Tuesday, February 12, 2013

BACHCAP: Feb 12th, Yo

It's your lucky day, donkey, because Evan of TV My Wife Watches and ZWR are back again with more BACHCAP ™ ® ©

Mome We Feel Like Starting With
ZWR: Hey Evan you big jerkface where the butt is my Lionel Simmons jersey? I mean, if you’re going to promise something then you need to deliver. Also, did you know he came to the Shot Tower Rec Center to teach our hoops league how to play once and we were all “L-TRAIN!” but since we were like 10 years old and all stunk at basketball it was kind of a moot point? Then he signed my best friend’s shoe... that was kind of cool.

TVMWW: Three things. 1) My brother’s name is Lionel. 2) Simmah down! Those jerseys take time! 3) There’s no way I’m only talking about three things here. 4) I think Sean looks a little like Chris Simms. 5) AshLee might be secretly crazier than Tierra. 6) I really enjoyed all the hot barefoot action this week. 7) I may or may not have a foot fetish.

Most Genuine Mome
ZWR: I’m such a dork, but it was super sweet when Catherine was being all vulnerable on the beach and then diffused the moment by pointing out the dolphins that were swimming by (BTW right after being all sappy I started cracking up on my couch like an idiot imagining Chris Chambers in full uniform launching himself out of the water).

TVMWW: I ALSO THOUGHT CATH-CATH HAD THE MOST GENUINE MOME, but I preferred the one at the end when she admitted that her connection with Sean was not as strong as Lesley’s. THAT WAS GENUINE. (Also genuine: My foot fetish. DON’T JUDGE ME. I HAVE A SPARKLE.)

ZWR: Wait what.

Mome Where My Wife Yelled at the TV
ZWR: “I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROWS!!!” (Tierra) is tied with “zOMG she’s gonna tell him she had a schma-schmortion” (old orphan lady).

TVMWW: When Tierra told Sean, “I’m sensitive,” my wife freaked out and screamed, “RED FLAG!” which is fascinating because last week after my wife took one of those Myers Briggs Type Indicator tests, she sent me an email along with her results that basically said, “I’m sensitive!”

By the by, Tierra’s “I can’t control my eyebrows / my parents told me I have a sparkle / no one can take away my sparkle” explosion was one of the all-time best on this show. I CANNOT BELIEVE that we’re not gonna be able to meet her family.

Nope. Not at all crazy.

Mome That Coulda Been Enhanced by Having a One-armed Lady Around
ZWR: When Lionel Simmons taught us the cross-over dribble.

TVMWW: Makeout by the ocean. Lots of awkward groping potential there.

Winner of Ep
ZWR: Crazy Lindsay. You remember Charlize Theron in Arrested Development, right? I think Sean’s sort of fascinated with her in a dynamic similar to that of Michael Bluth and Rita.

TVMWW: I’m going with the avocado farmers of St. Croix. After that ep, there’s no way their nation’s exporting business does not increase by like a million percent. Them jawns was HUGE. Also, what the freak is up with none of these girls having big breasts? BORRRRRIIINNNGGGGGGG.

Loser of Ep
ZWR: Spoiler alert it’s Tierra she’s the worst ever. Loser of life. BYE! Also, when she brought out and set up that cot, I joked, "wow, now that's a Tierra Cot-ta!" and the Nag was all, "wait what". So maybe she's the loser of the ep because that was funny, yo.

TVMWW: Sean. He had the perfect opportunity on that 3-on-1 date to be like, “Wow, that sun sure is hot. We should probably all put sunscreen on. Just put your feet up on my chest and I’ll rub down the tops. They’re really red. And no, we don’t have to do this one at a time, let’s go all six feet at once. I’m gonna gag myself too, just because. Don’t worry, I brought my own gag. Let me know if you wanna be gagged too. I have seven more gags.”

ZWR: Dude seriously.

Baller of Ep
ZWR: Gotta be Des, right? She didn’t get the rose on the group date, but my girl was exuding confidence. Maybe she should have played for the Sixers last night. Who’s our small forward? I imagine she’d have been better than him.

EDIT: It’s Des’s brother judging from the previews he has a tattoo of a necklace and tries to fist fight Sean next week yes, please!

TVMWW: Sean’s sister Shay gave an AGGRESSIVE performance. A great spark off the bench, she harassed Sean on D, pressured his decision-making, and completely changed the game -- her outfit was a hot mess though.

What I Would Do If Sean Was The Only Linebacker Between Me and a First Down Marker
ZWR: Pretend to have a cramp. Sean’s too sweet. Then when he let up I’d pull a triple juke and jet down the sideline yelling “ZEEE DUBBBB ARRRRRRR taking this jawn to the house!” and then I’d do the Rudy “Sweet Feet” Huxtable dance after I scored and then my coach would be all “you’re so awesome” and I’d be like, “thanks coach!”

TVMWW: I would run full speed at him a la Craig Ironhead Heyward and have him blast me in the throat because I hate myself and need to be punished.

Ranking Chipwiches, Klondike Bars and Any Other Frozen Treat Worth Mentioning
ZWR: Snickers Ice Cream Bar, Coconut Frozen Fruit, WWF Superstars Bar, Nutty Buddy, Choco Taco, Creamsicle, Super Mario with the bubble gum nose, Rocket Pop, Chipwich, Klondork.

TVMWW: You’re going Klondork LAST??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love all of those snacks you mentioned, but Klonz CANNOT be last. I’ll tell ya what’s last: that vanilla fro-yo from Ikea that pretends to be ice cream! I don’t care that it only costs 8 cents! It makes me too thirsty!

The Shawn Bradley Memorial Oh My Gawd Sean WHAT Are You Doinggggg? Mome
ZWR: Lesley’s date was Snoresville, USA already, then she said the most awkwardly formal thing I’ve ever heard on a date: “I am grateful for our progression.” ORLY? I appreciate your assessment of said progress. Would you also prefer to osculate? Yeesh McGeesh.

TVMWW: Keeping Catherine. Don’t get me wrong I like her, and don’t think she’s nearly as damaged as AshLee, but DUDE, a tree fell on her best friend AND she saw her dad try to commit suicide? Major baggage there. I can only imagine what she’s gonna tell us next week. Like, her mother ate her sister or something. I’m honestly nervous.

ZWR: No but if her mom’s a dinosaur that would totally rule? Did dinosaurs eat their children? I imagine they did. Whatever, she's adorable.

Time for us to Pretend We’re Cranekicker
ZWR: WAT DORKBEAK I love Jersey go Monmouth!

TVMWW: Hey guyz what should I order at Wawa too late just got a chicken salad jk got an italian extra hot peppers my mouth is on fire k bye.


The Week in Saran Wrap
ZWR: We made biscuits the other day and there was one left and the piece of Saran Wrap I used for it was roughly the size of Idaho. By the way, my Christmas present wrapping is just as much of a debacle. I am pretty much worthless.

TVMWW: While trying to cover up some leftover sticky buns last night I ended up getting so frustrated that I just finished all the buns and now I’m 98% sure I have diabetes.

Other Things I Feel Like Sharing
ZWR: Evster is right-- AshLee is stark raving mad. It’s starting to show.

TVMWW: Before AshLee told Sean her BIG REVEAL, I took a poll with the people I was watching with to see what they thought her big secret was. Their answers were:

Wife: abortion
Brother in law: gave up a kid for adoptsh
Sister in law: has a boyfriend
Me: hermaphrodite

And there you have it, dorkbeaks. Be sure to check in next week for more of the charming absurdity that is BACHCAP ™ ® ©.


  1. I STILL say Sean looks like Roy Halladay at age 26 (and no awesome beard, of course).



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