Tuesday, February 26, 2013

BACHCAP: Fantasy Suites!!!

Yes, Evan and I did choose to use the Fantasy Suite. Below are the fruits of our labor. Wait what. 

Did He Boink?

ZWR: Sean’s strictly anti-boinking.

TVMWW: I know he probably didn't boink, because he’s a born-again non-boinker and in his pitch to get the girls to the fantasy suite he made it clear that he was not intending to boink them, but I kinda feel like he might’ve boinked! Not the first girl, or the second, but by the time he got to the third girl (Cath-cath) and hadn’t boinked any of them, I sorta feel like the boink part of his brain took over and he blatantly boinked!

ZWR: Your theory would hold more water if they went on the dates in a different order. Say Ash - Cath - Linds. This way he gets the crazy out of the way first, builds up some good vibes with a cutie pie, and then BOINKS IT OUT with a young hottie who’s feeling the moment. Having stalker AshLee in the middle messed with his brain too much. And let’s be honest, the women don’t hoot every time Sean’s on the television because of his brain.  

"ZWR's right I'm a total hunk." "LOLZ" 

Type Exactly What Ashlee Said Her First 30 Seconds On Screen

ZWR: "I’m so happy to be here with Sean, because I love him so much and he is my heart’s life-long love and because I love him so much it allows me to be so in love with him and love what he means to me my soul is so happy to have found its match in the form of love eternal and forever that’s this man I love him and our love will triumph over everything because it’s a love that’s true and he will be my husband because our love is right and my journey with him is one of love and we will spend eternity entwined as soulmates this man has redeemed my life with his love. #ZOINKS"

TVMWW: "Hi, I was abandoned as a child, but I’ve never dealt with this issue in my adult life so this whole dating a guy on national television is probably going to end really well." 

Best Use of Wildlife

ZWR: Holy crap there are tiny little monkeys on the beach! They are eating grapes! They run up to you and take a grape with their little monkey hands and then run back a few feet and eat it! On the beach! Monkeys!!! Did I mention that these were BEACH MONKEYS?!?!?!! Can we all please go to Thailand right now? (HONORARY MENTION: Neon green baby chicks. Though actually that’s probably really wrong but dude they were adorablest.)

TVMWW: I mean, I don’t really have any other choices, do I? It’s either the monkeys or the chickies. I guess they showed a lizard for a sec and he was pretty cool and there were some nice-looking fish and maybe a bird or two, so I’m gonna go with Chris Harrison’s chest hair.

ZWR: Wrong the answer is BEACH MONKEYS just like the answer at the Oscars was BOAT TIGER.

In this version, BOAT TIGER ate Michael Martinez's arm. Click for HUGENESS!

Moment That Really Could’ve Been Improved if There Was a Lady with One Arm

ZWR: Probably when AshLee got sent home because a 5-armed group high five would have ruled.

TVMWW: When Sean and Lindsay entered the fantasy suite there was a little tray of crudité sitting on their bed and I would’ve loved to have seen the one-armed girl use her one (and only) arm to eat carrot sticks.

Winner of Ep

ZWR: That one monkey who ganked a whole bunch of grapes he was awesome I named him Clyde. In addition to Clyde, Lindsay was pretty awesome tonight. She was in control, and her random “$#^%#” at the start of the rose ceremony made me LOL.

TVMWW: Sean and AshLee’s hot bods. How the freak do people get bods like that? I mean, I know how they get bods like that: they work out, they take vitamins, they eat bone dry carrot sticks, but mama-mia I can’t believe this guy is anti-boinking.

Loser of Ep

TVMWW: I have two losers this week.

1. Sean (obvs) for not boinking, because even though I said earlier that he might’ve boinked, I don’t think he actually boinked. He didn’t even pull Catherine’s hair or grab her butt when he was giving her the ole lizard tongue!

Ohey there girl I'ma eat your face off 

2. ABC’s underwater camera guy. So far this season while Sean and the girls have traveled to Montana and Banff and Portland and Missouri, he’s just been at home, sitting on his couch, waiting for the call to send him to some tropical destination, and now boom! we’re in Thailand! We've got chicks in bikinis! THIS IS HIS SUPER BOWL! and what does he give us? One lousy shot of Sean and Catherine snorkeling. I mean, C’MONNNNN, I wanna see some feet fluttering underwater and some legs entwined and a guy who REFUSES TO BOINK press his boinker up against a woman’s CENSORED BY ZOO WITH ROY and underwater camera guy did not deliver. SAD.

ZWR: Frankly, I cannot compete with that. Good job, Evster.

Baller of Ep

ZWR: The Fleissmeister!

Credit: My phone/my television

TVMWW: I almost gave my Loser of the Ep to ABC for putting those little tweets on the screen. THEY WERE SO DISTRACTING. It was like ESPN’s Bottom Line (WHICH HAS RUINED SPORTSCENTER BY THE WAY, RUINED!) and I couldn’t keep myself from reading every one.

Anywayzzzzz, my Baller of the Ep goes to the synchronized diving team of Sean and Cath-cath who executed an elegant double back flip off the back of a boat and didn’t crack their heads open on the stern (BOATING TERM). 

ZWR: Dude seriously Catherine is the best I called it

Best Line by My Wife

ZWR: When AshLee was yapping away the Nag yelled, “Dude why do you have to be so weird? Punky Brewster got abandoned when she was a kid and she turned out cool!”

TVMWW: Did Punky Brewster turn out cool? I thought she got a breast reduction -- which is pretty much the definition of NOT cool. My wife got frustrated when Sean was lizard kissing Catherine and said “Ughhhh, why doesn’t he grab her ass and pull her hair???” and I love my wife very much.

ZWR: Not real life Punky Brewster- the character. Like if I said Arnold Drummond, not Gary Coleman. I bet Arnold Drummond turned out just fine and took over Mr. Drummond’s company when the old man retired and worked deals with the Gooch’s waste disposal service and even hooked Dudley up with an accounting gig once he finished Hofstra. 

TVMWW: Ummmm as a certified TELEVISION EXPERT, I’m pretty sure that Arnold JACKSON never took Mr. Drummond’s name … I mean, yeah, very nice of Mr. D to put him and his brother up in that NYC penthouse and hire a white woman to take care of them (who he was TOTALLY boinking by the by, RIP Mrs. Garrett, even though she’s not actually dead) but I don’t remember Arnold or Willis ever legally changing their names. 

ZWR: Anyway, back to Sean’s kissing. The Nag pointed out that none of the girls ever actually say that he’s a good kisser. She thinks his tongue-first approach is a loser, but he’s so hot they don’t even care that instead of a tender smooch they get treated like a pudding pop. 

TVMWW: As a guy who has made out with literally THOUSANDS of women (read: pillows), I totally agree with your wife (and am flabbergasted that she allows you to call her “The Nag” on the Internet).

Why Do People in this Day and Age Continue to Ignore Wearing Sunscreen?

ZWR: Right? I mean, they make sunscreen that sprays on and doesn't even burn your eyes and it comes in two-packs and people still don’t use it. Seriously, you can eliminate the risk for hours of agony by doing something that takes 35 seconds and is easy enough for a three year old to do but you don’t because you’re too busy checking your Facebook for the 19th time since you got to the beach GO SCREW I hope you look like a tomato tonight. 

(Editor's note: Also helpful in avoiding sunburn- wearing a shirt. Check out these fashionable offerings available in the Official ZWR T-Shirt Shop!)

TVMWW: I went to the beach last summer WITHOUT my wife and had to ask someone else to rub sunscreen all over my pasty, moley, sprouts-of-hair-filled back. My two options were my friends Larbage and his wife Chicken. Now Larbs has been my buddy since kindergarten, and if push came to shove he would’ve totally done it, but Chicken is a woman and was preggers at the time, so I figured she was the better option because it wasn’t like I was gonna try and boink her afterwards so I asked her to do it. Long story short, she basically closed her eyes and held her breath and rubbed lotion on me like a mad woman. It was embarrassing, it was awkward, it was sort of erotic to get rubbed down by a pregnant woman, but YOU KNOW WHAT??? I DON’T HAVE SKIN CANCER. AT LEAST NOT YET! I KNOW I’LL GET IT EVENTUALLY, BUT NOT YET! AND I HAVE A LITTLE THING CALLED “SPF” AND CHICKEN’S SOFT, WONDERFUL, PREGNANT HANDS TO THANK FOR IT.

The Shawn Bradley Memorial “OMG What Are You Doing, Sean?” Award

TVMWW: His little heart-to-heart with AshLee after he DESTROYED HER EVERYTHING was so lame. Dude, just give it to her straight, “You’re annoying, you have major red flags, and even though your boobies are UNSTOPPABLE they’re still fake and I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life suckin’ on some fake boobies, and yes I know that Zoo With Roy will probably edit that out, but you understand, laters.”

Very funny Evan. Also, I am going to murder you. 

ZWR: You don’t know how much I had to edit that paragraph. I sure hope Evan posts it in its entirety on his hilarious, entertaining, and for some unknown reason not yet tied to a legit URL site yet!

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