still love to take a nap on his smooth, soft chest, and his smile is like an angel’s, and he played D-1 football so that’s pretty impressive, and he seems to have overall decent hygiene, but c’mon dude! Be a man! That lady is playin’ you! I’ve lost all faith in Sean, all faith in this show, and all faith in the Kansas State football recruiting process. Plus, we have no coffee in my house. I hate this world.

NOTZWR:  zOMG, you have GOT to taste the orange juice in this state. SO ORANGE AND SO TASTY. Reminds me of the Orange Juliuses that me and Cranekicker used to get at the Deptford mall. Hey, did you happen to catch a Flyers score? I missed the game the other day because we had to go swimming with dolphins. One of them was named Darryl! He was wearing a shirt!


TVMWW:  The Flyers are not doing well. Some people up here are pretty upset about it, but not my wife, she seems to be doing just fine, especially after ABC showed Sean walking around in his little black underwears (thighs like what what what). My wife rewinded that scene on our DVR and rewatched it four straight times – once while lying on the floor so she could “inspect it from another angle.” That’s okay though, because I plan to dedicate at least the next 12 paragraphs to Selma and her ENORMOUS bong-bongs. HOLY MOLEYS. I really enjoyed all the grunting and heavy breathing she did while climbing that rock. I like that lady. She’s so dumb and so boring.

NOTZWR:  There’s currently a Cuban woman cleaning my hotel room and I’ve never seen anything like her. It’s not even that she’s that beautiful or innocent, it’s the fact that she’s so good at cleaning. I think I might just stay in this room all day and take a nap while the NAG takes the WAH to the pool. I’m so sleepy after swimming with all those dolphies! The sun really wears you out!

TVMWW:  Even though I love Selma, it is absolutely ridiculous that she won’t dip her tongue into Sean’s mouth on national TV. That being said, I think it’d be super hot if the two of them just Eskimo kissed for hours – jamming their noses into each other’s, smushing them together, struggling for position, bending cartilage –  she seriously has the biggest breasts I’ve ever seen. I would pay top dollar to watch her go swimming with dolphins / eat a dolphin.

NOTZWR:  I saw so many teenagers making out hardcore at Epcot Center yesterday. It was amazing. 

Taryn, with an A?

TVMWW:  Teryn (that’s her name, right? Teryn? Is that a name?) is more unstable than any teenager. After her breakdown, she told Sean that she’s “very sensitive and emotional” which is basically the worst thing you could ever say to a dude who you were trying to have sex with. I mean, that’s like saying, “Hey, I have the two worst qualities any person could ever have,” or “Hey, I like the Counting Crows,” or “Hey, I enjoy reading TVMWW.” She has a big butt though so that’s nice for her.  

NOTZWR: (sleeping)

TVMWW: Watching that one-armed girl try to roller skate was so sad and so painful. It was like watching a blogger try to write jokes at 6am. I think a garbage truck just hit my car.  Who wakes up this early?

NOTZWR: How can anybody sleep with all these beautiful birds singing? And man, I gotta close these shades. The sun is BEAMING into my hotel room. You would think that palm trees would provide you with some good ole fashioned shade, but no, not when they’re blowing in a quiet, gentle, perfect sea breeze. I think I might put on one of these soft terrycloth robes and take a walk down to the pool to see how many butts I can find. Yesterday I found eleven.   

TVMWW:  Neil Lane probably has the tannest butt.

NOTZWR:  Speaking of tan butts, who got sent home, Evster?

TVMWW: Great question Not Zoo With Roys and in no way did that seem like a forced segue to wrap this post up! It was the black lady. Not the black lady who asked Sean if he wanted to taste some chocolate, the black lady with the gigantic mouth who has no idea how to date people. I mean, really, how hard is it to stay alive on this show??? Just grab a dude’s junk, look him dead in the eye and tell him that you “can make the wolves howl.” Doesn’t even make sense, but it doesn’t matter. Dudes are suckers. And wolves are awesome.  

NOTZWR: Wolves are awesome! And so are you, TVMWW! Thanks for writing this and taking over my bolg while I ride jet skis and eat lobster and watch SportsCenter over and over and over again each morning. Folks, be sure to check out the Evster’s bolg, it’s the best bolg ever. Even better than this bolg. 


  1. the girl with one arm...her non-fully formed arm reminds me of those crunchy breadsticks you used to get on your table at a fancy italian restaurant

  2. By the by, I meant Tierra, not Taryn. Or Teryn. Tierra. The crazy lady. She's honestly so crazy.


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