Wednesday, February 27, 2013

St. Lannan Has a Blessing For You

ZWR superfan Ben--whose previous work you can find here (CSI: St. Louis, circa 2011)--emails the following:
I saw the cover photo on the Phillies official site this morning and I knew I had a new one for you: St. John Lannan. Enjoy.
That's good Lannan Latining right there

I did enjoy it, Ben. Because it's topical, humorous and because John Lannan loves to hit people. And those are my main three criteria for judging most situations.

Ben was even so kind as to include a blank one if you want to make your own, just click to big it:

The High Numbers: Getting to Know the Unsung Heroes of Spring Training []

My weekly column is up. GO READ IT, HERE. AND HERE. OR HERE

Flank Steak is gonna love this one




Tuesday, February 26, 2013

BACHCAP: Fantasy Suites!!!

Yes, Evan and I did choose to use the Fantasy Suite. Below are the fruits of our labor. Wait what. 

Did He Boink?

ZWR: Sean’s strictly anti-boinking.

TVMWW: I know he probably didn't boink, because he’s a born-again non-boinker and in his pitch to get the girls to the fantasy suite he made it clear that he was not intending to boink them, but I kinda feel like he might’ve boinked! Not the first girl, or the second, but by the time he got to the third girl (Cath-cath) and hadn’t boinked any of them, I sorta feel like the boink part of his brain took over and he blatantly boinked!

ZWR: Your theory would hold more water if they went on the dates in a different order. Say Ash - Cath - Linds. This way he gets the crazy out of the way first, builds up some good vibes with a cutie pie, and then BOINKS IT OUT with a young hottie who’s feeling the moment. Having stalker AshLee in the middle messed with his brain too much. And let’s be honest, the women don’t hoot every time Sean’s on the television because of his brain.  

"ZWR's right I'm a total hunk." "LOLZ" 

Monday, February 25, 2013

A Michael Martinez Injury Update From Academy Award-Winning Director Ang Lee


So Roy Halladay Pitched Yesterday (2.24.13 v the Tigers)

Yesterday’s game wasn’t televised, so I was incredibly thankful that allowed me to use the company jet (callsign:
FLANKSTEAK ONE) to shoot on down to Clearwater after finishing my Saturday evening Wegman’s run. Here are my notes, key take-aways, observations, and recollections from Harry Leroy Halladay III’s first outing of what I promise will be a fun 2013.

  • Ben Gibbard was on hand to sing the national anthem. Overwhelmed by the moment when introduced by the public address announcer, he sprinted- six string flung over right shoulder- out to the bullpen. Once arrived, Gibbard sang a heartfelt rendition of I’ll Follow You Into the Dark to Halladay. Roy didn’t notice him. / Yong Kim

RECAP: Roy Halladay Wins Daytona 500

It was a big Sunday for our hero.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Todd Zolecki is a Butt Phillies beat writer Todd Zolecki, as we all know, is a world-class welch; he's owed me a funnel cake for three years now. Turns out our boy is also an amateur comedian. Here, check it out:

Real funny, dork. Go screw.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

ZWR In the Wild

Hey kids. Real life Phillies baseball games start today, and that's as good a time as any to post a brand spanking new ZWR in the Wild!

Dorothy and her friends at a Roy start last season:


Liza looking good in a Clearwooder 13 at today's opener against the Astros:

That's right

Okay technically Susi isn't wearing a ZWR shirt here but she put a red hat on an artsy penguin and that will get itself posted to the bolg every time yo:


Jenni sent in this one and it's perfect because it combines ZWR and #daydrinking and I mean really what's better than that?:

Boozeface is about to get cuttered

Shameless Reminder
These and other face-breaking, fashion forward options are available to you and yours at the official ZWR T-Shirt Shop. Buy fourteen and send in pictures and your smiling mug can be seen just like that donkey at the Bloody Mary bar right here on the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with Phillies ace, 2013 Cy Young Award Winner, 2013 World Series MVP, future 300 game winner, and 2023 first ballot Hall of Famer Roy Halladay.

Friday, February 22, 2013


Original photo above copyright Philadelphia Phillies via their Facebook page

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Andrew Bynum's New Hairdo

Dude, did you see Andrew Bynum's, ummmm, interesting press conference yesterday?

That thing was surreal. First, there was whatever message he was trying to communicate. He hopes to work out in a week or two and play before the season's over. Vague much, AB? I don't know, this all seems kind of fishy. Is he going to sit the whole year and then showcase himself only once totally healthy, just to earn a max contract offer at the season's expense? I'm no hoops guru, but that's what it feels like.

And then there's his hair. I almost get the impression from what he says, paired with how he looks, that he's messing with us. Yanking our chains. Needling. Intentionally screwing with us. Again, not saying I'm right, but sure seems that way.

Here, see for yourself:



The Phillies As Your Favorite Disney Songs []

My new post is up over at Please, be my guest and click here to read the whole thing, or click on Kyle Kendrick's feathered mane below.


It features this picture, too:

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


No need for introductions you know what you're in for dorkface let's do this thing. 

Person We Met During the Episode Who Needs Their Own Reality Show STAT

ZWR: There weren’t any breakout stars last night, that’s for sure. If forced to pick, though, I’m gonna pitch a show where AshLee’s dad goes on a date with Catherine’s mom.

TVMWW:  Gotta be the Cathdashian sisters, who have pretty much everything it takes to make a successful reality show: nice teeth, clean hair, and a history of mental illness in their family. The sisters could be filmed going back to the Philippines to trace their roots, meeting a variety of their mentally unstable relatives while washing their hair in various streams along the way -- all while their aging grandmother wheeled them around in a rickshaw. Is that racist? I think that might be racist. I bet their hair smells like sweet Asian sunsets.

If Some Hunky Bach Came To Visit Me in Philly, I'd Take Him To ...

ZWR: John’s Roast Pork no questions asked large pork with sharp provolone and a carton of iced tea.

Best ever, even after yuppies found out about it

Taking Photos of Roy Halladay is Dangerous

Poor girl never stood a chance...

Note: The guy who took this picture of the girl's face melting off also died.

Monday, February 18, 2013

A Word From Woodrow Wilson [DISCOUNTS!]

Thanks, Woody!

It's President's Day: the most boring of all half-butted quasi-consumer holidays. And you know what that means--time to buy things you don't really need (but really want) just because they're at a considerable discount!

You're in luck, because ZWR shirts are 15% off (on purchases of $21.99+) with the code "HLH15" at checkout.

Hurry though, because the deal ends tomorrow, February 19.

To make this easier for all of us, here are some popular ones to choose from:

  2013 "Hi" Shamrock edition - it's back!

why not grab a visual pun on a t-shirt in his honor?

Lies - This is the most under-rated shirt in the whole catalog.
Why not buy one for yourself and one for your friend, the barista?

And even if you don't like steeply discounted and highly fashionable t-shirts, but still feel personally vested in the (very, very modest) financial success of your favorite bolger, you can always click this link and buy something you were probably going to buy anyway on Amazon. I get a small percentage of whatever you buy and it doesn't cost you anything extra. It's a wonderful world.2

Happy President's Day, everyone, this has been fun. Thanks for reading, and clicking these links and stuff. I really, truly appreciate the support (while I wait for my Lamgorghini to arrive).

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Holy Butt! Ben Revere Loves Me!

Hey donkey. Remember my Harlem Shake video to end all dumb meme videos? Of course you do-- promptly upon its completion your face broke off, and you shoddily taped it back on just so you'd have one for the weekend. Yeah well you know who else liked it?


Check it:

BONUS: He also loves the animated MS Paint animation I made of him meeting Cliff Lee!!! Are you kidding me?!

This absolutely made my day best ever yes plz. Thanks to John Gonzalez of CSN Philly for showing these to Ben on Saturday morning, and Jenny for tweeting them to him today. Oh and to Ben Revere for having impeccable taste; he's instantly my second favorite Phillies. 

Friday, February 15, 2013

Странные "Метеор" Взрывается из Русское небо, лица разбиты

О осадками

Странный объект прожилками на сверхзвуковой скорости над Уралом России в пятницу, положив начало взрывы и рассеянного мусора, который ранены около 500 человек и испуганно множество других.

Русская Академия наук говорится в заявлении, что было оригинально описывается как "Метеор" по Челябинской области вошел в атмосферу Земли на скорости не менее 33 000 миль / ч и разбилась о 18-32 км над землей.

Возвращения в атмосферу вызвали взрывы, которые сломали стекла на большой площади.МЧС утверждает, что более 500 человек обратились за лечением после взрывов, и что 34 из них были госпитализированы с разбитыми лицами.

"Был массовый паника. Люди понятия не имел, что происходит. Каждый шел вокруг дома людей, чтобы проверить, если они были в порядке," сказал Сергей Hametov, житель Челябинска, около 930 км к востоку от Москвы, самый большой город в пострадавшем регионе.

Отчеты из западных Флорида, Соединенные Штаты не означает, что так называемый "метеорит" не было на самом деле кусок мусора из космоса, а лишь остатки предрассветной тренировка Роя Halladay, которая теперь включает в себя вздымалась гирю бросков на большие расстояния. Государственные должностные лица отношений с профессиональной командой Halladay в Филлис города Филадельфии показали, что туз игрока просчитался его освобождение точки и случайно бросил в 40 килограмм гирю на орбиту, заставляя его покинуть стратосферу, частично орбиты Земли и повторно ввести более сельской России.Филлис принесли извинения за доставленные неудобства и множество сломанных лица.

Checking in with Leonard Weaver


Thursday, February 14, 2013


Anddddd now this meme is officially dead. CAUSE I JUST KILLED IT, SON

Happy Valentine's Day from ZWR

whoa, easy there

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

13 Things to Watch For at Phillies' Spring Training

Hi everyone! If you  missed the big announcement yesterday, I'm going to be doing some writing for And lucky for you and your adorable face, my first piece--13 Things To Watch For At Phillies Spring Training-- is now live.

It's one of those lists things that everyone on the internet loves. In order to work you donkeys into this thing nice and smoothly, here's #6!
6. Kyle Kendrick’s Beard Progression and/or Seeming Ability to Pitch
Over the second half of last season, Kyle Kendrick had a 2.87 ERA and a WHIP of 1.060. He also cut his walks total by about a third. This is great fun, you see, because many of us are conditioned to HATE KYLE KENDRICK’S BIG DUMB FACE. I’m guilty of that, totally admit it. Where I am now is where I’d like to think I have always been: I want him to do well because he’s a Phillies and when he succeeds we succeed. Where I also am: I love it when message board and Twitter dorks are infuriated by any semblance of accomplishment on his part (myself included).
 Read the rest here


Roy Halladay's Press Conference Broke Monitors, Melted Microphones, and Tore Shirts Open

Copyright 2013 Miles Kennedy and The Phillies

Earlier today Roy Halladay had an incredibly enlightening press conference, in which he--of note--elaborated on his 2012 injury struggles and spoke of adjustments he’s made to his notorious training regimen. My colleague in professional mainstream journalism in a top US media market David Murphy has a good recap here.

Beyond that, though, I’d like to highlight three things from Roy’s session:
  1. Dude popped a whole in his shirt sleeve when he bent his arm.
  2. "This is the best place I've ever played."
    (Philadelphia rules you all can go eat a butt)
  3. "I'm playing to win a World Series. That's why I'm playing baseball. For no other reason. Period." 
    (zOMG yes please!)
How can you not be pumped up? You can't... umm ... not be. Pumped up, that is. Whatever, just go with it. Also, here's Roy Halladay's press conference as it appeared on this bolg about Roy Halladay because I mean why not?

Dude this rules thank you so much CSN Philly for the feed.


Click here if you don't see anything below

Thanks to the kind and generous folks at CSN Philly

That's A Clown Post, Bro [Photoshop]

Congrats to Bryce Harper, who-- after beating out more than 3,000 pooches from around the globe-- was crowned dog of the season by the Westminster dog people! Make no bones about it, this was a ruff choice for the judges.

Splendid. Simply magnificent. What form. What beauty. What grace:

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Zoo With Roy joining forces with

No really, like for real! You can go read about it here.


David Murphy Makes a Classic Mistake

David Murphy wrote what appears, on the surface, to be an seemingly legitimate piece this morning concerning the general phenomenon of athletes and the expectations they set. You can make the connection-- the ego involved in achieving rank is precisely that which clouds judgments on the path to battle, etc.

Where it fails, however, is with the introduction of Roy Halladay to the discussion.

Photo: Yong Kim,; Your Face: Broken

BACHCAP: Feb 12th, Yo

It's your lucky day, donkey, because Evan of TV My Wife Watches and ZWR are back again with more BACHCAP ™ ® ©

Mome We Feel Like Starting With
ZWR: Hey Evan you big jerkface where the butt is my Lionel Simmons jersey? I mean, if you’re going to promise something then you need to deliver. Also, did you know he came to the Shot Tower Rec Center to teach our hoops league how to play once and we were all “L-TRAIN!” but since we were like 10 years old and all stunk at basketball it was kind of a moot point? Then he signed my best friend’s shoe... that was kind of cool.

TVMWW: Three things. 1) My brother’s name is Lionel. 2) Simmah down! Those jerseys take time! 3) There’s no way I’m only talking about three things here. 4) I think Sean looks a little like Chris Simms. 5) AshLee might be secretly crazier than Tierra. 6) I really enjoyed all the hot barefoot action this week. 7) I may or may not have a foot fetish.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Ben Revere Meets Cliff Lee [A ZWR Animated Joint]

 photo RevereMeetsCLIFF.gif


DO YOU SEE THAT, THE NATIONAL LEAGUE?! Look at the determination on that man's face. He is going to break yours right off your big dumb heads. All of you. Go ahead, click the photo below for full 34 terapixel resolution... if you dare.

Mile number 75 ... for the day.

EDITOR'S NOTE: R.I.P. Miles Kennedy

Spring Training 2013- Michael Martinez Injury Update (#ZWRClearwater)

Still dead.

Friday, February 8, 2013

ZooWithRoy's 2013 Valentine's Day Gift Giving Guide

I'm not going to lie, your beloved penguin became a bit nervous when a co-worker reminded him that Valentine's Day is coming up next week. Then I mulled that over for a bit: I'm married, with a donkey kid and another on the way (not to mention being a world famous bolgger and designer of fashion-forward apparel) ... the Nag's pot committed to me at this point, totally stuck. Yet even I'm still frightened by the prospect of having to buy a gift (Pro tip on cards: go to that stupid Papyrus place in the mall and just buy like 5 and you're set with "nice" cards for half a decade).

So yes, I know, you're nervous too. I mean, look at you dorks:



Brewer to the stars and world's luckiest human

Rich and famous professional dork
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