Hey there kids. Evan and I are back with absolute gibberish about this debacle of a show again ... and it's so, so glorious. kthnxbai
Most Likely to Date Joe Flacco
TVMWW: Flacco’s from New Jersey, so he needs a woman he can connect with -- someone who has poor hygiene, reads at a 3rd grade level, and has no idea how to make a left hand turn from the left hand lane -- so I’m going with Daniella, because she seems like a meth addict. I could see her connecting with the entire Flacco family. I also think she may have a C-section scar (or two). Can women have multiple C-sers? I think she might have a couple C-sers.
ZWR: I’m taking a different approach here. Flacco just won the Super Bowl. Check that, Joe Flacco just owned the playoffs and killed it in the Super Bowl. He’s on top of the world, and because of that I’m going with Catherine. She’s my one seed at the moment (so sweet, so cute!), and as such Flacco’s boo (you know, in our imaginary bolg world). Plus, she's from Seattle so there's no AFC team affiliation conflict to worry about.
TVMWW: This might be racist, but I’m going with Selma because she’s from Iraq. I feel like those people spend a lot of time in the desert, so they probably sweat a lot. Although maybe when your people have spent thousands of years in the sun, your body learns to adjust? I dunno, I’m Jewish, and my desert ancestry sure hasn’t helped me. I’ve tried pretty much every medicinal deodorant on the market and nothing works. Either way, Selma’s got huge boobs, and huge boobs get sticky. And that’s not a bad thing -- that’s definitely not a bad thing! -- I love a nice, glistening, sweaty boob. But I also love a completely dry boob. I like both boobs. Both are good boobs.
ZWR: Wait what you’re insane.
Winner of Ep
TVMWW: I mean, the sheer fact that Daniella got a speaking part this week was a big win for her. Is her name even Daniella? Or is it Danielle? Either way, I’m proud of her.
ZWR: Dude she’s crazy. Like, everyone knows Tierra is drama-crazy, but Daniella is just straight up broken brain nutso unstable crazy. I think at one point she referred to Sean as her boyfriend and I was like “whoa she might murder a frog on the air.”
Anyway, the winner of this ep is the producer who pitched “let’s have them milk goats and drink the milk and OMG zoom in when the milk is dribbling down their chins!”
Loser of Ep
TVMWW: Jackie’s horse. That horse was so slow!
ZWR: Sean. He stunk. Awful group date management on Monday night.
Baller of Ep
TVMWW: The Goats. Obvs!
Lady who I'd Most Like to Bring to a Passover Seder
TVMWW: Any Jew will tell ya that you can’t bring a girl with really big breasts, ‘cause then your family will spend the entire night comparing your date to your dead Aunt Rose and her world famous baboon boobs -- so eliminate Selma and Tierra. You also can’t have your girl being too touchy-feely, so forget about Catherine, Lindsay or any other girl who wrapped her legs around Sean’s waist a la Ricky the Dragon Steamboat. You need to bring a girl who’s an adventurous eater, so Desiree and her goat milk guzzling skills seems like a good optsh. Jackie might get down on some gefilte fish too, as evidenced by the fact that she was the first ever Bach contestant to actually eat during her 2-on-1 date. But Des is hotter, and hotter chicks always win out when you’re choosing who to hang out with, so Des it is.
ZWR: I’m not Jewish, but television, movies, and Philip Roth books have taught me that Jewish people say crazy things that embarrass their more polite family members so I’m totally having you bring Sarah so that I can die of laughter when your Uncle Morty starts asking about her stump.
TVMWW: My father’s name is Morty. I’m not kidding.
The Shawn Bradley Memorial “Dude What the Freak Are You Doing, Sean?” Moment of the Week
TVMWW: Sending Selma home. Even if you didn’t like her -- and I get it, dude, I get it, she wouldn’t jump in the lake, and she’s not adventurous enough, and you prefer women with bone dry breasts, I get it -- AT LEAST keep her around for the island hopping portion of the show. IT’S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.
By the by, I’m changing my “Loser of Ep” answer from that horse (I mean, c’mon, that was a nice horse) to all of America, because we won’t be able to see Selma bouncing around the Caribbean (literally). That guy is an idiot.
Honorable mention “Loser of Ep” goes to the producer who allowed Sarah to wipe her tears WITH A COCKTAIL NAPKIN as opposed to getting her a tissue. COME ONNNNNNN.
DO YOUR JOB.
DOOOO YERRRR JOBBBBBBB.
DOOOOOOOOOO YERRRRRRRRRRRR I have no idea where I’m goin’ with this.
ZWR: I’m going with giving Daniella the rose on the first night of the DRAMATIC TWO NIGHT EVENT! I mean, he gave it to her because she had a spazz attack. When in history has a guy ever caved and given in to a woman against his better judgement and knowing it was only delaying the inevitable because she cried? Oh wait nevermind.
The Nag got super ticked at Sean for ditching Selma right after she shamed her family by kissing him on TV. She even yelled at the television and protested “that’s just wrong!” For context, she hoots like a member of Arsenio Hall’s audience every time the donkey comes on screen, so you know that was a mistake.
Chick who Probably LOVES Crate & Barrel
TVMWW: There are no crazier women on this planet than those who display little baskets of wicker balls on their coffee tables. So you need a nut job here. Lindsay is a substitute teacher, and seeing as no normal person would ever do that for a living, she’s my choice.
ZWR: AshLee F is a “personal organizer” and 32 so it’s definitely her. Lindsay is all Ikea, all the time, Bro.
The OMG Tierra Really Did That On National Television, Didn’t She? Award
TVMWW: Bringing her own oxygen tank. Incredible. I’m convinced that those paramedics didn’t give her that tank, she brought it to Canada herself. I mean, those paramedics didn’t even have blankets! They just threw some Saran Wrap around her. For the record, I find Saran Wrap to be absolutely impossible to manage.
ZWR: Don’t get me started on Saran Wrap. I just use foil or put everything in giant freezer bags. Half an apple? Giant freezer bag. Babybel cheese the Wah only took one bite from? Giant freezer bag. Slice of pizza? Three square feet of foil. Don’t you tell me how to spend my money.
|omg cheese peeps!|
Ahhhh, Yes, Now I Remember Why I Watch This Show
TVMWW: In one episode, we heard a woman tell a story about a tree FALLING ON A PERSON AND KILLING HER, another lady admit to growing up in a tent, we saw people eat dinner in an ice cave, and heard another person say, out loud, on national television, to millions of people, that she “loves love.”
ZWR: The teepee quote from Des. A million times over.
Most Likely to Falsely Befriend Your Mom Just So You Can't Break Up with Her
TVMWW: Hmmmm, my mom would probably connect with AshLee, because she’s an orphan and my mom would enjoy giving her some much needed some motherly companionship. Then again, there’s no way my mother would have the patience to deal with a person who had a capital letter in the middle of her name, so scratch that. Also, I’m not quite sure if I understand this category. For the record, my mother’s name is Ruth which might even be more Jewish than Morty.
ZWR: Another lay-up: Tierra. She can’t stand your mom, and the way she’s always judging her, and she has the biggest heart and only wants to love people but your mom just won’t squash the drama AND IF SHE HAS TO SHE’LL PUNCH THE BEYOTCH!
Most Likely to Post Pics of her Feet on Instagram
TVMWW: I mean, it’s gotta be One-arm, right? She’s probably so proud of the fact that she has two feet that she’s always snapping pics of her tootsies sitting poolside. Then again, Tierra’s a certified whack-job so she could fit this profile as well. I bet she has a toe ring. Or a little salamander tattoo on her foot. So many red flags.
ZWR: I’m thinking Lindsay. She’s young and vapid and I can see her (a) being most on-board with having a nail polish-heavy Instagram and (b) being genuinely surprised to see her feet.
Guess of What's Next to Come
TVMWW: They go to some Caribbean island, a horse tramples Tierra’s face, Tierra gets a new face, the girls get jealous that she got a new face, I obliterate Cranekicker’s record for most tweets in an hour, my wife throws my phone out the window, the dog that lives next door to us eats my phone, I use my wife’s phone to call my phone forcing the dog to barf up my phone, I get my phone back, I try to tweet the story of a dog barfing up my phone in under 140 characters, no one retweets me, I end my life, ZWR goes back to posting Esotericky Bottalico instead of this garbage and the world rejoices.
ZWR: Tierra stabs someone with a conch shell, Lindsay mispronounces the name of every island they go to, Lesley looks TOTES RIDIC in her bikini and I get in trouble for fawning over her, Kacie B sneaks into a resort and security has her arrested and while they’re carrying her away she screams “WHEN DID I BECOME PATHETIC?! I WAS THE BELLE OF THIS BALL!!!”